I posted on my thread, but since I can't change the subject line for my old thread, I figured I will start the new one.

My qustion is this:
Is there such thing as "momentum" in recovery? I lately feel that I might have "missed" the momentum and now WH may not have the same level of enthusiasm for reconciliation...

Theoretically, there should not be such thing, if you want reconciliation, you should maintain the same attitude, but in reality, I can see how he may feel like "burned out" and does not wish to make any more efforts.

Because in reality, it's very rare that WSs come home remorsefully. So, in their foggy mind, they really didn’t do such a bad thing and they are doing BSs a favor to be willing to work on their M. So in their mind, it’s a lot of work and not fun at all. If BSs make it too hard for them, then they may just figure “alright then”, and may not want to make a commitment.

Now, having said that, it was pretty clear WHY in my case WH changed his attitude (due to his money issue), and that was not acceptable. It was not like he wanted to go to MC and I refused. He asked me to pay for his debt and I declined, to which he got very upset. If that made him NOT want to reconcile, then it was not a real desire to reconcile. I know this, but I guess I still feel like I “missed” some opportunity. I might feel this way particularly more now, because of my job situation.

Theoretically, there should not be such thing, if you want reconciliation, you should maintain the same attitude, but in reality, I can see how he may feel like "burned out" and does not wish to make any more efforts.


wrong...don't you think...

even in steady marriages...the is an ebb and flow..

periods of dead on going great...and periods of coasting...

maybe coast a little...not focusing on recovery and fixing things...but plan some special kick back and relax time...

sit on the porch together...
make a CD for him of fun summer songs to get in the swing...
bring him something or bake something sweet...

be very very wary of your own impatience...that it doesn't build up inside...then explode...it can set you back more than periods of a light lull...

light a candle
humm a tune...
slow dance in the kitchen...
and remember to just enjoy eachother again as well as working working working on issues...

on one hand it sounds like a bunch of shclock..
on the other hand..it sounds kind of sweet..

ARK

You could use the word momentum.

You could describe it as being in synch with your WH.

But no, what you are experiencing is not abnormal.

And ARK is giving some good advice. Personally, I try to cling very hard to memories and triggers of when times are good. Because I know bad times are coming. (Usually in the form of me forgetting that life has its downs and just griping away, feeding the big ball of negative energy).

And I cling to the good memories, or think of something humorous to remind me it is just a phase.

And it usually is.

Example: when I am having the typical rough day at work, I tell myself "If it were fun, I'd be paying THEM to do it." It doesn't make the circumstances easier, but changes my mood. THEN the circumstances get better.

When you have the mindset to choose your mood, choose the good one. Not easy. But gets easier with practice.

Thanks ark and ncwalker. Sadly, it's not so much of how I feel about WH - it's about WH. Of course I cannot change WH or force him to feel certain ways about me or us, but often I feel that we lost the momentum. That he is no longer interested in coming home.

I was happy when I saw the happy Mother's day card in the mailbox last Sunday. I was also happy when he mentioned that he appreciated my work for DS3. But this does not mean that he now got back his feelings for me. He always said I am a good mother. This is not new. So he acknowledged that, but he did not put down a little "ps" saying he cares for me too. No. So I should not be so excited about it.

Again, I know why I am being clingy again. Because of my job situation. This really stinks. Welcome to the world of uncertainty....

Sigh...

WH does not call me anymore, and this week, he hasn't even called for DS3 at night.

Although this morning when I called him (b/c I haven't received his check yet), he said he was going to drop it off on Saturday when he comes to pick DS3 up, and then asked "why, are you tight?" and when I said "yes", he said "okay, I may be able to drop it off tonight". So it is not like he is not talking to me, but he hasn't initiated calls for some time now.

Milk-
Posted on your thread, but thought I'd check in here too,
to let you know we're both still in the "same boat" as
far as job uncertainty and very ambivalent WH's.

I'm not hearing from my WH anymore either, and feel like he's just off living in his fantasy-affair land life with
no end in sight.
Doesn't seem happy, but seems to be content to just continue
on as he is, with OW, and of course, that keeps us from
going anywhere either.
Slammed

Thanks Slammed -

WH came by yesterday, but he was late. He was supposed to come to see DS3's last swiming class but did not show up. He left me a message saying that he overslept. But the swiming lesson did not start till 11:30am! How long did he sleep? Was he out the night before?

He came by and cut the grass. After that, he came in the house because DS3 was eating his lunch inside. He asked me if I am dating anyone. I don't know why he asked this, out of blue. He then said "no, that's okay, you don't have to answer". What is this?? My guess is he might have met someone...??? And that might be the reason he was staying up late last night and could not make it to DS3's swimming class? And he wants to know if I am seeing anyone, because that would make him feel less guilty?

I don't know.

I guess DS3 must have said something to WH on Sat., that's the only thing I can think of. There was a car parked outside of my house on Sat., and it looked a lot like that of my friend. He is the guy who gave me flowers on Valentine's Day, but there is nothing going on between us. DS3 must have said "it's XXX's car" to WH - otherwise he wouldn't have asked the question on Sat.

Anyway, on Monday he called me at work to let me know how DS3 was over the weekend and how the drop-off went on Monday morning. Then he asked "so, DS3's swiming class is over now?", and when I said yes, he said "good, then if we schedule a MC on Saturdays, we don't have to worry about DS3's swiming lessons".

