H is 55 OW is 29 I am 47. Married 25 years. Two sons over 18.

First post here.

Four weeks ago I confronted my hubby over an affair. First he tried to deny it but I had to much proof so is response was, If you think she's the problem you are wrong". I take it that was a confession. I agree with him though she is only a symptom. He said he is so angry at me, but won't tell me why.

That same night I suggested he go to a hotel and take some time to think. He never said he would or not. I did ask him though if you go, please stay away from OW so you can think about us. His comment was, "I'm not promising anything" He never indicated if he would or not, but the next day when I got home from work I noticed he had taken some things and was gone.

After being gone a few days, I drove to OW's apt and yep you guessed it, his car was there. He is still staying there even though when asked he denied it twice. (This is not the same man I married) Not sure who this guy is anymore.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

After 2 weeks with no contact, he finally emailed me but made no comment about relationship. His emails were things like is it okay if I come over and change the oil in your truck? Of course while he was here I made the mistake of asking him what he wants. All he said was "Please stop badgering me". Don't know when asking one question is considered badgering.

He is still staying at OW's apt and I am trying to look at this as "Time for me" I have registered for a college class, trying to learn to detach, but having a rough time. Crying so much that I can't stand it.

I want my hubby back but just not this alien in his body. Do I still have hope when he's gone with no contact. I have ordered several books from this site and am waiting for them to arrive.

He paid the mortgage payment last month, (I don't make enough to pay it) so I got to thinking what happens if he stops making it. I decided to consult and attorney today and find out what my options are.

I found out that even though we live in a "NO Fault" state you can also file for a contesed divorce based on a few things, and adultry is one of them. The attorny said I would be able to get Life Time Alimony (until I die, or re-marry) Half of his pension, SS, Half of the equity in the house, Half of money in bank, etc. This was strickly an information gathering meeting for me. I did not file and am not ready to file.

What are some steps I can do to try to turn things around?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be. It sounds like your husband is a very typical wayward spouse. If I were you, I would talk again to the attorney, and secure your finances.

I've been going through the same thing for 3 years. My husband is with a woman 20 years younger. I tried to be nice and wait it out. He used that time to blow all of our money, savings, retirement, work bonus, to the tune of over $200,000. He has nothing to show for it.

Now we are getting divorced and he is trying to get half of what is left.

Please read about Plan A and start there. It is basically showing him what a great wife you can be, with no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. It also includes exposing the affair to people that could influence them.

Longhorn has a great write-up on the Just Found Out board. You might check it out. It is very thorough.

So sorry to see you here, Leslie. We know. It's all pretty overwhelming at first. Here's a link to a thread I started to help newly betrayed spouses organize their thoughts on what to do next. I hope it helps. Check it out, okay?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...c=1#Post3014240


Later, we can help you with the details of a plan to salvage your marriage. Everything of what your husband has said so far is very typical of wayward spouses. And, like other wayward spouses, he can be brought back to his family and you two can forge a marriage stronger than it was before.

It takes work, it takes some sacrifice, and it takes time and patience on your part. If you're willing to invest your time and effort, you can do this. You're not alone in this Leslie, MB folks are here to help.

I'm still waiting on the books I ordered but in the mean reading a lot here. I'm still confused in the sense how does one continue in Plan A when there is no contact and H is living with OW?

Right now I feel like I'm numb and so haven't really done much yet but I feel anger coming on the horizon. I've had thoughts like contacting the OW at work and exposing her to her co-workers, contacting the apt complex she lives in and tell them that she has another party living there who is not on the lease, (guess I'm just thinking) right now H and OW are in a honeymoon stage and it's time for them to face the outside world. (GOOD IDEA OR NOT?)

I am worried though that by doing this it will push him further away from me. Strange though in my mind, if he were to say he wanted to come home today, I'd still have to tell him that he needs to get his own apartment and work on OUR issues. I know mentally I would not be ready for him to come home right now. The pain he has inflicted on me is so great, that if he were here I have no doubt I would constantly be full of anger around him. Never in a million years would I have thought he would do something like this. He was my rock, my foundation and now it's shattered.

