I was just wondering how common it is for the WS to be depressed? I've noticed for months, even mentioned it to him last year some time and he got mad. I don't know if he realizes it now or not. He's always negative, tired, barely eating, diarrhea, and having trouble sleeping. He's got a docot appt. Friday and I'm hoping that he asks or the Dr. notices something with him. I called the Dr. office and had them note it in his chart. Anyone else? Any suggestions? Is it just the fog?

Well I would say that WS are sick and depressed deep down to the very recess of their souls...

wouldn't you ?

ARK

Yes, I would, but I've noticed in the past few months it's gotten worse! I think guilt and shame could be playing a HUGE part but he was like this for a while and would never accept it! There has to be something to cause so much pain and suffering to the BS!

>I think guilt and shame could be playing a HUGE part

I know for the Wookie it did....it was like quicksand, the more he struggled with it, the worse it was.

Do you think the doctor will say something to him about it? Do you think he'll come clean if the doctor brings it up?

- Kimmy

I really don't think so, that's not him, but since I'm not going he might! He's to ashamed, doesn't want anyone to know! And I could care less who knows, I'll keep telling everyone, if I have too!

Sounds a lot like the Wookie.

I had to let go and let him take care of it. Trouble is, he had to hit bottom before he was able to pick himself up.

Can YOU go with? Unfortunately, you can't MAKE him fix himself, you know?

- Kimmy

NeedingComfort,

My H has been on antidepressants for a couple years, but during his A, his depression became much worse. He said that he became more and more depressed, anxious, guiltridden, and afraid that I would find out about the A. He began to take more meds than he used to...Anything to try to dull the pain he was feeling.

Now, he is still on ADs and gets very depressed from time to time due to his guilt. I think it kind of goes with the territory, whether or not the WS will admit it or not is the big question.

Good luck!

--Well I would say that WS are sick and depressed deep down to the very recess of their souls...

wouldn't you ?

ARK --
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Absofreakinlutely! I would almost quip that they (WS) are a bit dead inside; so it doesn't surprise me that all of that blackness is manifesting on the surface. I know I (BS) don't sleep as well as I used to or eat as well, or think, care, etc. yada yada yada . I'm working on it, but 'I' made that choice. Now 'HE' has to make the choice to face the blackness and clean up the mess.

No, my 3 year old is graduation from a program he's in @ 5 and H dr. appt. is @4:30. Of course, we can't change the appt.?

The way I figure it he put himself in this position! He's the one that has to deal with himself and deal with me too.

In a sex addiction model the cycle of addiction is driven in a pattern something similar to the following:

emotional feelings => trigger => rituals => acting out => shame/depression => back to start of cycle

And since an affair is somewhat of an addiction some people start out their affairs with some type of emotional problem or depression and the affair just builds on that emotional problem once it is found out.

Yeah, boy did he get pi$$ed when I asked him about being addicted to sec. Then, a few nights later he said to me "I know you probably think that the A was all about sex, but sometimes I would go over there and just watch TV. There was no yelling there", talking abut me and the kids!

In my personal experience, the 'threat' of real life--the mornings getting the kids ready, rushing to work, working hard for peanuts, coming home to the littany of all that is to be a parent, H, W, etc, and on and on--, well, when that is all you have to look forward to, you run to higher ground, which makes you a coward for not turning to the one that can lift you from all of it, if only for a moment (your spouse). I'm not excusing the behavior, simply pointing it out. Sometimes this life that we strive for becomes our worst enemy, because we don't see what we have, only what we don't.

That's a new perpective! He's always saying all he does is go to work, come home, eat, take a shower and go to bed. Then, there's been some changes in the company that's making all of the employees unhappy. Management changes, not once but several times! I have always been supportive, saying that if he wanted to change jobs, that would be fine, and just trying to listen and offer any advice that I can, being that I'm in a management position. He's always talking about wanting to have more fun!

Tempinsanity,

You are right about the A being an escape from reality. My H said he had stress at work, would come home to more stress, and the OW had no kids and was single, so they would go to her place and have sex. Later as the A progressed, she fell in love, started to make demands on him...It started to become too "real"...then there was stress with her...He felt he was trapped, with nowhere to go...vicious cycle that it is.

My H was seeing an IC the whole time the A was going on, but it didn't get him to realize that he should stop the A and work on his M. Even though this was suggested to him a number of times. He thought that people didn't know what they were talking about.

My H ran to another married woman, discussing the horrors of M, would come home and discuss the horrors of work. I forgot, somewhere along the line, to make him laugh, to pull him from the pit, give him some breathing room, and to dream with him. I work pretty hard myself, and he forgot me, too. I'm working on it. My H was in IC also, during and after the A; I don't believe the A was ever addressed--just him and his problems. The OW filled him with dreams of traveling and being free. Real life allows for those things, in time and with patience; but the fake life of that darned A, boy it can give you all you ever wanted--no strings...until that 'reality' checks in! The problem with no strings, I think the parachute may need them to work properly.

Boy, this is all great information! he said that OW made him happy and they laughed together. that's the only thing he's come up with so far. He's been talking about a get away weekend!
I just came back from my 1st IC session. It went well, C suggested first, tell H I went, and asking him to come next week! I don't think H will come but I guess he can sit down with me and the counselor or me and the lawyer. I can't go through this again! we have to make this work! It that crazy?

My WW also seems dead inside. We were supposed to fill out the ENs questionnaire for MB counseling and she can't do it. She says she doesn't want anything right now, she has no needs, but also knows that having nothing will not make her happy. She says she is emotionally shutdown. She refuses to talk to her friends or me or an IC about her emotions because she doesn't even know what they are. I asked her to see a doctor and get some meds or something. She is in a very bad place emotionally.

mr_c, needing,

How long has it been since you discovered his/her A or unhappiness? I know that it has been a long haul for us and I still get stonewalled; don't give up, don't give in. He says that there are no needs for me to fulfill; I think it could be guilt mixed with the unhappiness of 'back to life'. We have started really talking and trying to have fun, leisurely together. We must always remember that we come first, even above our children; yes, I said it, above our children; if we're okay, they're okay. If we love, they will see love. The best thing to do at this point--take care of you, so that they can see how great you truly are! I remember when I would look at him and his eyes were dead--no smile, no frown, no emotion, nothing; now they do see again. When confronted with a new task to discuss or emotion to deal with, he shuts down--dead eyes, but it's better now. Worry about you first

Needing,

A get-away weekend, with whom?