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Well I guess it is my second draft, my first one an hour or two ago was pretty angry. I realized there is no plan for reconciliation clearly outlined. Honestly, WH would laugh at my arrogance if I implied that he might want me back someday. Don't know what to do about that. Any input appreciated. WH,
This is the one letter that actually should please you. There is good news and bad news, first the bad news.
I have loved you since you climbed in the makeshift tent with A.D and S.D at (that apt). You fascinate me, this whole experience has oddly made me love you more. Your passionate extremes are such a roller coaster to be a part of. Your unwavering stance on your belief system is something that I have always admired, even when I didn’t agree with your beliefs. I have held out hope that your passion and unwavering commitment would somehow spill over into our marriage.
Now for the good news.
In order for me to maintain any sort of positive feeling for you, I can not deal with you on your current terms. So I have to stop dealing with you at all. You can handle all the divorce stuff through the attorneys. If you have no objection, please plan on getting the girls 5pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays and return at 5pm on Sunday. If there is a set time, we will not have to communicate again. M will be available to be the drop off point starting next weekend. (She will not be available 5-21). There should be no need for us to speak or communicate at all, M can pass an emergency message if needed.
I am sorry for being unable to see how unhappy you must have been before the affair. I am sorry for being unable to give you a way out with your dignity intact. There still is a part of me that would love to build a fulfilling life with you, but that part is fading fast. I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to coparent with you only when it is convenient for you. I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you, I can imagine that you have lost all respect for me also.
Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.
With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Leave out the co-parenting is a nuisance for him, and the part where you say he doesn't respect you - DJ's.
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Wow, only two DJ's, maybe I am getting better. I figured the whole thing had a DJ tone.
OK, delete the part about him having no respect for me, but can I leave the me losing respect for me in?
And delete the line about coparenting when its convenient but leave in the I won't help with the divorce part?
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to get situations resolved only when it is convenient for you . I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you. That is still a DJ isn't it? The issue is, he has stated I only need to contact him when it is pertinant to him.For example, I called to tell him his favorite band's tour ticket are on sale soon - that is great, I can call him then. If I call to ask for paperwork or keys or info on finances - that is not good.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Did I get rid of the DJ, or is it still there. I added the plan for reconciliation, without sounding whiney (I hope) WH,
This is the one letter that actually should please you. There is good news and bad news, first the bad news.
I have loved you since you climbed in the makeshift tent with Amy and Susan at King’s Crest. You fascinate me, this whole experience has oddly made me love you more. Your passionate extremes are such a roller coaster to be a part of. Your unwavering stance on your belief system is something that I have always admired, even when I didn’t agree with your beliefs. I have held out hope that your passion and unwavering commitment would somehow spill over into our marriage.
Now for the good news.
In order for me to maintain any sort of positive feeling for you, I can not deal with you on your current terms. So I have to stop dealing with you at all. You can handle all the divorce stuff through the attorneys. If you have no objection, please plan on getting the girls 5pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays and return at 5pm on Sunday. If there is a set time, we will not have to communicate again. Mary will be available to be the drop off point starting next weekend. (She will not be available 5-21). There should be no need for us to speak or communicate at all, Mary can pass an emergency message if needed.
I am sorry for being unable to see how unhappy you must have been before the affair. I am sorry for being unable to give you a way out with your dignity intact. There still is a part of me that would love to build a fulfilling life with you, but that part is fading fast. I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to get situations resolved only when it is convenient for you. I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you.
But I can say, with self respect and dignity intact, that I would be honored to walk through the path of marital recovery with you. I remember how we high fived after our walk down the aisle at our wedding rehearsal. I would love to be able to high five after coming through this tunnel together. Of course, there can only be two in a marriage, and if we can nail down that forsaking all others part, we can beat anything together.
Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.
With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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"I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to get situations resolved only when it is convenient for you."
No Jean, it's still there.
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So just delete the whole sentence?? No problem. Thanks so much for the feedback.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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So I have to stop dealing with you at all. Orchid: Remove the 'at all.' Orchid: Change to I apologize. I am sorry for being unable to give you a way out with your dignity intact. Orchid: Remove this sentence. You should never give a spouse a way out with dignity. That w/b tantamount to enablng the A. There still is a part of me that would love to build a fulfilling life with you, but that part is fading fast. I just cannot help you with the divorce or try to get situations resolved only when it is convenient for you. Orchid: change 'a fulfilling life with you' to a fulfiling life with my H and the father of our children. Add 'therefore' to I just can' tno help you..... I am sorry for the nuisance this communication black out will cause, but I am getting off your roller coaster. I am losing my own self respect in how I deal with you. Orchid: remove this part. But I can say, with self respect and dignity intact, that I would be honored to walk through the path of marital recovery with you. Orchid: Replace I w/b honored to I would consider a walk..... I remember how we high fived after our walk down the aisle at our wedding rehearsal. I would love to be able to high five after coming through this tunnel together. Of course, there can only be two in a marriage, and if we can nail down that forsaking all others part, we can beat anything together. Orchid: Good. Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. Orchid: Change to I will remember what you had taught me about respect and dignity. They were important to you at one time. They are still important to me now. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.