Wow. I was pleasantly surprised. It's been quite some time since the last time he mentioned MC.

Today he called again to ask about DS3, and then also asked about our upcoming trip to NY (we are going to visit my friends over the Memorial Day weekend). He asked when we were leaving and when we were coming back. Then he said "enjoy the trip".

Then later on he called again to ask this:
"why did you ask for a permission to go to NY? Is it because the court said something?"
Well, I wanted to say "just in case you do not remember - because last time you said it was okay for us to go to Japan, but then just a few weeks before our departure you filed for D and put the restraining order!", but figured it was not a good idea, so I just said I needed to let him know of our plan.

Does he remember anything he has done to me???

I just don't get it. On Sat WH was in a good mood, joking around, and on Mon when he called me he brought up the MC himself. My guess is partially because he got a little nervous about me potentially seeing another guy.

Then on Tue he asked a strange thing (as mentioned above) whether the court has told me anything about my taking DS3 outside of our state. ???

Then yesterday, he called me during the day (I was working from home) and asked if DS3 was there so I said I had dropped him off at his daycare, since I can't really work with DS3 running around in the house. Apparently he called back in the evening, but we were out and I did not know about the call. WH called back later and soon as I answered, he just said "DS3....” which usually upsets me b/c I just think that's so rude. Obviously it's ME who answers the phone, and why does he IGNORE me by saying "hi DS3, this is Papa..."??? It's extremely irritating. But I did not show it and just passed the phone over to DS3. DS3 did not really want to speak with WH, which I am sure did not help WH's grouchiness. So we did not really talk. Well this morning I realized WH had called yesterday before I answered it in the evening. The message was:
"Hey, it's me - you know if you get this message, let DS3 call me back because I want to at least say good night to him"

It was clear that WH was angry. But why? Is the moodiness part of depression? I just don't know why he is so moody and grouchy.

Milk

Oh merciful heavens yes. The depression will cause mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I suggest ADs if it gets too bad. Won't really "cheer" you up, but it'll level out the roller coaster a lot.

Hi milk,
you posted this on eav thread and I had a thought about it.


"They" say we unconsciously look for spouses that can help us resolve childhood issues. So if WH had issues with stepmom that would make sense...but he may transfer some of those old issues to you (totally not fair). His biological Mom is a fantasy the perfect woman never had to disapline him, yell at him, disappoint him...just like in the beginning OW is a fantasy. He almost sounds like Cinderfella.

My WH and my Dad are very similar. My Dad was a WS early in my parents M, especially after he went to Vietnam. I NEVER KNEW it. They stuck it out and actually did a lot of MB practices...they'll be married 50 years this Sept.

Thanks Drexxell and Cha Cha. WH has been on ADs since the fall of 2004, although in my mind, ever since his personality changed. He became so cold and emotionless. But who knows, maybe that's the real WH and I just never knew or he was selfmeditating with pot for a long time so was able to fake Mr. Nice during that period.. Some said WH sounds like bipolar and should be on the right medication, but he does not listen to anyone, so I have no idea if he is still taking the same AD (= Prozac) and how much. I know his doctor in the past increased the dosage.

I chose WH, I think partly because I subconciously felt he was similar to my dad as well. I always felt that my mom was in charge and my dad just let her control things, even though he was the breadwinner. My mom definitely has much stronger personality than my dad, and I think I was naturally attracted to WH who was always letting me be in charge.

Although now I know the big difference: my dad was letting my mom control the house matters and anything related to kids, simply because he completely trusted her and she is a very good housewife and mother. He obviously felt that she would run things around the house and raise kids better than he would (although my dad was involved in the family matter - it's just that my mom would typically suggest a lot of things related to kids and most of the time my dad just agreed).

My WH appeared to be letting me control things, but it was not because he trusted me or felt that I would do a better job. He had a lot of secrets and wanted to hide his secret life behind my back. It was more convenient for him to allow me to stay busy planning things around the house and our future, because he could have kept his nice fantasy world unknown. So in the end, I did not choose a guy similar to my dad.

I know his biological mom would not have been "perfect". In fact, I heard enough stories about her from WH's uncle and grandma how troubled child she once was. She was not bad, but apparently she was quite wild. My guess is she had ADD/ADHD, and that's why all of her 4 kids have ADD/ADHD, whereas WH's two half sisters (his stepmom's daughters) do not have it. I suspect our son has it too.

Anyway, WH's mom was not a perfect lady and WH should know this. He heard the same stories I did. We have some pictures of her. She was not the most beautiful woman either - in fact, I think WH's stepmom is more beautiful, but in WH's mind, she was the most wonderful, beautiful, and perfect woman. I can never be "better" than her, because I am alive - I am real, and she is not. And I know that WH will never find anyone who is perfect either, but if he cannot "control" his desire to keep searching his dream woman, how can he ever be completely happy with me? He will always feel something is missing in me. That's just not fair.

And I was hoping that this past year of separation might have taught him the reality - because apparently WH signed up for LovaLife and E-Harmony trying to "find" his dream woman when we were separated. Obviously he did not find the perfect lady. I was hoping that he now realized he was living in the la-la land and needs to wake up and come home. But the way he has been acting lately - I must say, he still has a loooooooooooooong way to go.

Milk

A lot of the symptoms for depression and bi-polar disorder are very similar. I think that's something worth looking in to. The right meds are difficult to come by. There are currently 6 ADs, I believe. Finding the right one with the right doesage can take a while.

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />