I am considering very hard about divorcing my husband, but I have not made any plans yet. In the meantime, I don't have any desire to have sex with him at all. In the past when he would cheat on me, I wouldn't have sex with him for upwards of a month. But eventually he always wears me down. But this time I don't want to at all. I figure there is no way he can really retaliate, right? What could he do to me that he hasn't already done?
How can I say this to him? What words could I use to let him know that at this moment I am DONE having sex with him, for my own health and my sanity and emotions?
. My first thread..but I've been lurking for years...

How about:

"H, I feel betrayed and distraught by your infidelity. I need some time to reassess our relationship. I think it would be best if we did not engage in sexual activity during this time. I'm hopeful to come to a decision soon. Thank you."

I like that... he can be relentless though and will use this as an excuse to start arguing about our relationship. I am wondering how I can say this and then avoid the drama. *sigh* it's almost easier when we just don't talk...talking leads to fighting...

I don't know your full story, but have you tried marriage counseling, other than the 2 or 3 sessions with Dr. H? Any progress with Dr. H?

I'm having a hard time understanding the power balance in your relationship. Your H has been unfaithful on many occasions and yet he will likely argue about your relationship if you tell him you don't want to have sex with him anymore? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Is there any remorse on his part at all? He should be doing ths dishes, laundry, vacuuming, buying you flowers and generally being the perfect H to you right now! Does he want the marriage to continue?

CS

I had two sessions with someone from Divorce Busting. We had a couple of sessions with a counselor from our insurance plan. We talked with Steve Harley 3 times, and we went to Retrouvaille and all the post sessions. But none of it ever helped. It always felt to me as if he was doing this to shut me up. As far as remorse, he has apologized, but in the same breath he will blame me for his actions, or try to change the subject and start focusing on all of my faults and all the things I have done to mess up this relationship.
Whenever these things occur, he will start doing things around the house to make me happy, chores that have been neglected, or remodeling projects that I have been wanting, he will take over disciplining the kids more so that I can have a break from that. He will for a while stop pressuring me or criticizing me about things. (but the longer we go without sex that stops)
These are the things he is willing to do to appease me or "make up"for things. But he won't do other things that I have wanted in the past. We don't exchange Christmas presents anymore, haven't for a few years. We don't acknowledge each others birthdays. Our anniversery passes without any mention (and it's on Valentines day) He won't accompany me on things that I would like to do, unless it is something he likes to do, ie:casinos. To tell the truth that is really the only thing we do together. (I like it too...) but he won't do anything else with me. No movies, has never taken me dancing (even though I had asked for years) no trips anywhere unless there is a casino near by. *sigh* I guess I got off track here.. lol just thinking about how even if infidelity were not an issue in our relationship the fact that I am BORED is a big minus for me. He also has a big problem with me doing things with other people. I have tried to make plans with friends of mine to do things, and 8 times out of 10. he has a problem with it. So this has been a problem for years. He won't do much of anything with me, but then wants to throw a monkey wrench into any plans I make with other people. Sorry for all this rambling.. let me answer your question. He says he wants to stay married. But while he SAYS this, he still continues to seek out other women and lie to me about it. When he is caught he always says he just wanted to make some friends. Some people to talk with. But why are they always women? And why doesn't he want to talk to me and be MY friend? IF it is innocent and I have nothing to worry about.. why does he hide it from me? And for someone that has cheated several times, is this even appropriate?

How about something like:



"Husband,

Your behavior disgusts me. You have had sex with at least (place number here) other women during our marriage. Each time you put my life at risk. You could give me an incurable disease. I do not trust you to protect my health. Until you have a complete physical and are tested and cleared from having contracted any STD I will not have sex with you in any form. Married people do not make a habit of having sex with people outside the marriage. Until I am convinced that you have learned that you can just go pound sand.

Sincerely,

Your Wife.”

Or something like that.