He is also buying our younger son off (21) H is doing things like asking him if he needs money, putting gas in his car, talking to him on ICQ, giving him phone numbers to call about jobs (yeah, I know normal everyday dad things) which irritates me because I son think should hold his dad accountable. I feel that since our son is living with me, that when H walked away he not only walked away from me but from our boys. The youngest son says he just wants us both to be happy. Great attitude for him, but isn't H's walking away showing him it's okay to walk away when things don't go your way? Since son feels this way, he's not giving moral support to me becuase he's trying to remain neutral.

I asked the lawyer yesterday if I could change locks on the door and kick hubby out (meaning to move his stuff out) and she said not legally. So I guess it's suppose to be okay for him to come over here since he has things here and is paying the mortgage? Right now I don't even want to see him but on the other hand I'm not going to let him run me off from my house when he comes over. (Maybe that would be a good time to go see the OW?) I guess I'm hoping that if she sees that I am a real person and not just some "Name" she might have a heart and leave him alone? She is 26 years younger than H, geeze other then sex how much can they have in common?

Stuck in Limbo, and hurting here.

Don't count on the OW having the slightest bit of compassion. She knows he is married and doesn't care. It is best not to contact her at all.

If they work together, you can expose them to management.

He will never last with this woman. Most WS's come back to the marriage.

Your best bet is to stay in Plan A. Correct any things that he complained about, and make a good life for yourself until the fantasy bubble bursts.

Leslie!
God bless you, it sounds like you are doing a lot fo the right things. I know it doesn't feel like the right stuff jsut yet, but you really are. Taking classes, doing stuff for yourself. Good for you!
You saw an attorney, which is also good. so many people live in fear that goig to an attorney means they have given up, but that is not true. it jsut means that you wnat to be well informed.
Get busy reading. That will help as well. Surving an Affair is great. Divorce Busting is also good. the more you read, the more you will see a certain pattern to the "typical" actions of a wayward husband. You will begin to see that what he is saying, and doing right now is just part of an awful script.

Are you sleeping at night?
Are you able to eat?

buying off your son is part of the script as well. it won;t last forever, and it sounds like your son is old enough to see though it. Your boys are just as lost and confused as you are right now. Pissed at Dad for hurting their mom. but afraid that if they confront him, they will lose him all together. Hang in there. be available for them to talk, but avoid saying anything negative about their dad, for now.

Start a journal. You will be amazed at how much it helps to write it all down, get it out of your head.

by the way - ditto to everythign Believer has said.

don't bother talking to OW. It would only make you angrier. The woman is not worth your time.

Changing locks.... if the lock needs t/b replaced....replace it. If he isn't around to get the replacement key (because he isn't living there), then he doesn't get one. If he wants to push the legal issue, let him.

RE: He willingly left your family. You are now the one responsible to make sure the house is protected from 'strange people, critters and creatures'. Isn't a WS strange?

L.

I wish I knew how they met. As of yet, I can not find a connection. I am going to keep searching because it's just something I want to find out.


I so want to believe this, but I am quickly loosing hope here.


It's funny looking back hubby was never a complainer, he internilized everything so that is why this is so puzzling to me. He has so much anger built up and since I can't read his mind I have no idea what all to work on.

While I am far from perfect, I'll be the first to admit that. I would say the problems with our marriage have more to do with my faults (cept for him moving in with ow or the b**** as I like to refer to her). Since it's so hard to know what he thought he was missing in me the only things I can do at this point are make some changes that I feel I need to make. If nothing else I will be a better person after working on myself.

One of the most difficult things to do right now is to find the time to make these changes. Three (3) days after left, my oldest son and I got temporary custody of my grandson (oldest son's child). Since oldest son lives with me and works at the same place I do but on opposite shift, I am the one that is watching my 3 year old grandson from the time I get off work until my son gets home at midnight. Then it's off to bed for me. I recently took at job working on Saturdays, so that limits my self improvment time to Sundays in addition to having to clean house, do laundry, and prepare for the following week.

No I'm not whining, I am just doing what I have to do to help my son out. Hopefully this is a temporary solution until my son can afford an apartment of his own.

You are so right there. It feels like I can't do anything right. No matter what I do, hubby won't notice if he has no contact with me.


