As Susan said:



AGREED!!!

Dang it..I bet the "spa" around here doesn't even have MANGO polish....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Look for OPI Cajun Shrimp then! It's kewl, but always sold out here.

NCW

I would much rather have this:



which is your direct & honest unvarnished opinion of me .... and if it's true, it is something useful for me to know... at least to think about

than this:



which is confusing doublespeak & probably dishonest varnishing of your true opinion

give it to me straight, not sweet

give it to me angry if that is what is in your heart & mind ... I can understand and respect honesty

I said this:



and I meant it

to me ... this is the issue being side-stepped & it is most relevant to those trying to MARRIAGE BUILD .... whereas my posting 'style' has never been nor ever will be relevant to MARRIAGE BUILDING:


and THIS is what NO ONE wants to discuss on I'Ville the POTENTIAL risk of becoming overly close to each other

and since Robby did not know if I was serious, I assure HIM and all that, yes, I am serious .... and it's not my imagination, it is a danger.

Attractions happen on I'Ville .... yes they do and they have.

If you did not appreciate my somewhat playful delivery of this info, know this, I said what I said in the way that I said it to PROTECT someone's identity while still managing to convey that there WAS such an event. (past tense as far as I know)

Continued focus on what mean things I've said, or what lousy advice I've given (true or not) have ZERO relevence when it comes to the Idiots puting up appropriate personal boundaries and guarding their hearts from inappropriate attractions.

I have no problemo discussing my many shortcomings, some of which I am personally happy to live with and some I am not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

What I object to is avoidence of discussing the dangers of over-involvement between married people on a MARRIAGE BUILDING BOARD

If you want to join me in THAT discussion and try to problem solve there ~~~~ I welcome you with open mind and a very grateful heart.

Pep

Pep,
I am glad you brought this issue up. As one who had an online affair that began on another forum, I really believe this is a real issue that needs to be discussed.

My online affair began through PM's on another forum. When I first began communicating privately with this man, I wasn't seeking to have an affair. I was seeking help from another person that was willing to be there for me and help me overcome another affair. A bond was established between the two of us, and the attraction began to flourish into a online affair. This can happen on MB as well as other forums.

MB has done well to not allow PM's on their board, but how can MB further prevent the emotional bonds from occurring between opposite sex posters? I have seen a post on this board where the poster made a statement that she has a personal rule to NOT email members of the opposite sex on MB. But, yet later, I witnessed that this very same poster let down her guard to email the opposite sex on MB.

Married men and women must always take personal responsibility about their actions whether the communication is by Internet, telephones, in church, or in work situations. By letting down guards to email privately or chat somewhere else privately is a personal choice. How can MB really prevent that from happening?

""What I object to is avoidence of discussing the dangers of over-involvement between married people on a MARRIAGE BUILDING BOARD""

AMEN, SISTER!!

Pep...

If you want to join me in THAT discussion and try to problem solve there ~~~~ I welcome you with open mind and a very grateful heart.

how does one problem solve to control others....?

Is that the responsiblity of a forum?

those are the questions that jump to my mind when this issue is posed....

I also try to be opened minded.....
but I am strongly attracted to idea of personal onus of responsibility.....

ARK

""What I object to is avoidence of discussing the dangers of over-involvement between married people on a MARRIAGE BUILDING BOARD""

Specially when the members also give THEIR EMAIL ADDRESS!!

Be carefull out there!!

I too, am very aware that affairs start from CHAT ROOMS!! My FWW met OM in a chat room and proceeded to have a three year PA with the low life. I read the threads! The idiots should go back and re-read their posts.

Can any of the idiots say these social threads ARE NOT CHAT ROOMS??

Sorry for yelling, but methinks some idiots protest too much.

Could there be some predators/players on this board?? What a good place to come trolling!

Chat rooms are a very, very sore spot for me!! I am hyper/ultra sensitive to the USE AND DEFENSE of them.

In My Humble Opinion!!

Thanks for listening.

Kirk

OK

a discussion to illuminate a potential pot hole ... is that better?

every day I discuss people's personal habits that put their health at risk ... sometimes the discussion helps, sometimes it does not

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It's a good discussion because it is a very real problem for many, me and my 11 yo daughter included. Not because one of us will end up in an affair, but because she is becomming like me in her use of MSN MSGR with her friends...and I feel major emotional separation from her when she is home, and should be hanging out with me and the cat.

I do it too, here on MB. These emotional attachments are very real and very strong and serve to keep us separate from the people in our life who are right there next to us but don't get to hear our thoughts so much any more because we have already shared them all with our emotional attachments on the board.

We do not need to email each other to have very strong attachments which take away from our real life attachments (especially spouse if we have one).

It's not just to opposite sex friends either.

However, it is up to us to police our own habbits and see where improvements can be made in our real life and the relationships we have in that life.

I thought, for DD and I the timer we used to use was sufficient, but now I think disconnecting the net for the summer is a better idea...

I like this topic, because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Some people can come here and put in their hour or two, and focus mainly on helping others or getting help and some can't. Some use it as an escape to avoid their relationships.

I don't believe that those posting on threads such as Idiotville have the intention to cheat with the other posters. I believe that as they become more comfortable with each other in that type of environment, they let their guard down and will compromise their personal boundaries. Some will email privately with the opposite sex, or they will chat elsewhere. People that are hurting are VERY vulnerable to affairs when they are talking privately to the opposite sex (as we well should know on MB).

