Hello. I've only been married just under 3 years. I'm 34 and my wife is 30. We just moved to her hometown where she started a new job.

She was sent away for one week's training last week and shortly after coming back has said she wants to separate. She said she was never happy and that things aren't working out.

I thought something was up so I stooped to looking at her email. She has been emailing/phoning a man (42) she met on the course and it would seem had sexual relations with. He lives in Portugal, we are in Ireland.

He's been saying he'll come over or they should move to Portugal or Australia together, etc. He seems quite manipulative but my wife is loving every word.

I haven't confronted her yet but plan to do so. I was thinking I'd just state what I know and ask her to cut off communication. I think she will storm out and that'll be the end of things. Is there another approach I should take? If I don't confront her soon I fear I'll just blow up later. I offered to go to marriage counselling but she didn't seem interested. Her mind seems to be in another place completely.

Here is a sample email after I told her I was willing to change to meet her needs (she said I don't communicate enough). She is eating up every word he says and his message below takes the wind out of most of what I was going to say:
----
Unfortunately, I understand your dilemma. My ex-wife did the same to me. She promised to change so many times and nothing happened. And I just don't understand why people wait for the moment when one says "Bye, that's The End" to beg and (re)promise a new life. Can't cope with that, I hate
inertia, apathy, just hate it... Yesterday night, after your SMS, I had that "bad feeling". I was so tired but I couldn't sleep. I waked up very early, feeling like before I went to
Amsterdam: so sad, so lonely, kind of hopeless...
I am sorry to put "pressure" on you. I can not afford to simply loose you.
You have to know how COMMITED I am. You and I was, really, the most fantastic thing that happened in my 42 years of life. Although I have been in love before, I never had the chance to feel like this. It's an amazing feeling, an un-understandable ecstasy, I was so, so happy!
I will be with you anyway, even if I loose you. I want you to be happy but pain is hard to support and makes me selfish. But you have to know that I will make all efforts to win and deserve a fantastic person like you are.
--

Thanks

Hello USA.

I am not an expert, but I would do PLAN A for a couple of days and would get prepared for "confronting", but not really in a confronting way, talk HONESTELY and in a calm way with her.

Be srtong, don't let her blame you for the A but take your responsability (50%) on what was not good on tour relationship, appoligise for it but don't let her blame you for her Affair.

He seams pretty much crap and she can't see it, all his talk feels just like comming from a looser experienced on telling her what she wants to hear, And the "your the ONE" kind of talk it's really just to "justify" the affair and put away any rational thinking.

I hope there you will have more support from the experience people here. They can help you define a plan.

FOr now please read all you can here, and go PLAN A. Wait a bit till "confrontation" so you will be more prepared for what's comming.

If you don't get much response here, PLEASE post on General Questions, more people posting there. Also weekends tend to be more calm.

Read all MB principals, before moving on.

I know how hard it is to PLAN A, be loving and supporting when she is still betraying you and you are so hurt, even if only by mail, for now.

Be srtong, show her how much you love her and how good your Marriage can be. She's now looking to have in fault and will be provoking fights at nothing, don't be angry, just show her love and support.

Tell her that you really missed her while she was gone and that you realised that your Marriage should/ could be better, that there are "things"that can be better, and that you want to talk to her about it and improve it.

Hang in there.

Continue the snooping and use anything she says to improve your actions towards her and your M.

It will be very hurtfull to read, but take in consideration that she's in FOG and trying to justify her actions making you the BAD guy.

As my H now says, well, since there is nothing really, it's just a fantasy, when chating or mailing everything has to be a drama.

Is totally IRRATIONAL that she's in love for a guy she met for a week, it's the fantasy, the guilt now trying to validate it.

Thanks for the reply. Ok, the other guy just sent my wife a picture of their clothes on the floor obviously from their week together. Should I contact him directly? He's divorced and I have no contact details for anyone except for him directly.

Going crazy!
Thanks

Don't go crazy, stay calm, I know how hard it is, I have been there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please Plan A, as in treat her very nicely, SHOW her how good things can be between you two. Just for a couple days.

Read all you can. Prepare yourself for "confrontation". She'll come up with all the FOG WS talk.

You are in advantage. You are there in person to meet her needs. He's a scumbag and can only reach her by mail now.

Just a couple days, see how she reacts.

Unless of course you feel prepared to confront her now.

In that case... plase BE nice and calm. Show control and rationality on your feelings.

