My husband and I have been working hard on our relationship (for those that remember me- I do mean BOTH of us) for several months now, and I thought doing very well- we even found a way to communicate... Anyway we just got back from a weekend trip to FLorida for our 7th anniversary. Things have been going so well. Then last night we watched the 3 hours of Greys Anatomy that we missed while gone and I have found myself bothered by the episode ever since. Those of you who watch it may understand what I am saying. I am Addison (well minus the cheating doctor part) and I have this constant fear that my husband still has feelings for the woman he cheated on me with. I have nightmares of them hooking up. It seems that everytime I think I am confidant in our relationship I start to second guess everything. Does anyone else get this way- or am I delouding myself in thinking that we are going to be okay? I do not want this to haunt me forever.
Sorry I know I have been gone a long time, and most probably do not know me, and this post may not of made any since what so ever, but I needed to write it.
THanks for listening (or um reading <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

HI KMEJ! I remember you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Not that I've been there... but you guys are still pretty early in recovery. You can't flip a switch and forget everything. Is he taking steps to make you feel safe? Do you feel safe? Are you in counseling? Is he being open and transparent?

Trust needs to be re-earned, every good interaction you have, every time he follows through on a promise brings you a step closer. Conversely every time he doesn't follow through on something the red flags start waving.

BTW...Happy Anniversary! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Glad to see you are doing better. What do you think made your husband turn around?

KMEJ,

Good to see you again...

Would you consider that this image of them starting up again, is the embodiment of your fear? That image symbolizes your fear in a scenario, an action...like you can walk it, know its length and size, contour and shape?

I got addicted to that fear...it became where I could put all my fears...about everything...in that one body, that one scene...and I used it a lot, until it used me.

Half is earning trust and the other half is giving it. Giving it again is truly fear-filled.

LA

KMEJ - I have not read your sitch, but I saw the episode you were writing about.

I was also dissappointed with the ending, because, you know, you want to see characters you like do the right thing.

But I was also not dissappointed because, it played out exactly as the MB principles suggests. Addison agreed to daily contact with OP. The show depicted what will happen if you allow contact. So, unless you are allowing contact between your FWS and OP, you are not Addison.

The fear that FWS is pining away for OP is real hard to deal with. I have felt it too, and I don't really have a good answer. For me, the best I can do is to try to think about it like I did when I was dating. Before I got married, I dated a few people. Most of them I parted with on good terms. Early after I broke up with them, I pined a little. But over time, it faded away. Now, I occassionally fondly remember those people, but it is not pining for them.

What makes that fading happen? No contact with them and being happy where I am. Basically, the tenants or desired outputs of recovery.

Finally, can you talk to your FWS about your concerns. I think the root of all pining is the "what if I had not returned to my M?" Some FWS, may think things would have all been rosy if they had stayed with OP. Discuss this, how to break down the fantasy of the A and create a real M that delievers happiness for both spouses.

Like I said, I haven't read your sitch so maybe I'm way off base. Just trying to help.

KMEJ...we "signed up" here around the same time...same day to be exact...

My now W and I watched teh show and she brought the topic up to me...(you have been away for some time read MY story...and see why it applies)regarding my xgf and any desire I might have...and as I tried to console her that I was more than happy with her I told her this:

That show is a perfect example of why there should be NO CONTACT. These people work together and clearly have feelings for each other and that is my take on it. She then asked me if I had any concerns (she still works with someone she had a PA with AFTER our D, again see my story)...and I said yes....I do...but I am not blind nor do I have blind faith trust in anyone....and she has learned to not take it personal...

Does it make sense? It did to me....

kmej..

it is very good to 'see' you...

arkie

my H an I have been doing better. H is really trying. We still have our issues, but as sad as this sounds when we need to "talk" we go into other rooms- he on the laptop me on the regular computer and we "argue" via MSN. SO neither one of us get cut off and we can say what is on our mind. I know it is not the best but it is a start, and it has helped us have better real conversations when not on the computer.
The episode is what is my worse fear. H has ended any and all contact with the OP, he no longer works in the same company as her. He tells me everything he is doing and trys to include me in his activities. We are still working on him not ignoreing me when he gets mad, but I have also let a lot of the insecurity go in that area, where I know he is just trying to get sometime alone. I wish he would just say that then ignore me, but at least I understand. H was laid off of several months when he was between jobs and that helped him repair his relationship with both me (when I was not at working) and the kids (especially the oldest). I will try to write more later to update better, and read up on others. Right now I am behind at work... but will be back. Thanks for the support and remembering me.

Is this a new sig line KMEJ? Is this how it feels?

Thank you for this update, and I hope you get the help you are looking for.

As ARK said it is very good to see you, and with such a positive update too. Way different than before, no?

Thanks for reminding me to update my signature line! No I no longer feel that way- well most of the time at least. Another good example that I am doing better is today H is pretty crabby, but instead of feeding into his behavior and making things worse, I just calmly point out that his mood is self inflected (staying up until 5am with kids) and that the rest of us need not suffer for it. He gave me this look and then started to argue this or that and then stopped when I was not particapateing or responding. I am not going to lie and say everything is great, but we are indeed making progress. I think the turning point for us was when I was put in the hospital for a week due to many things, and also from his being laid off, we both started to appreciate eachother alot more.
Oh and the three tornadoes are doing great!!!!

That's wonderful news KMEJ, well not the hospital and layed off part, but miracles happen in mysterious ways!

From what I gather recovery, both marital and individual, as well as change is a process.

So keep doing more of what works, and less of what doesn't!

K!!! "member me? Im glad to see your doing better! I have to go to work now, but we need to catch up sometime!