Maybe there needs to be a warning made about public display of email addresses?

Esactly Weaver.

What if she was on the computer and a friend knocked on the door, and she told the friend she was busy. Maybe she was talking with someone she met on the internet. What if she would rather do that than spend time with her 3D friends.

Suppose she wants to eat her meals or snacks in front of the computer instead of at the dinner table.

She is avoiding time communicating with you, telling you what is going on with her...what happened that day with her. She's not watching tv with you or playing with her friends.

This happens in marriages too. And I think that THIS is the concern that is being pointed out.

It is up to each individual to weigh it and see if it might apply to them, and to what DEGREE.

Spouses can discuss it with each other.
Parents can discuss it with each other and their children.
Adjustments can be made.

I have been overly involved in the problems of several friends on the internet. My nature is to be the helper and try to help FIX anything I can, even if it means that I'm the bright spot in the day that makes them smile when they are sad. But I discovered that it can suck the life out of me. It can drag me down when I should be HAPPY.

When this happens I am less of a wife to my H. This takes away from him. He deserves a wife that is happy and not one that is enmeshed in the problems of others.

I understand EXACTLY what Pep's concers are because I have DONE it.

I made some big changes.

Pep, if you're talking about who I think you're talking about that had nothing to do with Idiotville at all. There have been no inappropriate friendships formed on Idiotville.

This has all made me think. I feel my fall from grace was taken much worse than if it had happened to someone else, because I have a "high profile" and people obviously had huge expectations of me.

I didn't ask for them to put me on the super duper recovered FWW pedestal. I have feet of clay, I came here as a recovering FWW, I never pretended to be anything else. I've very seldom given advice, I've outlined how I've felt in the same sitch, nothing more.

I've edited because what I said will probably bring the wrath of Khan down on me again and that's not what this thread is about.

No one can possibly know this to be true or not. We can't "know" all that has been taken off the Idiotville thread to somewhere else. I had an online affair that began on another forum (a Christian forum), and NO ONE on the forum knew!

It's OK Kiwi

do not stress about this conversation

it is the PRINCIPLE that needs emphasis

not past history

Thanks for adding to this conversation hunny

edit to add:

I am NOT discussing Kiwi's situation ...

Pep

I so much appreciate you sharing this ... a clear warning from one with experience... it's not something deliberate ... but a gradual slide...

Thanks so much!

Pep

I do know of one Jen, that was formed on MB...that both were members of Iville...Both of their Ws's were moved out and in affairs...

But it's none of my business to discuss on here.

I dont doubt there are none now...or that you are in one, I feel IVille is great actually - but it's a problem with ANY thread here at MB...

BS's think they are immune cause of the fact they were just betrayed...but as vulnerable and upset as Bs's are...it's easy to get attached to those who are offering a friendly ear and advice....even on here...and start to miss those who dont post to you....(of the opposite sex)...and soon it becomes emails...then phone calls....then before you know it - you are the WS...

My husband is a perfect example (albeit NOT with someone on MB)...

Just a caution - that's all...know your boundaries - even being a BS...

then why doesn't some-one start a post about this issue..
this one is a little to clogged with other issues in the begining and people may get lost in those issues....

title it thusly...
and them give the old bump every now and then...

I don't have an issue with people offering 'warnings' and wisdom...
nor do I disagree with that wisdom...

I agree as Dorry just mentioned that ANY post is potentially paved with strife...

Also we need to also use this as a lesson in humility as we speak of BS being in such pain....that they are vulnerable...

then logically there are WS in such pain....that leads to their affair as well....

correct??

ARK

Glad to help. I also wanted to add that the OM (from the forum) was a "high profile" poster that offered great advice to many posters on marriages suffering from infidelity. No one knew of our gradual slide towards infidelity.

ark

it's justfication...

A WS is in pain before in some cases - definately NOT the pain of being betrayed...but like with neglect, a pain that gets hard to live with each day - a dull resentment that grows...and that person gets vulnerable...and all of a sudden there is someone that understands what they are going through and cares....and they start to miss them, miss talking to them, so they talk more and more - an EA is formed...and the natural path after that becomes a PA...and to keep on this path it's full of justifications of the PAIN and NEGLECT the BS caused them....

So a BS comes to MB...in pain from the WS, devestated - a pain that isn't dull and happened over time like the prior...but a pain that is SHARP, intense and came FAST. Here is a forum full of people that UNDERSTAND...opposite sex that understand you - make you feel better...maybe one in particular that you value their advice and support the most - of the opposite sex...one day you want their advice on your spouse and ask them to email you - after all - you wont ever cheat - you could never do what your spouse did to you.

The emails come more and more...then phone calls...all advice, all support, then one day you mention you missed them...or you love how much they care...

AND WHAM - you are in an EA...and you can't save your marriage.

I see the danger of it in almost EVERY thread on here that has regular posters and advice where its borderline not advice anymore....and let me tell you - this is how my affair started - on a forum. This is how my H's affair started, on a forum where he was recovering from MY affair...

BS's and WS's both have to be aware....it's silly picking out Iville as the culprit...this whole forum has the ability....me thinks that's why private messaging has been disabled...the Harley's werent so dumb as to not see the potential for EA's here...