Ooops...

Of course, I don't agree with that statement!!

So, I don't agree with EVERYTHING that Star says...I mispoke..

My Mistake...

Sorry, Eav...

Thanks for setting me straight!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

mimi & eav,

Just out of curiosity, if a BS loves their WS, and the WS goes off with the OP, just how long DOES the BS wait before they know FOR SURE that their WS is not coming back to them? Do you think this may have been Star's point? I'm honestly not trying to start some cat fight, I am sincerely curious about this "time frame" concept.

Thank you,

KJ

Dr. Harley recommends Plan B for 2 years. I think the assumption is that by this time the A has ended and/or the BS has a depleted love bank.

I really don't understand those that say that a BS can just "move on". If you love your H or W, how can it be that easy to "move on"? Easier said than done. Losing your love for your WS, especially if your M before the A was a good one (like Eav's and Hurting's and mine), seems to me would be extremely difficult.

No cat fight from me.

I try to stick to the MB principles.

This is the part I agree with..



I agree with NOT focusing on the OP but with focusing on YOURSELF. MOVE ON from focusing on them!! Take it one day at the time..try to get the most for YOURSELF out of each day with the goal being to HEAL. HEALING takes TIME...

What I am talking about is PERSONAL RECOVERY..almost three years into MARITAL RECOVERY, my PERSONAL RECOVERY which began on D-Day... is continuing as well...

First I want to say hello to everyone. After reading the posts here I have some questions if you don't mind. If your WS can forget the feelings of love they have for you, forget the good times you had, don't spend any time thinking about the consequences of the A, is happy for the first time in a long time, and the op isn't filling in space because they are meeting their needs then what is the point of plan B?

Is plan b a waste of time if your WS has already moved out, still in the A, maybe living with op and rarely have any contact with you? If I misinterpreted what was said, please let me know. If not please help me understand.

blondie33,

If you haven't, read eav's post just above your last post. I think this answers your question about Plan B? Hope so.

eav, just an observation here. Isn't it amazing how much a BS can love their WS, for so long, even after what they have done? Yet it appears to be so easy for the WS to lose any love they ever had for their spouse. I am reminded of this every day, when I see and feel how much my H loves me. Now that I am out of the fog, I just can't comprehend how I ever got to such a spot. Sigh..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Blondie:

You might find this article to be helpful.

What are Plan A and Plan B?

This part specifically deals with your question:

karijean

there are many times that i DO wonder how i can still love my H after everything that has happened.....

but i love the man he was before the affair....

i'm hoping THAT man comes back to me when/if sees through the fog

You gotta ask yourself something Eav. Who is it that he is NOW...is he WS or the H? You know the answer.

Cherish and love the memory of the H. Until and if ever he changes, you can hold onto that in your heart. Meanwhile TODAY...you go on and you hold your head high. You DO NOT WAIT TO EXHALE...you don't wait on somebody else to begin living at all.

I had to learn this the hard way.

Boy can I finally breathe easier btw. Breathing got easier about 2 years ago.

peachy

i know that this man is not the man i knew

i had a good marraige to a good man and we had a good life together

i still love that man with all my heart

however, my work, my family, my friends.....all of the things that are part of my days now...are not enough

i want a partner again...i want the person who i share everything with....for me, life is complete when i have someone to share it with everyday

but i still love the man that i'm married to so i don't want to look for someone else

and so THAT is my delemma

reading the thread about songs....

i heard this recently and it really hit home with me

"what it takes" by aerosmith

"Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep
In the night, without thinkin' you lost
Everything that was good in your life
To the toss of the dice
Tell me what it takes to let you go"

Sending out a BIG HUG to you Eav!!

thank you mimi...i could use one today

The fact that so few affairs lead to long term relationships is a sure sign that it is indeed hard to replace a spouse.

The problem with affairs is the delusions they create in the participants.

Most marriages start out quite romantic and passionate, but then the passion subsides and is replaced by a more mature kind of love, one that feels less exciting but more secure. That is not to say that passion cannot be re-ignited, but generally it can only be sustained for short periods. In love, passion and security are enemies. Want proof? If your spouse threatens to leave you or tells you they don't love you, watch your desire for them flare up like you never thought it could.

