Mimi


He won't leave this time. Both of our names are on the deed. I can't force him to leave.

Mulan


I told both H and MC I was not willing to accept this. I know I can not control his choices but I can control what I am willing to accept.

Carnation2


H has said he's not going anyplace. So he will still have full access to the house the same as I would if I stay. I agree his not having access to his "toys" (go karts, race cars etc) would have an impact on him.

I just don't see how I can Plan B him while living in the same house. How does one detach while living together.


There are many reasons why I feel I should leave. First I can't stop loving my H and still detach while in the same house.

This next part is hard to admit, but I am scared of my son. He flys off the handle at the drop of a hat. I have already been cussed out by him this morning because I wouldn't give him $15.

I am just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of someone always needing something from me. If I move, I can try to find some peace. I don't plan on telling anyone where I am living. I can try to find the person I use to be so many long years ago. I have no identity anymore. I am so broken down emotionally and mentally that every day is a struggle for me here.

I see your point about leaving. Either you leave or he leaves. I think you need a DARK PLAN B. Leaving him with your son won't be a bad idea.

I suggest you get individual counseling - mainly about your son. I would not tolerate a son in my home cussing me out.

Your husband is repeating what they all say - it is NEVER about the OW according to the WS, blah, blah, blah. Textbook. Hang in there.

Here is how things are now:

I haven't talked to H since MC'g on Thursday. A few things I remember in MC'g is was H saying he just wants me to let him go. He said who knows in 6 months or a year he may realize he made the biggest mistake there was. So does that mean it's over? BTW - he is back at home - sleeping on the couch (his choice I guess since neither one of us has spoken to the other since MC'g.)

He had school on Thursday and I was in bed by the time he came home. Not out of anger, just because I am physically worn out.

Friday - I worked almost 12 hours then I had some of my relatives move to town and got here last night. (not staying with us) Spent some time with them came home, H's car was here but he was on his bike. I went straight to bed. Turned on the t.v. and think I was sound asleep in less then 5 minutes.

No work for either of us for the next several days due to weekend and holidays. I know if I stay around here I will do so many LB's such as: (things I want to ask him and know I shouldn't but afraid I will if I stay here)

1. May I have your wedding band back until you are willing to commit to working on us?

2. Are you willing to give us 6 months of both of us honestly working on our marriage?

3. Letting him know that if this Order of Protection actually goes to Court that his name will be drug into it.

4. Asking him what he intends to do about the Order of Protection?

I'm thinking I may be better off to just go somewhere for a week (hotel). I hate to spend the money since I really can't afford it, but I know that if I stay I won't be able to distance myself enough to not ask.

I am so so so lost about where to go from here. Do I move? I know he won't. If I move do I need to consult the attorney first and file legal sepertation papers (when I first asked about that she did not sound like she was a supporter of Legal Seperation). The only way to ensure that I am protected financially if I leave is by filing either seperation papers or d papers.

Help me someone please.

Another question here, If H just wants me to let him go, why does he still wear his wedding band?

(((Leslie)))
Here to support you, more than advice...I didn't want you to feel like you are alone.



He doesn't know what he wants...he thinks he does but he is confused.

It sounds like its time for plan B. How close are you to that? Is your letter done? Check w/ the lawyer about the separation requirements. I know you plan to leave your house because part of you is afraid to be alone w/ son. Aren't your sons grown? Why is he still there? Is that contributing to the distance between you and WH?

I was so close to filing for D...we don't have legal separation in my state. I gave my WH a choice of committing to address our marital issues for 3 months or moving out for 3 months. He JUMPED at the chance to move out...no hesitation...he was so sure our M was over. 2 weeks after he moved out I went to plan B...1 week into plan B he wanted back...2 weeks I had a commitment from him and a NC letter. We are moving ahead slowly w/ caution...before I allow him back home I want him to talk to SH or start MC.

If you can take a step back to get ready for plan B...right now you are dealing w/ the alien clone of your H not your real H. Don't expect rational answers to your questions he only knows babble.

((( Leslie )))

Please just don't take my advice, ask others. But - as I see it, I think you need to get HIM out of the house. I know, I know he won't go.... so get the atty to get him out on temp basis. You said that you think a LS will be the final nail in your M coffin, I disagree. I believe the OW is all the nails.

