My husband told me and the grown children he wanted to seperate to figure out his life but shortly after he told us about his "friend". Within one month, we sold our home and gave away our pets and he was living with her. Since then he's come back 3 times for 2-3 days at a time saying he wants to come home and he loves me. We've been married 26 yrs. This all started March 19 (thats when he told me). Last weekend we went to the San Juan Islands together but he lied to her about where he was going. We had a wonderful time, very romantic (i pulled out all the stops but was honest too.) and by the end of the weekend he was talking very sentimental and saying if I leave her, if I come back...etc He told me he is still in love with me and that I definatly have something she doesnt have, that he is in love with her too, that he feels hes trapping himself with her by telling her how he feels about her, that he doesnt think it would work long term, but then he says he knows it would. He says he'll always love me but its over with us...Im not what he wants anymore. He's a christian man and started drinking for the first time in 25 years (he is an alcoholic so i have addiction against me too). He drinks with her. I had an affair 7 years ago but we worked out our marriage thru tis site counseling and church. He's never gotten over it completley I feel and he now feels justified. He knows i want to reconsile but he is in the fog as you say. She was his highschool girlfriend. My husband is also facing death at 52 as he has liver disease is almost on the transplant list. I feel part of this whole thing is hes giving up and gone nuts! He hates that I've taken care of him so much and i feel i make him feel mothered and she makes him feel like a man. What do i do? i just ordered the books from this site. After our weekend he ran straight to her house to spend the night and has been with her since...that was sunday this is friday. He texted me from her house a secret message about our trip. I feel Ive done everything to save this marriage and now hes having both of us so I feel it is time to cut it off. Ive been patient. kind, loving, understanding and forgiving but he cant have us both. I feel its time for plan b although i dont know that i did plan a according to instructions. the last i spoke with him he was angry with me because i called his gf and told her she had alot of nerve to come to my workplace with my husband.(i work at his drs office). He was sooooo angry with me and called me and told me to leave her alone. I know i shouldtve called her but i was so hurt. now i feel i may have blown the whole thing about letting the last thing he remembers about me be kindness. the weekend definatly made a huge impression on him. what do i do now????
teresa

Teresa,
Hello - how are you doing?

Do you know what his EN are? Are you trying to meet them? Don't try and read his mind - it's full of fog anyway. If you don't know what they are - ask him or do the questionaire with him. If you tried that - then you Plan A'd him. If no response - Plan B - go dark - He'll have time to think about what he "really wants".

Is he/you in IC? Did you try MC? He may feel he's got nothing to lose w/ his health conditions (his justification).

As far as calling her - You may not have gone about it the "right" way. Who cares if he got mad - he's a cake eater and is not respecting you. And neither is she - but then again she doesn't know about your weekend together. She thinks she has ever right to disrespect you, b/c she thinks she's the "better woman" for him. You prove 'em wrong! Respect yourself - let him know you felt disrespected by her "visit" and you reacted rather than addressed the issue. Next time, call him and tell to have just alittle more respect for the mother of his children and wife of 26 years - thank you very much. (You have to give respect to get it, right?)

I hope this helped a little

Hang in there!
brown

It's very hard to emotionally distance yourself from your partner when they are sick, despite their Affair. My WH needs a kidney transplant - I think when people are facing life-threatening illnesses, they lose their mind somewhat too. I married 'safe'. Mr Nice Guy, Mr Dependable, Mr Monogamy, Mr Work Hard for a Living. Yet once he found out he had kidney failure, he stopped behaving like a husband and father, became depressed and, instead of seeking help for his state of mind, threw himself body and soul into an A. I know I mothered him but when a person is sick, you look after them - right. I researched his condition, I monitored his diet, I looked after him because we depended on him.

Out of my care, he rapidly deteriorated onto dialysis. OW has now dumped him and he would like to come home. It's a hard call. The girls and I manage quite nicely without him.

It's unfair on the BS to deal with the health problems once they have screwed up. Try to look upon his behaviour as you would any other adulterer. It's very easy to make excuses for someone because you feel sorry for them.