With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW JMHO, L.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to do that Orchid.
Correct me if my thinking on this is wrong. There are parts that aren't very typical and you suggest that I remove them. But one of our big blocks right now, is WH's accusations that I am on a moral high horse since I am a F WW. So my primary objectives are:
1. Inform him that communication between us will cease - which will tickle him to death until he needs something from me.
2. Avoid all LBs
3. Not have a tone of self righteousness.
There is a ton more I could put in the letter, but I am trying to keep it as brief as possible.
Thanks again, I will work on your suggestions.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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jean i only read the beginning so far i would leave this out... This is the one letter that actually should please you. There is good news and bad news, first the bad news. it sound sarcastic to me....and it's the first thing that he will read so it might put him on the defense right away just my opinion
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Thanks for reading eav. I do understand that it is sarcastic sounding, but I need to get his attention from the get go so he will actually read it. I need him to know there is a pay off if he spends 2 minutes reading this note.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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everyone advised me to make it "a last love letter he will come back to read over and over when things get bad with OW"
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Some plan B questions?
I have no expectations that anything will change anytime soon, I am thinking it may never change. I am wondering if I will speak to WH at the kids weddings (they are 6 and 8 now). Their Birthdays are coming up this summer, nothing will be different by then. I will plan on just handling their birthdays myself without any WH input. Do I have the kids let him know when the party is? I don't think he would come, there would be too many people there that he has completely alienated.
The divorce can all be handled by the attorneys, it will just take longer with all the passing back and forth.
I am thinking that I am done with WH for life. If it is his way or the highway, then I chose the highway.
I believe the divorce will go through. I can chose not to deal with WH ever again. Not as any type of punishment, but merely because I have no use for him in my life.
Is it safe to assume that in the distant future, I will be indifferent and it won't hurt to deal with him. At that time, I could be open to the possibility of reframing our coparenting relationship?
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Thank you so much for taking the time to do that Orchid.
Correct me if my thinking on this is wrong. There are parts that aren't very typical and you suggest that I remove them. But one of our big blocks right now, is WH's accusations that I am on a moral high horse since I am a F WW. So my primary objectives are:
1. Inform him that communication between us will cease - which will tickle him to death until he needs something from me.
2. Avoid all LBs
3. Not have a tone of self righteousness.
There is a ton more I could put in the letter, but I am trying to keep it as brief as possible.
Thanks again, I will work on your suggestions. U were a FWW. U R now and have been his W and the mother of his children for quite a while. He can't keep bringing up old stuff if his new stuff is taking up all the space in your heart and mind. Stop giving him breaks because u used t/b a WS. U R right to keep the letter brief but not purty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> L.
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Jean,
How's the next draft coming along?
L.
Last edited by Orchid; 05/19/06 02:19 AM.
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WH,
If have legal questions - talk to attorney.
If you have kid questions - talk to Grandma.
See you at their high school graduation. I'm done.
BS
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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WH,
If have legal questions - talk to attorney.
If you have kid questions - talk to Grandma.
See you at their high school graduation. I'm done.
BS Very short and very direct. If he doesn't get it with that letter, he ought to have a labotomy. Just kidding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> L.
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My two cents, Jean,
"WH,
I have loved you since you climbed in the makeshift tent. You fascinate me. Your passion, your unwavering stance on your belief system is something that I have always admired, even when I didn’t agree with your beliefs. I have believed that your passion and unwavering commitment would somehow see both of us through in our marriage. I'm sorry. I know I've been half all along...as much power, responsibility, freedom and love as you.
Now that I realize this, I am going to protect my love for you. I believe in halves of marriage...not thirds. I respect your choice to continue your affair, to break our marriage and family. I know I have no control and never did. My choice is to have no contact with you until you end your infidelity. I will not communicate with you directly, only through M.
Please plan on getting the girls 5pm on Fridays or 3pm on Saturdays and return at 5pm on Sunday. Adhering to this set time will protect my heart. M will be available to be the drop off point starting next weekend. (She will not be available 5-21). I choose not to speak with you in any manner. M can pass an emergency message, if needed.
I would love to build a fulfilling life with you. I will not help you with the divorce or try to coparent with you. I believe in marriage and in you. I know you are as capable, whole and complete as I am.
Thank you for everything you have taught me about respect and dignity. I will use those lessons in the spirit they were intended. Trying to remember the good that we had, I have to stop experiencing this present with you.
With sincere love for my husband and family,
BW
Jean,
Stating your truth without DJs is imperative to you not betraying yourself. You are going to Plan B out of love for yourself and your WH. With DJs, you are saying one thing and doing another...which has been the crazymaking part of your life for a long time.
Emphasize your choice, not his reactions. You can really get true respect into your life in this way. You can do this.
LA
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that is very, very good Loving. I haven't given him anything yet, I am on the fence right now as to whether I want him back, waywardy or not.
I do like what you wrote and if I give him a plan B letter, I would like to just use yours.
Thanks
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I've been reading some more of your posts...and I would like to ask you if you live by your feelings... And I giggled when I read "I do like what you wrote and if I give him a plan B letter, I would like to just use yours." Jean...it is your letter. Yours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LA
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