My wife and I have been married for 4 years. I am 27 and she just turned 25. We have one beautiful 3 yr old daughter. Lately we have been having several problems. First, there is the money issue. We both make plenty of money. But it doesnt matter how much we make if she spends more. I finally decided to pay off her credit cards after 4 yrs and now she is charging them again. She says that she wants to live in the moment and not have money worries. She wants a sportscar (I just got her a car for Christmas), she wants to buy clothes, she wants to buy whatever she wants without worrying about what I think. We sat down and decided on a certain amount so she would have more spending. Every time I give an inch she wants more. Am I wrong for wanting to think about the future? I want to be able to provide for my family's needs later in life (college, retirement, etc.). On top of this, a few months back she met up with some of her highschool friends. I encouraged her that it would be a good idea to spend some time with her friends. I feel that is important to always be an individual in order to be happy. Now, she wants to spend more time with them. She has told me that she feels like she would rather spend time with her frienda than with me. She wants to be able to come and go without having to discuss it with me (ex. she came home and told me she was going to be staying the night with some of her friends that live about 1 yr away). Its not that I have a huge problem with that, it just bothers me that she just came and told me nd not asked if I cared. On top of that I asked her what if I did have a problem with it, and she tells me that she would do it anyways. I am trying to be as understanding as possible that maybe shes just going through a phase and just to give her space. If I try to talk about it, she just tells me I talk things to death and that I just need to let it go. She admits that she is being extremely selfish, but it is just what she needs right now. Other little things have bothered me too. She says that it is just something she going through and that it isnt me, but I feel like she is pushing me away. All of the sudden, she started wearing clothes to bed (maybe not a big deal, but it is something we have never done). She says she is unsure about the future because we have such different goals in life (I would like another child, she says she may not; I work in a company that is a one state operation, she wants to move out of state one day; the money issue of course; etc). Then there is the issue with our daughter. I have always been the type to help out as much as possible. On top of doing all of the outside work at the house, I help do everything inside as well. I also share the responsibility with our daughter. It has gotten where I am basically her mother and father now. I get her up in the mornings, I bring her to school, I pick her up, I spend time with her, etc. My wife is so worried about herself that she doesnt have the amount of time to spend as a mother. When she tells her she will be there, she usually isnt (which leaves me amking excuses for her). It is starting to really get old. When she is with her, she is great. My daughter loves the time they do have together, but it just isnt enough. I have always been a family orriented person, so it is hard for me to understand not wanting to put your family first. Where is my marrige headed? Is it in serious jeapordy? I this just a phase that needs time and space on my part? Am I worrying too much? I am not the type that worries alot, but I am pretty conserned right now. Has anyone been through this before that can possible provide a little insight?

Jimmy,

Sounds like my marriage. Some issues that I relate to are: spending time with friends. I too, have told my husband that I am going out with my friends and might spend the night (because they too, live about an hour away. I don't feel obligated to get 'permission' from H to spend time with others, I am my own person and have the right to some individual time. Although, I am not saying that she shouldn't discuss it with you, etc. But, as long as it is only an occasional event, then it shouldn't be a worry, If she does it every weekend, then I would be concerned.

However, I would be concerned about the fact that she says she is unsure about the future, that is a red flag. Maybe you should get a babysitter and take her out somewhere and try to talk to her to see where she is at. Do you take her out regularly? My H never takes me out and it bothers me.

Do you generally do things together, IE: watch tv, go for a walk, take the child places? If not, maybe you would benefit from trying to get involved in these types of things.

Good luck

We just got back from an 7 day cruise. I though we would get plenty of time then, but it just seems like she is distant. She has been working late for the past 2 weeks. If she gets home before ten it is surprising. Last night she didn't get home until after 12. She seems to have a reason for all of it, but it just feels like she is just pushing further and farther away. I am just tired of doing all of the little things to try to make her happy when she doesnt even seem to care. I am also really tired of being a father and a mother to my daughter. My daughter is constantly saying or even crying because she misses her mommy. I have had just about enough. I think I a ready to give up.

My 2 cents: It sounds to me like she is having an affair. I would ask her to be up front and honest, or, spy on her to get to the bottom of it before you waste any more time trying to figure out why she would rather be 'out' than home with her family.

Going on a few dates is not the answer, IMO. But going out alone without interruption would be a good thing to do so you can talk about what she is feeling. Leave out your concerns about money & daughter and focus on her, what is she feeling, does she see a future and if not, why? Find out if she is interested in being a wife and mother any more, ask her to be completely honest with you as you need to know the truth. IMO, knowing the truth is better than constantly guessing.

Best of luck~

Things have seemed to get a little better now. I asked her to talk to someone about what she was going through if she did not want to talk to me. She talked to her friend and her mother. We have talked more after she talked with them. My W tried to explain that she just feels like when she is at home she has to be a mother and a wife and doesnt get time to just be her. Her mother talked to me yesterday and she cant understand either why she is going through this. What would make someone unhappy about being with their family? Why would you not want to spend time with your family? It is not like she is around all the time. I am the one that spends all my time taking care of our daughter. She maybe sees her family for 2 hrs a day, and she doesnt enjoy the time being a mother and wife? That is just hard to comprehend. I was just always raised to put your family and God first. I have been a little resentful about the whole situation, and it is funny how she seems to want to be closer and more intimate when I have the attitude that I no longer care. She just doesnt know what she wants and it is extremely frustrating. She has agreed to go to counseling although she doesnt think it will help how she feels. It is even worth going to a counselor if you go into it with a negative attitude?

Jimmy,

Have you been reading all the articles here on this website...about Love Busters (LBs), Emotional Needs (ENs), the Love Bank, etc?

They could be really helpful for you in your situation.

Here is where you Disrespectfully Judged (DJ) "She has agreed to go to counseling although she doesnt think it will help how she feels. It is even worth going to a counselor if you go into it with a negative attitude?"

Your resentment, which you create in yourself, is giving you a false sense of power...usually does when we feel powerless...it is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Very toxic to you and your perspective.

Go to counseling...both of you...inject respect into your marriage...she agreed to go...honor that choice. She is choosing her life...you have no control, nor did you...and now you're feeling the scary limit of being human...you had influence which she allowed and considered, and now she isn't...

In your posts, you are full of judgments...which means you aren't safe to talk to...your wife may well be lost, having an emotional affair or feeling smothered by the consequences of her choices...to be a wife and mother at 25...whatever she is thinking, feeling or believing is hers and hers alone...judging her more, demanding more, resenting more will not make you safe to be connected to...

And these aren't safe for you, either, to be with yourself. What you do to others, you do to yourself.

Focus on yourself, your DD (dear daughter)...take time to breathe, know your real power which is in your choices...you choose to be home and take care of DD; you choose to put God and family first in your life; you choose and it is your power from God's design. You cannot cause, control or cure your wife...or anyone else. Not in God's design. Know your limits and your power...do more self-care, judge less, accept more, and work on your LBs to be safe so you won't throw away your family from resentment, pain or spite...

You can grow a lot here, Jimmy...your whole life can expand and be amazing...your choice.

Know you choose your attitude, perspective, thoughts and beliefs...all within your power, your control...

You can do this. Researching these books...His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN); Fall in Love, Stay in Love; Love Busters; all by Dr. Harley....Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend; in these I found acceptance that I'm not nuts, alone or defective...and learned about human relationships instead of what I grew up with.

There's an awesome book which helps both ways.."Between Parent and Child"...about injecting respect in your relationship with your DD, which others here have used to help their marriages, as well.

Take care...you're not alone...you can do this...

LA