My FWW ended her A before I found out. It was about 3 months after the end of the A before D Day.

I was thinking about the way she acted at this time which was great. Very attentive in every way. She seemed like a different person. God it was great.

Then D Day came around and she changed into the normal FWS. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if when I found out if I would never have confronted her.

It was over, she was never going to see him again.

I know the guilt would have eventually gotten to her but it seems like once D Day came around she felt relieved she didn't have to live in the charade anymore.

HMMM. Anyone else have this feeling. I wish I had the person back I had post A pre D Day. I really liked her.

I'm sure many have that feeling. When I found out, my H's A was still in progress, and since I waited 3 months to tell him, I got to witness the change in behavior, too. Just remember, though, that without using MB principles, your W may have again started contact with the OM, since this whole NC issue seems to be a MB secret. At least you are saving a lot of misery down the road, if the A had re-ignited.

And don't forget, good actions out of guilt are seldom sustainable long term. If she kept up the charade at a building of internal resentment toward you, what might have happened when that reached its limit?

I know for a fact the OM was permanantly out of the picture. There was no way for her to continue the A. I was very lucky in that sense. NC had been established by distance and boredom on her part. Once she got away from him she realized how much of a loser he was. Day late and a dollar short.

The resentment part sounds right though. I never thought about that.

But darn sometimes I wish I would have waited. I really, really liked that person. I thought it was because she really missed me and had recommited to our marriage. LOL.

She did.

She stayed with you.

You can look at life two ways.

You can wallow in the bad days missing the good.

You can wade through the bad days remembering the good.

Because the good and bad are both temporary. According to the Tao of NCWalker.

Nice.

I wish it was that simple.

She had no choice but to come back, or stay in her mind. She has admitted to feeling trapped here, but that is a long story. Huge part of our problems.

I am choosing to wade through the bad days remembering the good.

Thank you Tao NC

KWYM.

And by the way, my M did NOT make it. We eventually passed a point where I could not take her back.

So I am in the OPPOSITE boat. If mine were back, a huge part of me would be wondering exactly what you are wondering. And feeling perhaps I that I was a "fall-back plan."

So while I am on the other side of the fence, let me tell you it is not a bed of roses when the demons come. They are just different demons.

Mine have me wondering if I will ever have intimacy like I did BEFORE my W started her A. Can I ever trust again? Fear of commitment... Fear of getting hurt... And sometimes I even wonder of what would have happened had I given her one more chance?

The saddest thing about it, the two of us, is that the demons have been let into our lives and we didn't choose to let them in. And no matter what choice we make now, they will be there. So our choice is basically which ones do we want to deal with.

There's days I think "I'd rather she just have killed me. Would have been easier."

I draw a lot of strenght from the fact that time heals all wounds.

So what do I do? Choose to be happy instead. Howl at the moon. Try talking like a pirate. Works for me. I'll die fighting before I let the "mire" of her actions pull me down.

Arrggg. Ye can't be sayin' "lubber" without raisin' a smile on the flag o' yer ugly mug. The Tao of Cap'n Walker.

Ok I like the way you think. I chose to be happy as well but on the other hand sometimes it is very hard. I like to sing staying alive and waliking like John Travolta. LOL

We will always wonder what would have been. Unfortunately my mind wonders to what would have been if I stopped giving her chances. HMMM.

I feel the same way about her killing me sometimes too.

But it is what it is.

I was just kinda wondering I guess if it is normal for them to go from hot and digging the relationship post A to cold and doubting the relationship after D Day.

Argghh. Ye be Stayin' Alive in yer fine white polyester and I'll swagger aroun' and not be keepin' up with yer fancy footwork on account o' me peg toe. But we'll be havin' fun an that's all that matters.

I would surmise it is "normal" but I would call it easy. We are all guilty of following our feelings. Mark Twain said "We all do no end of feeling, and we mistake it for thinking."

Nobody wants to hurt someone else. It's just that sometimes doing right takes effort. And we get tired is all. Not an excuse. I'm just saying that yes, you are squarely, solidly, and completely lumped in with the "rest of us."

Funny isn't it. How we can "be" wrong, but we have to "do" right.

I think doubt comes with the territory of experience. First time a kid goes in for his shots, he doesn't expect anything. And WHAMMO. Doctors = PAIN!!

Then, EVERY time thereafter, it is panic mode when they go, because they expect another shot. Wether they need it or not.

And after a while, they experience other painful things, get used to shots, and it is no longer such a big deal.

Nature of time. Nature of feelings.

