On April 2oth, I send him and email from work about something that happened here to piss me off. I ended the email with something along the lines of I don’t know why I stay here. That afternoon he didn’t get home from work until 6:10. I didn’t think a lot of it, because I knew he had a ton of issues going on. What I did notice was that he was different. No touching didn’t want to be next to me and short. The next day he was late again, but with that he stopped emailing me that he loved me and all that. When he got home he was so different. He didn’t want to be close to me, but he didn’t turn away sex.



That Tuesday he went out of town, he has to do this periodically. Generally he calls me the second he gets to his hotel than again after dinner. He didn’t call me until 10:30 that night. I was a little pissy when he finally called. I want you too know upfront I haven’t handled this very well. That following A.M. I picked up his cell to get his brothers # out of redial, he had wiped out all the numbers. All that was in the phone was were I had called him when he was on his way home. I ask him about it and he said he didn’t know how it happened and why was I checking up on him. That conversation didn’t go far because we got a call from his brother saying his dad was back in the hospital, HE came home the next day, it was strained but we didn’t argue. He was on time from work but short tempered until that Friday on the 28th. He said he was talking at work. No big deal. That Friday I tried to talk to him. We went around and around. He said that I always though he was having an affair. That I didn’t trust him and all the issues with the phone. That he was too old for an affair. On and on. Saturday, he told me you aren’t happy here you always say there is no jobs for you here, I just want you too be happy and you aint happy here. After about 4 hours of this I pulled out a piece of paper and said find lets split everything up and I’ll go. His eyes got small and he said no he didn’t mean for me to leave he just wanted me to be happy. Than he mentioned when I got divorced, he said to you remember what you did? I said he told me to leave and I left. he said no he gave you an ultimatum than you left. He called you to come back many times but you never went back you just stayed gone. I said to him that ultimatum was stupid remember, no TV, no computer, no friends, I was to turn my paycheck over to him. Why would I live like that. He said but he wanted you back and you stayed away. When you leave someone you leave for good. Things were a little better, he still didn’t say he loved me nor would he touch me other than sex. We discussed this and all he could say was I don’t know.



That Monday he was late again. Now when he was late, there was no phone calls and he didn’t answer his phone at work. So we fought some more that night. On the 4th he said that one of the guys was leaving and they were all going out for drinks. I called him later in the afternoon and said do you want to meet for dinner afterwards? HE said sure, than he said something that made no sense. He said I don’t know where we are going. Now the reason that made no sense they have always went to only 2 bars here in town and suddenly he wasn’t sure where? Our adopted son and I ran some errands his car wasn’t at any of the bars. At 7:15 I took our a son to the restaurant. We waited until 7:30 and I told our son to order. He called ask where I was I told him. He said that they had met in another small town for drinks. Now thew small town is 30 minutes from town in the middle of nowhere, why would they even go there? He came, I told him that I had decided to go back to school for paralegal that I had found that I was looking at the job market all wrong that I needed to make something work for me. That I wanted to stay in our town that I liked it here. I thought if he was still having issues this would help him know I wasn’t leaving. HE wanted to know what had happened to me? Where the real me was. We went home and he was all over me for sex. It was so weird. He still wasn’t saying he loved me or anything.



The next day he was late again and I lost it. I started packing bags to leave. HE came home in the middle of it and than was he ready to talk. We talked for 3 hours on and on. Nothing resolved. Finally we laid on the couch and he held me. His whole body was trembling. The next morning he pulled all my suitcases out of the truck. And we talked more and more. It still was that same crap that he knew I would leave, that I was unhappy, he was to old to be involved with someone else, that work was stressful, that he didn’t know.



That following Monday, we had a meeting at school at 3. He met me there it went till 5:30 and he went back to work. We had discussed dinner and decided that we would order dinner in. Once I got home I realized that I needed some things from the store. I ran to the store. his daughter and granddaughter were there and I stopped to talk to them. Our granddaughter was in trouble because she had marked on a doll. So I was doing the normal grandma stuff. My cell rings, it is him where are you? I tell him and he keeps saying I thought we were ordering out. I kept explaining. He kept on. I went home and ask him if he wanted pizza, he said you went to the store. I than when back over it again. We ordered pizza and things, were pretty smooth. We discussed the meeting we had for our son. He still didn’t touch me or say anything to me about loving me. HE was still weird.



Things went pretty smooth until Thursday. I had been working on showing him that I loved him, giving him extra attention. I emailed him at work and ask him if he would like brownies. HE was all for it. I left work a few minutes late, so I called him at the office left him a voice message, that I was going to the store. I ran in got the brownie stuff and decided to run to Target. Now the store I was at the closest way to Target was to go by the cut off to his work. I drove by there about 10 till 5 and he pulls out going the wrong way totally to go home. He saw me and turned down by the grocery. I went on to Target and he called me from home where are you going. I told him and said where were you going. He said I was going to meet you at the store. Cali, he avoids the store like the plague. Why would he go to the store when I would be home in a few minutes? When I get home he is so nervous. I cooked I though about it and than I told him I was tired of the games. I than proceeded to get drunk. When he came to bed I got up and told our dog come on there isn’t room for me in this bed with him and her. He lost it.



The next a.m. I left for work at 6 that is 2 hours early. He wasn’t up yet. He never called or anything. That day he told me he couldn’t live with a drunk and maybe we should call it quits. Now that is the first time he has ever seen me drunk. I agreed. I ask him how he wanted to split everything. HE wouldn’t answer me. That night he didn’t get home until almost 7. We didn’t talk just stayed neutral. The same thing on Saturday. HE went for a hair cut at the mall and worked on his presentation for his dad.



Sunday Mothers Day, at first he was moody like he had been for days. We had brunch at the house and he was much more open and nicer. He was almost like his normal self. Well, after everyone left he was still pretty good. He kept having problems with his presentation and suddenly he says I need to leave for a bit. Now he has never ever done that. I said OK. HE left and about 10 minutes later I went to the mall I went in the front. I walked down to a store, and for some weird reason I looked down the passageway at the backway into the mall and there he was on the pay phone. I went in a store.I decided to have our son sit on the bench and I walked down to the payphone and stood behind him. When he turned around and saw me he hung up and we walked outside. He said “that he had found someone he enjoyed talking too. That nothing had happened. That he didn’t know how he felt about her. That he didn’t know if he loved her or not. That it had started a couple of weeks ago. That she was married and unhappy. That he would never give me her name, because he knew what I would do to her. That he though he needed time, that he wanted to stay at the house that he wanted me to go to his dad's with him to his dad’s birthday. He said she wanted to leave her husband but she didn’t know how. That she wasn’t needy. That he didn’t know where her husband was. He said he was sorry.



I stayed calm I told him that he had issues. How could he do this to her husband? HE was married once and this happened to him. Remember how it felt. I told him that both of them should grow a set of balls and move in together for a month and see how they felt. I told him that if neither one of them had the decency to let her husband know I would do it for them. He told me that he was afraid he would loose Jamie completely. That he loved me but didn’t know if he was in love with me anymore. That it was too soon to know what he felt for this gal. I told him that he had forfeited all rights to the house that if anyone left it would be him not me. He agreed. He said I smothered him. I said I am smothering you because you are having an affair. He ask me were I was going I said to spend a ton of money and that he had no rights to ask me anything but that I had ever right to ask him. He said that I ain’t fair. I said tuff neither was your affair. I told him that we had to get through his dad’s birthday and that we would talk after that. He had to make a choice on Tuesday.



I went in the mall he left I didn’t spend a lot of money cause the mall was closing. I made an appointment for Monday to get my hair colored.

I went home and we had another minor spat. My cell rang and it was a friend, I told her I would call her back. About 45 minutes later my cell rang and it was another friend. I told her I would call her back. So I slipped on my jacket grabbed my cell and went out and called my friend back. He watched me the whole time. When I was ton he was furious. He ask why I walked out to talk and I said I needed privacy. IT was nasty at that point. He started back on his project and I d/l yahoo. I thought that I would set everything up to play Euchre with some friends. He lost it again. He accused me of having it on my work computer and talking to other people. In which I told him lets get one thing straight only one of us is having an affair and it aint me. Than I ordered pizza we had another argument over me not eating he said you haven’t eaten in days. Which is true, I have lost 15 pounds from this. I told him it was none of his concern if I ate or not. From there I went got dressed thinking I would just go out for a bit. HE went crazy. Saying he would go out. I said that is fine do what you must. He said, I’ll go out and you can have your privacy and not have to run away to get away from me. I said” If I want to go out it won’t matter if you are here or not I’ll just go. It aint about you anymore. I than went to the basement and listened to the stereo. I started to have my first real cry. I cried and cried. He came down and said would it be easier if I left. I told him do to what he had to do. I told him that you don’t stop loving someone at one act that it takes time and that I needed to grieve. He turned the stereo off took my hand and we set on the couch he reached for me I told him not to touch me. He said how can touching be a bad thing for us. I told him that if he loved her he wouldn’t even consider touching me. He held me when it was bedtime he ask what I wanted to do. I told him to take the bed and I would sleep downstairs. He said no you take the bed. I said I can’t sleep in that bed. He ask why. I said there are too many memories of what we have shared in that bed. He said does this mean we need to buy a new bed? I said I’ll decide what I am going to do with the bed next week. He grabbed my hand pulled me up the steps and I got in bed with my PJS on. He looked at me and I got in the drawer and handed him a set. He got in bed and grabbed me and it was like almost desperation. I hate to say it but it was the most emotional experience we had shared in a while. He held me all night.



The next A.M. he kissed me bye ask if he would see me later. I said yes. He never emailed me but he was there at lunch. I had dressed up yesterday. I don’t know why other than I have this need right now too look my very best, to feel pretty about me. He mentioned my dress and that he had something to tell me later.



