my H liked being married....

i'm beginning to think that maybe my H just recreated the life he had with me.......but replaced me with the OW who does meet the needs that i wasn't.....

and it seems to be working for him


I'm wondering if some former WS can give me some insight.

ps

i'm wondering what kind of thoughts/feelings a WS experiences

Oh, Eav...

This is about a man who chooses a clean slate versus a real life...we can recreate fantasy over and over again, using up people in the process, including ourselves...and it won't make it real. It will make it a do-over.

You are real, Eav...and your H liked being married to you...you met his needs; he was crazy about you...it was him, over time, logging all the mistakes, harsh judgments and unreasonable expectations...holding resentment (his choice), which gave him the idea that replacing you was what he needed most.

You're irreplaceable.

You're real.

No lie.

Humans are flesh, not slates...we have memories, illusions, separate realities and a whole lot of fear...what we choose to do with all of those is our own choice.

Live and learn...

or

Live and repeat.

I like where you are, Eav. Growing, knowing and being here...inspires so many lives...instead of avoiding from them...

You rock.

And yes, this is from FWS me...why the fog is real, as is the pain, but most of it, by my own choice; unbeknownest to me.

LA

loving

you made me cry....

Hey, hey, hey...

Did not.

You cried.

You shared.

I shared.

How it works.

LA

P.S. Was it, uhm, a good cry, or a "get off my thread you big fat meanie" cry?

And yes, my insecurity IS showing.

it was a good cry.....thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LovingAnyway said it extremely well.

Good morning Eav-
I perfectly understand your thought and have been feeling
the same way- WH seems to have just "jumped" from our life
and world into a "new one" where:
I've been replaced by OW
Our dog has been replaced by OW's two dogs
Our home has been replaced by WH's house
WH didn't want any of the linens, bedding, barware, dishes,
utensils or the like from our house. (I'm sure he got all new replacements).

Seems like WH's life is just going on the same as always,
but with these "replacement players" (kind of like a play
where they announce "tonight the part of XXX will be played
by XXX").
He doesn't seem happy though- he's still grouchy, "down",
and didn't look that great last time I saw him. You'd think
he must realize his same problems and issues are still there
with him, even if he's changed everything else in his life.

I think he does still care about me, us, our dog, and I
think he still remembers our memories, history and plans
together, but what it's going to take to get him to take
action to come out of the "parallel life" and back to real
life, I don't know- and that's where I get stuck without
any answer or ideas.
Slammed

BS- me, 42
WH- 38
Married 8 yrs, together 11, no kids (WH has 2D from past)
WH has bipolar,obsessive-compulsive disorder and lots of
issues from dysfunctional family.
July 05- WH met OW "online"
Aug 05- WH moved in with OW (although I didn't know at time)
Oct 05- OW called me, exposing all of WH's lies and A
She kicked him out and they "broke up"(lasted about 10 days)
Dec 05- WH got DUI on Christmas Eve while with OW which
immediately knocked him out of the fog, got him to go to IC,
a new psychiatrist, and interested in reconciliation.
Jan 06- WH moved home- things improving and he seems sincere
in reconciliation, NC, and continuing counseling.
Feb 06- Nice trip together, but after we get home contact
picks up and A resumes.
Mar 06- WH moves out, no longer interested in working on M,
"wants to be alone and on his own".
Apr 06- OW moves in with WH, supposedly just for a "few days
while she is looking for new place" (still there a month
later).
May 06- Have gone to "Plan B", will give him letter after
land sale closing.

Slammed, do give him the PBL.

I say this because, on your other post for hurting, it sounds like some of the effects of Plan B are starting to kick in for you. You are starting to feel some of the detachment, resignation, and calm of Plan B.

I felt the same, and didn't send PBL till I was badgered into it by this board, months later. It seemed so pointless to send it at that point. However, the PBL does state your terms and your love. It's a real form of closure FOR YOU. It's your best shot. It's amazing what a psychological difference it will make for you.

Threadjack over. Return to regular programming.

i'm wondering what thoughts go through a WS head when they do this....just replace their spouse and rebuild their life....can they really just forget or block it all out?

if someone else dropped right into my life....living with me and taking my H's place.....i don't think the emptiness would be the same....because i would still feel like i had a partner to share life with

but i'd still miss my H because of my feelings of love for him....there would be thoughts of him and what might have been....a longing for the person i love instead of just the person filling his space


but my H doesn't have those feelings for me so does that mean he's content because his life is going on just the same except with someone else

i might not be making sense as i'm trying to explain this

I understand exactly what you are saying. It seems as if my WH is in a new life now with OW and by reading intercepted emails they sound very happy. Maybe they are just playing house, not sure, she's 17 years younger than him, but I wonder too, how can he just shut off what we had and leave me and the kids for someone old enough to be his daughter!

I have no idea if he still has feelings for me or not. I doubt it. When I ask, he says he's not sure. When I ask him how things are, he complains that he's so busy at work, doesn't have time to do anything. I think he's playing the role though so I'll feel sorry for him. He's having tons of sex with her, so I'm sure he's happy!

BTW, he still claims they are only "friends"!!

still hope to hear more from FWS on this subject

Eav:

Another person can never replace another person!

That does not make logical sense.

The relationship with your WH and the OP is NO WAY comparable to his R with you.