The Tao of Cap'n Walker:

Laddybucks, ye don't go jumpin' ship at the first sign o' the squall. And times are, yer bettern off weatherin' the squalls with the ship. A good sailor knows the storms he should sail around, and the storms he can sail through. That's why I can say as your Cap'n I'll always go down wit me ship. Cuz, truth be told, I sets me course carefully and I'm not cypherin' on the old girl goin' down soon.

what are the two of you doing to work thru these feelings?

and by the two of you, i mean you, yearsofhurt, and your wife? have you had any sort of heart to heart with her? have you asked her what she is feeling. if not and if you are making conclusions based on your own ideas then you are guilty of a disrespectful judgement.

incidentally, i am a FWW, my story is long but it included a short A early in our marriage which was never discovered by him or confessed by me. 12 years later, we had a major mess on our hands wih me having multiple As.

trust me, it is definitely better that you know

but just knowing isn't enough.

knowing allows you guys to become a team and work together.

the work has to happen. which is why i am asking what i am asking.

Hi NCW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FLs

In some way shape or form we have had a discussion about these issues.

Every time we do she tells me I am being ridiculous.

A little about my FWW she seems to be the type of person that gets an idea in her head to do something. She does it and then it is out of her system per se.

The ball started rolling on this A when she had plastic surgery. Lypo and breast augmentation. She became a different person. Flirting etc. No matter how much admiration and compliments I gave her it didn't matter. As a matter of fact when I did and do compliment her I get a five minute disortation about how it is not true. But if another guy shows her attention she eats it up. This guy showed her attention and she liked it.

Now during the heart to heart I still get excuses. I was drunk, I didn't care about myself etc. I think I know the real issues that exist but she will not have a heart to heart about them.

I may be guilty as you suggest but I can only know what she will tell me.

There is one detail that should be included ant that is my wife just finally last week admitted to all of her actions during the A. Big details that should not have been left out. So the last almost three years I have been working on radical honesty not really having a chance to move to recovery because of the dishonesty.

That is part of my feeling like I wish I would have never known.

YOH....during my FWW's affair she became cold and calculating, distant and depressed. She blamed me, not herself. It became so bad that we eventually divorced...all her doings. How I found out was the old "now that you're divorced you should know...."...from her "best friend" who had her own motives...my story is long...and in my sig line...read it...that is what happens when you and her do not address how you feel.

D-day was 6 years after her PA/ EA ended but it was mandatory for reconciliation. She went through every single step of being a WW even though it happened years before...it was scary to see that no matter where you are in this process it has all been said and documented on THIS SITE!!

As far as the honesty about it goes....regardless of what my now wife and I have gone through I have given her every opportunity to come clean with me about everything. There is no Marriage Building if I find out anything else at this point. We would be through and it will be her fault...my feelings are that as a WW she was a despicable human, a coward who gained nothing but hurt from her actions. She is genuinely remorseful and as I begin to fret about about taking my children to a sports tournament directly across the street from the airport where she was her most despicable next month she will be sick over it, physically and emotionally....as I withdraw into my own pain...a pain she knows she is the cause of...Memorial Day weekend and that airport, 100 miles from my home, are just really bad for me....

So....in a most verbose way I disagree with you....I do not ever want her post A pre D day...that my friend was a living absolute horror...

Then I will count myself as one of the really lucky ones. My wifes A happened over a one month period she was spending 3,000 miles away.

What she did does not make me lucky but I guess the situation for me is lucky. Her A lasted for 4 weeks of physical and 2 weeks of phone contact. The OM lived 3,000 miles away and it was nearly impossible for them to carry on. She went there on a summer vacation with my kids so they could spend time with her family and my family. I think the fog lifted for her before D Day.

Her A was over for 2 months or so before I found out. I don't know if it would have ended if it was different circumstances. Most people tell me she came back to me that proves she loves me. All it really proves is if she tried to stay she would never see our kids again.

Plus the guy was a loser living in a basement studio apartment.

So I guess I should have rephrased and asked why would she treat me so well before I knew and then after I found out the energy was gone. If she would have been that person for the last 2 years we would be so much better off right now.

Yearsofhurt,

I think that the answer to your question is simply that you knew about it after DDay and she could see your pain. The guilt set in. My H had a PA for 9 mos which ended one month before DDay. I had suspicions which he emphatically denied. I had no real proof. Then in Sept 05 when the A ended, he became more of the H I knew...he was home more, not as critical of me as before, etc. None of the warning signs were there like they had been. I felt like well, we just had a new baby in Aug, maybe it was just an adjustment phase...Then BAM in October, DDay and my world fell apart.

He said the same things that the WS all say--I didn't mean to hurt you, I love you, I didn't think you would find out, I was never leaving you and the kids....

I think that after DDay he could see that the fantasy world he lived in, his escape from reality, midlife crisis, DID hurt me greatly, and he actually had to see how much pain he had caused. Guilt is a terrible burden to bear and to watch someone you love in such pain has a way of eating at you. I don't understand why the WS withdraw, but it seems they all want the BS to "get over it"...

Good luck to you and your W...

I agree with you 100% the guilt gets the better of them but while my FWW felt guilty she treated me much better. I read somewhere here that once the guilt becomes to much they confess. Boom they feel better for getting that off their shoulders but guess where it landed.

I think I am a unique case my FWW didn't feel guilty enough to be honest. Once she got it off her chest she wanted to never talk about it again. I just went through another D Day last week and I am now even more confused then ever.