Ok, so here's the skinny as condensed as I can get it. I found out on Mother's Day that WW was still in contact with OM. Having already told WW 7 weeks ago what I would do if she didn't knock that nonsense off, I went to chat with her commander about a no contact order.

The squadron is VERY pro family, active spouses group, etc etc. I spoke with the squadron commander briefly on the phone on Sunday but ended up having to meet with his DO on Monday because he was going to be TDY for a little over a week. I had all my ducks in a row. This is OM, this is where he's stationed, blah blah, I went on about not wanting to create bad paper, etc, not wanting to ruin careers, just wanting to rebuild my marriage. DO explained that he understood that but ultimately, the decision of what to do about violations of UCMJ articles was up to the commander.

So, that was Monday 5-15. On Tuesday 5-16 she gets called in to DO's office. There's the DO, his XO, the shirt and WW supervisor. WW gets mirandized and is given a verbal no contact order. She's also told to set up an appointment with legal so she can meet with a JAG so she'll have someone for her defense! Wednesday 5-17, she's called back into DO's office and is read the written no contact order. We had MC Wed night, which completely sucked for obvious reasons. Not that it has any bearing that I know of, but her promotion date to O-2 was Mother's Day. She's prior enlisted with almost 14 years and a clean record.

So, this brings us to today. She has her appt with JAG this morning, which means she has to miss DDs 5th grade graduation. And of course, that's my fault as well. She about made me laugh in MC Wednesday night. She said it was clear that my prefered method of punishing her was tattling. I told her that the only thing that was clear was that her paramour was more important to her than her career, her children and her husband. MC asked her if that was true and WW couldn't respond. But I digress.

Her Squadron commander gets back to his desk on Tuesday 5-23, at which time he'll be back briefed about this and WW will be called in to his office to review DO's orders (reopening the wound), make sure the no contact order is understood, etc. Now I know this man. He and I are on a first name basis. Our kids have played together, I've had his family to my house when both he and my wife were deployed. I've got a relationship with him. It's not my belief that he will push the button that ends WW career. I can't get WW to believe that though. It certainly wasn't my understanding when I sat down with the DO that this would ruin her career.

But wait, this gets better... The first week of June, her squadron commander is making a lateral move on the same base and is being replaced with a new commander, so, WW has to report to him and go through the whole song and dance again and is REALLY mad because even though she's lost the respect of her current commander and DO, they're both making a lateral move, but the first thing the new commander is going to know about her is this.

I'm not second guessing my decision. I can't rebuild my marriage as long as OM is in the picture. I can say with a certainty that OM will have been dressed down, mirandized and sent to legal by end of business today. I just didn't realize they had to go through all that. Is that normal? Being mirandized and all? Sent to legal? Additionally, how do I cope with all of that?

WW was just diadnosed with severe depression on Wed and is taking ADs now. Her flight doc told her to go to life skills (formerly mental health) and told her to be back in 3 weeks so he can see how the ADs are doing.

I guess I'm concerned that her commander just might give her a LOR or Art 15. and completely stop her career. I don't think he will because he is a compassionate man, know my kids by name. He's got a clock I made hanging in his house. I don't think he's going to make bad paper for her, but I'm looking for reassurances. Any input you've got would be helpful.

I don't think CC will give her any kind of punishment at this time, simply because she hasn't yet disobeyed the order she was given. If they were going to use the general order on adultery or the "conduct unbecoming" provisions of the UCMJ at this time, she would have informed of their intention to do just that. Instead, they gave her an order to not contact the OM. THAT is the thing they are concentrating on right now.

What they DID do is give your wife a REAL strong hint they are considering coming down hard on her if she doesn't get her…stuff…together. They took extraordinary precautions to make sure she had legal assistance in advance of any action the CC might take. They are undoubtedly documenting everything, dotting every "i" and crossing every "t." If she goes over the line, I suspect they are going to pull the trigger on very strong administrative or even judicial punishment.

If all that makes sense to you too, I'd let your wife in on your reasoning. She needs to understand it thoroughly. Nothing has happened yet to damage her career, but her career is definitely in her hands to make or break. If she even calls him to "say goodbye," she can probably forget about a future promotion to O-3. Since OM is getting the same treatment, he might turn her in for calling him.

Side note: her comment about "tattling" is interesting. She knows she did something wrong, but she's reacting to it (and exposure) as a child would. The fog is surely a terrible thing to watch.

Keep on refusing to apologize for exposure. Tell her you did it to break up the adultery...don't use the word affair...and keep your family together. You're sorry her CC and the DO had to take this action but SHE is the one who brought it upon herself. If she hadn't committed adultery, there would be nothing on the CC's desk to review Monday morning. None of this will mean anything to her right now, but you can hope the strong action by her CC will help break the fog quicker than in the civilian world and she'll once again be able to reason logically.

Hang in there, pardner. I suspect your home life will get even rockier for a while until she's well into withdrawal. She should be going into that stage soon because the OM is going to be HIGHLY motivated to pull out of this arrangement. That fantasy world has surely been shattered, hasn't it? Good work, Drex. Kudos!

