Hi Everyone- well, much more has "come out" since last time I posted. It's all still too painful for me to even get into the detatils, but he's been lying to me about an internet "habit" for six years. This habit is what has destroyed our intimacy and it's the missing link to all of our problems. I wish I could say he came forward with it after I caught him in the emotional affair, but alas, I had to CATCH him AGAIN. My guard was up after the EA, so I had to re-evaluate all the promises he'd made to me in the past. It turns out he went back to everything he promised to stop 6 years ago. The EA was just him "branching out" to an internet relationship with a real live person, who he saw every day. I don't believe anything he says and never will. But, I still love him, God Help Me!! I think he has a problem...an addiction, and since I've caught him, he's admitted to it, and scheduled counseling. I'm almost relieved that he has finally admitted this weakness to me and quit trying to pretend everything's OK. But, on the other hand I'm so angry for all the lies...I wish someone could convince me it will never happen again. I wish to GOD I could believe him. Am I just wasting my time on him? My instinct is to RUN and protect myself and my family. But, a part of me is worried about him, particularly b/c he is the father of my children, and I need him to get help, and I want to help him. ANyone have any advice? HELP!!

It is pretty well documented in most marital infidelity experts' books, and around here, the lies are often more difficult to get over than the physical adultery. Even for PA's.

My FWW's lies were active for more than a decade. They were legion. They became such an integral part of her double life they permeated her dealings with everyone and everything. She was lying and cheating in all aspects of her life towards the end of the VLTA.

I was much sadder for her than angry when the magnitude of her double life started to become apparent. There was almost nothing in her life except me that was real. And I wanted nothing more to do with her, at the time. She was about to be left with nothing but her smoke and mirrors.

But she is turning herself around. Like a supertanker, it takes a lot of power, space and time to change direction. But I do see a difference lately. Not enough to relax around her yet, but progress.

So, if you are inclined to not give up, don’t. Things may yet change with him. But you may have to show him your resolve not to be around a liar. You likely will have to let him go so he can find the real him. You can’t change him, remember. This will be his task and his alone. Best to mainly stay out of his way. Give support and admiration for demonstrated progress. Refer him to expert help. But that’s about it.

BTW, the anger at the A itself will come. The lies may be the biggest hurt, but you will find yourself processing all the other hurts too. Takes years.

It’s too bad so few FWS understand the magnitude and the depth of the damage they do to not only the adulterated marriages but to the people affected. IMO the only FWS who personally recover are the ones who finally see and understand the entire picture. And that is almost impossible for liars, you know. They lie to themselves more than anyone.

With prayers,

Good darn question.

When you get the answer let me know.

Do they think we trust them more if they lie then if they tell the truth?

Do they think we really believe the details they left out didn't seem important to them and thats why they didn't tell us?

Do they really believe they were protecting our feelings by not telling us?

Do they really believe that sweeping it under the rug is going to work?

I personally don't get it. What is wrong with being completely honest with your spouse. I guess I am just a stupid person. I personally can't remember well enough to remember lies that I have told so I chose not to lie. I guess if I were smarter I could lie and not get caught.

My FWW has lied to me for three years now and I don't know what to do. I love her but how do you ever trust someone that has lied to you so convincingly for 3 years?

I think you diserve honesty. I think we all do even our FWS diserve honesty. I don't think they would like it to much if we lied and hid things from them.

yoh,

"My FWW has lied to me for three years now and I don't know what to do."

My guess is that you do. But you aren’t quite ready to step up to the plate. What you have to do is going to result in many people getting hurt to varying degrees, including your beautiful children. Things will change radically, and a bit uncontrollably, for everyone. It's scary. Been there.

"I love her but how do you ever trust someone that has lied to you so convincingly for 3 years?"

You don't. Not for a suitably long time of no lies and complete transparency. You start by no longer enabling them to lie with impunity. Takes some practice though. Like everything worth doing, living above lies is worth doing well.

With prayers,

"...even our FWS diserve honesty. I don't think they would like it to much if we lied and hid things from them."

They more than deserve it. They need it like they need food, water and air. They are dying right in front of you without it.

Yet I get the impression, correct me if I am wrong, you are not giving your WW radical honesty either. Have you let her know of your need for complete honesty? Have you made your boundaries plain? Have you told her what her lies are doing to you and your children?

She needs to know your limits and what you will do about them.

Lies of omission are lies too.

Gird your loins, man up and take loving action.

Yeah, I know, easy to say, hard to do. But even a card carrying CA like me did it eventually. The pain of a future with business as usual finally became worse than the fear of the unknown.

With prayers,

I am so sorry.. I know just what you feel like. The lies take their toll.. it is almost as if they are dead set on making you hate them, because what other thing can result from constant deciet?

Thanks everyone, it's so good to know I'm not alone. My WH's dad was a cheater 30 yrs ago, and WH has admitted he's "becoming what he swore he never would"...but to a "lesser" degree. How can there be DEGREES of cheating? He still is unable to admit to himself that he's a cheater. Who knows, if his dad had had access to the internet 30 years ago, maybe that's all the further his cheating would have gone.

Anyway, like you all say, it's the lies that hurt the most. I feel like our whole marriage has been a lie. How can I believe that he even loves me? As far as I'm concerned, if his mouth is moving, he's lying.

So, Aphelion, you suggest I "stay out of his way"- believe me, leaving has been on my mind a lot. I just can't do that to my 3-yr old dtr, who is a complete daddy's girl. She has already suffered b/c of all of the arguing on and around DD. We are doing much better at discussing when the kids are in bed, and we don't fight any more. My anger comes out occasionally, but I'm able to control it.

Here's the really strange part, we've already become so much closer physically...it's as if we've finally discovered eachother, and we have been revealing so much to eachother about our needs, etc. In that aspect, things have NEVER been better. It's such a roller-coaster for me now, one minute I HATE him and the next I can't get enough of him. I know this sounds crazy...maybe I'm just clinging to a last hope, or something. I really need for him to be sincere and change his ways. Counselling starts the 31st of this month...

Any advice is welcome at this point...