Several people have mentioned this so far. I'm stumped because I'm not sure that what I have done is enough. I have a seperate checking account with only my name on it, my checks are auto deposited there.

The one joint checking out we had was only one where H would put money to cover househould expenses. I will be taking my name off that account if he has not already closed it.

Our joint credit card accounts are closed and in deliquent status right now. I have checked credit bureau reports and don't see any new accounts that I'm not aware of on there.

So basically right now, my income is the only income I have. I pay the utilities (which are in my name) and last month H paid the mortgage payment. I am hoping he will continue to make the mortgage payment. I asked the attorney what happens if he stops she said she would then file papers for the court to require him to continue to make the mortgage payment.

Other than that, I'm stuck. The savings account that I discovered he had and I was not aware of is only in his name and had like 15k in it. Now I'm thinking he also has some investments which would also only be in his name.

Am I missing something that I should be doing? Should I have the attorney draw up papers freezing our assets? My thoughts are that is all part of the paperwork that would be done if a divorce or legal seperation is filed.

Leslie, I'm not certain Nev saw your earlier posts where you showed how you were already protecting yourself financially. I don't know what more you can do at this point and still stay in Plan A, though I'd stay open for suggestions.

Discovery of additional savings or investment accounts is going to be difficult, though not impossible. A PI can probably find them but it's likely to be a pretty expensive process and I don't think it's worth it right now. I'd say save it until you have to go to Plan D.

That having been said, it seems to me it's very disconcerting to find out one's spouse has secret savings accounts. It speaks of an inclination for secrets and hiding assets in long-term preparation for detaching from you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Leslie,

Sorry to confuse you or stress you out. I did see some of that, but I was thinking primarily of making sure he continues to pay the mortgage (if he stops, you may need to take legal action). Also, I was concerned that he may somehow drain existing accounts or retirement savings, or take out a loan or incur debt that could affect you. I don't know the ins & outs on that stuff, but it sounds like you have things covered.

You really are strong and WH will regret leaving you. Hope he wakes up soon.

The more I am discovring the less I am liking this man I am married to. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but just so much deceit, lying, covering up and now the cheating on top of everything else, I'm not sure how much more I can take and still keep my faith that my marriage is worth saving.

Have you said this to your WS? If so, how did he respond? Did the deliberate lying and deceit continue? If so, there's your answer to whether or not the M is worth saving.

It's hard to say anything to him since he won't return calls, emails or talk to me. I have been trying to work PLAN A which means making the home feel like it's a safe place to come to. Although he rarely comes here, but when he did on Sunday, I was just trying to add some points to the LOVE BANK.

I am also in the process of exposing the affair.

Okay I'm really scared here. I confronted the OW and had a nice little chat with her. I kept my calm and just gave her a little bit of information that somehow H failed to tell her. She thought he was in his 40's was kinda of surprised to hear that he will be 55 in August. She also only thought he had one son that was 18 instead of our two sons who are 27 and 21. She didn't know he had a grandson. I also filled her in on the fact that he has to take Viagra to have sex with her. I let her know the attorney has her name along with proof that he is living there (to which she replied he's not living here, he's got a place at the hotel down the street) my response then why is his car here every night, her reply, "oh he usually stays here". I let her know H and my marriage can be fixed but she needs to get out of the picture. I'm sure they are on the phone right now and I expect him to show up tonight. I asked my youngest son to please stay home because I fully expect his dad to come over here and be furious.

I also have sent an email to H's parents, (not sure they will be any help).

I have tried calling the OW's father but all I get is an answering machine and I really don't want to leave a message there.

I'm still working on getting the exposures done fast and furiously.

Please keep me in your thoughts for the next few days because I am not sure how or what will happen here. H has never been a violent man, but then again he's not the man I know anymore anyway so no telling how things will go down.

"I also filled her in on the fact that he has to take Viagra to have sex with her."

Yep, I call that exposure!!!!! Bwaaaaaaaaahh!!!!!!!!!!

Whew! Friday came early this week huh? (He's not living there, he just "usually" stays there? I'm thinking the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top in her little alien mind either. LOL)

Stay calm and focused. Your WH is getting an earful from OW and he will be contacting you. Like others have warned you, he is going to be furious at exposing his lies. It's good your son will be there. I doubt your husband would get violent but the presence of his son will help rule out even the smallest of possibilities.

Let him rant and rave about this. You'll hear the "she's not the problem" thing again...mixed in with samples of rewritten history such as "I haven't loved you for X number of years...and probably something about having been willing to work on the marriage before you did this but not now. He can't trust you. That's an oldie but goodie. (Never mind nothing you told her was in the slightest bit false, and he's the one cheating...in his mind he can't trust you.)

