Hi, I have gotten some great advise from alot of you so far (thanks WAT, ML). I would like to update you on my situation and hopefully get some feedback/directuin:

WS had/is having an EA with ex-friend/neighbour. Started 11/05 found out after 2 weeks. False re-building up til Feb 06. Realized there is still some contact (phone confirmed) up until at least early May. As of last night WS insists no sex with OM at all and no contact since early May (she called him). We still hug now and again but she has cut-off sex since end of March.

She says she is not sure we are made for each other and questions whether we should have gotten married in the first place. Our major marital issue was her not beleiving I am 'In Love' with her, or 'Crazy' about her. Always comparing us to other apparently happy couples.

Have been in serious Plan A since Feb (half-assed Plan A prior, I was still in denial).
Told her parents this week, they are very supportive of me but told me to hold off telling her they are aware. Her father advised to put in writing my expectations (no contact letter, continue counselling, move to another area away from OM), and give her a date to decide which way she is going (she's cake-eating right now). He advised to detail what the reality of the situation will be if she decides to go with the OM (custody, finances, selling the home etc).

I followed his adivce and gave her the letter (essentially a Plan B letter), she has until tomorrow to decide. WAT, I know you are rolling your eyes right now.

Spoke to her a bit last night, she is upset but still undecided. She says she is feeling pressured.

Spoke to her parents this AM, they adivsed that if she is still undecided tomorrow night, reveal exposure to them before initiating Plan B.

I know I havn't played by all the rules here, is this mess salvagable?

BTW, the A has been exposed to everyone else except my parents.

Advice?

What's her relationship with your parents?

Ask your in-laws to contact her and read her the riot act. Today. Until they do, there is no "exposure" to them. Exposure doesn't happen until the WS knows about it. They are being affair enablers. Tell them I said so. They may as well be taking her and OM under their roof. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Let us see the letter you gave her. Sounds like a bunch of ultimatums.

Plan B isn't available to you until one of you moves out - and it better not be you. How are you gonna get her to move out?


Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Straight from the script. Classic foglatin. Revisionist history.


No, No, No! THEY CALL HER AND BE HER PARENTS!!!! TODAY!!

OK, phoenix. Why are you posting here if you're just gonna follow her parents' advice?

Can you tell I'm pissed at you???

WAT

You are right of course. I will speak to them this aft and get them to call her ASAP. She has no patience for her mom but is still close to her, she knows her dad will come down hard on her. She does not want to face this.

BTW, I looked into Ontario family law and there is no option for me to forcibly kick her out. When it gets to that point I will push for her to leave.

Here is the letter I gave her (some of this may sound familiar):


Dear WS,

I love you and I want to remain married to you. However, I cannot be a part of your life while you are still involved with OM. Unless you can assure me by Friday that you are 100% committed to repairing our relationship I intend to move in with my parents this weekend.

To get this assurance, I would like you to do the following:

1. Write a no-contact email to OM, copying OMS and me. No contact means you will not ever again speak to OM and he will no longer speak to you. It also means that will need to move to another area.

2. Continue both marital and individual counselling.

3. Respect and understand that the last 7 months have been extremely difficult for me. I have yet to begin healing from your betrayal. I need re-assurance that you love me and still wish to be my wife in more than just name only.

If you cannot commit to repairing our relationship then there is nothing more I can do to resolve what is going on.

If I move into my parent’s house, please do not contact me except for matters concerning the kids or an emergency. You may do this through email or by leaving a message on my work phone. I will continue to pick up the kids after work. You can pick them up at my parent’s house when you get home from work. I will continue to have full access to the kids. In order to provide them with some sort of structure we will alternate weekends. However when I wish to be with them on a date other than my weekend I will advise you via email giving sufficient notice. The kids can contact me or come visit me whenever they want to.

This will not be a ‘trial separation’ and I am not giving you permission to invite OM further into your life.

OM is not to set foot on my property or interact with my children. You must put the needs of DD and DD above your own. Please take this seriously, I feel very strongly about this and I will be keeping a close eye on my children and their behaviour.

This action is by no means to be interpreted by you or anyone that have given up on our marriage. Although we were still living together, it was you who left our relationship months ago.

If you can assure me that OM is out of your life and you are committed to us, I would be open to resuming contact with you again and giving our marriage a chance, but until that time please respect my wishes.

I am sorry it has come to this, but I can no longer accommodate and enable your ongoing affair with OM.

Love,

Phoenix


WAT, I know you are pissed, esp about me moving out. I will be able to keep an eye on the house as because my parents live 2 minutes away and my bro live directly behind us. I know you think this is bulls**t but I don't see another way about it.

Oh well. Play the role, pay the toll.

The "another way about it" is to stay in your castle. Don't retreat.

Why not? Because you asked? What are you gonna do when he does? Send her another letter?

WAT

This could work, but do you think you implemented Plan A long enough for her to see that you can meet her needs? If you think that she has had some glimpses through the fog, then perhaps it is time, but why must YOU move out? Maybe you should bluff and see if she will. But remember, Plan B before Plan A has a chance to take effect might make it take longer for her to come around. And then again, maybe not. Certainly not everyone followed the plans to perfection, I know I did not. I should have gotten tougher earlier.

I don't know enough about what you have done to work WITH her on NC. Did you read Surviving An Affair? Take a look and see if it might be too early for this. Even if she agrees to NC now and your "demands" it doesn't mean that she will follow through. Each commitment from her can be a step forward, but you have to work together for the best result.

BTW just about every WS rewrites history and questions the "rightness" of their M while justifying their A.

Who is this OM? Is he married? Have you exposed the affair on his side?

I like most of your plan, phoenix, except the part about moving out. That would be a HUGE MISTAKE. Not only would you just ENABLING the affair [the OM can come over and take your place] but many courts view this as abandonment.

If you move out, you will just be giving her exactly what she wants: the freedom to carry on her affair unimpeded. Why would you want to do that?

Instead I would work on exposing this affair first, then ending contact and THEN getting her to move out without the kids. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions in order to feel any pressure.

Agree with what WAT said about exposing to her parents. It is entirely USELESS and misses the point unless she KNOWS she has been busted.

Who else can you expose to?

Expose to the children too, as Dr. Harley recommends. They need to know.

Do everything you can to stay in that home with your children, pardner. You may not be able to force your wife out, but she may not know that. Additionally, if you "freeze" her out, she may leave of her own accord.