This is my first time seeing this site and I just could not resist asking for your help so here goes...

Me an my wife have been married for 4 years now. We have two boys ages 5 and 7. Before we got married we had an apartment with my brother. I found out a week before our first scheduled wedding that they had been sleeping together. We called off the wedding and seperated for about a month.

We got back together and eventually got married 18 months later. All was well for awhile then I started playing video games. When I say "playing" I mean seriously addicted. When I look back at it now I see how much I neglected her and the rest of my family. Anyway, she surrounded herself with a group of friends which included one of my cousins (also a female). Hank and Mike were my cousins "friends". I believe my cousin slept with both of them.

Our marriage went from good to bad then. We seperated over something stupid and she ended up at the bar with my best friend which ruined mine and his relationship totally. She told me that she just kissed him and thats all that happened.

We worked through this and our marriage again got better. She even went so far to prove herself to me she clued me in on my brother making another attempt at her. Don;t worry that was the end of that trust me. I went to the tannig salon with her and hid in her car so I could catch him waiting for her outside. We havent had a problem with him since.

About a year and a half ago, I started getting into another video game big time. This was by far the worst I had ever been addicted and it was normal for me to spend 18-24 hours a day playing it. Literally from the time I woke up til I went to bed and I didn't usually get much sleep.

My job also required me to be out of town most of last year. Approximately 7 months ago my wife met some guy at the bar up north when whe was with her mother and a friend. I don't know how far exactly my wife went with this guy but it sounds like she just met him that night and then continued e-mailing him for about a month. The way I found out is I checked her "sent" folder in e-mail and there they were. Still there as a matter of fact.
At the same time she was hanging out with Mike my cousins friend an awful lot. I had told her that her seeing Mike so often was causing problems for me so she promised to never talk to him again. 2 Days later when I went out of town my wife took him up to the bar my cousin worked at and my cousin called me and told me they were together. We worked through that pretty easy after she convinced me nothing happened and she was only looking for a friend. She stopped talking to Mike but continued to talk to Hank. My cousin had told me that my wife told her that she wanted to sleep with Hank. When I confronted my wife she just said thats redicilous.


In February my wife started up a myspace and it was a whistle blower for me. I gained access to her account and when I logged in I found out she had been having e-mail contact with a oouple different guys. One of them she even got his phone number. I got really mad and she just basically told me our marriage had been over for awhile and I agreed. She took the kids and went to her Mothers house.

After a couple days away from her and my kids I couldn't take it anymore and I asked her to come home and let me make dinner for her and talk. We worked things out and basically agreed to both contribute 150% and make it work. So this puts us about 2 months ago.

One of the things I told her that she had to do is stop talking to Hank. At first she didn't comply. She finally did stop talking to him about 5 weeks ago after slipping up and admitting that she had kissed Hank a really long time ago. She swears up and own that nothing else eer happened.

Ever since we got back together two months ago she has been really distant from me. I can see she is trying to make our marriage work but it just seems to me that she doesn't care about me. She isn't interested in the least bit in sex with me and we have never had any problem whatsoever sexually up to this point.

How do I deal with this? I have done so many things to try and fix my marriage. The video game is gone, I help out around the house a ton more, and try to treat her the best I can at all times.

I feel as if she doesn't want me and is only with me because it is better for the kids. I feel as if she loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I don't know how much more I can take.

Please any help would be greatly apreciated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Domaru,

Welcome to MB. Don't try to reason or teach a WS anything. They can't learn....they have no mind.

Ok, here's a list of what t/d.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the EN questionnaire
3. Read Surviving an Affair & His Needs/Her Needs (both are by Dr. Harley). If things get rough, check out Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. It is vital you read.

4. Secure your finances
5. Create a support group (doesn't have t/b all people), just whatever gives you strength (as long as it is legal ) .

6. Call Jennifer C for some MB phone counseling and getting a recovery plan in place. 1st recovery 4 u then if he is willing for your M.

7. Don't force your children to spend time with a Ws. They deserves her dad not a WS.

8. Identify your boundaries. Implement them.

9. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

10. Do a background check on the OP and expose as needed. Make sure your reasons are legit.

Don't rush....take time to learn about plans A & B. It will help you recover faster..... remember u need to recover 1st.

take care,
L.

Domaru- listen to Orchid, great great advice! you are going to have bad days, it's just a matter of time. Keep in mind how a baby learns to crawl and then walk, it's just like that! take it day by day! Always put on a happy face and work on you! Remember why you fell in love with her in the first place and use that to your advantage! Remember what made her laugh, cry, the happier times in your M, remind her of that, try to recreate those feelings! Remember day by day, step by little step!

Domaru,

How are u doing?

L

Not very good actually.

I feel me and the wife have hit absolute rock bottom.

I arranged for a babysitter to give me and the wife an evening alone. I got tired of sitting on the opposite end of the couch as her and asked her what I did that made her so unhappy. No reply. Then I asked why she didn't care about me anymore. No reply. I asked her if she wanted a divorce. I saw a slight nod of her head like she had an incredibly large thought "yes" but she didn't answer. Then I asked to hear what was on her mind. She proceeded to tell me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. She told me that she was planning on living with me for 3 more weeks until school was out and then moving in with her mother. She told me she couldn't sit here and pretend to love me anymore.

She then went upstairs, grabbed a change of clothes and left for her mothers house.

All I can do is sit here and cry. I don't believe she cares about me at all. Some of the looks she gives me express hate and resentment.

I know I love her more than anything in the world and she is the only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

What point do I have to simply draw the line? At what point do I realize she will never love me again?

U r asking questions, a WS can't answer. It frutrates you because you need answers from your W but your W isn't around. Can you see this?

Now instead of getting hurt by talking to a WS, howz about you go find one of your support people close by and go spend some time with them, to keep you from talking to the WS.

Remember you can't reason with a WS.

L.

Are you suggesting Plan B or are you suggesting total divorce?

I recommended you do some homework and find out your options. Please go back and read the recommendations of what to read and how to protect yourself. In it you will find that doing a good plan A prepares you for plan B which c/b executed if the WS is still a WS when you are done with your plan A.

A more simple note: Plan A your wife but plan B the WS.

You gotta have a plan. Other's can't make your decisions 4 u.

L.