I have been reading alot lately and I don't understand something. I am hoping someone can clear this up.

ARK has been saying thats its OK to talk to your WS about your feelings. Maybe I have been reading wrong, but, isn't that exactly what I am not supposed to do while still in Plan A?

I was reading a different post and he was telling the person that its OK to tell them how much all this (The D) is hurting you and how painful it is. It also seems that its OK to tell them how much they are missing and how you would like things to be different.

Am I missing something here?

I thought in Plan A, I wasn't supposed to do ANY relationship talk at all.

Also, on a side note, my WS seems to recently have taken a great interest in who I am seeing and where I am going.

She is asking alot of questions about what I am doing and if I am dating, have SF, etc...

This seems a little weird to me b/c she was the one who said I could go out and date whoever I wanted.

Is it bad to give the illusion that I am seeing anyone or should I just tell her the truth?

She has seen alot of changes in me in the past couple of months (new clothes, lost weight, happier mindset) and has asked me about the changes.

She seems to think that its brought out by my seeing another women when in fact, I have just been using the methods here....

Do I let her keep thinking it, or do I tell her I am not ????

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

relationship talk....bad...

when are YOU going to fix this
what about US
what are YOU going to do about the mess
How could you

when are you going to work on the marriage
I need to know you are going work on US
I want to KNOW what YOU are going to DO

talking about feelings ...good

It hurts me when you have contact him..It makes me feel so insignificant

It hurts that you want to protect him when you have twisted the role of protecting me

I miss the person you were...the person who believed in honesty and valued such a thing....

plan A

don't express feelings in YOU HURT ME
YOU ARE HORRIBLE FOR DOING THIS etc...

speak of the divorce...

I never wanted to divorce you I wanted to grow together in a comitted relationship and be eachothers soft place to fall...that's what I want/want

ooooh keep her guessing...but be very very evasive...

smile and twinkle your eyes...and say..

I can't date I'm married...

also with her great interest right now....
right now might be the time for plan B

ARK

I'll take a shot at this.

There's a fine line dividing what you should and shouldn't express to your WS in Plan A.

I believe it is proper and necessary to communicate that you are deeply hurt by the WS's actions - calmly and confidently. The WS needs to know this, otherwise in her stupor, she may think you don't mind or don't care.

But don't whine. Don't beg. Don't grovel. Don't act dependent.

The first statement is expressing your heartfelt feelings that result from her behavior. The whining stuff is placing a burden on the WS - one which they obviously carry, but not one they are in a frame of mind to hear about - and making the BS less attractive. OM doesn't do that.

Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are about to say, and how you're about to say it, makes you appealing to the WS or not. No one wants to be around a whiner.

Good.

This is typical - the WS wants it both ways. Wants OM, but doesn't want anyone to have you.

Let her worry, but no dating.

Thanks for the quick replies, I can always count on the great people here..

As for Plan B....

I don't think I can do it and here is why ...

I don't think the OM is in the picture anymore. I think her and him kinda "fizzled out". I don't think she is seeing anyone else either ...

So, would Plan B still be a good thing?

I think she is just kinda waiting and seeing what she wants to do next...

She spends alot of time with her single girlfriend...

They do really go out and hang out in bars or stuff like that. She just seems to spend alot of time at her girlfriends house, sitting around, watching movies, talking, etc...

It can get so confusing sometimes ..

Anyone read minds ????

Are you separated? If so, do you have binding legal division of property, child custody, etc.?

Is your love bank near E?

Have you demonstrated all your Plan A improvements to the extent she'll let you?

Why do you think the affair fizzled?

WAT

Yes, we are seperated. We have been for about 6 months.

No, my bank isn't near E, believe it or not. I am actually doing pretty good with it because I feel like progress is being made: abit, slowly, with baby steps, but, I can do this for a while I think ...

I have shown her in every little way possible without being a "stalker". She didn't seem to notice for a while but all of the sudden she seemed to "wake up" and started asking all sorts of questions about the changes she saw ..

Could she be testing to see if it is going to last?

She always said to me, "When I give in, it works for a while, then you go right back to the same stuff".

I think it fizzled because she doesn't have her "wall" up anymore. She also told me that he went back to his W and she no longer can see him. I just have a feeling. And usually those feelings are correct.

No, we have no legal agreement at all. We haven't talked about it for 4 months. Our non-sgreement has worked out well for the both of us.

No problems there...

She still has alot of stuff in the house that means alot to her. She hasn't asked for it and I haven't offered ...

Is that a good sign ??

And what did his wife say about this to you?

WAT

Never exposed to his wife...

Didn't find this site until after all this occured ...

He was seperated too but went back ....

I tend to believe it ....

Well, now you've got a dilemma.

You think it's over, but you can't be sure. It might even just be on hold. You ought to notify OM's wife - because she deserves to know - and if the affair was really NOT over or on hold, that would be the correct tactical thing to do. But if it really IS over - notifying OM's wife may result in her kicking him out and guess where he'll turn? - but she still deserves to know.

I won't pretend to know the right exposure answer to provide the best hope of salvaging your marriage. But I know the right answer overall - OM's wife ought to be told.

Does he have any children? If yes, squealing to his wife is safer for your marriage - he's less apt to be permanently kicked out.

I suggest you get a session with Steve Harley. I'm not comfortable advising you either on Plan B or on exposure to OM's W - given the prospect the affair may be over and IS over by all your accounts. Perhaps consider hiring a PI and continued snooping to try to confirm the affair status.

Others?

WAT

Now you have me thinking ....

I don't want to snoop because that will just drive me crazy...

Anyone here that can see the furture ????

I just want to know what she is thinking .....

Thats the part that kills me, not knowing what is going on inside that head of hers ....

You mean, what you don't know won't hurt you?

Perhaps you shpuld change your MB name to Ostrich? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, don't stick you head in the sand.

The affair may be over - unless it's not.

Very, very frequently BSs convince themselves it's over only to get slammed again. Maybe even more frequently, WSs DO end it - only to sink back into the cess pool.

I strongly advise that hoping it's over and not snooping is very foolish. But that is a choice for you.

The better choice is to do everything within your capabilities to determine whether it's over and MONITOR if it STAYS over when you think it is.

A good first step is to engage your wife on this. If she claims it's over, ask her to write a no contact letter. You mail it to OM and separately figure out how to get a copy to OM's wife. That'll take care of that exposure.

But if your wife declines to write a NC letter, this doesn't necessarily mean it's not over.

Messy, huh?

Join the club, Pal. I've determined that I don't want to know what went on inside my WS's head. Too wierd. Don't go there. Don't try to figure out what's going on. Re-read rule #1.

"Anyone here that can see the future????"

Well, the future is written all over this site. It is written on maybe 1000 threads. No need to read any tea leaves. Read the threads.

You must know ended but unexposed A's restart at an amazing rate. All it takes is one contact, however innocent seeming at first. A’s go into hiatus all the time. And then they restart. Sometimes slowly, sometimes with a bang. But they restart.

WWs feel privileged to mark time for their married OMs, believe it or not.

WWs lie through their teeth about the status of their A, believe it or not.

The unexposed future holds an LTA and your empty love bank.

The exposed future holds fear, pain, hard work and a chance at recovery.

What she is thinking does not define the future. What YOU DO defines your future.