In affairs, lovers have passion and romance, but no security or commitment. The thrill of a new relationship, the secrecy of being deceptive, and sex with someone who hardly know fuel the fire.

Since most people consider engaging in an affair dishonest, the cheaters have a sense of guilt. They try to overcome these feelings of guilt by rationalizing their actions. To accomplish that, they must find fault with the betrayed spouse. In their mind, somehow, the betrayed spouse must be responsible for driving them to have an affair. Many cheaters will go so far as to re-write the history of their marriage, making it seem as though everything was terrible and there was very little good about their spouse.

The other head game working on them is called projection. In projection, you don't really know your affair partner very well, so you can project all those qualities on them that you would want your perfect lover to have. How can you not fall in love with them? You've made them your perfect lover. This is where the fantasy comes in to play.(Which is one of the reasons why they often claim that the sex was the best they ever had, not because the physical pleasure was any different, but because the emotional pleasure was at an all time high.)

The best thing about projection is that getting to know your lover better kills the image you've created about them, thus snuffing out the flames of passion.

So how do betraying spouses manage to forget all the wonderful memories that they made with their spouses in marriage? How can they throw it all away? The answer is they are blocked out. Sentimentalism about their spouse would intrude on their new-found love; they won't allow that. It would also bring their guilt to the forefront.

Anyone who has witnessed a betraying spouse recover from an affair will attest to the fact that they will frequently be shocked at the things they did once the "fog" is lifted from them.

The best description for a spouse in an addictive extramarital relationship is that they are suffering from a kind of temporary insanity.

If you keep that in mind, you'll feel better about yourself. You are not the crazy one.

Eav,

My xWH to this day DENIES the things he has done during his EA's and during the separation/divorcing period we went thru.

He cannot recall breaking into my home..he cannot recall sending me down a flight of steps...he cannot recall my being pushed down so hard on the ground I was bruised...he cannot recall the names he called me or the vicious manner in which he behaved or how he financially destroyed me. He just CANNOT REMEMBER IT...or he won't ALLOW HIMSELF TO REMEMBER IT...because it would mean he became a monster.

He acts wierd. Today when I allowed ds to go over there b/c it's wistress' son's birthday, he was dumbstruck. Couldn't speak. He was "peach...well...thank you...I can't believe you're doing this.." Me: I am maybe quite possibly the woman you denied that I always was...at least the last three years maybe. Xh: Uh... me: It's ok.

He can't fathom he was this monster...He can't fathom HE STILL IS A WS...just not my ws anymore. But a WS nonetheless.

And you can love the memory of your H....you just should get on with life until if and when the man ever wakes from his self induced coma. You're still holding onto some things that you need to, for now, let go of hon.

And what the wise poster before me said, was that the fantasy is a fantasy basically...and they are UNABLE TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES IN THE FANTASY...there is no common thread, no bond, no truth...no real foundation. Just deceptions and lies. In the end, they will implode on each other. UPON THIS YOU CAN DEPEND. I see the slow moving train wreck of a marriage..if you can call it a marriage...more like an unholy alliance...between my xh and his wistress.

thank you peachy and hiker for your words of wisdom

i just read something in a book that i am reading that hit home with me:

it is a statement about addiction and the feeling that you get when you need a "hit"

" At that point, the addict will do anything, steal anything, sell anyone out, for a fix. Being able to put a man into that kind of misery gives you real power over him. being able to bring him back from that misery makes the power nearly absolute."

to me.....that sounds like a good way to explain why the WS thinks the OP is their "soul mate" and the best thing that ever happened to them......and why they are willing to throw everything and everyone away to be with that person

SHADEN....saw you are surfing and requested an update on the recovery board. Please post an update there or here. Love to hear from you. If it's Mrs. Shaden please give an update as well.

Mr. Wondering

*sorry for the threadjack

BINGO, EAV! YOU'VE GOT IT!!

What's the book????

OMG Hiker,

Absolutely EVERYTHING in your post is dead-on accurate. Makes me cringe, but it's a good cringe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KJ

hiker, i agree....

what you said hits the nail right on the head!