Drexxell,

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I do.

You did exactly the right thing. What you have done is place responsibility for her affair, her career, and her family squarely in her hands. That is where it should have always been and where it belongs right now. It is the way things should work, and Longhorn is right the path down is already paved for her by her superiors dotting all of the "i's" and crossing all of the "t's".

She is going to be mad, withdrawn, and generally not much fun now. So plan on focusing on the kids and your life for awhile.

God Bless,

JL

Oh, I haven't kept anything from her at all. I told her within an hour of talking to her CC what I had done. Not that I was bragging about having done it, but her DO and I passed her in the hallway while he was escrting me out! I figured the jig was up so when she called me later that day, I spoke freely with her about it. Turns out, serendipity was blind! She didn't see me at all!

The bad part about that was that it took the DO 36 hours to get everything in place to be ready to issue the verbal order, i.e. calling legal to make sure he wasn't doing anything wrong, getting evidence from me, etc.

I told her then and reaffirmed it in MC on Wed night that I did it to get OM out of the picture. BTW, OM is an O-4 and a pilot, married, no kids. I was very clear that I couldn't work on reconciliation until the third wheel was gone. DO and I both told her that what happens to her career now is up to her. If she thought I was kidding before about talking to CC, she knows otherwise now.

I'm sure she's going to be upset for quite some time. I know she's got the withdrawal bad because she was calling out OMs name in her sleep the other night. (rolls eyes)

Thanks for the assurances. That's what I thought was going on, but I wanted to be sure. And still, there's no certainty until CC gets back on Tuesday, but the DO was very supportive. He made it clear that I was a part of the unit and as far as help went, the unit treated WW and I as equals. Either one of them would be foolish to continue after this. The DO told me if she violates the no contact order she probably won't be an officer in the USAF any longer. Yeah, they're holding a heavy hammer, they just haven't swung it yet.

I have not apologized for the exposure one bit and I don't plan on it. Shortly after I talked to DO, I responded to an e-mail from her mom about something else, but then let her know I had talked to the DO and what the potential ramifications could be, etc. Keeps WW from putting some kind of nasty spin on it later.

Here's what I'm really afraid of. We work through all of this or get to a point where everything isn't so terse and everything seems to be going fine and as soon as the weight of this starts to be lifted off of my shoulders, I collapse completely and have a mental breakdown. I'm strong now because I have to be. There's no other option. I have myself and my kids to look out for, and now be extra supportive of WW while she overcomes whatever issues it is that she's dealing with.

IC told me yesterday that it doesn't sound to her like the issue is with me. There's something WW has to deal with before she can move on to have a healthy relationship with anyone. MC thinks so too. IC put an interesting spin on it though. She said to treat it like a manifestation of a physical ailment and give the meds and therapy an opportunity to work. You wouldn't walk out on your spouse who was diagnosed with Parkensen's or the like.

I'm dreading this so called "6 month" mark where the BS suddenly decides it's his/her turn to feel and be validated. It scares me to think that 4 months from now I could be acting like the one who wants to leave.

To add another twist to all of this, WW and I have dancing lessons tonight! Rather hard to make heads or tails of anything at the moment. Thanks for the input. Feel free to leave more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pardner, sounds like you have a good handle on things. The analogy your IC used suggesting your WW has an illness, for instance, is right on. Here on MB, we refer to an "addiction," but the analogy holds true quite nicely for other interpretations along the lines of a physical disability or injury too.

Believe your IC when she tells you the issue your WW is using to justify her adultery has little or nothing to do with you. You did NOT cause her adultery. That was her own cruel, self-centered choice and hers alone. At the same time, while there's no doubt you didn't cause the adultery, you may not have done all you could to prevent it. That's what Plan A is all about.

Look at Plan A this way. While you're taking special care to not deliver LB's, make disrespectful judgments, or make demands...you're also working on you. You're doing that because you want to be the best person you can be. A by-product of that is you become more attractive to WW, but a side-effect is exactly what it is.

In other words, during this time, don’t neglect yourself. You need to spend a little more time in the gym? Do it. Tone up, lose weight if you need to, and let the exercise vent your frustration in a safe area. Exercise makes anyone feel better. For instance, I lift weights. It’s enormously satisfying to horse around more and more weight as your conditioning improves. Check it out.

Other things you can do are to take that online course in whatever has interested you for years, or take a few hours at the local community college. Read that classic you’ve always meant to, perfect your putting skills, learn a new language, etc., etc. In short, keep busy, stay productive, and improve yourself. Get the picture? Staying busy and focusing on positive things about yourself will help you get by the “six-month” hump and the collapse you talked about.

FYI, betrayal in a marriage has distinct similarities to a death of a loved one. In a sense, the trust and innocence of your marriage has died. Ask your IC about the five stages of grieving, if she hasn’t already brought them up. You’ll be amazed how closely they apply to what you’re going through.

