No I do not want to get divorced. I want to save my marriage. But it is very difficult to stay in Plan A. But I am trying very hard. I am filling out divorce papers just to have them ready at the flip of a hat in case I have to file for divorce to get finances. He says he is coming home the first of July. We are getting along pretty good though. I still love him and want to work it out.

Why is it hard to stay in Plan A? What does Plan A look like to you? What is your goal in Plan A? How does filing out divorce papers to have them ready to file really fast help your Plan A?

I separated finances in Plan A...plotted out how to be prepared for divorce; found out what it would look like financially, child visitation...what the laws were.

We're not attacking you...trying to get your real truth...find out if you're full of resentment, which can get in the way of Plan A...and you create your own resentment...it's about entitlement and deserving...and lack of respect. Do you know the definition of an affair?

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

LA

It is hard to stay in Plan A mode...when he is talking to all these women trying to meet them and so on and me be in the mode to show him how wonderful I am. While he is doing what he is doing. I would think it would be hard for anybody. Plus now he is telling me that we are going on vacation at the end of the month. I am wandering if I should confront him. Not use what to do on that.

A big part of Plan A is truth, MW...have you been speaking your truth? What you know...making "I feel" and "I believe" statements? If you are committed to your own code to be open and honest, without DJ or AOs...calm and owning your truth, then you will speak what you know. Own what you feel and know what you believe.

MW...you are wonderful...try sharing you instead of showing you...this was the difference. Your internal struggle makes it hard...owning your life, your choices; knowing your desire and goals makes it easier.

Because then you are doing this for you...all of it...you aren't betraying yourself.

Are you saying you have not said that you know of his plans? Did he carry them out? Can you state what you know without assumption or mindreading? "I know you are talking sex to women who are not me, your wife. I know you are advertising yourself as what you are not."

Sometimes, when we aren't clear in our minds, we will say, "I know you hate me and want to be rid of me." These are DJs. "I know you want to pretend to be single and just use me as a side wife."

If you could be more open with what you are thinking specifically...what you know...what you want to say, then maybe it won't be a confrontation...it could be stating your truth, accurately and honestly.

What do you think?

LA

well I think I have done some confronting of him anyway. He says were do I come up with these stories. Little does he know that they are not stories. I need to know if I should confront him before he supposely goes on his trip. Or should I keep my mouth shut and see if he goes on vacation with me and my kids and come back home the 1st of July. He says he will not go to counseling. He wants it all his way or the highway. Any advice?

Does any body have any advice from the last post I sent. I can't tell you how many people he is probably having sex with. I think he is also paying for it... I think it is time to call it quits. I dont think he will stop. I have lost all hope.

Maria - what does LovingAnyway's post mean to you?

I am not sure what to think. I just want all this to be done and over with. Just tired of it all. It discust me of what he is doing. I am tired of having all these emotions. Tired of playing his games with him. Tired him telling me he is the boss and he is in control. Its all wearing on me. I dont know if I can play his game anymore.

Maria, you have the divorce papers...why not file them?

This is your life...your choices...he can't make you do anything at all...

You learned a lot...that marriage isn't a game...unless you make it one. That manipulation wears you out because the truth of being human is you can't make anyone do anything, feel anything, believe anything...and they can't do that to you.

He isn't in control of anything but himself.

Were you trying to get him to own what he's doing?

File for divorce...protect yourself and your children.

LA

I want to work things out but he wont admit what he is doing. I have around about way confronted him but he says he is not doing anything. He says he is coming home the 1st of july and we are suppose to go on vacation at the end of the month. Yes I have divorce papers but I dont want to fill them out.

He says he is going on a caneo trip with his buddys. He is missing his daughters bday. I think this is when he is going to see the OW. I am not sure what to do. He is buying all kids of stuff for the caneo trip and purchasing it in front of me. So I dont know what to believe. Is he trying to make it look good or what. What should I do. Any suggestions.

I would file the divorce papers. When he receives them, let him know that you know what is going on.

So why should I file..if I still want to fight for my marriage. Filing for divorce is too final. I am not ready to go there yet.

I would file for separation, if you have it in your state. You need to protect yourself and your family financially.

I agree, I need to set my family financially. But he says he is coming home the 1st of July. Do I assume that is a Lie and expect the worst if he goes out of town. I have put a little bit of money away that will get me by for a few months. I am just totally confused. I just dont know what to do or believe. I need some advice bad.

Who knows what he will do? Please protect yourself financially now. See an attorney and file for child support. My WH spent over $200,000. of our money on the OW. He has NOTHING to show for it.

I understand where you are coming from and I am going to protect my finances. But I am not ready to file for divorce yet and the attorney says that is the only way to get child support and I dont want to file for divorce yet. We are suppose to go on vacation at the end of the month. I have it confirmed that he has switched his vacation and he is only taking two days off this weekend. And his best friend says he is going canoeing with him. So I really dont know what to believe

Well, you can hang in there and watch what happens next. Don't believe what he says. Watch what he DOES.

ok believer, my husband left for his trip and his friend is with him. I asked my husband to have him say hi. He did call his daughter on her bday yesterday and told her happy birthday. My kids left a message with him today..to wish him a happy fathers day. But we went shopping together and got him food and a sleeping bag and a cot and he took a card table and chair...so if he is not canoing he sure is making look good. He took steak and hamburger with him and lots of pop to drink. He came home two days this week directly from work. And he still says he is coming home 1st of July. Do you have an opinion or anymore advice.

It sounds like he may be telling the truth. Stay in Plan A, and try to relax during the time he is gone.

Are you taking good care of yourself?