I don't see how you can have an effective Plan B with him home with everything he wants. I think if you can somehow get him to leave, he will miss the house, the stuff and you. I truly think that at this point, it is your best chance. But, don't just take my word for this. See what others here have to say.

And, if and when you talk with an atty, find out about the hidden $$$. I think since you are married -- half of it is yours !!! Just my take on it... look into it.

Not trying to be harsh with you hon. Just trying to help you get what you want.

Hugs, Carnation

Leslie,

Please try to believe us when we say that WSes all say the exact same thing. Almost VERBATIM my H said that to me. He is saying this to relieve his guilt...so he can say to himself that it was you who agreed to this..rather than the truth..he will be leaving you for another woman..THAT IS THE TRUTH...

If you "let him go" on his terms, he will go straight to her..saying to himself or maybe even to her..."Don't feel bad about this OW and self. My wife "let me go". Now we can start building our life together." YUCK..

As the others have stated...Yep..you should "let him go" alright but by stepping into PLAN B...that involves a letter that states that you love him and are willing to reconcile when he gets rid of the OW. You are in charge of this type of "letting go". This is YOUR PLAN.

How about telling him that you will agree to a LS but only if HE MOVES...

He may think that you are "letting him go".

Once he finds a place and has moved out, then give him the PLAN B letter.

I don't think it's a smart idea for you to move from both emotional and legal perspectives.

You are letting his drama dictate what you do.

Let your needs dictate your actions.

1. He wants his ring back....he can have HIS RING. The one on your finger belongs to U.

2. He wants to wait 6 months? That's WS babble. What do U need to do for U? Wait 1 month? Now? U decide.

3. Order of Protection. If you need it enforce it. If it leaves a track record on him so be it. He outgh to bear some scars for all the mess he's caused.

Btw, my WS got jail time due to DV charges brought on by the police (which he called in a WS attempt to have me arrested....go figure. LOL!!). Now that an 3 year RO is on his record. That's the scar from his A.

Don't ask him what t/d with the order. U do what u need t/d.

4. Do NOT give up your residence. Instead let it be known (by setting your boundaries) that your family home does not tolerate WS' and their WS attitudes. If it causes him to move out so be it but you keep your values where you need it. You want your H back, let him know this but NOT with the trailings of the WS. If the WS can't be left at the curb or in the next town, then H can't come in your home.

Can do?

L.

The wedding band is meaningless right now.

If he's like my H was, he pulls it off when he is with her.

Try not to think about the ring issue.

ChaCha, I know I need to do Plan B and I'm working on preparing for that finanacilly. I will be contacting my attorney to get guidance from her on this.[/quote]


I wrote one a while back but think I'm going to start over from scratch



Yes both my sons are grown and I take responsbility for my oldest son being here.

When oldest son asked me if he could come home I told him he had to talk to H. I believe son was only suppose to be her for about three months to help him get back on his feet. It's now been over a year. I feel paztially responsbile for continuing to allow our son to live here while he saved money for a car. I have taken my son out to look for apts but that's about as far as it's gotten. I never put my foot down and told him that he needs to be out by a certain date. Then of course he wound up with custody of his son so that dragged things down ever further. H never said a word about son leaving either so I thought things were okay and was hoping to let the Housing Assistance kick in before son had to move. I now see, that in H's opinion I went back on my word even though the agreement was between son and H.


Our youngest son has been more than a handful from the time he was about 12. He is now 21. Yes he has become part of the distance between h and I. I know there were times I felt like leaving but didn't because I didn't want to burden H with our son alone. I'm sure it had crossed H's mind also. (I'm talking prior to him even turning 18)

Currently, I have started to accept that I can not change my son but I don't have to condone or accept his choices. I do not enable him. H still enables our son to much but doesn't see it. So yes, that is a big part of our problems.[/quote]

I keep hoping that as long as H is going to MC'g that things will turn around. I know MC'g in and of itself won't do the trick alone.

H has already said he's not going any place. He won't move out again. So do do plan b I will be the one that has to move. Scarey thought though but running out of choices here.