I've read Divorce Busting. I am having such a hard time right now becuase if he comes over all I want is answers and everything I have read up to this point says to act like things are fine, ask no questions about the relationship, and so on. I'm don't think I can follow through with that as long as he is living with the b****.


I am sleeping better then I was a few weeks ago, still waking up a lot at night. Not much of an appetite here yet, but trying to force a little something down daily.


I have not seen that listed in any of the scripts yet, but sad to say, my son is so self centered (has been that way for along time) that as long as he is having things given to him, he doesn't really care. I'm actually resenting my son that he is not holding his father accountable.


As stated above the youngest is just out for himself. Especally now, because he knows if he ask me for something and I say NO, (like this morning, he wanted money for an alternator for his car) I told him I didn't have the money. (H makes more then I do) and since I don't know what all expenses I will be having to face, I have become very frugal with my money. He will just call his dad and have his dad get him one.

That has been one of our problems, I feel H is an enabler and is allowing our son to work when he wants and when he doesn't when something comes up then H jumps in and recsues him instead of making son face the consiquences of doing without.

Our oldest son (27) by a prevous marriage of mine, that H adopted when he was 3 has had no relationship with h. I never have been able to figure out why he could never love him like a father should. Matter of fact my oldest son said the other day he has waited his whole life to hear his dad tell him he loves him. Made me cry when I heard that. Now not to make my h sound like a complete jerk, he has been there financially for our son, just for some reason not emotionally. For so many years, I blamed it on the fact that H was the oldest child in his family and had never grown up around kids so when he married me and got a ready made family it was so foreign to him, he didn't know how to be a father. So a pattern just emerged.


I thought about starting a journal, but some of the things I think I would want to write about, I don't think I would want anyone else to read. Personal thoughts that might not be the nicest of things to have someone read about theirself if they were to find it.

I thought about doing that, but I don't want to aleinate him further. In addition I know if I changed the lock youngest son would make his father a key to the house.

I don't want to anger him enough to get a laywer, because if H gets to that point (and he may have already contacted one for all I know) there will be no stopping him from filing for a divorce. (GOSH I HATE THAT WORD)

He is still making the mortgate payment and if nothing else that should allow me to save some money for whatever may come up due to this bs he is pulling.

Check out the emotional needs questionairre. Usually men's top ones are sex and admiration.

Does the OW have any children?

I've been reading Longhorns things for a betrayed spouse to do. Since he has suggested I say in Plan A, should I be doing some of the following:

Contact H's parents via e-mail (they live in another state and H is not close to them) and let them know what is going on?

Contact apt where the b**** (OW) lives and let them know that H has been staying at her apt for the last almost 5 weeks. I think their time limit without someone being on the lease is 2 weeks. (afraid this may bite me in the but becuase then he just might have his name added to the lease)

Contact H's sisters (again he is not close to them) or just trust that his parents will pass the word along

Contact person that H races with who works on his equipment?

Since H and b**** don't work together should I pass the word along at her place of business that she is living with a married man?

Contact H's boss and another person he works with (Metro Govenrment Job)

If I think hubby is full of anger now, and not talking to me, boy this will in fact make him talk to me (more like shout at me, which he has never done) or it will cause him to run to an attorney. Scared to do those things but from what I read in Plan A, I should be doing those. How do I get the courage to do them?

It's confusing because Plan A, from what I have read is to be the nice fun person to be around, but by doing the above doesn't it show more of different side? Won't those things push him further way? Not sure how much further he can get other than filing papers, and I'm not ready for either him or I to do that.

I just found out he's planning on coming over to work on his car tomorrow (and son's car of course) not sure what to do. Now I'm thinking what the f*** does he have that is so important that he can't come over today? I want to see him, but scared if I do that I will say somethings that I should say, yet don't want to see him for the same reasons. I don't think I should have to "leave" my own home when he comes over, so confused here.

Why can't this end, I just want my hubby back to the way he was, even though I know that is a pipe dream because neither him or I will ever be the same again. So loosing hope here. I just don't know how long I can keep going like this. It's like other then the folks here that reply, I'm in a world of my own, no one to count on for support, (parents are deceased) try not to cry at home because don't want to upset 3 year old grandson, not telling anyone at work because I keep hoping we can work this out, but when it comes down to it, I feel like I'm loosing not only the battle but the war.