Wasn't this explained on your other thread?

Eav,

I have been accused of just wanting a 'fill in the blank' mate. Like you said, if there were a man around, you would be less lonely.

I haven't had that clean slate experience (my FOM was old boyfriend), but the idea certainly sounds appealing.

Think of this:
Your a in a mental funk, depressed and delusional (or whatever). If you have already started your A, you probably feel like crap about that, breaking the moral code, so you feel yucky about yourself.

You need a fill in the blank mate. Who are you gonna pick?
A. Wife that knows you, you have ripped her soul and and she might want to talk about that which would be very uncomfortable.

B. Troll-ho that doesn't know much about you except that you are a liar and a cheat, so she is not expecting much. She is easily snowed and believes all the crap you pile on. And it is easy, you don't have to think about your guilt when you are rolling around with other dogs. She can't expect too much because you can always throw out that "you knew I was still married" card.

Life with the OP is completely do-able, and probably easier. But it is living a half life, like being in a fun park full of those sqiggly mirrors that make you look short, fat, tall or thin. You are just hanging out with someone as crappy as you feel about yourself avoiding the real mirrors.

Hi.

I don't think that your H has forgotten you. At this time, he probably is only thinking of the things he didn't like about the marriage, about the needs the weren't filled. I'm sure the OW is filling his needs and this keeps him distracted. But like everthing else, eventually life will interfere in his new relationship. You know all those little things that drive us crazy about our mates. I wonder what he will do when she stops meeting his needs? Trade her in for another model?

No one can take your place. You are unique. There never has nor will there ever be another you. There is a saying that I once read on a little kid's T-shirt that I think you should remeber . . . It went something like this "I know that I'm special becaue God doesn't make junk."

I'm sorry that this is so hard.

I am a FWS BTW.

Mimi
i guess that i don't really "get it" because it seems that my H HAS replaced me

and moved on with life

i know that eventually the affair may end when reality sinks in....but for now it seems as though my H replaced everything from our life and IS living his life as though he is married again

jean.....

that makes sense!

life with OW is easier because she only knows the "truths" as he told them to her.....and she's just as bad as he is because she is a cheater and a liar to

so it's easier to live with himself when he's living with OW


numb,

my H listed as his top emotional needs

1. honesty and openess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (i most certainly was open and honest about everything with my H! he however was not open and honest with me about HIS feelings....instead he told OW how he felt about ME and SHE was open and honest with my H about how she felt about HER H.....yeah...they get what this REALLY means don't they?

2. recerational companionship (OW told her H that she is getting to do things with my H that she wasn't able to do since she get pregnant and married so young....wonder how she finds the time with 4 kids? oh yeah....that's right! OW works only a few hours a week IF she is still working at all)

3. affection
4. SF
5. attractiveness

he NOW claims that financial support isn't a top need.....that's good cause he's got none at all from OW

i guess as long as she meets those needs....he'll hang in there

eav,

I am here with you on this one.

it does seem like they can replace us and not think twice about it.

I like you feel the OW is meeting all of his needs now. She has him plus my son, happy little family they seem to be potraying.

Since the exposure to OW about his lies and cake eating planb has been easy. She gave him the choice her or me.... Well he chose her. He won't even come around our home if I am here. He will pick DD up at her grandmothers or the corner not in front of our house. He only will come to get his rocks and stuff from the yard if his sister is here or I am gone. He is planb'ing me. Guess that should tell me all I need to know. His affair of almost one year means more than the 25 years we had together. Maybe he is not the one who needs to get it, maybe its me who needs to get it.....

hard to let go thats for sure, especially when you still love and care for them. But it will come in time or at least thats what I keep getting told anyway......

Hurting

He is with a WOMAN or a HO or THE OTHER WOMAN but he has not REPLACED you. She will never be you. It bothers me to hear you and Hurting compare yourselves to these women. It is HIS LOSS. HE TRADED DIAMONDS FOR DIRT. She will NEVER, EVER, EVER be on your level. She is not a person of worth....

Do you get the distinction that I am making?

For me, I got to the place that I didn't want a man that would CHOOSE such scum.

I only wanted a man who recognized MY VALUE and wanted ME.

I made this very clear to my H in the PLAN B letter and to his face before he left...

Mimi,

I know she can never be me , I know she is never ever gonna be someone of worth. How could she be after doing this to a family......

What bothers me is she has taken something from me that was mine and turned it into a nasty, mean uncaring monster....

yes he has choosen to be with scum, so guess that makes him scum right now as well..... I don't want scum but I do want the man he used to be. If I could see him as scum right now it would be easier, but all I can remember is who he used to be.... How do you get to the point of seeing him for who he is now and forget the person he was????

Hurting

It might help to think of this as a death. The man you knew, the one that treated you with love and kindness is dead and gone. Bury him. Morn for him and for your loss. You have memories of that past and that is well and good. You just need to remember that that man doesn’t exist anymore and the likelihood of him being resurrected anytime soon is probably pretty small.

Maybe take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. List the wonderful things that you like about your H in the left-hand column and the horrible things he has done lately on the right. Sometimes it does wonders to look objectively at one’s life. After you are finished, look at the right side and ask yourself if you really want someone in your life that can treat a precious creature in that fashion.

All the best.