It's a long time since I've last posted.
Discovered WH A of 3+ years on Feb 14, 06. He left to be with her, but coming home also during week and weekends. He came back on April, saying he broke up with OW. I found out he is still seeing her and still lying. I told him I could not take his lies anymore. I asked him to leave our house until A is really over. He said fine, if that is what I want. We have two kids, 3 and 4.
I know the story is all too common, but this is my life, I feel guilty/ relieved. I want him to come back and don't at the same time. I feel is not in my control at all.
Any advice?

It IS within your control.

You can`t control what your H does but you can control whether you will put up with it or not. I think as long as he knows he has you to fall back on whenever he has a tiff with the OW he`ll continue cake eating.

I would not even consider taking him back until he demostrates serious change and by that I mean complete PROVEN NC with the OW and marriage counselling.

If he won`t do BOTH of those things then don`t take him back. And don`t wait forever on him. Give him a couple of months and then move on.

Did you do any MC before?

Hi estrela,

Did you ever make the bonfire like I suggested? (you might remember me as traicionado.) You are still pretty recent after your Dday. The rollercoaster ride will slow down but I needed about 6 months in my case. If I remember right, you had recently passed your bar exam. Did you sell the house and move like you were planning?

Hi piojitos,
Nice to hear from you. I hope your M is going well.
I did not make the bonfire, just throw away one painting (he got upset) and put the rest in the basement (I stabbed one in a crazy angry night).
We put the house for sale. Nothing yet.
I am a better person than I was before A (more sure of myself, stronger, knowing more what I want/desrve, looking better, knowing I will be happy with or without him).
He decided to come back home. But trust is not there. I feel I will do anything if in the end we are happy together and my kids have a loving family and a loving father (he is much better with the kids than before).
But I don't want to pretend things are OK if they are not. I am impatient. I am afraid of beying hurt - again, "looking stupid" - again - (how could you trust him again?").
He's been nice. We are doing MC. It helps. He keeps saying he wants to try. He's not been going out as much but still goes sometimes. I guess he does not tell me everything. He said it's over with OW, but still talks to her. I asked him many times to stop contact. Silence.
I just send him a loving letter. He just called. Warm and affectionate. But he lied to me as early as two weeks ago about where he was going. Should I forget and start again? I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to believe it will be over.

But I don't want to pretend things are OK if they are not.- I can relate to this. WH wants things to just be happy without any remorse.

I know the roller coaster well just thought I would add that if you are going down, I think the easiest part is the bottom as all you can see is up- work hard during those times as you will accomplish much during this stage.

By the way, set some limits about seeing you besides MC until he has written OW the letter to end it.

Stabbed a painting? Good for you!

He has to stop talking to OW. He can never speak to her again. It may take some time to achieve that but you need to be firm. Make sure he understands how much it hurts you when he talks to her. That is not a LB. Telling him how you feel is usually a good thing.

To stay in this marriage, life, as he knows it, is over. He has to be completely transparent. Give him some time to go through his withdrawal but if he continues to talk to OW, he may never get over the A.

Whether we are patient people or not, none of us has the patience we need for this task. Just keep reminding yourself that this will take a lot of time to fix.

Do you have any guidelines set? Are you going to MC?

I will be firm. Every MC session I talk about his contacting OW and stress that any contact is unacceptable. I thought I only had to say it once, now I learned (the hard way) that it is a goal to achieve.
I don't have any guidelines. What are they BTW?
We are going to MC once a week, he is going alone (with the same therapist once a week.) He is working on issues with his mother, that I know is not justification but explains a lot of his behaviour towards me.
I love my kids and I want us to be happy.

I think your MC is letting you down a bit, estrela...because our MC spoke directly to WH and said, "Change your job and end all contact. You can't think reasonably about saving your marriage until you do. Period."

Very direct...WH told OW it was over while driving away from MC session...though they worked together another two months until his transfer came through. MC was specific in telling WH that he would be taking all his problems into any new relationship, with anyone, if we divorced. Period.

WH listened. He has now been a year and a half of no contact, and within a month, knew what he gave up wasn't real...a fantasy...and he's been coping with his shame and guilt.

LA

I am trying to save my M. I think FWH is also trying.
He has NC with OW now (although there was no formal communication they are not in touch for 2 weeks at least). He is much more attentive and loving to our DDs (which is almost everything) and he is accounting for time spent (so far). We just bought tickets to travel together.
I still have so many mixed feelings. I cannot sleep now bacause the ghost of the A came to say hi.
During the day, almost anything he says reminds me of the A. I decided for myself not to bring A ofter, mostly during MC and maybe once or twice a week, trying not to LB.
I try to build my relationship with him from a loving place. It is tough. It was difficult in the beginning, it is still difficult now. How long more to see if all this is really real and worth?
I changed a lot with all that happened. I am stronger now. I care less about his moods. I can speak my mind.
It still hurts but I see hope.
Any thoughts?

