Ok, i've been plan A'ing and doing everything i can by avoiding LB's over the past 2 weeks.

My issues was over the past month was my WS was telling me i was making a big deal/overreacting out of nothing when she would go out with her friends after work. which we had come to an agreement on her picking to go out once a month. She would give me the courtsy of letting me know where she was going to be and about how long. if she was going to be longer, than a quick call or a text. i know sometimes you can get wrapped up in what your doing and lose track of time, but this was every time. then the once a month started to once a week.

may 3rd, my WS and I were texting like we usually do before she comes into work. I'm already at work. we both work at the same place just different depts. The last text i recieved from her was about 20 min before she would be in saying she was going to the bank which is like 2 blocks from us. from that point i never heard anything from her. i dropped her 2 emails, one to see if she was running late, because my last break is 15 min before her shift starts and i didn't ser her car in the parking lot. the last one was that i was heading home and told her to have a good day.

when i got home i checked my work email and nothing there. i dropped her a text and didn't get anything and i tried calling. by this time i was getting worried. so i had to head back to that side of town and i took a stroll through the parking lot and didn't see her car anywhere. so i called a few more times leaving VM's that i was worried and wanted to make sure she was ok. i then picked up out DD and went over to our work and i figured i'll just run up to her desk and see if she was there. I get there and the person she sits by (also a friend of ours) said she called out sick. I saw her supervisor and he said she called out with a migraine using FMLA. i'm like if she had a migraine then she's not at home resting. Now i'm really worried.

i called several more times (ok like alot of times) not to get anything. I ended up calling my mom to see if she heard anything and the local police and sheriff depts to see if there was any accidents (which there was but not matching her car). i called the area hosptials with nobody registered there. Keep in mind i get off from work at 2:30p and she starts at 1p. I finally get a text from her saying she was on her way home around 7p and she comes in shortly afterwards. she told me she went out with a friend and borrowed some money since we were a bit tight in our finances. i explained how worried i was and glad she was home.

she tells me that they had to goto the other side of the city to get the money, from there they picked up another friend then went out to lunch. she said she left her phone in her car so she never know i called. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

come the next week 5/10. She comes by work in the morning because our DD left a toy in the car that she wanted. Then she sent me a text around 10 that she wan't going to be in at work. i asked if she was ok. she said she got the day off and was going to go shopping. I asked what kind of shopping because i knew we needed to get some things and i would have had her pick something up. she said it was for my b-day which was 5/11. i had said i would finish my paper for school while i was at work so i didn't have to do any of it when i got home so we could spend the afternoon together. we texted a few times. i had heard from her on my last break so i dropped a msg back to see where she was at. an no reply. i went home after work and her car was not there. so i started thinking on the OP. i took a swing by his place and no car there. ok, so i go home and give her a call and got the vm. after some snooping and saw a charge on her cc that went through at a restaurant a few blocks by his place. i called again and ended up hammering her phone. major love buster there. she finally answered it after 30 min. i asked where she was and she told me she was with OP. so i asked her when she was going to get home. we had said we were going to discuss some things on coming to an agreement on. she said she would be on her way. OP live 20 min away in heavy traffic. 45 min later, i dropped a text and asked if she was going to be home before i had to pick up DD. she had said i would be mad (which i wasn't) and that she would make it worth her while. then I was frustereated. i had mentioned on going over there then. texts back not to bother because she was out of town and would be awhile. Now i'm mad. i picked up DD and was going to head over there. i cleared my head and calmed down. i was calling to get her on the phone and ended up getting into an accident. i sent her a text and left her a VM on this and no reply. the op was using her phone and one of them turned it off. doesn't matter who, point was she didn't give a [email]cr@p[/email] that i or DD was in an accident. i went home and got ahold of 2 of our friends and asked if they knew how to get ahold of him. the one that did help me didn't seem too happy that my WS was with him and said when he called somebody else had his phone and that was odd to him.

finally my WS got home little after 10pm. we sat down and talked in a calm an collective manner. i asked what had happend to cause this to start all over again because we were doing so well since november (which was a different guy). then the next two days of talk on my part but arguing and yelling on her part. she had finally told me i was a controlling manipulative [email]b@stard[/email] for wanting to know where she was every second of the day and that she is tired of fight for our marriage, to save our marriage. I'm thinking where is this fighting for our marriage at? i really haven't seen too much work from her accept during the few weeks prior to her hudini stunt and i was happy on that and told her that. but her perception is valid and maybe i have been controlling and manipulative. she also told me that she knew it was my b-day and just didn't care. that hurt me alot.

she ended up going to CA for the weekend 5/12 - 5/14. she had actually called me right before she got to her mom's, which was a surprise to me because i had asked if she could and she did. she also called me when she was a few hours away on her way home too. i embrassed her when she got home.

yesterday she told me about her weekend. then i went and did some running around driving her car. mine has not a/c and it's been hot. i saw a backpack in the trunk and looked in it. there was a few of her journals in it an a bottle of 1/2 drank rum. i saw the recepit that said 5/8 which i saw on in the bank book and i know i didn't goto the liqure store recently. i haven't confronted her on this yet since i don't know how to. i had told her what i did on my weekend and how i did alot of thinking, etc.

Any suggestions? i've been reading and rereading the things on this sight and books for that matter. i'm now starting his needs her needs. i've just finished divorce busting which is a good example of plan A and how to break bad cycles like DJ, LB, etc.

I feel like i'm screwed either way i go. I think she was in the start of another EA, or for that matter starting another one. The only proof i have would be via cellphone. nothing on the pc or anything else.

i sure could use some new direction.

How long have you been in Plan A?