I was dong great today. I left and was gone for about 6 hours. H was going to take the cat to the vet because I noticed she was not eating. I was thinking they would keep her a few days, give her and IV and she'd be home. I walk in the door and ask how's the cat. H immediately starts crying so I go to him and hold him and found out the cat died while at the vets office. Her heart just gave out. Now of all days that I go off it had to be today. Normally when I'm not at work I'm home but oh no not today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Carnation2,

H has said he's not going anywhere. So unless I leave I don't see a way to Plan B. I do agree though that his not having access to his "toys" would effect him a lot. However, what I was thinking today is, "Do I want H back just because of his toys" or "Do I want H back for me" He's here for his toys now and that's not enough.



Because emotionally, physically and financially, it is draining me to be here at the house. If it was just me here I could handle it as long as H continued to pay the mortgage. Our son (youngest) will not leave. I do not have H's support on making son move. Sometimes I am scared to be at home with my son alone. While he has never touched me physically, I am still scared of him.


Thank you so much. I need them.

Yes it is true I do let his needs dicate my actions. I am so trying to change that.



No I want his ring if he's not wanting to work on us.


Emotionally for me I need to move. I can not continue to live here even if H leaves as long as my youngest son is here.


No the OW took an Order of Protection out against me. I have to go to court July 10th (I think is the date). I feel H got us into this mess by having the affair he needs to get the Order of Protection dropped or be prepared to stand by my side in court.


I have retained an attorney to represent me against the Order of Protection. Going to cost me $500 to have her defend ME.


It is a safety issue for me moving. I do not feel safe with my son here. I plan on having another consultation with the attorney to make sure legally I am proteced should I move out.


I have stated this many times. He even wrote the NC letter before coming back. He Refused to share password to cell phone and email with me. Denied still seeing OW. I have to take my share of part of this though, after he came home I was still LB'g by continually pushing for more than he really was able to give at the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: Leave his ring on him. That's his ring, just as you have yours. There are much bigger issues which require your attention.

RE: Leaving the ring with him will remind him of you. It c/b your ally though this storm.



Orchid: U move out, H moves out....what happens to your son? Can you sell the home and move to another?


Orchid: Thanks for the clarification. U R right to feel the WS needs to get you out of this mess but don't expect him to and don't waste valuable energy trying to teach this lesson to the WS. Instead spend the time to get prepared. Do a background check, and prepare your case to show the OW has intruded on your family home. Focus on how she has threatened your family environment and even make statements like she does not make you feel safe in your own neighborhood. Work with your lawyer on this one. RB may come in handy.


Orchid: Well....part of the casualties of dealing with an A. I told my Xws that part of my healing was for him to spend 3x the $$ on ME that he spent on the A. That wasn't going to cover his debt, just help bring it down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Orchid: Your son is a separte issue. Would you move if your H wasn't having an A?


Orchid: His refussal s/b a platform you can use to make your point of the Xws NOT making you feel safe. I'd use that tool often. As for LBing....well..... u s/b.... you don't feel safe. So what is he able to give vs willing to give?

L.

You are right there Orchid. I knew I shouldn't ask him this it was just the "hurt" inside me speaking. That was why I left the house today so I could get a handle on myself and not LB anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


My thoughts are son stays with H if I go to Plan B. H got away from the drama aruond here and that's what I need to do. Yes the house can be sold but I don't see that happenning unless a D is in the picture and forces the sale.

Orchid: Thanks for the clarification. U R right to feel the WS needs to get you out of this mess but don't expect him to and don't waste valuable energy trying to teach this lesson to the WS. Instead spend the time to get prepared. Do a background check, and prepare your case to show the OW has intruded on your family home. Focus on how she has threatened your family environment and even make statements like she does not make you feel safe in your own neighborhood. Work with your lawyer on this one. RB may come in handy.[/quote]

What is RB? Most of the time I can figure out the abbreviations. I also ordered another copy of S/A since I gave H the last one and didn't want to ask for it back. I have enough information on the OW to prove that she in fact was having an affair with my H. Matter of fact on the Protection Order she listed me as X boyfriend's wife. Strange though how the wording on an Order of Protection can
make someone sound so horrible.