I never thought I would be in this situation just like I'm sure any of us did. I so envy those of you that have a support system to help you get through this. As I sit here, with tears running down my face, I just think how nice it would be to feel H's arms around me giving me a hug saying it will be okay, we will get through this. I just don't think I will ever hear those words and not sure how long I can go on like this.

No I'm not in counseling, I went once and didn't like the counselor so didn't go back. Free time is short and have't had the energy to look for another counselor. Yes, I know I am depressed but I won't go on meds, especially the way I feel now, just don't trust myself around meds right now.

I have always heard that God will not give us more then we can handle, but he's pushing it now with me. And I've heard that the things that don't kill us make us stronger. I sure don't feel that way right now. If anything I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper and loosing more and more hope the longer he stays away.

I beg God nightly to end this pain for me, but I guess for some reason he prefers to make me suffer now. I don't know what I did to him to make him want to see me suffer so much. I guess I'm not one of his preferred people. He took my mom who was also my best friend to Heaven, and now he's watching as my marriage has fallen apart. Some might say that the marriage falling apart is the devil's work and that may be true, but God is so much more powerful and yet he's not stepping in to help? Yeah I am questioning everything now.
After H walking out, I can't believe anything anymore.

When does it stop hurting so much? When can I learn to accept that this may in fact be the end of my marriage? I know I can't change things alone and that I have no control over H which also means I can't make the marraige work alone, so is it just time to give up?

IT was never sex I can tell you that. While we kept different schedules (I tended to go to bed earlier then him, of course I now why now, he used that time often for his phone calls) and as far as admiration, I told him all the time things like how smart he is, how much I apprecaite how hard he works to take care of our family, how he rocked my world sexually those are just to name a few.

I will check out the emotional needs though and see if I can come up with anything else.

No the b**** does not have children, nor will H ever be able to give her any. He had a vascetomy right after our youngest son was born. (21 years ago)

Thank goodness. That is the direction I was headed. There is a whole forum here on pregnancy and other children. There are a bunch of people whose spouses had an affair and now the family is paying child support for the next 18 years. So that is one less worry.

Did your husband agree with having your son and grandchild living with you?

Les, this time is pretty bleak for you. We all see it and understand it. We aren't just guessing. Most of us here on MB have been exactly where you are now so it's as real to us as it is you. We got through it, Les...one minute at a time, just like you will. We've come out the other side whole, just as sane as we went into it, and most of us with marriages intact. You're right, this may be the end of your marriage. There are no guarantees, but if you begin to apply MB principles, there is a very good chance your marriage can be salvaged. If by chance it cannot, you will still know at the end you did everything YOU could to make it work. No one can ask anything more of you.

I reread my posts and it actually wasn't I who suggested you stay in Plan A; it was Believer. She should get proper attribution. I think she is right though.

Okay, you're beginning to be proactive and that's good. Nothing ever gets better if you just let it sit there. You’re talking about exposure and Plan A. You need to read up on Plan A and there are a number of things we can point out on MB threads that will help you implement a good Plan A. Let's leave that for another time. Let's talk exposure first.

I don’t know what evidence you have of the adultery, other than the fact he’s living with her. That’s really strong evidence, btw. Perhaps you can lay out for us everything you have. You’re anonymous out here so use it. Telling us what you have might spark something in someone’s mind in how to use it for better/additional exposure.

So…with whatever evidence you have, your next step should be to expose what your WH is doing to people who have influence over him. Adultery is mostly about a fantasy world built between the two where everything is rosy and nothing goes wrong. Everything is serene and life is beautiful. Exposure begins the process of making things go wrong and ripping apart that fantasy.

I like to think exposure is the bright light that shines on repulsive insects skittering out from under an overturned rock. The creepy-crawlies run for cover and it can do the same to adulterers.

My rule of thumb is to expose to everyone who can put pressure on him to end the adultery. If there’s someone who might be able to add to the pressure, anyone who might add some weight of disapproval, they are legitimate targets for exposure. That doesn’t mean you track down his entire high school graduating class and expose his adultery to them, for instance, but if he has a close friend whose opinion he values, that friend is a target. Similarly, his family (parents and siblings), employer, officers of professional organizations he belongs to, etc., may be good targets.