The problems in your marriage are terrible. It may be the single most destructive thing you will ever face. If you haven’t already, go to your doctor and get on some anti-depressants to help level out your mood. That’s why AD’s exist.

I think you need to stay with your IC. Don't let her get away. It sounds like she has excellent insight into the problems associated with adultery. Be open with her, pardner. Tell her you are concerned about getting to the six-month point and letting everything dissolve in angry outbursts and self-defeating acts. Get it all out in the open so she can help you deal with it.

Have you considered IC for your children too? They are all three old enough to recognize exactly what is going on. My youngest daughter was four at the time of her mother’s adultery and my daughter knew what she saw wasn’t right. It caused a bad rift between them years later, FYI. They didn’t speak for years and are still not on good terms.

You exposed to your daughters, right? Dr. Harley is adamant children need to know what is happening, if for no other reason than children in their position habitually begin to blame themselves if they don’t understand the strife they are seeing in the family.

The fact the OM is an O-4 in a flying slot is encouraging to me. In my experience, pilot O-4’s want to be flying O-5’s (or on staff somewhere) really bad because their current rank gives them just enough of a taste of the heady wine of command to make them want more. I may be wrong, but I think this buzzard is going to drop your WW like a hot rock because it’s endangering his career plans.

Hang in there. The dancing lessons superimposed on that “Sword of Damocles” hanging over her head is just one example of the dichotomies that will keep popping up in the recovery of your marriage. Don’t let them bother you. None of them are your doing.

Drex - very impressive.

Please consider describing your "exposure adventure" in an appropriate spot in the "Affair Exposure 101" link, below, for the benefit of others who might be able to plagiarize your experience for use in their own cases.

LH,

Exposing to the kids is a source of contention. We've told DS 14 that we're having problems and we're getting professional help. He's a touchy one. He's from WWs first marriage. He was 2 when they divorced. I've raised him and am currently adopting him in the midst of all of this.

He's been in IC before because of anger issues stemming from her divorce and blaming himself, etc. His bio father remarried, divorced, remarried and is almost in divorce again. DS14 thinks he's the worlds savior and is taking that weight onto himself also. He's been seeing the school psychologist.

I'm certain the other two are old enough to understand what's going on. We haven't told them anything, though. Both the MC and the IC think it's bad juju to do it right now. They say let them grow older and look at court records if we divorce and find out that way. Then they can be a mature angry and deal with it better. I don't know. I think age appropriate info is fine.

Here's the way I look at it. We reconcile, there's no reason for the kids to know anything and we might tell them when we're older that we overcame infidelity, but not to what degree. We don't reconcile and we divorce, I think the kids should know why. I am fence sitting on that though. I'm certain I don't want my kids to think that their mom is a ho. Kinda like seeing your mom in a porn movie. It will taint you for ever.

DS6 is already going to have issues when he finds out I'm not his father. That'll probably happen in the next 6 years when he takes biology in school. WW and I agreed that if we know he's going to find out, we tell him first so he doesn't find out from his biology lab. (kids are doing blood typing in 5th grade now)

DS6 has some kind of mommy issue, though. Ever since WW has been back from her deployment, DS6 has been calling her by his teacher's name. Granted, the teachers name starts with M and sounds a lot like mommy so I don't know how much of that is her not being present, but that's tearing WW up too.

MOST of the time I'm upbeat and productive, getting things done, cooking dinner, cleaning house etc. Job interview on Tues. Meeting with Financial Aid folks on Monday for the local community college. Already been accepted and transcripts done, etc. Not sure I want to go ADs yet. When and if I have a bad moment, it only lasts a few hours and it's really nothing that I can't logic myself out of. Problem is, Logic and emotions don't speak the same language.

WAT,

I'll take the story to the other link Monday probably. You're welcome to C&P it if you like. I'm usually not on here on the weekends and I'm about to be gone for the evening in just a few. She just called on the phone 20 mins ago and said she was on her way home so I got about 25 minutes to get things going. She didn't sound particularly upset on the phone, especially considering she was rather cold this morning when she left, probably in anticipation of her upcoming legal appointment this morning. But I'll definately put the story over there on Monday if you haven't done it.

Thanks for all y'alls input. (I don't wanna hear nothin bout my slang either)

Best wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I didn't know the children were hers from a previous marriage. Frankly, I'm not sure how that changes the dynamic. How 'bout calling Dr. Harley's radio show and asking him how to handle that? If you do that and if time permits, let us know in advance so we here on MB could listen. It's an interesting problem. Failing that, a counseling session with Steve Harley may help.

It seems to me the oldest is already taking a lot of this on his shoulders and, not knowing the truth, he may unwittingly blame himself. Emotions aren't logical and he may have discounted the whitewash explanation. Kids have a huge gift for detecting even white lies. I'm concerned even more than I was about the children now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy your weekend.

Drex - Love your work mate.

Don't worry about the 6 month thing. If it happens it happens. We are at 9 months post d-day now and not a sign of it here.... yet!

You are doing great Drex. Your life will start getting better as withdrawal eases.