The drink issue is HUGE if he needs a new liver. He is self-destructing. He needs professional help and you should encourage him to get it. TT

Heres a new twist...he called me at work today as soon as OW left to tell me he misses me and is thinking of me. He called me again after work to tell me he's really confused and is having trouble letting me go, that our relationship is deep while relationship with her is "surface but intense at this point" and he knows hes in the throngs of things and in midlife crisis. HE wanted me to know he loves me and will always love me no matter what decsion he makes but feels he cant trust coming back to me because I could leave him again..no guarentee he says. I hurt him badly by my affair 7 yrs ago and again recently when I was going to leave him over his prescription drug addiction. He asked how we could possibly rebuild the marriage with so much hurt and scars and I wish I'd had a recovery plan but didnt. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!I feel he wants to come back but is terrified of rejection and OW is desperate...going thru messy divorce of her choosing after 30 yrs....she wants the security of a man...my husband and shes not going anywhere. How I hate her!!!!! I told my husband I had to set a boundry and couldnt see him or talk to him anymore until he comes to a decsion. Thats when he said he'll always love me no matter what he chooses. I'm so scare he'll choose her for his own security instead of come back. I feel I've done all in my power to prove my love to him and I told him that short of dying to prove it theres nothing more I could do or say, he has to decide if hes going to believe me or not. I was kind and loving and told hm I loved him and was praying for him and would continue to pray for him whichever choice he made. I love this man of mine and am determined that the dark side isnt going to have him. What do you make of the things he told me??? He also said he isnt willing to give her up at this point.

tuit,

From what you posted, he is in a good place from your perspective but not from his WS perspective. Life ain't purty in paradise...... LOL!!!

Where are you on the expsoure part? How about a thank you card for something he did for you on the trip? Like if he gave you flowers? Maybe your co-workers can mention it in front of the OW when he comes on his next visit or you can send a note to him (leave it in his truck)......

See there is no trust in an A. The OW is living on the edge. Wanna push her off? You should, what may come back is her as a real person and not an OW. Either way you don't deserve for her t/b an OW.

The fact that he is confused c/b played to your family's advantage. If you are strong enough to enact a solid plan B, he will see what he is losing.

Is he using the prcoeedes from the house sale to finance their A? Is she using him for his $$? Is she trying to get on his life insurance and medical coverage policies?

How are your finances protected from the OW? She is going through a D. That's not your problem. But creating havoc in the A....that's c/b your challenge. I call them 'LBs from afar'. This is where the BS skillfully plants thoughts or things in or around the WS that when the BS is not around (like when the WS goes back to the A lair), the OW who is always suspicous.....will just LB herself.... Oh yea....she makes him feel like a man, just wait until she treats him worse than a caged pet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

R U ready for plan B? Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Can you call Steve H @ MB for a plan? Have you read His Needs/Her Needs? Btw, your A is in the past, he can't use it to justify his....if he does, he is an azz.

Make sure your have id'd your boundaries and can implement them. It s/b a short list. Make sure your mind and heart are in sync. Then you w/b ready, set to go......

JMHO,
L.

I have tried to push her off the edge and cause mistrust. I arranged his kitchen for him knowing only a woman would know another woman set it up, I hung pics in his apt at my eye level, I bought him a few outfits, bedding etc. I left notes allover the apt saying I ws looking forward to the island, makinglove, etc..I put pics of us in various places, left my jacket in the trunk..got him a tee shirt that said "what happens on the island stays on the island"...any woman will figure this out! Before he left she told him have fun on the island if thats where you're really going. He left his phone home and she called hundreds of times. As for money, she will much more than him at the sale of her houes. We were only in ours 3 years and had no savings. I am concerned about his retirement. CAn she get this if he divorces me? He hasnt mentioned divorce but implied it yesterday somewhat weakly. Said I would be free to marry if he left. He told me he feels panicked at the thought of getting trapped into marriage with her. She asked to move in with him but he didnt want her to at least a few weeks ago. I laid hands on his bed and prayed over it (beautiful 4 poster king size that she bought him but hadnt been in yet) and told him I prayed and asked God to save this bed for me and him. Then I climbed in and said I was the first in it! I found her nightie, bra and shirts in his closet and threw them out while he was sleeping. She left a pic of the tow of them in his front door window knowing I would see it. I asked him about and he was so surprised and asked if I thought she would really do something like this! I told him how hurt I was by it. IT tells me she must suspect something or she wouldnt be trying to get at me. What do you all think?

Also, she has him on hr cell phone plan. When I got my cell he asked me to get cingular too so we could talk free. I'd never had one so didnt know about the billing etc. I didnt have good reception on mine so switched to T mobil. I'm wondering, since my hub and I talk almost everyday and its usually him who calls me, wont this show up on hr bill? He sends me text mssgs and I send him. She didnt know my cell # until I called her recently. If shes smart she'll save it and check it against her bill. I sure would. This could work in my favor if she starts demanding he not call me or it could work agaisnt me as he wont be able to. He doesnt want anyone telling him wht to do right now so I feel he wil lrebel against any control she puts on him.