My wife filed for divorce in March and we go to court on June 8th. We have 2 sons 3, and 9. She thinks the kids will be fine...however she is hardly around to notice.
I suspect she is involved with someone else and I told her I could forgive her and move past it...she continues to remain in denial and says she has no feelings for me and is completely done with our 10 year marriage.
I would do anything to reconcile and start over. She wants nothing to do with that. I have recently rededicated my life back to Christ and he is helping me get thru. I pray everyday for a second chance with her.
I continue to have days were I cannot stop crying and feel so much pain and I can't seem to let go.
Should I resort to plan B and cut myself off from her except things involving the kids?
How do I let go?? Or should I?
Yesterday I called the OM, he is a co worker and he confirmed ther personal relationship outside of work and said they were merely close friends.I also exposed the affair to her family and mine. Both OM and her say that they are just good friends and I responded to both individually saying that friends do not talk everyday and night on their cell phones and text message each good night and hide the fact that they are talking unless something is wrong or inappropriate.
She was very upset that I told her family that she has been talking to OM and that I felt she was using this a crutch to rush through this divorce. She confronted me about it and said she was disgusted with me.
Everytime she talks to me she has to say I'm done with you, I have no feelings for you...she does this repeatedly. And she was doing this again last night...finally I broked down and asked her who are you trying to convince.
I'm not sure were to go from here...I guess I just have to let go. Is there anything else I can do?
Her mother called her yesterday and told her that based on her actions over the last 90 days that she should give the boys to me full time until she figures out what is going on in her life. My STBX is in such denial that they are just friends and he isn't the reason for her leaving me.
However, how do you explain the fact that 2 weeks prior to her saying she wanted a divorce that are sex life was great and she was so excited about our up coming 10th anniversery in May. She also told my brother that she loved me so much and hoped that the trip we were going on would rekindle our relationship...than 2 weeks later she wants a divorce, runs out and gets her own cell phone to hide who she is talking to.
I would do anything to save this marriage not only for me but our 2 boys who have no say in this matter.

Please help...and advice I can get would be great!

See my response on your other thread.

WAT

btrayd,

I think it's too soon for Plan B. Give exposure some time to do what it can do. What about the OM? Is he married? If so, have you spoken to his wife? The other thing that you must try very hard to do is to get control of your emotions. If you want to be attractive to your wife....you can't be needy, clinging or pleading for her to come back. Get a copy of "Surviving and Affair" and call the Harleys.

(((((((((((((((((((((btrayd))))))))))))))))))))

*fishy - see his other thread and my response there. Your take will be valuable.

WAT

The OM is divorced. So I should continue plan A.

How do you know the OM is divorced?

He told me.

He also told you he's "just friends" with your wife.

He may very well be divorced. He may also very well be married, separated, or thinking of getting divorced.

We've heard stranger stories.

I'm not necessarily recommending you look up his divorce at the courthouse, just consider that he might be lying - to both you and your wife.

WAT

You are right.

Can you give me some advice on how to continue?

I assume you mean about determining whether OM is married.

What do you think? Are there indications that he's not married? Do you know anybody who knows of him that you could ask - other than your wife, of course. Do you know where he lives? - does it look like anybody else lives there? Any flowers in the yard? (I'll say most single/divorced OM's don't have gardens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

Then there's always the courthouse. Ask you attorney to find out.

WAT

No I mean advice on how to continue...this site has really helped me with this sitch. I just want more advice on how to continue with her...I have exposed the A and have already see how the exposure is effecting her.

Find out if OM is really divorced. If not, you got more exposure to do.

In the near term, see how her emotions continue to react to the exposure. Describe it here.

Her Mom's admonition is a HUGE help to you. Stay in contact with her Mom and make sure she knows your goals. Get her Mom a copy of SAA.

Keep posting specific questions as you go.

Of course, if you can afford counseling with an MB counselor, it's well worth the $$, IMHO.

Read other stories here. Just about everything you can learn is applicable to you.

WAT

She told me she wanted me to stop talking to her mom and sister. She said that I am turning them against her. I have no such intensions I am only doing what I can to save the marraige and keep everyone infprmed because there are 2 children involved who have no choice in the matter.
I think tonight I will tell her exactly what you said I am here for you if you need to talk but I am not goping to apologize for exposing her A.
She is really worried now that I might take full custody because of what her mom said to her. Do you think the exposure and her breakdown becuase of it the past few days is a good sign?

Straight from the script.

Of course she wants you to stop talking to them!! Duh!!

Glad you didn't fall for it.

Validate hre pain and make your self available, but don't say, "I am not going to apologize for exposing your A."

Don't say that. Just don't apologize. Saying, "I am not going to apologize for exposing your A" will be a huge love buster. It's rubbing her nose in it.

If she starts ranting and raving about what you told her Mom, the very best response from you is none. Just listen intently. The next very best response is, "I understand that you're upset" - said calmly and sincerely.

A really good universal response to any rancid spew you might hear is "I understand your concern." Again, calmly, sincerely, and softly.

Do not let her lure you into an argument.

Let her worry.

DO NOT say you wouldn't do that - take full custody. Let her worry. Be the very best dad you can be - making her think you're getting ready for full cistody.

But never, never, never threaten to take full custody, thereby using the children as pawns. Let her think you might, but don't threaten this.

Your mantra: I'd prefer our family stay intact. Keeping the family together is the very best outcome for all concerned.


Absolutely!!

To capitalize on this development you have to act as we've described - be compassionate. Be her lighthouse. Be a model Dad. Be available. Just don't pick her up. Lend a hand, but don't lift.

Got it?

WAT

I got it...it just becomes difficult when I know she is still leaning on OM for support...not me.

Leaning on OM is not such a bad thing.

As soon as the novelty wears thin, he may not be a good lamp post.

This is why you have to be strong, available, and approachable. You have to paint the picture of reliability. Be yourself and be a good Dad and this should come natural. OM's a temporary lamp post. You're a light house.

WAT

Thanks...that helps

I do have to tell that the other night when she found out I exposed her relationship with OM...she was furious and I apologized for making her mad...she wanted me to call her mom back and make it right...I don't unerstand what I could make right?
She called me this morning to ask if I called her mom, and I said no. I was thinking...why should I call back...I did nothing wrong. Her mom and sister needed to know what was going on and the real reason she is pushing this divorce through so quickly.
I only have a few more days with her in the same house...she is planning to move out over the weekend...So I feel like time is valuable right now.
The last few days I have just been going about my business and only talking to her when she speaks to me...I am letting her instigate the conversations. She asked me if I was going to take the kids away yetsrday...I just told her I didn't really want to talk about it at the moment and I went about doing house chores and spending time with my boys.
You think I should imply without saying it that I may attempt to get full custody...that will crush her even more...I hate seeing her hurt like that. But if this is what it may take to clear the fog and get her to think more clear than I guess it will be worth it.

Does anyone have anymore advise for me?