How was your marriage previous the trip?

Thanks lostwillow.

I think I have to confront her now because she is leaving and I probably won't see her again for a long time. I have been treating her extra nice for the last few days but her emails to him make me out to be a fool who doesn't comprehend that she's leaving. She has been avoiding me completely so I'm not seeing her even though she's in the sam house.

I think I should mention that I know of the affair before she does go. At least then she'll know I was still nice and am willing to work on things. Does that make sense?

I made up a letter to give her. Any thoughts:

My feelings about your relationship with P are very painful and I feel betrayed. I never thought that I would have to go through such an experience. I have been trying to suppress my feelings of hurt around you but they are overpowering.

I do understand how we got into this situation and I do forgive you for what happened. I want to focus on the future because I love you and you are important to me. I can only ask that you understand how painful your contact with this person is to me.

I want 'us' to work and think that we should give 'us' a chance first. I do not feel that we can begin to recover our marriage if you continue to contact P. In my position I think you would agree and for the benefit of our marriage I would like to ask you to stop doing so. I realize your situation is also painful and the choice is yours to make.

I want us to create the marriage we both want. I love you and I have faith in our marriage. This is a painful time for both of us and I want you to know that I am committed to our marriage and will work through our issues.

-----
Thanks again

There were definitly problems before the trip. She has been distant for a long time and to be honest I'm not suprised by what happened in a way. She says I'm a good friend but there's nothing else between us anymore. She said that I don't communicate well but when I try to find out why she's not interested in me she never says. There hasn't been any physical contact for a while. For example, whenever I would try to kiss her she would often only let me kiss her on the forehead. I might give her the emotional needs questionnaire but she probably won't be interested.

I wish I had found this site a long time ago.

She's leaving? Another work trip? Are they going to meet?

Talk to her but dont tell her "I do understand how we got into this situation and I do forgive you for what happened."

What you have to tell her is more like:

"I do understand how we got into this situation, I am willing to change where I was wrong and willing to work on saving our M." I know we have all we need to make it work. I am not promising anything or making false promisies, I do want to built a better M, we can to it both, This is a wake up call for both of us.

Something more in this lines.

SHE"S the ONLY one to BLAME for her AFFAIR. If there were problems she should have talk to you first.

She needs to feel guilty, she needs to feel bad about what she has done, don't be mad, but call her senses, her values. Don't let her BLAME you, and be carefull and calm, when she tells you, It's over, He's my soulmate, I need time, I need to think, I love you but not in love with you, etc.

However the talk goes, don't leave the house or let her leave, with the excuse of needing time. If any of you leave how can you do PLAN A?

Show her this site when you have a chance, or tell her about MB principlas... but then, maybe it's too early, she's now fogged, an Alien. She's totally out of reality <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's hard for her to get out. The only good thing is that the A is recent and with a total srtanger, not much attacment yet.

Don't beg her, show srtengh in you. If she see you begging she wont value or respect you.

Thanks lostwillow. Less than an hour before she gets home. She's planning on moving to her parents. I expect her to grab her bag and go when she gets here. I don't think I'll be able to stop her but will give her this letter first. I fear that once she goes out the door it'll be over because the OM will be calling and emailing her all the time.

wish me luck!

How about putting the letter in her bag in case she completly avoids you?

Have you spoken to her parents about this yet? About why she is moving home? If you haven't get on it right now! I can guarantee you that she already has a story for them about how you've "abused" her.

She will seek to portray her affair partner as her "savior" and normalize her relationship with him in front of her folks!

Stay Strong!

What you need to do right now is EXPOSE. You need to expose her "dirty" little secret to ANYONE who can put pressure on her to stop this damaging behavior. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Prime exposure targets are: Her folks / relatives , your folks / relatives, OM's relatives, Her / OM's workplace supervisors, Her / your friends, and your Clergy.

Affairs THRIVE in darkness. Exposing them to the light of day is the begining of the end for most affairs.

Be preparred, she will not be mad about this. She will be FURIOUS! She will scream at you that she can never trust you again, you've blown it now she's not even going to try, she's going to divorce you, etc... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

ALL exposed WS's do this. It is stright for the WH handbook.

Remember this: Your M CAN survive her temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

Stay Strong!

Hang in there. These affairs never last. Stay in Plan A, and show her what a wonderful husband you could be. Keep reading and posting here to get through this.

