I've always been quick to note that I'm currently a BS, but that in a galaxy far, far away, I was once the moronic OW. I just realized I was also an unsupportive WS family member, when my BIL was cheating on his wife. I didn't really like his wife, and I thought it was a good thing when they separated.

A few months into the separation, his W called me and "exposed" a long-term A that my BIL was having. (He later divorced and moved in with the OW, and continued that R for another 4 years before the OW cheated on him.) I didn't support the SIL or even come down on my BIL, simply b/c I didn't like her. Now, I see that as another act I regret, now that I've found MB.

I plan to teach my children and grandchildren (when I get the chance) that it is:
1. NOT ok to have an A
2. NOT ok to be the OP
3. NOT ok to be supportive of a WS, even if he is your own brother or best friend.

We need to fight this erosion of morality on all fronts. Agree?

You are bang on.

the best thing you can do for your brother or best friend is do the right thing....they may hate you now - but you are doing the best thing you can for a loved one by doing the right thing - exposing and telling their spouse and then giving them the direction they need to seek out a place like MB, or councelling.

Remind them if they want to leave their spouses - to atleast get to a healthy state and give it a try first - before they walk away - then they can walk away with respect...

Funny how once your life has personally been effected by infidelity how you redefine support in your relationships and friendships...

I'm a BS right now.

I am also disgusted to admit that when I was VERY young and even more stupid I was a ONS OP. I can't tell you how much and how long I've regretted that. I've never been one to put much stock in Karma, but I always thought this might come around to bite me on the butt some day .... funny how that worked out.

I'm also the daughter of a serial cheater who still lived at home and was married to my mother for 25 years. I didn't know about the cheating then, but as an adult, found out that apparently I have at least 3 OC siblings, who none of us (including dad) have ever met, but I've learned about just recently from old letters that he kept. He's a mess and we don't have much of a relationship at all. I don't know that I'd say I was supportive of him, but I also never informed any of his wives/girlfriends that he was cheating or gave *them* any support, either. They all started out as affairs, so I guess I figured they'd know better....?

Oh, and I'm not sure if this counts or not, but my H's exW is a serial cheater. We never hear from her, even though our two kids are biologically hers (she hasn't bothered to see them in years). But we do regularly get phone calls from her latest ex's, who for some reason feel the need to report to us on her activites. It's sad, really, and a horrible example for the kids (who for some reason idolize her -- it's easy to be the perfect mom when you're a fantasy).


I wonder sometimes how to teach our kids that it's not ok. Not ok to cheat, support a cheater, or be the OP. I can tell them and tell them and tell them until I'm blue in the face, but I don't think people truly realize the devestation it causes until they are thrown into it. We talk to them all the time about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and smoking ... but have never directly addressed infidelity. The schools don't pass out handly little pamphlets for that one!

No doubt, and as for the role I played in the infidelity nightmare, I was a single OP but didn't know it for eight months...after he divorced I lived with him and was engaged for a few years...

Then he stole from me, and moved on to his next infatuation.

Married three times (I think, cuz he lies) and me never married, still.

It has changed my life in ways too profound to even try to explain, and also has influenced most of my decisions since.

And believe me, that is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

I am the BS.

My father is a serial cheater. My H is the OC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My sister heard or 'knew" about my H second A. She never told me nor anyone who knew or might be just suspecting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> That really hurts.
As for my sister she only told me on a harsh way, excusing herself for their betrayal (long story) on our family " We didn't spent last Xmas at your house as planed because your H is cheating on you" And this long after the A.

Actually an attitude pretty common around here.

If anyone suspects a H is having any kind of A, they just keep the whole family away from them, including not alwaing children to play together, no matter how long they've been friends.

I love your thread, IAO...

Owning my stuff...

Going backwards...uhm, in time...

I was a BS
I was a WS (serial)
I was an OP and have one OC (I wasn't married...and I see I am still coming to terms with that)

I am the daughter of a serial cheater...and my sister is a serial cheater (formerly, I believe)

My sons have already dealt with cheating issues.

Wow...can this be a twisted form of overachievement?

And yes, I was shame-based all my life...

Could ya tell?

LA

I came to MB as a BS, but I was previously the OW who married a WS, and in a former relationship I was the WSO (we weren't married) several times. I thought I'd learned my lesson after being a WSO, but obviously didn't, because I became an OW in my next relationship, which lasted 18 years, and eventually, a BS. I've totally changed my values regarding relationships and marriage since coming here.

