My statement above regarding Plan B was not a question to you, it was a rhetorical statement.

I'm sorry you doubt my knowledge and support using the MB principals. But I feel fully confident and comfortable in lending it to people in need here.

Tagging off now so as not to hi-jack Leslie's thread.

Jo

Trix,

No fears on her getting pregnant. H had a vascetomy. So that is one less thing to worry over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Resillent,

I have already told H that I felt his reason for wanting to return home was financial and that was not good enough. I do continue to tell him that I love him and that I do not believe our marriage is over.

While he was angry this morning he tried using one of the "It's your fault that I did this", my reply to him, was NO, It's partly my fault the way our marriage is but it's your fault for having the affair.

A fear I have now is that he is agreed to go to MC to use as a form to bash me. He will be looking for some validation that we should not be married.

Part of my reason for setting Friday as a date on implementing Plan B was because I knew I was still going to do some more exposure.

H was completly furious when he heard that I left a message on the OW's father's answering machine. I had tried to call the OW's father about 20 times at least and all I got was the answering machine, so I felt I had no other FAST option to expose the affiar then to leave the message.

I'm not sure one is ever ready for a divorce especially when they still love thier spouse. However, I will not and can not continue to live in a marriage that he treats with such disregard.

I started to say I do not think H will file for D (but then again it's kinda obvious I don't know H anymore) however if he does, my lawyer will counter file with grounds which will keep the d in the courts for a considerably longer period of time.

Mimi,

You are my role model. I want to be able to say one day "Happily Recovered" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The question I have for you is this: How do I continue to try to add points to the love bank when H won't give me the time of day. Everything I do or say to him is crowding him?
I want to store up as many things in his love bank prior to implementing Plan B.

Just so you know Plan B Implementation on Friday has a lot to do with how things go the rest of this week. If he looks like he is starting to turn around then I will hold old.

For example, today after his blow up, he's outside working on his car (I have chosen to stay in the house) and just leave him alone. Is there something else I should be doing so that when he leaves today I have added love bank points?

Another Q, if I do implement Plan B how do I handle the counseling sessions in regards to not seeing him?

Should I find a counselor like tomorrow and try to set up an immediate appointment or wait a few days for H to calm down. Neither one sounds like the best option because if I give him time to calm down he may change his mind about going, or if I do it now, I think he's only going out of anger and not truely willing or wanting to work on us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Take a drink outside to him..his favorite..

Cook one of his favorites for lunch.

Dress in an outfit or in a manner that he particularly likes..

Wear his favorite perfume..

Ignore his response. He will not let on that this is having an effect. You are creating memories.

If you two enter MC Leslie, your marriage counselor is key. If you cannot counsel with Steve H. or Jenn, interview as many as it takes to find a "PRO-marriage" counselor who hopefully knows the MB principals.

If your H wants to vent in the sessions, I trust the right counselor will see past his tirades.

I understand preparing for D is fearful and hurts. And I admire your resolve to not being treated with further disrespect, as I'm sure your husband will soon realize and admire as well.

Jo

Good plan. Drag the D out for as long as you can, which will give his affair even more time to hit full light of day. You want his affair burnt to a fine black crisp.

Jo

He's angry because you contacted the OW again and wants you to apologize to her, huh? LOL 'Tis indeed wondrous what comes from the mind of aliens, isn’t it?

Well, at least he’s showing some emotion, eh? I think this is the first time I’ve seen you write about him displaying any visible emotion at all. Anger’s not usually one of the better ones to display, but it’s good here. It’s a signal that exposure is creating stress in Fantasyland. Partners in adultery don’t like it when people begin to find out about their sordid little obscenity. Sounds like OW has been getting some feedback from her father or someone and she’s not terribly thrilled about it. When OW is unhappy, she makes it known and gives your WH a piece of her mind. That makes WH angry. My goodness, there’s a lot of unhappiness and anger in Fantasyland today, isn’t there? Those emotions generate pressure on the relationship and pressure builds, bit by bit, until it becomes unbearable. That’s a good thing.

Leslie, you can get other opinions, but I don’t think you can go to MC with your husband while you’re in Plan B. The point of Plan B is to withhold all of yourself from the WS and not meet any of the WS’s emotional needs at all. Plan B shows the WS how important you are to his daily needs. If he sees you at MC, he gets his “fix” and it extends his ability to do without you the rest of the time. If you want to try MC, perhaps you can consider delaying Plan B to see how he acts in the first couple of sessions?

I don’t understand much about your WH yet. He seems to be a mass of contradictions piled on top of incongruities wrapped up in inconsistencies. Most men I know who got as furious as you indicate he did this morning would storm off somewhere to get away from the person who made him angry. Instead, your WH goes outside to work on the cars, and presumably will get around to showing you how to do the swimming pool pump. Did his anger seem more frustration than anything else?

Anyway, when he talks to you or, rather, argues with you, it’s an opportunity to apply a technique known as “Reverse Babble.” I don’t know if anyone has mentioned it to you yet. It recognizes the alien speaks only gibberish to you and the alien’s brain can’t understand much when you speak to him. Therefore, don’t try to make sense because it can’t be processed.

