I'm kind of in your shoes.

WH could care less about kids, OW too important.

I want our marriage to work somedays, some days I don't. I know he doesn't. He's happy with OW, no kid responsibilites etc. They are liivng together.

I think too if I file D will that shock him into reality or put this nightmare behind me? I've got kids I have to think of and a D will shatter them, but they are living this ****** too now.

I feel like you, scared and that it is hopeless. He is so wrapped up in her, I never see him coming out of the fog.

Mandy, his behavior is totally typical of what the WS displays when exposure has taken place. I don't know if you have read this before, but it is like interrupting the supply of drugs to the addict. You have taken the secret and exposed it to daylight, and he and OW are NOT going to be happy about it.

Threats? Normal.
Anger? Normal.
Tantrums? Normal.
Fury? Yup, you guessed it.

Now, you say you have no choice but to start the process of divorce. That's wrong. You do have a choice. You say you love your husband. If that is true, why are you going to pursue a divorce?

You mentioned in an earlier post that you thought that starting the process of divorce would give him a taste of what life might be like (I'm paraphrasing here...those aren't your actual words). Mandy, please understand something:

NOTHING you do is going to make him see the light. He is so fog-bound right now, that nothing you say or do is going to penetrate.

If you want a divorce, see an attorney. But do it because you want it, not because you believe that filing will impact your H and motivate him to end the affair and work on the marriage. Simply will not occur.

Mandy, everything he's saying is typical of exposed wayward spouses. Another routine reaction is something to the effect that, he "was going to work on the marriage with you, but now...now there's no way." I see your WH is using the “I want to be friends” option on that theme but you may still hear the basic theme. He might say he can’t trust you anymore (I’m not kidding…they will say that). At some point, he’ll rewrite history and tell you he hasn’t loved you for years or maybe he’ll say the entire marriage has been a sham and he’s never been happy, etc., etc. It’s all garbage, of course. It’s the rewriting of history wayward spouses do to justify their adultery.

That he is furious is also routine. His secret is out and now Fantasyland isn’t the safe, warm place it used to be. He’s like a small child whose candy has just been taken away from him and he’s throwing a tantrum now. Expect more tantrums over the next couple of days before the anger begins to fade.

Good on you for getting that appointment with your attorney. Any time a wayward spouse starts talking divorce and moves out of the family home, I think it’s vital the betrayed spouse take steps to ensure the family’s financial security. Regretfully, that requires legal action more often than not.

It doesn’t mean when things settle down you might be able to do a Plan A. Just filing for a legal separation or divorce does not make anything final. There are still a lot of mornings the wayward one can wake up and come to a realization they are giving up way to much for too little reward.

Hang in there, Mandy. The road is going to be bumpy for a while, but if you keep your cool and stay patient, things will even out.

Thank you so much for your replies

Catgirl, I am so sorry about your situation as well. It is so very scary and confusing. It is so painful, nothing compares to it.

ISgirl, Thank you for your support as well. I do love my H. I feel that I have to do this to protect my family. He has threatened divorce since the day he left, which has been 2 months now. He does help pay the bills now, but that could stop, and there is no way I can support myself and the kids on my income alone. I try to plan A, but it has been difficult with him gone. There hasn't been a day since he left, that he has not told me that he doesn't want me anymore.

Longhorn, Thank you so much. This is going to be so difficult, but I know I have to do it. It has been a hard day, I have been worried sick over all this. Not to mention it is going to take most of what I have saved just for the retainer. I also lost one of my daycare clients today, which means more loss of income for me. I hope God has great plans for me, because right now, I feel like my life is truly falling apart. I am trying my hardest to stay strong, and keep it together. I will continue to tell him that I want our marriage, and that I do love him. When he is ready to start talking of a plan with me to save our marriage, I will listen.
Thank you again, for your continued support

Your life is not falling apart, Mandy. You WILL get through this. God will not give you more than you can handle. MB folks are out here to help you find your way through the hard times, but you should gather a support group around there too. Stay in contact with your family and close friends, okay? And post here regularly.

I went to my appointment on Friday. I will send the rest of the paper work into him today. I fear my WH will hate me even more after this. He barely talks to me anymore as it is. He did let me know that he is done giving me money, until after he gets a divorce from me. Whether it is true or not, we will find out this week. He saids when he gets enough money, he will file. He called me breifly yesterday, to request the payment information for the truck. I told him I didn't want to discuss anything like that with him. He again told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I tell him I love him, and he hangs up the phone. How can I ever be givin a chance to show him that I love him?

I am so lost and everything so overwhelming. Some days I feel like I cannot go on anymore. The kids are misbehaving badly. I have absolutely not support from him at all. I try to talk to people everyday, it only offers temporary relief. Everyone tells me I am doing the right thing by filing. I love me husband so much, and miss him terribly, the pain in unbearable. Even when I do have the slightest opportunity to speak to him, I feel awkward, and uncomfortable, and not able to find the right words to say to him.

I told the attorney that this isn't what I want, but something I felt I had to do. He said that he has had a few cases of the divorces stopping because of reconcilliation, but that it never worked out for either of them. That certainly didn't make me feel any better.
I hate that my WH is forcing me to do this.

How can he just stop loving me?
Would it be a good idea for me write him a letter, letting him know my feelings for him?
Also, our anniversary is comming up on the 12th, should I get him a gift? How about fathers day?

I did also make an appointment for IC for next week. I let WH know, and asked him again if he wanted to attent MC with me. He said he didn't want to.

Thank you all for your support. I feel like a major taker right now. I haven't offered any support to any of you on here going through the same things as I am. I am so sorry.