I have been a WS and am presently a BS.

The situation is interesting since my WW became so before I did, but I allowed it(very long story, just accept it) and I BELIEVED I wasn't jealous.

Ironically I had my own A the month that she was first going to visit OM (he lives out-of-state and it was all phone based)...coincidence? I don't think so, it was because of her A that I had mine.

To clarify, I'm blaming both of us: me for allowing myself to believe I didn't care and wasn't jealous which led me to do things I didn't understand; her for doing it even while knowing (she didn't say this till recently) that I actually was jealous and was simply burying it.

First I didn't want her...now she doesn't want me. But she has been much ruder and less patient=\ But really, I understand.

Alas, the school of hard knocks does seem to teach best, doesn't it?

When i was 16 i met with a married american soldier in a park the night bevor he flew back home to the states, i knew he was married, we didnt have sex, but there was a lot of other things going on. I also met a few times with the boyfriend of a good friend around that time, pretty much the same thing as with the married man.

My father used to cheat on my mom, she used to tell him that she never loved him and only married him cause her parents pressured her into it. When he had his last "fling" my mom felt jealousy for the first time and went through ******, i was 12 at the time. I saw how much she suffered and i swore up and down something like that would never happen to me.

My husband left me many years ago for about 3 months for someone else, up until about a year ago i was in my EA, and my Husband is now living with OW for 2 years.

I really do wonder, are human beings even capable of being faithful? This really scares me.. i dont ever want to feel that way again, no matter which "role". I just never want to hurt like this again. I guess the only way to be sure of that is to never get into a relationship again, but is that the answer? I have always been someone that needed to feel loved... now i am just scared of feelings. I want to feel these feelings, but i never want to feel like that again, and noone can guarantee that something like this will never happen again. Guess after something like this, you guard your heart pretty well, and i dont think i could ever give my heart the same way as before again.

hmm

I was the WS first, then the BS...my Dad left my mom at 4 years old to marry the OW, that lasted 2 years...and since has been commonlaw to his current SO for 22 years...

My step dad and mom have been married 24 years...my step dad and mom were dysfunctional while I lived at home, great parents, but co-dependent mom, gambling father - an EA over 10 ears ago with dad leaving mom for those months....they reinvent the wheel and have a great relationship now...but I had moved out before I witness the change to function relationship...

Grand parents divorced and remarried, my grandma to the OP for 30 years...

me - swear i would never be like my family - turn out to be them

H's family - very strict religious family - rasied their kids right they say - both daughters have had affairs, one currently in one....son had one after mine (son being husband) oldest son (big brother) like parents can't understand it - sweep it all under the rug.

H and I now functional in our marriage and actually happy, and not letting people sweep it under...

....sounds like a soap opera...but I did indeed have quite a happy childhood despite it all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA - Your profile intrigues me. My XW is a serial, her mom was a serial, she is adopted (??? might not be a factor). I think she is living in a world of shame. She had her BF over while I was out of town last week. (YES- my kids in the house, too!)

I hope you are well.

I will keep you in mind for insight, as I go through this process.
Thanks for sharing.

I respect you for your healing, and owning.

Thanks!

far

Oh!

BS. I had an internet porn issue. But it is complicated.

far

i am the bs.....have never been anything else. hubby's family has a long history with infidelity and secrets....he even has a oc/sister out there somewhere.... his siblings are also entanged in being ws/op scenarios.....

me...i never wandered...not even when i was a teenager. i know harley says we are all wired for it....and believe me i have been emotionally starved enough to have succumb....but i just never would. maybe i am too arrogant or stubborn...it just goes against everything in me.

In this context, my first hat was that of OM (affair with wife), then BH (though I didn't know it yet) then WH for a ONS, the BH again. WW started as BW in her first marriage, then WW in her first marriage (affair with me), then WW in her second marriage, once a BW, but continuously a WW. Mother of OC. I hate to even think about it.

Just realized I have another role: A close family member is having an A, and I have not exposed to the spouse. I have done everything I can to make the WS end the A, but they just won't listen. I'm pretty sure the BS knows, but I'm rationalizing, I know. See, Kiwi's not the only one who knowingly makes mistakes.