He was tested after he had sex. (he has had one EA, a bunch of flirtations, taking girls out to lunch, hanging out with them, etc and one purely PA)
RIght now I am pretty sure he is flirting with another one because I found a girls number and address in his wallet. Besides not feeling safe, I just don't feel desire anymore. If I say to him "get tested" he will imediately go get a test, show me his clean bill of health and want to start having sex again.
After he had sex with the girl, that's what he did. He got tested as if that was all that he needed to do. He even said something to that effect, about getting the results to me soon so that he can get his sex life back on track with me.
He does not get it. Even if he IS clean, even if he DOES take every precaution not to endanger my health (with "safe" sex) I don't have any desire for him anymore. Over the last few years I have just lost it. I rarely, rarely, enjoy it. Maybe once every couple of months I might enjoy sex slightly. It's not the way it used to be and at this point I don't see how it ever could be. I am not attracted to him anymore at all because of the lies and cheating. *sigh* maybe I should just be upfront and say exactly that...

I've always been fond of the simple answer: "No".


I think you've already got your answer right there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

tired,

It's easy to play victim in situations like this, but let's be fair - you're allowing him to behave the way he's behaving. He's gotten used to having his cake and eating it, and he's not going to stop anytime soon while both options are still open to him.

You have a big decision to make about your life, and it's not necessarily clear cut because you have kids together. Maybe it's time for some individual counseling to help you make a decision that you feel good about?

CuriouslySharp

I agree.. he has gotten used to cake eating... I know this. I know I am weak and let these things happen. Not having sex with him would be a step in the right direction for me, in gaining some strength. Because he always gets what he wants. I need to take a stand somehow..

O.K. Revised letter:

Husband,

Your behavior disgusts me. I am hurt and I am not sure how to stop this loathing I feel when I think of being intimate with you. The thought of having sex with you is repulsive at this time. Until I change my mind you can just go pound sand.


Sincerely,

Your Wife.”


I can't help it . . . I like the pounding sand part.

lol.. the pounding sand thing is putting a smile on my face too!

Hi again Tired...can't remember if I told you this on the other thread or not: I haven't had SF with my H in over 4 years. No, I'm not trying out to become a nun. I'm a real woman, with real needs, but

WH "cut me off" after the birth of our 2nd child b/c I was too fat to be attractive for him. (About 30 lbs above goal weight.)

Then, WH went off and had his affair with a 21 year old, with the typical 21 year old body.

I have told WH unequivocably: NEVER AGAIN. I told him we can work on the M if he wants, but know that we will NEVER be having sex again.

Seems like folks are asking you to temper your answer with "just for now," or "at this time," or "until." I agree with Walkingthesand, Just Say No. He doesn't even deserve an explanation as to WHY. Besides, if you start to answer the WHY, then there is a DISCUSSION. Sort of like dealing with children, if you want to be clear, you need to say exactly what you mean: NO. Not Now. Not Ever.

Some may say this is too harsh, etc., but I think you're just being honest. You're not using sex as a weapon, holding it out there like a carrot, saying, "If you're a good boy, maybe we'll do it." If you close that door, then it's off the table. At that point, if a miraculous recovery happens with the other unmet EN's, then the SF might get back on the table.

Essentially, it's like he's a stranger you've just met in the bar. He comes up and says, "Hey, Bay-Bee..." What would you say? "He11 no!" Now, if you happen to spend some weeks and months with this stranger, you might change your mind, but why does HE have to know that?

JMVHO.

Imanotherone... thanks, that makes perfect, perfect sense to me.

He has a way of working on me and making me feel guilty and scared.
And you are right, anything more than a "no" and gettting up and leaving the room results in a long, maddening, talk with him. He is used to wearing me down...till it is easier for me to give him what he wants rather than endure his endless complaints.

At this time I don't really want to work on this marriage at all.. but I am wondering, if I was, would a man be willing to work on it if sex is not an option for him ever? (as far as he knows...)

I would be interested in knowing what some guys think about that...

I'm not an expert at this, and do not pretend to be. Can't believe you're still with this jerk... just my opinion.... Life's too short.... and a guy who continually messes around, is not worth keeping....

To: Iamtheotherone,

I am curious about your post above. Let me say that I am not at all questioning your right to let your husband have sex with you....but ever again....? I don't necessarily understand how a physically capable and normal person could deny themselves such needs. I would have to question why you would remain living in such a dysfunctional way FOREVER.....Even 4 years...That canNOT be healthy for you either physically or emotionally.

What do you think?

LM

Hobbes1 I appreciate everyones opinion about my situation. I am just torn, I want to end it, but it's scary. It's also scary to imagine this kind of problem going on, and on, and on.. being 40, 50, 60 and still having a cheating husband.

- I'm a guy.

If sex is not one of his needs, he might be glad to stick around and work on a marriage with no sex.

If it is high on his list, why would he stay if he knew it was finished forever?

Remember that Dr Harleys plan for recovering a marriage is to get you to feel those in love feelings - so strongly that you WANT to meet each others needs.

I would guess it's about care and protection.
He does not care for you, nor does he protect your feelings. How can you feel love for someone you fear? Or whose actions you fear?

If he committed to the marriage, took proper care of you, and met your needs, you would feel love for him again in time.

Because your needs are different, and because you and he are "wired" different, he is still comfortable with sex, but you are not. I would guess he doesn't understand those differences, and doesn't understand why he is so repulsive to you. Now, I don't know, but often that is the case. It may be that he knows and doesn't care. If that's the way it is, you really ought to be thinking about what you will do.

Sex from one guys point of view -
Sex is kind of the crowning glory of a relationship. I like huggs, and being close, and affection, but they seem hollow if the sex isn't there on a regular basis. Sex by it self (with out love and affection) would be hollow too. It only works for me when we are both into it, and when everything else is right with our relationship. It's a bonding thing.

Neither one of us has ever been with anyone else. This is a beautiful thing we share together to make the world go away, and be one.

Your H has broken the bond - you don't feel connected to him, and so there is nothing there to share. Unless the bonds of affection, love, care, and protection return, you won't feel attracted to him.

If you have studied much on this site, you know the four rules of a successful marriage as given by Dr Harley - or some would say the four rules for recovery.

Unless your H is willing to live the four rules, there is not much hope of you having loving feelings for him again.

Now, I kind of talked all around your question - here's a blunt answer.
Without sex, what do you have?

I can have someone cook for me, do my laundry, tend my children, and clean my house.

I can go to plays with my brothers, and or sisters - or friends.

( I admit it's much better with my W, but I am making a point, so stay with me for a while.)

It's a package. All of it together. Love, affection, wishpers in the night, dates, laughter, and yes - sex. When things are going right, and when you are in love...... it's a beautiful thing and part of the package.

If he loves you, if he cares about your feelings - he will give you the time you need. If he makes demands, discounts your feelings, tells you to get over it - what do you really have?

Think on this carefully. Don't tell him you won't, if you already know he'll talk you into it within a few months. Don't start the cycle all over again. If it takes being away from him (legal seperation) to make it stick, consider it.

Before you tell him anything, decide what you really want, and what you are willing to do. You need to know that.

The brave are nearly always afraid. Bravery is doing what is best, despite that fear.

SS

"It's a package. All of it together. Love, affection, wishpers in the night, dates, laughter, and yes - sex. When things are going right, and when you are in love...... it's a beautiful thing and part of the package.

If he loves you, if he cares about your feelings - he will give you the time you need. If he makes demands, discounts your feelings, tells you to get over it - what do you really have?"

Well said...

For the record, I really, really, really miss the sex. However, I'm not going to lie and tell my H that it's coming if he behaves and gives me hugs.

Speaking as someone with a pretty high libdo, an obviously very frustrated person, I agree it's a huge loss for many relationships, mine included. I just don't think it's good to dangle it out there.

Sort of like with my kids. They ask me, "can we go to disney world this summer?" I say maybe. Then I'm going to hear them ask every day for the next 6 weeks. On the other hand, if I say, "No." Then I've ended the back and forth. If I happen to find myself with a whole bunch of extra time and money and kind feelings toward my kids, I might go ahead and change my mind. In the meantime, it's not open for discussion, so it saves a lot of resentment.