Good to see you back, Mandy. A couple of things: first, can you see a doctor about getting on anti-depressants? Those meds are designed precisely for what you’re facing right now. You need a way to not be dragged down by every new hurt your husband piles on because you have two children depending on you. The meds will help you even your moods out so you can be their role model at this time when they need you most.

Their acting out is a product of their insecurity now. Have you told them what’s going on? Don’t think they are too young. At the time of my wife’s infidelity, my 4-year-old saw and understood what her mother was doing and it created a rift between them that is still there today, 33 years later. Dr. Harley advises the children be informed, by the way.

Do not feel bad about filing for divorce. Again, when your spouse told you he was going to, it became a matter of self-defense. Additionally, there’s a lot of time between filing and final decree. Anything can happen. Don’t be concerned about what your attorney said about reconciliation. Attorneys have a vested interested in seeing filings are carried all the way through. It’s how they make their money. He’s also talking about people who don’t have a plan for recovery. You do.

His threat to stop supporting you and the children is something that could be expected, and something I think was coming anyway. The court will order him to continue support and he’ll disobey that at his peril.

Hang in there, Mandy. What you’re going through is rough, but you WILL get through it. When you do, you'll be offering pointers to newcomers just finding out they've been betrayed. For now, you concentrate on you and your children, okay?

Longhorn,

I have let my husband know that I have filed. He seems o.k. with it, except that he thinks it was stupid of me to get an attorney, when we could have settled it together with a parallegal. I haven't talked a whole lot about it with him, but I know that he is worried about what I will try to get. He said that it is still what he wants.

Anyways, tonight he called me. And he finally admitted to the affair. Though not totally truthful, but he did admit to it. He said that he had only been seeing her the past month and half, but I know it has been lots longer. As much as it hurts, it is also kinda relieving in a way. He went on to tell me that he wants to remain friends with me, and that he still cares deeply about me and the girls. He slipped a couple of times and said that he may still love me a little bit, but not enough to work on the marriage. That he thinks to much damage has been done to be repaired. I told him that I still loved him, and he started crying briefly. He said that everyone at work knows about them now, since I called out there and exposed, and H and OW admited to the supervisors and other co-workers that they were seeing each other. He thinks that they are excepting of it, but I know from talking to others they are discusted by it. He said that he don't know if OW is what he wants. He said that he was sorry for all the hurt and pain he has caused me, and that he didn't want to cause me anymore pain.
He said that he was going to continue seeing her, and see where it goes. It was very hard, but I listened camly to him, and was very calm in talking to him. He saids that I have alot of issues to work out, which I know now is FOG talk. So I didn't take it personally this time.

What does all this mean?

He also mentioned the possiblity of taking OW out with the girls this weekend. This is the part that kills me. I asked him to please don't involve the girls, that it was to soon, and they are still hurting from all this too. He said that he would respect my wishes, but I don't know if he will or not.
What do I do about this?

Oh, and today was also our anniversary, but on Friday when I dropped the kids of to him, I got him a gift. He acted agry and refused it. But today on the phone he said that he didn't mean to act angry, but when I offered him the gift it made him feel good, and some of the loving feelings for me came back briefly. He didn't want to give me false hope by accepting the gift.

I am confused, sorry if this is all over the place.

Are you still taking anti-depressants? I hope so. All of the stuff your husband is saying and doing are normal for a cheating spouse.

Hang in there, and don't give up.

You have custody of your children, Mandy. Do NOT allow him to take the girls to meet OW. Any woman who goes after a married man is not a good role model for them. They should also be made aware their father has indulged himself with inappropriate conduct.

Make a clause specifying no contact between your girls and the OW a part of the temporary separation agreement in the divorce petition. Get with your attorney to make sure contact does not happen. After your divorce, you not be able to stop it, but you should be able to while you're still married.

Totally agree with Longhorn Mandy. I believe in legal terms they refer to it as no-co-ed visitation - neither of you can introduce children to opposite sex partners before divorce.

Thanks Longhorn,

I contacted my attorney, and he said that he would put in for no overnights with the OW with my girls, and temporary NC between my girls and OW. Hopefully it works out. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about her around my girls.

Now, should I still be trying to plan A with him?

I have my first appointment tomorrow for IC to hopefully sort through some of this stuff I'm going through. There aren't very many counselers around here to choose from, so hopefully she is good.

Mandy,
And don’t let WH make you feel stupid, EVER. Especially about forking money out for an attorney. If he sticks to his word, and plays fair, and you can avoid court, then most of your retainer should becoming back to you. That’s how I look at my situation. It is an investment for my and my children’s protection.
--d2m3b.

I had my first IC session on Wednesday. I wasn't to impressed with the couselor, I didn't get much out of it. Afterwards I went to the mall to get H something from the kids for Father's Day, and ran into H and OW and her son. I posted it about this in my other thread. It wasn't pretty at all. She is about 12 years older than H is. It looked discusting.

I found out that H and OW are still under investigation at work. And that eventually OW will probably be moved to a different department. It will take time for this to happen. I am so glad I exposed to his work.
I also know that she has caused the Divorce of another married couple, almost caused a 2nd divorce of yet another couple, and now she is working on mine. All married men, at the same work place.

His own cousins, who also work at the same place, tried talking to my H about OW, but H is in such denial.

He believes that people are accepting of it, but hardly nobody is excepting of it. He has to know this, but he is so far in the fog that he don't see it. He is ruining his life, as wells as me and the kids, and for what?

The couselor told me to let him know that I was available and willing for now to work on the marriage with him, but there will come a point where I will not be available any more. When that time comes, it will be the consequences he will have to live with.