Have you been able to expose her affairs? It concerns me that she seems to be starting another affair.

Does she have family of origin issues?

well the very first A was back in 2003. i came across that one right when it ended. she realized that it was wrong and cut that person out completely. it was an EA.

The 2nd one i found on 11/3/05. i found questionable emails. and ended up blowing it open within two weeks. the EA lasted a total of 6 weeks to no contact was in place. we started making headway during the beginning of January. Things were going good. she had gone out one evening. she let me know where she was going and sent me a text that she would stay an hour longer. i was fine with it and no fights what so ever. after that she kinda blew off the whole agreement. when i would bring it up in a pleasant manner it turned into a fight and she would get me sucked into it. my fault for not being stronger on that.

but things had been going well besides the time she would go out which i started feeling like she was spending more time with her friends than with us at home. she works with them, hangs out with them at work during lunches, etc. i'm at home, taking care of DD. i look at work time as still time with friends. so i showed her last week how much time she has been with friends vs us. in 1 week, her friends had 59 hours in 6 days, while we had 27 hours in the same time period. and i was being generous on our time and conservative on her friends time.

we had been shaing alot of our feelings and started opening back up to each other to come to the conclusion the break down of our marriage was back in aug 1999, which was her b-day when we found out she had a miscarriage. we both put up walls and slowly started to resent each other over the walls.

this new person, i don't know. i know that he is in councling with is gf or S or whatever she is. they have 1 kid i think and are separated. i remember my WS telling me when i went over to his pace on 5/10 that evening, his roommates where there. i'm like asking if he was there. i left a phone number where to get ahold of me. i wanted to find my S and know what the h3ll was going on. (probably get lies on that). I want to get ahold of his S? and expose it to her too, but i'm having difficulty on that one right now. but i do plan to. my WS told me on 5/11 when she got home from work, she was upset with me because our friends had the suspicion back in nov with the prev person, but didn't really have any proof and it was confirmed. she also said that the OP's roommates were mad at me for showing up and they were going to destroy my car and burn down our place and that the op was going to beat my @ss and probably, kill me. i'm like if that is what will make him happy, then he can try.

i told her i bet he's mad because as soon as his S finds out about this, he can kiss all his work goodbye. i bet she kicked him out and probably for this very thing.

i take the threat with a grain of salt. with exposing the EA. i really can't because the only proof i have is the cellphone calls she has made and nothing else.

i would say i've been plan A'ing it since Nov, but not really pushing it out until mid Jan. between school, work, my DD and that i was losing my mind. somewhere over the past 6 weeks i think i laxed a bit on plan A. that has to be the only reason i can think of that this has happened. but i'm finishing up my last semester for my degree and may have been longer on the laxing part. so i'd probably say realistically 2 mo which is sad. and that would be why this has happened again.

i'm not understanding on family of origin issues?

Lost

I'm wondering how her family life was, when she was growing up. She is a mother and has a young child, and should be home with you and her child.

Are you working now?

I think you might need to go to Plan B, if you have done a good Plan A.

her family life wasn't the best. her parents separated and divorced when she was in her early teens i think. mine was when i was 5 and my mom and stepdad when i was 19. she has a daughter from a prev marriage. she had her when she was 15. right now her dd is with grandma because of some issues that raised in our relationship, which i hold myself accountable for her staying with grandma.

i don't think i've given it a good plan A, when i look at it. i know i can push a little harder on it and give it a few more months. worse case i would goto plan b, but i'll need to have more money save up for that, so in the mean time its plan a with my full attention on it since i don't have school after this week.

if i end up having to goto plan b, then i was going to take DD with me when i go since i'm the only one taking care of her but that means i'll end up leaving the state since all my family is in CA, AZ and MT. so i have my pick to goto.

ok

I have taken the less is more solution as of yesterday with my WS. Basically, I have stopped my texting and emails unless she initiates it and then I just keep it simple. I had told her last night that when she got home that I had missed her when she was gone and thought I told her that and just reiterated it. After that we just talked about work and everyday things. I have pushed plan A back into action. It was good to just connect again. My S sd that she was invited to go shooting and asked if it was ok since she never has went. I said that was fine. I’m just going to keep my plan A and also I don’t want my DD to be around something like that unless I was there. We talked a lot on shooting and stuff and I talked about my experiences and the different things I have done recreationally in the past with my family.

I think that part of this is to see if I am/have changed in not getting upset like I have in the past. Like a test. I can understand her being reluctant to opening back up since I have LB and DJ several times in the past. But I have shown her that I have taken the drive and imitative to get back on track and I guess she seemed a bit impressed but as I had said a bit reluctant that this is only temporary. This time around I’m here to prove her wrong. I know breaking habits are challenging but can be done, now that I can spot my LB and DJ right before they start. Although I feel a bit left out on not being able to go (more my choice than anything as mentioned above), I didn’t ask but all the times I have in the past I could go but I don’t have anyone to watch DD right at this time.

My last concern is the bottle of rum in the backpack in the trunk of the car. There was also 2 paper cups and 1 regular plastic cup in there too. Not to assume or speculate, but I’m thinking for the rum. I don’t know how to address that without LB or DJ, which that is what I want to avoid. I saw the charge to the bank acct first before I made my discovery. Any suggestions on that.

I have one concern that i hope someone could give some insight to. One of my views on my WS is she has been demonstrating a fair amount of symptons to clinical depression. is this a possiblity that could cause and EA or even a PA for that matter (which from my knowledge has not happend).

Some of the things she writes and says leads me to question her mental stability and when i step out of the box and look at the overall picture i would say she have been carrying some sort of depression over the course of our marriage.

if this was the case, how would i go about brining this up and suggesting help without LB or DJ.