After years of lies and cheating ... is it normal to find it hard to trust again? Over a year since my ex left I still feel like a victim. I have a new partner - still defining our relationship- how to blend lives t our age. Tomorrow night he chose to go out without me- am I about to travel down the second nightmare relationship? Why am I drawn to guys who start by putting me/us first only to destroy what we built?

YES.

That is why it is often recommended that you wait at least one full calendar year after the actual legal divorce before you date or start another relationship--even a casual one. Some people need longer but the year is minimum if you do not want to bring the emotional garbage of one situation into another. If you have not done this, your new relationship is very likely to crash and burn. Read the book "Dating For Dummies".

Pieta has a point. Time is needed. Also, experience is needed. You need to have positive experiences where your trust turns out to be well placed. However, in order to have those positive experiences, you need to be healed and strong. Otherwise, your panic, concerns, suspicions, etc, bring a different set of problems to the relationship.

I'm not sure you need to wait a calendar year after the divorce is final. I think a year on your own is good.

Have you talked to him about your concerns? I think it's good to share them with him.

What is a partner? It sounds like you two are living together. Is this the case? Or are you dating him?

PS: Consider posting this on the After Divorce Relationships. A lot of us are going through similar stuf.

You probably need to read "Why Men Love B*tches".

NO we do not live together. I share my house with my 3 kids and I am mindful of the havoc their Dad and I have caused in their lives I do not want men (or even 1 man) making them feel less at ease in their own home. So we mainly see each other when my kids are at their Dads place.
A year after divorce - who are we punishing her? I find the house so empty when they leave I don't know how I would cope alone. He fills a very big void for me- I am not sure what I feel for him but know that the aloneness of not having him in my life would be devestating. He does distracts me from dealing with certain issues but maybe i'm not ready and maybe if he helps me heal in other ways and we do 'crash and burn' i will be stronger and more able to deal with me. Am i cluthing at straws?

arty2,

Please be mindful that it sounds like you may be using this guy to try and help heal inner wounds that only YOU should be focused on.Ultimately,and this is just my opinion,you should feel very good in your own skin and be able to be alone( different than lonely)without any trouble because you feel good about yourself,your life,what you want and where you are headed.It should not be dependent upon any other person.If you rely on them they can fail you but if you have your independence first and are self sufficient and secure,no one can take that away from you no matter how good or bad any future relationships go.

Using other's to help fill voids in life is a common thing people do( especially in affairs),but it can be your downfall.Healing should not depend on this man but on YOU.

AB,
I know your right, I must learn to stand on my own 2 feet - be comfortable with who I am, on my own regardless of those around me. Yes, his presence has slowed that process down and yet I am happier in his company than I have been for a long time.
Just to fill you in on my emotional healing and where I am- I do feel good about myself ( I hate my ex with a painful anger- for what he did to my kids even more than what he did to me). I still have no idea what i want or where I'm headed other than to be happy as well as emotionally and financially independant.
So, where to from here? Do I let him go because theoretically I should have gone through some sort of process before I start dating or do I make the most of the fact I have a guy who mostly has supported me through my healing and has showed me that their is a life for me out there and it may even be fulfilling. Healing does depend on me but must I be alone to heal why can't I share my journey.

I'm not saying you should let your guy go but just be aware that if you've used him for your own healing purposes,then one day you may not feel the need to be with him for other reasons.I do believe that healing from affairs and divorce should be alone and by that I mean,not with a romatic involvement.Of course it's great to have the love and support of family and friends and counselors, but it's tricky to be involved with someone and have the basis of that relationship be from pain and suffering and also confusion and sadness.Do you see? This man didn't come into the picture with a healthy secure,independent woman but one that was in turmoil.Yes he may have showed you there is life after all the cr** we go through but that path and what you want in life after all these changes is yours to explore alone.You need to have clarity and being involved with another man can cloud that.

Anyway,it's just my opinion so you can take it or leave it.Just don't let anyone else drive your life ok? Where you are headed is entirely up to you and not dependent on other's.I'm glad too that you feel good about yourself.And I can understand the pain and anger you feel toward your ex.Today was a particularly spiteful and disgusting day with my STBX too and I just wish that I didn't read his e-mails.Oh well,once this D is over with I will be much less likely to ever have to speak to him again if I have my way.

Good luck!

Yeh, I too look forward to having less to do with my STBX. Everytime I get an e-mail, see his partner or even drop the kids to his place- it takes all my energy not to plumett emotionally. Do you share kids with your STBX cos we have 3 and I know I will have this man in my life forever and I will need to learn to deal with him. I am working on not letting him effect me, behaving and feeling as if we are business partners with no emotional connection and the only issue we have is the business of bringing up our children. Would that work for you?

arty,

I also have children with my STBXWH and he lives far away now so I am the primary caretaker.In a way,it's really good for me since I don't have to see him or have frequent exchanges for visitation,etc.But of course my kids had a hard time dealing with the transition of Dad not being around anymore so he could be with the OW.So,I don't rely on him at all for anything (except Alimony/Child support) and he's not the same person anymore so isn't really that giving either.He likes the "set up" we have now as it affords him lots of time to be a bachelor again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

For me,I don't want to even be so called business partners.I just have to cut him off as much as I can.It's painful for me to be in any kind of contact as every time there is,it's a trip down to he** and I always am very affected by it.His mind games,self importance,lies and behavior.It's not healthy for me to be involved with my STBX.I would like it to be different but that's not reality.Besides,I think I have done a really great job, despite it all, of being there for my kids and showing them a strong mom who can weather this storm and be ok.

My life will go on without a man in it,which is not to say that I wouldn't love to find someone who has similar values and desires in life and whom I could enjoy time with,etc.I was a SAHM for a long time and I figure I will just keep on doing what I have been and my STBX can have the usual sporadic input and contact he does with the kids,of his own choice.This decision is not for everyone but after my STBX putting all his needs ahead of everyone else for so long,there was no question that I will do what I feel is right for the kids and myself now.

Just like in Plan B,there are ways to avoid confrontations and meetings with the EX if it hurts you or is unhealthy.If you are comfortable with exchanges and being "business partners" now that is good for you.

AB,
NO, I'm not comfortable with what we have. In fact I am quite jealous of your situation and wish I could ship my STX very very far away and have often dreamt of something horrible happening to him. But the reality is that my kids love him and have every right to love their Dad. He spends most of his energy trying to make it up to them and prove he is a really good Dad despite what he has done to our family. Mostly they believe him cos he is the happy guy who rarely desplines them - and I'm the sad Mum. I know they will work it all out one day and till then I must learn to deal with having him in my life.