He came home on time I cooked and we mowed the yard. He talked and talked like we use to always do. I mainly listened. I went to get my hair done. HE worked on his dad’s project and kept having major issues. We both worked on it trying to figure it out. He told me he appreciated it. He didn’t want me even in another room without him there. He was very clingy. We went to bed and he reached for me and it happened again. Once again he held me all night.



At lunch today we talked very little. I am running to the next city over to pick up a program for him to finish the project. He said that maybe we could work things out. I told him that he had me confused. I told him that we would talk after we got back from his dad's that we needed to get through that first. I could tell he is dreading any type of talk he would rather just let this go the way it is, I think he is thinking that he can continue just the way he is without us discussing it. Than again, I don’t see a man that is truly in love with another woman, I see one who is scared and confused.

I just aint sure what too do. I read here and it sounded like most of the spouses stop the second they are caught if they truly love their spouse. Not him. Any advice guys?

((((SadInMN))))) big hugs - welcome here. There will be people with sage advice along shortly - to help you through this time. In the meantime, there are a lot of good articles and outlines in the references and good books to read. What I have seen suggested again and again is "surviving an affair" - I haven't read this yet as I'm reading "His Needs Her Needs" - and investigating my hub's suspicious activity - an affair has not been brought to light yet.

Hang in there - I was glad to read your story as I feel weird about the same things with my own. Take care!

Thanks for the response Half FUll.

I am pretty much trying to make it minute by minute. I keep wondering what else is going to hit me. I keep trying to not worry if he is late tonight. I keep trying to keep desperation at bay. Thanks again for your response.

Sad, you are incorrect. Most spouses of people here on MB do NOT stop their adultery the moment the infidelity is discovered. That's why they're here. If the adultery ended when they were found out, there'd be little reason to come to MarriageBuilders.com.

Sad, you have a decision to make. I assume you are here because you want to save your marriage, but I like to hear you say it. If you've got the patience and are willing to put in several months to break up the adultery...if you'll sacrifice a little and work a lot, then let us know.

If you want to see what's in store for you, please read my thread "For Newly Betrayed Spouses."

We're here for you Sad. If you want to salvage your marriage, tell us and we'll help you any way we can, okay?

I am sorry it took me so long to respond. We when out of town for his dad's party. The party went great, and the spouse was absolutely wonderful too me. He never left my side the whole trip. He was exteremly loving.

We came home and he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. BUT he lied to me again, he doesn't know that I know. He said the trip was with a new supervisor and a older gal, well I went snooping (I really hate that part) and the older gal didn't go. I ask him about it on the phone he said she had decided to drive herself. I haven't told him that I know this is a lie, my instinct says wait. If everything I know is accurate than I am 98% sure of who it is. He sucks at lying. I want to be positive before I do anything with the info though.

You ask if I wanted to save the marriage. That is a good question, for so many years he has been my best friend, my lover, the first person I think of in the morning, the first person I want to talk too, now this, I don't want to compete with her. I don't want this to become a game about winning at any costs and him being the prize. I want him to decide and than work on his issues. There is a big part of me that is almost resigned to letting their relationship play out and than making a decission on what I want too do. I can't see how it will help to force him too do something. I don't know if I am making sense, but for me I loved him with every fiber of my being and if that wasn't enough what else can I possiblly do?

Sad, get a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. You will find adultery is never about the betrayed spouse, what you've done for him, or not done. If he truly does want to be with you, he may well be continuing to lie because he thinks you can’t handle what he’s covering up. I think if you continue to let him lie, it’s a self-defeating process. Dr. Harley recommends a truly repentant wayward spouse adopt a policy of radical honesty…never lie and never evade questions.

A person in an adultery is in the grip of an addiction as strong as heroin. That may have been broken, but you can’t know that right now. Snooping is more correctly identified as a military-style intelligence gathering operation. You need to keep it up to make sure the adulterous relationship is no longer ongoing.

If you decide whether to put tons of effort into salvaging the marriage, Sad, MB can help you through the hard times. It is entirely your decision and I would not dream of suggesting you only have one option. Make your determination of what you feel is the best thing to do and let us know, okay?

Sad,

Welcome to MB, and to Plan A. Whether you recognize it or not, that's what you're doing. Read up on it, learn to be the best you can be, refrain from LB's, and yes, SNOOP!

If you don't snoop, he will continue to deny when you confront him. He will deny even with proof, but if you have proof he will be backed into a corner. He may or may not have entered into a PA with OW, it doesn't really matter, it's still cheating.

Keep in mind that you cannot change him or his actions. If you decide to fight for your M, plan A is about working on negotiating the end of the A.

READ everything you can, especially the books and articles recommended here. Take care of yourself - neglecting yourself will not change the outcome.

It is incredibly hard to get through this, especially in the beggining. I am 3+ years past d-day, and still...

hangin in there

Sorry, but I have to disagree with this. The affair being over (NC) is a good thing, but by no means is that all there is to recovering. Many of the folks here have only learned years later of infidelity that occurred and ended as much as a decade ago. MB is about many things: ending affairs, recovering from affairs, and building an affair proof marriage.

Who