Stay on message. You did this hoping he would see the light and stop his adultery. You regret he's unhappy. Maybe the marriage wasn't so great for the past few years...you don't want to go back to that either...you want to build a new and better one with him.

Don't take anything he says personally. He will spew invective and accuse you of everything under the sun. You're cruel, spiteful, and vindictive, among other things. He'll count them down on his fingers.

Let it all fly right past your ears in out the window. It means nothing. It's just that darned alien talking and they couldn't make logical sense if they wanted to. Picture him with an ugly alien head on his shoulders if it'll help.

Again, calm and composed. Be strong, Leslie. You'll get through this too. We're here with you.

Leslie - Sorry, but that just cracked me up. My WH and I had problems with SF, and I was very kind and supportive. Got him to see a doc for some Viagra which worked just fine. Right after that, he had his affair. I still carry his medical insurance, and see that he still needs it every month. So being with a woman 20 years younger didn't help at all in THAT department. However, I never thought to tell the OW.

Well it's 8:06 p.m. and still no contact from him. I know I'll hear from him just a matter of when. I'm hoping the OW gives him a good earful. I know I would if I were in her shoes. She looked scared when I walked up to her and said "I think it's time we meet" and introduced myself.

This was the first time I had actually seen what she looks like, and definatly not the type that H would be attracted to physically so between her just not being his type pysically and the guilt I'm sure he has it's no wonder he has to use the viagra.

It's funny but for now I feel at peace with the decision to confront her. I will continue to try to contact her parents and continue with my exposure. I wish it all could have happened at one time, but still have no regrets. My thought s now are the ball is in hubby's court.

What comes after exposure and the outburst I can expect to hear from him? Do most go dark and not come home?

Well, like longhorn said he will be very angry. He will tell you that this is the last straw, he was going to work on the marriage, but now wants a divorce, it has nothing to do with the OW, he never loved you, you are crazy, it's none of your business, you are going about this the long way, he will never trust you again, blah, blah, blah.

You just answer that you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Don't argue or get angry.

The OW may have some second thoughts. She has probably gotten a skewed view of things. So be sure to get some popcorn and sit back and watch.

Keep trying to contact her father. That will put more pressure. She may just decide this is too much trouble.

I thought you knew, Leslie. They always "affair down." Now you'll believe the adultery has nothing to do with you or who YOU are. It's all fantasy.

The funny thing about facing problems is you feel good about yourself when you do. It's scary before hand; just working yourself up to it is like climbing Pike's Peak. On the other side, you look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. Every step down this path makes each obstacle less of a hill to climb and more of a molehill to be stepped over.

The ball is not in your husband’s court. You’ve still got it and you’re going to keep it for some time. You’re going to be exposing to the others on you target list and arrows are going to be coming at him from all sides. He will feel besieged, rather than aggressive after the initial anger. He’s going to be unsettled, because he and his fantasy partner are going to start comparing notes.

She’s not happy now. She knows some unflattering things about your WH and got hit with some hard facts too. The fantasy isn’t nearly so warm and cozy as it was when she woke up this morning. He’s not going to be feeling good either.

When he does finally react, he may withdraw…though it’s hard to imagine him being more withdrawn than he has already been. It may be for a short time and then he may begin making small overtures. It’s hard to tell with your situation because he’s been so dark already. Play it loose and stay flexible. Like believer said, do some popcorn and watch the floorshow because all is not well in FantasyLand tonight. Good work, Leslie.

No contact from H last night. I got up this morning and had an email from him, I really thought about not reading it, but amazing enough all he said was he probably needs to stop by on Wednesday night to look at our son's car.

Unusual for him, because when he was here Sunday, he left with out saying bye. Normally he would come over on the weekend to look at the car, now it's during the week. I'm taking that as a positive sign.

Small victory? I couldn't help myself even though I know I shouldn't have, I drove to the hotel that OW said H had a room at and his car was there this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I realize this doesn't mean that H didn't intentionally park his car there and then go to her house. I'm still going to take it as a small step.

Same thing with the e-mail mentioned in previous post. I am going to reply "Great, I'll look forward to seeing you then." I'm not expecting anything from him when he comes over, actually I will be surprised if he talks to me. I don't think he will become "explosive" or have much to say, because by saying he wants to take a look at son's car, this is assuring that our son will be here.