You should expose to your pastor, rabbi, or priest and hers also if you can locate them. Similarly, exposing to church/temple congregations and organizations within the church or temple are good places to go also.

In addition, on the other woman’s side, exposure must be made to her husband if she has one. Boyfriends serve quite well for exposure too. Additionally, you can expose to any children she has, parents, etc. Her employer is a target if there’s a chance a portion of the adultery is being conducted using company resources/time. (For instance, using their network to send emails to your husband.)

To expose to employers, I suggest writing a calm, informative letter advising the Human Resources Director (if such a position exists) of the adultery and ask them what they are going to do about it (in nice words, of course). I’d send it registered mail so there is a record of your notification to them. It makes it more difficult to ignore. If you can go to the business and make your complaint in person, that may be the best way of all.

You have to maintain your “cool” when you expose. You cannot afford to appear to be a raving lunatic when you talk to someone or you play right into your husband’s public relations campaign he’s undoubtedly running right now. Be forthright, choose your words carefully…deliver them slowly and calmly, look your target in the eye and speak from your heart. Your intention is to get them on your side in this battle; ask them to do what they can to break up this obscene adultery that is wrecking your marriage and your family. Above all, you cannot appear to be doing this from spite. In fact, you cannot BE doing it from a spiteful point of view or it will fail in its purpose.

Les, if you show us a list of people or organizations you feel are good exposure candidates, we may be able to help by suggesting more or deleting some from your list. Then, start thinking of ways you can expose to the people you identify. Consider places to go to and, above all, when you can do it.

Hang in there, Les. You aren’t alone in this. We’re all here with you.

When my oldest son was kicked out, he had been living with his girlfriend, who apparently decieded she wanted someone else and had moved some other guy in.

Son asked me if he could come home to stay for a while to get back on his feet. I told him, "You have to talk to your dad about it". So yes, my H had given his permission for son to come home and live but there was a time limit on it. The time had passed and no one said anything (not me, son or hubby). Son paid child suppport and was saving for a car. About 3 months ago he finally bought a car and was saving to move out. He had the money to move out and had put a deposit on an apartment which he later ended up being turned down for (turns out he had a shoplifting charge) from several years back on his record and so was turned down for the apartment. Knowing this could continue to be a problem, son filed papers to have this charged expunged. This can take up to eight weeks to have finalized. Last Monday it was finally expunged.

As far as the grandson living here, this did not happen until 3 days after H left. Since H had left I felt no need to ask what he thought about this. The grandson was picked up by CPS (Child Protective Services) when they got a call and went to the mother's house and found drug paraphanalia and the house was such a mess that they called in unhibatible for a child and took my grandson. So the choice was either let my grandson go into state custody or my son and I could take temporary custody until the court date is set then custody would hopefully given to my son since the mother is in jail.

(Even though son had the child on w/e's he was not aware of what was going on at the mother's house because he never entered the house after he left due to the new boyfriend being there and not wanting to cause a scene in front of his son, so he would pick his son up outside and then when taking him home she would come out and get him)

My son has applied for Financial Assistance to help with living expenses (he doesn't make much above minimum wage) and is waiting for that to get approved. Hopefully it won't be much longer and him and his son will be able to move out. Yes I will still be around to help them, but they just won't be living with me.

Sorry to hear about your grandson's mom. That is so sad, but I'm glad you were able to help.

I think the best thing to do as far as hubby is concerned is to put him on the back burner, and work on your life. Make it a good life, and hopefully he will want to join you.

But be sure to protect your finances.

Evidence is as follows:

Cell Phone Bill (lots of minutes to her)and her to him. Now this is from a man that does not or I guess I should now say DID not like talking on the phone. I guess it was me he did not enjoy talking on the phone to.