I think this is still fairly new to you. I think the memories will gradually fade although sometimes triggers will bring them back in a flash. Have you gotten rid of all the little momentos that he and OW picked up on their travels? I think it will help.

Another thing you need to think about is how you will react if he calls OW (or she him). What if NC is violated? I asked myself that question a few times and was glad I did. It really helped prepare me for NC violations which did occur.

Are you taking any AD medication? I ground mine up into powder and am now snorting 20 to 30 lines a day. I couldn't survive without my AD.

I don't know how I will react if he contacts OW again. Pretty bad I guess. I am really edgy recently.
Yesterday I proposed (and he accepted) to go listen to jazz at the place we first met. But I know also he's been with OW there quite a few times.
He came back quiet, he stayed home today. Withdrawal? He said it is not related to the place, he just feel that he is getting a cold.
Maybe my idea was not so good. Not that I care that much. I did it for myself, and I don't think it was a LB. Anyway...
I found old e-mails (from 2 years ago) in a computer WH used to use and now gave to DDs. I was reading all his e-mails for the last two years, some of them to/ from her, other friends, previous girlfriend (although I knew they kept in touch). In a way, I am trying to understand who he is, and who we are as a couple. But also it was hurtful to see how disconnected we've been since I was so busy with the kids.
Pio,
That's what I meant when I spoke about 2nd pregnancy. He felt I was abandonning him, that I will not have any time and energy for him, and he got angry with me and started to have independent life from me and the kids. Of coure, now all is clear for me, at that time not so much, and I was really busy raising his kids...

Hi.
Just wanted to vent here.
I've been having pretty sad feelings today.
I want to cry but I am at work. Not too busy I guess...
WH stayed home today and is too busy to talk to me. I just hate him sometimes, and myself for still being in such a fragile position emotionally.
Today I have happy hour at the office. Maybe that will help.
Appreciate some advice.
Should I get some AD?

You should BOTH consider taking AD. It might help him too. I really believe that AD took the worst of the withdrawal from gemela. She started taking it long before I did and she stopped sitting at home and crying all day. It really took the edge off her depression.

AD took the edge off my anger when I hit triggers. I was still depressed but I could work, I could concentrate on tasks. I stopped sitting in my garage alone and staring at my tools for hours on end. I still do that but now I invite the neighbors over and we "tool worship" together so at least I am not alone.

I guess AD took away the "fragility" that you talk about. I used to feel that way but don't any more. From what I have read, we got pretty lucky on the AD we were given. Some have more adverse side-effects than others. Some people have to switch from one to another to get better results. Unfortunately the AD's don't work immediately so it takes a little time to see their results. For me it was about 30 days.

Need some advice here.
WH has broke with OW. We are rebuilding our relationship, going out together, spending time together as a family. Things were getting much better.
BUT
Yesterday I was using our shared computer and I saw he was checking on a "dating website". He registered on it (lying of course, saying he is divorced, 10 years younger ,and with no kids).

I felt my world turning again. What is his problem?

estrela

the question is

what are YOU going to do about this...

ARK

I confronted him yesterday.
He denied, saying he wants to be with me and the kids.

I confronted him again in the afternoon. Seriously. He again said he wants to be with us.

I don't think he is corresponding with anybody because I got him in the beginning, but I know he was checking on the girls.

Today I will talk about that on our MC session. Very seriously. And I sent him a letter this morning giving him a choice of either staying and working on himself and his issues or I would just call it quits.

I am fighting, I am not going to look to the other side anymore. But I doubt him and his capacity of commitment. He just went out of a mess to go to another?

why is it his choice to work.

why are you confronting and accepting denials..

can you not print out the page with his stuff on it...

get a key logger installed today

ark

I spoke with him again. He agreed not to look at the website again.
I print the page. I will bring with me to MC session.
What is a key logger?
What are you trying to tell me? Should I be more agressive?

yes you should be more aggresive..
absolutely...

this is YOUR marriage..

is it OK in YOUR marriage to have a husband posting lies on dating site....???

Is that OK...
is it OK with YOU ??!!!!!!!!

search for the post on snooping...keyloggers etc...or start a new post and ask someone to bump it for you..

I think melodylane may post on it...

ARK

Thanks for the advice.