I got to thinking about something and thought I'd ask. Are there times that a WS (both men and women) are just wanting to know thier spouse is willing to fight to keep the marriage going and that by confronting OP it opens the walkaways eyes that the spouse that was left behind is willing to fight for the marriage?

Next question, when does contacting another person cross the line and become harrassament?

Leslie, I suppose there are times committing adultery is a "cry for help," but I haven't seen any documented here on MB. We've seen "exit affairs" wherein a person deliberately has an affair in order to complete the detachment from their spouse, but that's the closest thing I can think of to what you're suggesting.

As far as harassment is concerned, that’s a legal question and I don’t know the answer. It probably varies from state to state also. I think you need to check with your attorney.

That his car was parked at his hotel this morning is a sign there is discord in paradise. The email is encouraging too, but be cautious…it’s long-term patterns of behavior you’re looking for.

I can’t quite fathom his reaction, or lack thereof. However, maybe this is standard for him. Is he one who internalizes everything and hesitates to show much emotion, even at the best of times?

Anyway, good work. Start with the exposure. If OW was unhappy just meeting you, imagine how she’s going to feel when mom and dad start getting their two cents in.

additionally, don't be surprised if he mentions incidents from the past which sound really petty and trivial, but which he will point to as signs that YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED HIM and that YOU WERE'NT A GOOD AND LOVING WIFE. Don't be surprised at all when he comes up with something you can barely remember, and names it as a turning point in the marriage. SOP for cheating spouses to justify their affair and to rewrite the timeline for the end of the marriage, to back it up to before they began the affair. It's their twisted way to pretend innocence.

Also, your H may not do this, but mine called the OW his "BestFriend" and declared that I had no right to dictate his friendships. But, he might.

Have been following your thread Leslie, and you are doing a
great job !
I think it took a lot of courage to face OW, and you did it
with class and dignity, which is right so since you are the
WIFE and she is (only) the OW.

Wonder if OW didn't tell WH anything about your meeting,
but showed him the door last night and is re-thinking the
whole thing now that she knows the truth ? The brush with
you may also convince her he's not worth the trouble..!
I hope that's the case...

My WH also told his OW a bunch of lies and failed to mention
several "key" things (like his daughter, that we were not in
the middle of a divorce, that I did still love him, etc...).
That your WH lied about his age, age of his kids, having a
grandchild,and that OW is much younger and not particularly
attractive really make me feel like he is having mid-life
crisis issues !

Best wishes-
Slammed

A big part of me wonders if this is what it is. I also think he is in MLC too. Even if MLC is the case, I still will not accept the cheating. Cheating is so out of character for my H and then the lies on top of the cheating and the detachment really worry me though that while he didn't set out to have an affair, and then being confronted about it just completes the detachment so he can walk away.


I'm prepared as well as can be that he will continue to try to try to see the OW. It also won't surprise me if he has a change of mind and doesn't come by this evening to work on son's car. However at least seeing his car at the hotel told me that as you said at least for last night there was some discord between him and the OW. (crossing my fingers that it continues). I'm a long way from letting down my guard (for lack of better word). It's not the words I'm looking for from him, it's the actions. I tried to call him today and as has been the case anytime I have tried to call him since he left he lets the call go directly to voice mail. I kept my message light and asked him to please let me know if he's not coming over tonight.


I don't think anyone from his family has contacted him yet because if they had I'm sure while he wouldn't talk to them he would have left me an email.

H has always been a man that internilizes everything, as a matter of fact I can not remember us EVER having an argument . Typically he will just not say anything. For some reason he has a difficult time being close to anyone. Even with I confronted him with the affair, we sat down calmly and had a short talk. One of the things he said then was he was so angry. My opinion is he internilizes everything and finally for whatever reason the wall that he had built started to suffocate him and the anger came to surface so everything and anything he could think of that I had done in the past was magnified 100 times. He did say he was seeing a counselor so who knows perhaps he is working through the anger.

For example his parents, and 3 sisters he has pretty much NO contact with them. I can't ever remember him picking up the phone and calling any of them just to talk. It's like he has cut them from his life.

That continued in our marriage with him not getting close our oldest son and who knows I may be the next one he cuts contact with.

I'm still going into this planning on turning our marriage into a relationship better then it ever was (which won't take a lot) but even saying that I have to admit, no matter how bad it was in the past I still love this man with my whole heart.


I'm still working on trying to contact her father tonight. So far no answer just answering machine. I don't feel comfortable leaving a message on the machine but if I don't get a chance to talk to him by Friday then I will leave a message.

This is what I am expecting from him more so then the anger.