My H yesterday in therapy said he wanted a divorce. At the end of the therapy session the therapist told him Ok you want a divorce, the she will not be there emotionally she will not be there for you at all, do not except anything from her.

You need to understand he is really controlling and unhappy and he blames me for all his unhappiness. He called last night and left a message about is I loved him and spent as much time with him as I did with my friends then it would have worked. My H has been back and forth and back and forth. I am just tired and worn out.

He keeps calling and calling. He talked to me last night and blamed me for keeping the children from him. He called at 3:45 and wanted to see the children I said I was out and would call when I get home. We got home late. So he said oh this is you new thing - it was more important to spend time with your friends than for the children to spend time with Daddy.

I am just so tired of this.

D, how old are your children? Could you have put them on the phone? I’m all for making sure children get to spend time with their father. On the other hand, there needs to be adequate amounts of time to make plans. 2 hours is not quite enough.

Do you have a visitation schedule set up? If not, you should. Even if it is a “temporary” measure, it will help stop the accusations that you are keeping the children away from him.

Yes we have a visitation schedule set up - he just never sticks to it and when I say something he repsonds with you are keeping me from my children and I am going to fight you for custody. I am just tired of all the threats and all the drama.

He just feels like if he wants to see the children then I should drop everything and accomodate him.

I mean I really did not want this and did everything in my power to avoid it coming to this. I think he want to control me and the children for some reason.

My children are 2 and 6. I can put them on the phone, but to be honest sometimes children just do not feel like talking and I do not feel I should have to force the child to speak to their father. I mean children are people too and they should feel free to say yes or maybe later - I least that is how I feel.

I am sorry I am just so tired of dealing with him, I know I have to because he is their father, but he is so up and down, When he is feeling lonely then he wants to have contact with the children. When/If he has something to do then the children are not even factored into the equation at all.

Thanks.

Oh, you have my x.
Did you read the book "the verbally abusive relationship"? If not, I highly suggest it. it deals with emotional abuse, and he's using it on you. The book gives ways on how to counter this including: "Stop it".
There is no explaining to this man that you are not keeping the children from him. He will believe what he believes.
The book helps you understand that your reality is different from his reality. (quite a new concept for some of us).
It likely won't get better, even after divorce. I'm so tired of all the verbal attacks. Telling the kids he wants more time, and not taking his time. The kids know, they get it. It just takes us adults longer to get.

Are you attending a seperated/divorce support group? Find one, they can be helpful. Also, there is a group for kids called Rainbows. www.rainbows.org to help them deal.

Good luck.

Deannek,

Just say “No.” Has your lawyer looked at the visitation agreement? If so, simply tell your STBX “No. This is my time with the children and I have plans.” Recognize his threats and accusations for what they are: attempts to control you and/or get his own way.

If you can, take a step back from the situation and watch what happens when you refuse to play his game. If he gets nasty, simply say “I won’t be talked to like that.” And hang up. If it’s something that you two do need to discuss, then you can say “I’m willing to discuss this adult to adult. Call me when you can do that.” Then, hang up.

From what I hear, it takes several hang ups, and several of these conversations, before they figure out the old techniques aren’t working and decide to play be the rules.

Also, keep your mind working. His reality may be entirely different from yours, but you know yours. Don’t second guess yourself or decide you are the crazy one.

Unless your ex is dangerous to the children (and then why does he have any unsupervised parenting time, remember he is a parent, not a visitor) I wouldn't just tell him no, I would say that you need notice to devate from the parenting plan.

So if he calls two weeks in advance and says the kids paternal grandparents are coming into town, or he has baseball tickets, or whatever, and wants to take the kids, and it doesn't impact what you or they are already doing, then let him have the kids.

Yeah, if he calls at 3:35 wanting to get the kids in 15 minutes, that's a no-go. But to say no, with two weeks notice, just because it's your time is a little selfish in my not so humble opinion.

Personally, just because he wants a divorce is no reason to keep the kids from him.

PS, just because you "feel" a certain way, like he is trying to control you, doesn't mean that's his perspective at all. Just like he states he "feels" you are trying to keep his kids from him, doesn't make it true.

So I suggest you stop relying on feelings, and simply work on a schedule that you both can agree upon. Start at 50/50 time and then let him give away time. They are his kids too, so why not give him two week nights and EOW, Friday night until Monday morning?