I found out the other day that my H is indeed having a PA. Everyone said he was, I was stupid to believe that they were "only friends".

Anyway, I read some emails of his to OW, that were sexually graphic, and now I just can't get those thoughts of them having sex together out of my mind. It is ALL I think about. I wake up and go to bed with a pit in my stomach.

I'm on AD's and anti anxiety meds. Everyone says it will take time. I'm afaid I can't wait anymore. I'm a wreck!

Time is what it takes. When you think of it, try to change the thought, but I'll admit thatdidn't work great for me. Almost 11 months out it things are getting so much better about that.

hang in there

Thanks. I really try to think of other things, vacations, good times, good memories, but it seems like whatever I think of, WH is involved. I try and keep busy too, but these last few days I have no energy. Losing weight by the boatload! At least something good is coming from this nighhmare!!!

It is so hard and I am so resentful of him putting me and the kids through this.

I. too, obsessed over every detail. Like moveforward said, time is what you need. You'll go through so many emotions. One minute you'll love him, the next you'll want to punch him in the nuts. One minute you'll feel indifferent, the next you'll be a puddle of tears. And the anger comes and goes, too. Anger at your H. Anger at the OW. It's all normal.

It's been 1 year since I found out about my H affair. I can tell you it does get better. I'm in a much better place then I was 1 year ago. Take care of yourself. Keep eating. Keep exercising. Keep your kids close.

Be patient. You'll be on the rollercoaster for a long time honey.

Honestly, I still obsess now and then. Sometimes it is just in the back of my mind, fairly easy to ignore and deal with. Other times it comes to the surface and won't recede. I still have not really learned to deal with it.

Have you begun the path to recovery? Like exposure?

Sorry if you have already outlined it elsewhere...

far

Most of us experience this. One thing that helped me: as a negative thought surfaced in my mind I would freeze frame it and stare it down...so to speak....until it lost it's power and would discipate.

It does take time as the others have said.

You might try downloading and listening to 'Be Still and Know' here (it is free):

Be Still and Know

This can help to quiet the mind and get more centered.

Have you made a plan, worked on exposure, decided what your next steps will be to work at ending the affair and build a better marriage with your husband?

Thanks! Somedays I honestly don't think I wamt to save the M. Just looking at him and knowing what they did, and how many times he lied to my face, actually makes me physically ill. I don't know how to get past that and if I ever will.

Believe me when I say I felt the same way. I lost 10 lbs in under 2 weeks, was nauseous, couldn't sleep. I felt like I would curl up and die. I didn't want to die, so I went to the doctor and got on AD's. They just took the edge off but I was still pretty miserable for a while yet. I had a problem eating for several months.

Only you can decide whether or not you want to fight to save your marriage. Many people can't get passed the hurt and anger. It is up to you.

I will say that our marriage is better today than it was pre-A. We have learned the concepts that Dr. Willard Harley teaches and have applied them. It is possible to recover from the pain of infidelity, whichever way you choose to go.

I believe it is worth the effort, especially because you have children together. No one can take the place as the father of your kids.

I am glad we made it through it.

It is still very fresh for you. Read all you can on this site and the books that have already been recommended to you. This is how you take the steps on the path toward a possible recovery. You will probably never have blind trust in your H again. Harley thinks it is unwise to trust our spouses 100% anyway. We are all capable of having an A. We need to learn how to not let that happen. Your H will need to learn why he allowed himself to have an A. I don't believe that they just happen and many a WS tries to assert.

Do you want a better marriage than you had? Do you want more intimacy? The recipe is here for the taking.

I needed to write a little more and thought about your question over night. For the past year I've been struggling with obsessive thoughts. I didn't have an obsessive type personality until this major stressor forced it's way into my life.

My counselor likened it to a neuron gone haywire. My little neurons were all at peace with the world until my world came crashing down on itself. Due to the stress, one neuron was knocked off kilter...and has led me to obsess nonstop.

She told me to try a few things. First, allow only a certain amount of time for obsessing each day. Say 10 minutes. Obsess all you want for 10 minutes a day and then be done with it. Setting aside a time will help you confine it...and control it.

Another idea. Imagine a huge stop sign every time you start to obsess. Stop your thoughts dead in their tracks and try to think about something else.

It's easier said then done and you have to want to stop obsessing. It's kind of like losing weight...you have to want to do it for you before you'll actually take the steps to lose the weight. It took me awhile before I wanted to stop obsessing. I finally realized I was hurting myself more then helping myself. I realized I wasn't taking very good care of myself. My H's affair had already treated my like crap...why was I also treating myself like crap?

Time will help, too. Remember, obsessing means you're not taking care of yourself...or not focusing on yourself and your needs enough.

Hang in there sweetie.