Here is a link to Orchid’s world famous reverse babble thread. Try it. I think you’ll like it.

Orchid's Reverse Babble Thread


You give WH’s love bank small, incremental deposits in any way you can without appearing needy or wimpy. (Remember the carrot and stick policy.) The important thing is to expect absolutely nothing in return. If you expect anything back, you’ll break your own heart because the alien simply can’t give it to you right now.

I’d check on that counselor you wanted to try as soon as you can. Aliens change their mind on the spur of the moment with no regard to the commitments they’ve made for such things. If he’s said he’ll go, take him up on it, BUT…don’t expect much of anything from it. MC isn’t going to do much good until the OW is out of his life for good and his mind returns to you.

Mimi,

I had to improvise here but did what I could.

H is a chicken eater (hmm lol chicken man who runs rather then have an adult conversation) *smacks self* that wasn't nice
so I went and got him a chicken sandwich. (If I took the time to cook him something he would have been gone before it was finished), plus we're not much into cooking here.

Drink - hmm favorite, gave it to him, a bottle of water.

Favorite Outfit that he likes on me - never had a comment from him to the effect of "Hey, that outfit looks great on you" so best I could do here was pick something I thought looked nice, (did that)

Perfume, says it gives him a headache (put some on anyway)

Went to the grocery store looking for some watermellon that was cold and already cut, that's one of his favorites, but <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> they didn't have any today. Probably everyone and their brother bought it for the Holiday Weekend.

Anyway, handed him a chicken terraki sandwich, bottle of water and a couple of cookies (darn expensive sandwich though $10.00) sure better taste good.

He did say thank you but the look on his face was not one of pleasure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree. It was my impression Leslie planned to go to MC as part of her recovery plan, and only if her husband committed to it before this Friday. Then all bets off, and she enters Plan B ... which incl. no MC or contact of any kind, if not limited.

Did I miss something in your posts, Leslie?

Jo

Resillent,

H has agreed to go to MC, (but was angry when he agreed) so not sure how to take it.

The whole goal for me is for my marriage to be better then it ever was before.

From my understanding of Plan B it is total darkness until my boundaries are met.

While counseling is indeed one of them it is NOT the only one. I am waiting for the NC letter to be written so that I can mail it. In my H's sick little alien mind of his he thinks I am the one that owes the other woman an apology. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Since I won't write this letter to her, I don't forsee him agreeing to write a NC letter.

I know we need counseling big time but I am not prepared to enter into a false recovery. So all I can do at this point is wait and see what his actions and or words over the next few days indicate. I guess I'm stuck at this point, how to get across to him, that while he did agree to MC, I need the NC letter FIRST. Anythhing more I would say to him today would just add fuel to his fire and be more apt to start another battle.

Either way to be prepared I think I will set up a counseling session and who knows I may be the only one that winds up going.

And I believe its acheivable for you and H.

You seem to have a good grasp of the MB principals and plans. I would suggest up until Friday you avoid all love busters as best you can and meet every single bloody important EN you can of your WH, within reason. This will leave him with good thoughts of you when he seeks you out as his lighthouse back to the marriage. A safe port in the storm.

Also, if I may add, its perfectly obvious OW isn't and probably cannot meet all his ENs.

Jo

Resillent,

It's hard to meet his EN when he's not living here. After today he probably won't try to come by the house until Saturday. Which might not happen if I go to Plan B on Friday and send him a NC letter.

He won't answer the phone if I call, guess I could send him a I'm thinking about you" e-card just can't do that everyday because then it would be to much in his mind.

If I broke something around the house and asked him to come fix it that would make me appear needy and I don't want to come off that way. He doesn't take lunch while at work and he's often out of the office anyway. If I invited him to lunch he would turn me down. (He would think I was smothering him)

I asked him once if he'd be willing to talk via instant messenger (my thoughts were it might be easier for him since it wouldn't be face to face, his reply NO.

I really think my marriage was to an alien in the first place he is so different then other men I know.

LOL Yeah, thats gonna happen. This request is beyond ridiculous.

Here, I'll apologize to OW for you Leslie.

________________________________________________
M (aka OW),

I'm sorry your father found out you are boinkin a married man. All I can think is someone must have physically forced you against your will to have sex with him because we know your dad raised you with better morals and to know this is wrong. So I'm sorry your dad is so very dissapointed in you and your actions, and that you are ashamed of yourself for your very poor hurtful and immoral choices. I'm also sorry you feel so guilty for the sleazy and illicit acts you have chosen to continue to partake in with this MM even after you know his wife knows and is devistated by it.
________________________________________________

How's that Leslie? Now go tell your H he can write his NC letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow Resillent,

I needed that so much. It made me laugh. I can't remember the last time I have done that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I asked H if before he leaves he will show me how to operate the pump to the pool, his reply, "I guess". I'm not going to hold my breath waiting though. He has a way of leaving without saying bye.

