Leslie,
I did not tell you that to make you be quiet- that is not it at all.

I apologize.

No one said for you not to post or to be quiet.

I know you are hurt and angry.

This is a good place to tell how you are feeling.

I would tell anyone going thru this the same thing.

I'll stay off your thread- feel free to vent all you want

Again, I apologize for making you feel like you were not supposed to state your feelings.

Of course this is a great place for you to be right now. Understand we aren't being critical, we are trying to help you. Most BS's have been in some sort of anxiety, like you are right now. We recognize it and are trying to get you through to the other side. It is rough, but try not to over react, try to do what is in your best interest. I am sure that is not running off to read e-mails at your work right now. Believe me, most of us have been obsessive during this time. Being needy and panicky is not helpful to you, nor is it attractive to your WH. He is being a jerk, not calling you, even if he is not coming home tonight. Try not to add energy to his actions, focus on YOU!

Just had a shouting match on phone with H. He's so po'd. He found out that I went to her job and exposed. He found out about that today so that is why he didn't come home. He now thinks I am crazy. Of course it's all my fault. He said it's between us, which I told him that was true but he was the one that brought her into the picture. He thinks I am trying to destroy as he put it an innocent person. (Can't figure out since when OW is innocent)

I told him I don't do divorce. He's like what do you mean by that? I said I know we have a lot of s*** to work on but I know we can have a better marriage then before. It has to start with honesty and communication.

Then of course I caught him in a lie while on the phone call. No more walking on egg shells for me. Either he wants to work on us or he doesn't.

I know some may say I'm rushing things, but keep in mind we have had these issues going on for a long time. The only difference is this time there was OW in the picture.

Regardless of where this winds up I think tonight getting some of the anger out (each of us) was a good thing. I'm sure if he eventaully comes home there will be a ton more said.

Still not sure he will get over me exposing to her work. He even said all this bs I am doing is just going to drive them closer together. He said the only reason he (forgot if he said he went over her house or talked to her) but was because he didn't want her suicide on his hands. To bad I can't get some of his concern.

Thank you want_to_recover, Jean36, intexas and moveforward. I sinerelly do appreciate all of your words of advice tonight but especially for the ear you were lending to me. Each of you took time out of your night to talk to me and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What was that sound I just heard??????...............Oh yeah........a FOG HORN!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep....same thing was said to me after I exposed.....THEY ALL GET OVER IT!!! And in less time than you think!! It is their defense mechanism.....Remember...when a person leads 2 lives, and they collide, there is a tremendous amount of friction...on both sides...until that other life is faded to nothing....now which life will he choose??? Not for you to try and control....only indirectly, by making yourself as "attractive as possible", and no matter how much you hurt, if you want your marriage, you MUST think your WH is an alien....EVERYTIME YOU INTERACT WITH HIM!!! When you practice this enough, you'll actually laugh a little inside!.....Then, advantage YOU!!!!!

First post to you from me, but keep your chin up!!
MWIL

Leslie, I'm sorry things have turned so sour on you. The only rational thing to do is consider your WH still mired deep in his adultery and not very motivated to end it, or to cooperate in the couples counseling. His anger at exposing this “innocent” woman is fairly normal, btw, as is his reasoning that she is, in fact, innocent in all this. It’s the fog and with your husband, it’s an angry fog. Normally the anger ends with the passage of a few weeks, but your WH seems to be using anger as a crutch to avoid doing anything about himself or your relationship. I’d been pinning my hopes on the MC being able to draw out some of the emotions from your WH, but WH has declined to do the first two “homework” assignments. MC is clearly not working--it’s probably a good sign he’s still in contact with the OW. I think you’re correct in deciding to go to IC instead of continuing with an unproductive MC.

It's very sad, but if you're finished with exposure, and if you can do it, you might consider Plan A without expecting him to make any progress right now. Make your plans to go into Plan B when it's appropriate for you and when it's feasible. Regretfully, it might be necessary to work with your attorney to get a legal agreement of some kind so your WH continues to pay for the major items. Such an agreement should involve him moving out rather than you. I can’t help but feel there are some other odds and ends an attorney should clear up also…such as that secret $15,000 account he has set aside. That he has such an account bothers me no end.