USA99,

Take copies of the emails and photos to her parents and tell them of her Affair. Ask for their help in saving the marriage IF that is what you want to do. Also tell her you know, and you know who the guy is. You cannot force her to do anything, but you can make her face the reality that you KNOW she is an adulteress, and that she needs to end this affair before she harms herself more than she can possibly realize.

As for what they say to one another, it is pure "fog" and justification. That will come to a halt soon, but only if the affair is exposed to the light of day.

Expose now, and expose to her parents. If nothing else call them and tell them what is up and what you know.

Good luck, and God Bless,

JL

I agree with the others, please expose, right away! This will be the beginning of the light of day shining on their tawdry behavior. IT won't seem so romantic any more and that will happen quickly. The hiding won't be exciting, it will become very burdensome.

As LW said, tell her you understand that you have not been meeting her needs in the M, but that you love her and want your M to work. Explain that this takes both of you committed to this. You BOTH need to communicate what you would like to see changed and make an effort to meet each others needs. It is a good bet that she wasn't meeting all of your needs, but you are not resorting to an A. Be calm and tell her that to be fair to all involved, she needs to cut off all contact with OM, immediately. She is completely unable to see your M as it really is when she has the A fantasy to compare it to. Fog, fog!

If she insists upon leaving, maybe you could ask her to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. This might break through the fantasy as well.

Do not tell her you are going to expose---just do it. If you tell her first, she will run to everyone first, and paint you as a crazy loon, so that no one will believe you.

Thanks all. She has now gone to her parents but she says it's only for a few days. She promised not to contact the other man and not to talk to him if he calls.

I confronted her about the affair yesterday. She initially denied it but then said it was not physical and that they only talked a lot. I was a big wimp and didn't admit that I knew there was more to it than that. When I said I knew his name she stormed off but we had a chat later. Thanks to all the advice here I managed to remain calm and mostly upbeat even though I was dying inside.

I know that I should have told her that I knew everything and really regret not doing so. She started questioning if I hacked into her email/spying on her/etc and I wimped out and said I only saw something in the browser cache. The thing is though, if I say I have access to her email she can lock me out by changing the password and I won't be able to tell if she really has broken off contact (she reads email at her workplace).

I thought the chat we had went well and I do think she is considering trying to make our marriage work. But it's so hard to know what she's thinking now. She could just be playing me for a fool and I so want to believe that she want's to work on our marriage. I don't know if I should let things sit as they are for a few days or do as everyone says and expose the affair (to her parents). My parents know but hers do not.

I was thinking that I'd write a letter to her mother and let her know the full extent of the affair. I'm not sure if I'd get much support though and I'm worried that it would mess things up when it looks like my wife may be willing to try to make our marriage work. I will try to find out if they have any email contact on Monday so I'm thinking I should wait until at least then.

Do you think that exposing to her parents now is a good idea or should I wait a few days? I'm also tempted to call her and tell her that I know there was much more to it. But I sooo want to see her again in a few days and I'd like to know if they make contact on Monday.

Love is terrible isn't it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. If I didn't love her so much I would have already been out the door after finding out.

Thanks

You can almost count on her continuing to have contact. That is just what they do. So don't be surprised.

Stay in Plan A, and you can check Monday and then expose.

99, put a keylogger on her PC while she's gone. It'll log any attempt to change her email or other passwords. Check out the “Spying 101” thread I have a link to in my signature block. There are a couple keyloggers mentioned there, in addition to other methods of conducting an intelligence gathering operation.

Call her at her mother's as long as she's gone. You don't have to talk relationship; discuss matters relating to work, the yard, whatever. Your purpose is to find out if she's actually at her mother's house. Do not depend on her being truthful. Adulterers lie. They do it very well and often. FYI, her detachment you noticed some while back was probably the beginning of her adultery with this guy.

Quit wimping out. From what you've written in your posts so far, I can see it's getting to be a way of life for you. Stop it. Women do not like needy, wimpy guys. It's incredibly unattractive and it’s not going to get your wife back. There’s a link in my signature area to a way to organize your plans to get your marriage back. May I suggest you look at that? I think it will help you with ideas for your own plan.

99, you have to get busy on this or your marriage may well be lost. If you work the MB techniques, you have a chance. It’s not guaranteed but it’s a good chance for recovering your relationship with your wife. If you do nothing, or continue with bits and pieces of a plan, I think you have no chance at all. Which, sir, will you choose?