Okay so let's see I believe this now makes 3 different outfits today. First one that I had on when he got here, second one when I dressed up some to go get his lunch and now, shorts with tank top showing cleveage, just in case he decides to show me how to work the pump. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I'm heading outside to start getting the leaves out of the pool, (typically that was H's job) but it will give me something to do. I wonder if he'll agree to do the laundry for me.

Which pump would that be? .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You are a barrell of laughs today. Fortunatly only the pump to the pool, no where close to even wanting to see any other pump. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow LH, must have missed your post earlier. Sure am glad I scrolled back up and looking at the posts again. You are correct as far as NC can be done in Plan B. This gives me until Friday to get H in MC or for him to show me some sincerity in wanting to work on our relationship. I'm not going to make a rash decision set in stone Friday doing Plan B since so much hinges on his actions between now and then.

I think I should high five you because we have finally seen the anger that you said would reer it's ugly head after the exposure. We might have seen it earlier had I been able to expose to everyone at once, but in a way this isn't so bad this way either because perhaps it took the additonal trips to the OW's house to let him truely see that I'm not giving up on him or us.

It's not surprising that you don't understand my H. Because like you, I would have thought after his outburst this morning he would have left the house. (yeah I heard words come out of his mouth I wasn't aware he even knew) and of course I was told several times that I'm insane, but in one ear out the other right? Either way, I was anticipating the anger and actually welcomed it because it shows he still the capacity to feel.

Honestly his anger felt more like that of a sad man who can't understand how or why I still love him since he is and has done everything to try to kill that love. At one point I thought he was close to tears, but he never quite got there, instead he threw a water bottle in the trash can and stormed out of the room. (By the way, I think you will like this, I made sure when he came home to talk we were in a room that was sure to bring back memories of him and I. (bet you can guess which room)

I am starting to think he is the classic example of a man who has lost his brain. I know he use to have one someplace.

I'm calling the counselor (cross your fingers that the one I really want is taking new patients) I'm working on the small love bank deposits without coming across as needy or trying to. In a few minutes I'll go get his water bottle and refill it for him and just hand it to him.

BTW, thanks for the link on Orchids Babble Link, I'm going to read it as soon as I post this.

Hey, Leslie. I think you're right. It's delayed reaction from the initial exposure plus the incremental ratcheting up on the pressure by someone in OW's family.

What I see in you, though, is a betrayed spouse who knows what to look for and who is in charge of her marital recovery. That's excellent. Keep up the great work.

After 7 p.m. and H still here. He's not talking to me but he did go out and work on the pool. When I went out and asked him to show me what to do his reply was, "I can't right now I'm busy". Reminds me of a spoiled child, I'm not talking to you until you do things my way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He must not be that miserable around here because he could have left hours ago. I've pretty much left him alone for the most part, except to take him out some lunch, (Which I found out later when I asked him how it was, he didn't eat it). That's okay it was his choice. Similar to the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know he's still very angry, hopefully this time the exposure caused enough problems so the OW doesn't want to see him anymore.

Finally found out from OW where they met, it was a website called craigs list. She was new in town and he got to chatting with her.

I did find out that most of their initial conversation was via e-mail (OW revealed this when I led her to believe I already knew) now H thinks his email is bugged.

Your WH continues to BEHAVE like mine did.

I'l share what I learned from my FWH about what was going on..maybe it fits with your H.

First of all, he will not let on NOW on how your PLAN A is being effective. Now, it makes him anxious and conflicted because he wants to rationalize remaining in the A.

It is during PLAN B when this PLAN A makes a difference. My H stated that once he REALIZED what the OW was REALLY like..he began to miss ME..the ME that I was during PLAN A...

So don't expect to see him showing positive reactions to what you are doing now...

My H did the working around the house thing to try to convince himself that home was where he needed to be..that being home was the RIGHT thing...he painted walls...fixed stuff around the house, etc. However, as is true for your WH, it didn't work. He continued to MISS HER..CRAVE HER..despite wanting to do the RIGHT THING..

The main thing is to not let him bait you into a fight. That's the point of not eating the lunch for example.

I would throw in words of appreciation to him since that is so important to these middle aged men wanting ADMIRATION that they are getting from the young chick. THANK YOU FOR HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE. I HAVE MISSED SEEING YOU AROUND HERE. Remember..don't expect a response from him...But he will be listening and he will remember. In fact, he will almost hate that you are saying anything that he wants to hear. His main desire is to JUSTIFY TO HIMSELF CONTINUATION OF THE AFFAIR.

Plus, after the EXPOSURE, the A does begin to feel YUCKY and NASTY..not as much fun..so he is dealing with this today...trying to make himself feel like a better person...which he is not a GOOD PERSON right now..working around the house won't work for him..unfortunately, as others have indicated, he remains an ALIEN BEING and this will take time...


Make sense?

Yeah, let the anger work on their relationship. I think you're taking the right tack on his attitude. Just let his words and petulant behavior go right on by you without acknowledging it. Frankly, it won't do any good to engage him about it. He can't really tell you any more about why he's mad than a 3-year-old could tell you why he's throwing a tantrum.

I'm familiar with craigslist though I've never looked at the "Personals" section there. He put up an ad in the "Men Seeking Women" section? Or did he reply to one of hers?