Your husband may be involved with this woman as an "exit affair" kind of thing, as you say. It's very hard to tell except in retrospect. For now, a strong Plan B, where he isn’t allowed to come over to the house and work on his toys may be your best bet. WH has to be brought out of the lifestyle he’s most comfortable with. If he has to move away and do without his toys (see your attorney), might that be enough of a “shock” to get him to come to the bargaining table in good faith? Even if that won’t work, Plan B will preserve the love you have left for him. The way things are going now, he’s going to starve that out of you in short order.

Leslie, stay strong. Don’t let the alien’s words and actions drive you up a wall. WH is an alien right now and you can ignore an alien, right? You will be okay, even if you go to Plan B…or Plan D…no matter what WH does. Life would be better in the short term if WH would pull his head out, but you’ll be fine even if he doesn’t. In the long run, you’re going to come out of this and make a new life and hopefully a revived marriage. Others have done it--you will too.

Oh, Leslie...

You touch my heart...

Recalling those times that you are going through brings tears to my eyes....

Your reactions are sooo like mine...the terror..the panic..the ups and downs...

Your WH is soooo like mine...

This is all SCRIPTED....

Believe me when I say to you that your H is a STANDARD WH..

Just like one of the other posters stated, he is the TYPICAL FOGGY-BRAINED WS...you will soon be able to well identify all of the features and characteristics...this knowledge will give you POWER so that he cannot fool you or control you like he is trying to do...

And just like the others have stated, he is definitely still in touch with her and probably was with her when he was MIA (Missing in Action)...

That's why he has to be angry..to make it all about you..not him...

Standard Operating Procedure..my H would pick fights..say and do awful stuff in order to get me riled...



All of this is standard..standard..standard...

She used this to get his sympathy as an excuse for them to get together..this is the value of PLAN B..they won't have you to blame anymore..

That is the nature of their relationship which she plays him on..he is rescuing and helping the poor, poor baby..the damsel in distress...my H and the OW's favorite movie was PRETTY WOMAN..I now hate that movie...


You said:



Great!!



But no, don't do the ANGER. It is lovebusting and it is part of his scheme to justify the affair.. You being the angry, crazy unreasonable wife...don't fall into this trap...

You want to be the best YOU that YOU can be..Calm, cool, assertive..head held up..chest held high..gaining his respect..maintaining your self-respect...he will come to RESPECT your decision to expose her..it was the right thing to do and shows that you are in the FIGHT....

LH and MiMi

Actually last night's anger match on the phone was a good thing for both of us. In the entire 25 years we have been married I have never heard H vent the way he did last night. Prior to that as you know he kept everything internally. I didn't realize I had to much anger stored up myself but it sure came out last night.

There were points in our conversation last night where he got quiet and I felt he was at least listening. If this is the breakthrough that was needed to at least get him talking then I have no regrets.

I know I am a much stronger person since our phone call last night and I won't be in such a rush to have him come home this time. Last time when he wanted to return first it was for financial reasons, then after that his reply was "because this is where he should be".

Now, that's no longer enough. If he wants to come home, then my boundaries will be listed at the very beginning. (NC letter again, Transparency, MC). I was wanting him to come back home so much last time that I was willing to settle for half a husband as long as his body was at the house.

I am not expecting miraculous changes to happen overnight nor do I want them to. It took us a long time to get to this point and it's going to take a long time to create a better marriage. However, in order to do this it will take both of us willing and wanting to.

I understand he has some withdrawal and fog to go through and I can deal with that, but what I can't and won't deal with is being treated like I'm a leper.

As I told him last night, I'm willing to fight for a better marriage then we had before. It's strange but for the first time I feel like we had the most honest conversation that we have ever had. (even though a lot of it was in raised voices initially)

Looking back and reflecting on things, back when I first discovered his A, he wouldn't talk about anything. At least even though it's in anger right now he is learning to open up some.

Towards the middle of our phone conversation I got my anger under control and lowered my voice and continued to talk. going to argue but I would be happy to talk about things

I have no idea if he is planning on coming over tonight to talk but I'm kinda numb either way.