I am hoping with the S/A book I was folling advice from a counselor and was only trying to break up the affair and that it was exposure that I was doing. She said she is afraid of me. (I don't have it in me to hurt anyone physically like she claims she is afraid of me.


That's a great idea, and someday it may work for me. Right now I'm the bad guy in H's eyes so he's not going to do anything for me.


Yes son is a seperate issue and I took a while before I answered this posting because I wanted to ponder the answer before I replied.

If my choice was to have the marraige remain the way it was or I move out, then yes I would move out even without the affair. H was emotionally detached and it was getting more and more difficult to be here anyway.

If I could do things the way I wanted to and what I suggested to H was that we work together to do whatever it takes to help our boys become independent. Starting with the oldest one first. I had suggested that we contribute $200 a month towards rent so our oldest would have an easier time affording a place of his own until he either gets enough of a raise to handle it or Housing Assistance comes through for him. (I was trying to follow the POJA) I got no reply from H. (H addmitted in MC'g that he has never really accepted our oldest son as his son). He was mine from a prior marriage and H adopted son when son was 3 years old. (fog talking? or truth? not sure I want to know. I think part of it is our oldest is a slow learner and it was difficult for H to understand)

So here are my further thoughts, Help me do a GREAT Plan A. I can't give a time limit on it at this point. When I was trying to do one, I was LB'g as often as I was adding points. Which we all know doesn't work.

I'm going to go on the presumption that H is not still in the affair and that he is in withdrawal and fog talking.
The reason I say this is because tonight is Sat night and H is home. He is going to grill tonight for us.

I am going to talk to my counselor about going on AD's. The thought of doing this scares the bejesus out of me since I know what it did to me last time I was on them.

I know my moods have been so up and down and it's confusing me so much that I can't imagine how it affects others.

I am going to try to add as many LB points as I can. H is sleeping on the couch and I'm thinking I may just let him know that he's welcome to sleep back in our bed if he wants to. In other words let him know he's welcome to but not take offense if he doesn't.

MiMi- Let's fight. I'm not going to give up on this yet. I can't. I love him to much to do that. I am not a quitter and not going to start now

I now also have my nephew in town so he may be another source of emotional support I will have should I need it. I just don't like putting my issues in front of family. H doesn't really know my nephew so it's not like nephew can will have any effect there but he may be a support system for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RB - reverse babble. Sorry thought u knew that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Take a look at His Needs/Her Needs also by Dr Harley. You can also get it at Borders or Barnes/Noble type stores. That one helps us see HOW to communicate with our mates. That will help so the Xws has less to grumble about. I learned to communicate with H on a level he relates to. Now I can even express my emotions without getting kicked in the teeth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks Orchid. I've got HN/HN's. I'll take it out and re-read it.

I'm actually excited about doing this. There are so many things now I want to do for myself and now I have the time to do them. (Piano Lessons) as soon as this semester of school is over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I truely think I'm finally on the right track as far as turning things around.

Question for you, is there or how should I bring up the Order of Protection Court date that is coming up. I don't want to LB this one but I think H should know my feelings about it. Or do I say nothing and wait and see if he shows up in Court and supports her side or my side or what?

Leslie, does your H know about the Order of Protection ? I would very nicely ask him if he would accompany you to court so that the two of you can show a united front for the OW if she is there and to the judge.

I believe that in order to get to them through the thick fog - you have to be very, very sweet.. Just the way I went about it. You can do it !!!

Prayed for you in church today, carnation

Yes he knows about it. The day I was served I left him voice mail and told him.


There in lies the problem. H and I are NOT a united front. Babble talk I hope but he said he just wants me to let him go. He has also told me that I am trying to ruin the OW's life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Never mind the pain both of them put me through.

Right now I'm the only one here working on our marraige. H is here physicallly but that's about it. But to focus on the good things (which I'm struggling to keep positive) he is home.

[Prayed for you in church today[/quote]

Thank you carnation for the prayers. I've also asked a few other people I know to pray for me. Mayve with enough faith and prayer I will have the strength to get through this. I'm trying to remain positive and just make it through each day with a smile on my face.