Jewerly Store Receipt showing purchase but not listing item (cheap jewerly purhcased probably a watch)

Bank Record - flowers purchased (for both me and her)

Also on Bank Record, numers RX's filled (I have an empty pack of Viagra) This was filled and used this year. He had emotionally distanced himself from me and wasn't even interested in making love with me anymore

Hired a private investigator who followed him to her work where H picked up her

PI also observed H spending the weekends there (Funny though, PI told me that sometimes H would park next to her car, other times he would park in the back of the apartment while she parked in front (guilt perhaps, hiding from me)?

I caught him in the parking lot at her apartment complex

Numerous occasions when I had driven to apartment complex his car is always there.

Unfortunatly I can't get into his email account, becuase he has a network password and I don't know it. I've tried to bipass it and not having any luck yet. But I will keep trying.




H has always been a solitarily man so not sure who all would have influence over him. He is pretty high up in his job and one of the few that I could expose it to would be an gentleman who use to be a commissioner but is in an upper level metro position and H does a lot of work for him. This would shatter the image H has and probably ruin him.


I agree with this part that is why I was thinking about contacting her place of employement and apartment. I know it's more about H then it is her, but if I do the above so scared of the consiquences.



Well she is single, but you at least gave me an idea. Her last name is unusual and I know the town she is from so I will look on line and see if I can find a phone number for her parents and call them if I do. I can't prove yet since I can't get into H's computer if they were e-mailing during work yet.



Is in person better to do this or certified mail? I'm to the point that I am ready to do one or the other.


I am not one to do any thing out of spite. My goal is to save my marriage or to do everything I possibly can to.



Go Kart Association and Nashville Governement.


Thank you for the kind words, guess you can tell I am a basket case today, seems like I have one okay day and 3 bad ones. Today is one of my bad ones, to much time to think I guess.

All I want is for my H and I to both want to work on our marriage together. I know it will never be the same but I truely believe if we worked together on improving it, we could make it better then it ever was.

Wow. Les, you’ve got his hide nailed to the wall, as grandma used to say. There’s far more proof there than most betrayed spouses ever get. You’ve done the job of uncovering this problem in your marriage very well. If you have photos of his vehicle with a time/date stamp imbedded in the picture (many good digital cameras can do this) or the PI documented the vehicle is there overnight, you have an absolutely airtight case.

I don’t understand your hesitancy to expose to your husband’s place of employment. Is there a “morals clause” in his contract mandating immediate dismissal for an infidelity, or are you basing this on the fact the OW is a subordinate of his? That brings to mind…if they do not both work for the city government, do you know how they met and is there any “conflict of interest” factor in their meeting or relationship?

Even if he does work for the government, exposure doesn’t automatically cause ruin even in the military where adultery is still a criminal act that can result in prison time. For instance, while it IS on the books, I saw it enforced only a couple of times in a 26-year military career. I can’t believe a local government would possibly be any harder than the military on adulterers. Perhaps you could explain more completely?

How about calling the personnel department anonymously and ask general questions that will give you chapter and verse on the subject? That would end any uncertainty in your mind forever.

I’m sorry for my unclear writing. I value personal contact above all other forms of communication. It gives the “interviewer” far more of the full person the “interviewee” is. The interviewer sees all the non-verbals--the way you hold yourself, the way you speak, your body language--all the those intangibles that make up the total impression the interviewer gets of you. Failing that, I believe registered mail is the next best method. There are others who believe a phone call is sufficient. It is your choice though. You choose the method that suits YOU best.

Take your time and do a good list, religious leaders, friends, associates, organizations…such as the one you’ve identified…are all good targets. How about family?

I’m sorry today is a bad day. They have to be gone through minute by minute just like the good ones, but you don’t have to let them overwhelm you. Do something different. Go to Barnes and Noble and get that Tom Clancy (or whoever) novel and get absorbed in another world. Go to a gym (or your living room) and exercise until you’ve exhausted your ability to worry for now. Rent a movie or two of them…movies that have nothing whatsoever to do with relationships…and buy some popcorn to eat while you watch them tonight. Heck, call up a girlfriend (or sister, cousin, etc.) and meet her somewhere for a nice dinner. I have visions of Outback Steakhouse running through my mind, for instance. I think I shall have to pay them a visit very soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The point is, Leslie, don’t sit and brood about things you can’t do anything about at the moment. Get active and stay that way, okay?