Oh yeah he tried some of "fog" talk last night. Brought up about the PI when I asked where he was, he asked if I was going to hire a PI again. (lol) I told him if I felt it was necessary I would. He replied, "He might hire a PI also". I said Great. Let me give him my schedule and the places I go so he can have an easier time finding me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

See guys and gals, I'm learning the fog talk. I've got a hard head but remember I do listen.

Sorry I missed you last night but it looks as you are getting the advice you need. You sound much better today.
You are in my thoughts and prayers..I can't offer any more advice than you've been given. I wanted you to know you have my support.

Hi Leslie,

I'm glad you talked to him last night. And that you feel stronger for it.

Hang in there.

LOL...I love this..You're funny!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was gonna say the same....that was CLASSIC! Should be engraved somewhere classic!

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing tonight to let you know I was thinking of you and praying for you tonight.
Hopefully you were able to get some rest tonight.

intexas

Hi intexas,

I'm doing okay tonight. Just numb here. That's a better feeling that what I've been going through lately. Made it through the night with no tears.

I haven't heard from h since our phone conversation, but wasn't sure I would. I was disappointed since the night before I felt H was finally learning to open up some and talk.

I slept for about 3 hours. I may go back to bed in a few and try to get about another 1.5 hours before the alarm goes off.

H and I have a previously scheduled MC'g appt for this Thursday at 8:00 a.m. No idea if H will show up or if I should just change it over to IC'g or if I should just keep the appointment as it is. Then if H doesn't show up go ahead and do IC'g. I want us to go to MC'g but kinda afraid this week if he shows up what his agenda will be.

He's already told me that I am crazy. He said that because I went to OW's work and exposed. It was kinda funny though when he said that because I told him, "No hon, I'm actually one of the few in this world who has a certificate showing that I'm legally sane." I think he believed me, cause he asked what's that. My reply was well "Do you have one". I'm not even sure such a document exist but I guarantee I can sure make one on a computer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for checking up on me.

[quoteHe's already told me that I am crazy. He said that because I went to OW's work and exposed. It was kinda funny though when he said that because I told him, "No hon, I'm actually one of the few in this world who has a certificate showing that I'm legally sane." I think he believed me, cause he asked what's that. My reply was well "Do you have one". I'm not even sure such a document exist but I guarantee I can sure make one on a computer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[/quote]


Leslie,

I got to tell you - this is reverse babble at its best...hope Orchid sees this...she'll make you her star pupil!

Regards,

BB

I think that Leslie is ORCHID, JR. or ORCHID II since she's a WOMAN...

I just got served with an order of protection from OW. What the ****** is she thinking? I have to court on 07/10

take all the affair evidence to court ...

you might be able to turn the tables on her if she is making chit up to break up your M

Pep

have one served on her too!
get pi to show that she checks up on your house, phone, etc...b/c the other women always do that...but they don't THINK that the tables could be turned on them.

turn it baby.

and tighten the noose around the affairho's neck. oops.

but in a legal sense.

That's exactly what I plan on doing. I'm in shock that this was done, now not only am I angry at her, I'm even angrier at H. While I have no proof he had any knowledge of this, I stil think he knew about it, possibly even encouraged it.

I've already called an attorney to represent me. Always something around here. Just when I was saving up money to move out this comes up. No idea what the heck this is going to cost me for the attorney.

She even has the box checked that says I own/possess a firearm. I've never owned or possed a firearm in my life. I've never threatened anyone with physical harm either. Heck I'm scared of guns.

She said I went to her job and want to get her fired and ruin her life. She said I made various threats that I would cause trouble to her employer. (What a liar) I very calmly told her employeer there was a good possibility of misuse of company time by this OW because she had been calling and sending e-mails to my H from work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now granted she did say I called her father, (which I did) I did go to her employeer, and I did drive to her apartment and talk to her 3 times. However on none of those times was I mean to her. As a matter of fact even told her I wished I could hate her. I told her I felt sorry for her because my H was using her.

Now all of a sudden I'm a threat. This should be interesting when I bring in copies of cell phone records, and some of the other evidence I have. Oh well at least her name will be in the public records now.