I found out my WS was havin A in Sept 05 (going on since May 04). I confronted her shortly thereafter but she has continued w A. I have tried to be understanding and patient, giving here six months to make a decision. In March 06 I spoke with WS again and gave her a deadline of April to make a decision, which came and went without any change (she continues to see OM). We continue to live together in marital home with our 5 yo son.

She appears to be in the fog. WS wont say two words to me and looks like she is in anguish every time she is w/me. This week I told her I was contacting lawyers (which I have done) and that we need to talk at least for the sake of our son but I still hardly get any response from WS. At this point, its not so much the betrayal of affair that is hurting me, but the state of limbo, of not knowing what is going to happen, and the feeling that she is just manipulating me.

I have only recently told my family about the situation, which has been a great relief to me in terms of love and support.

I am wondering if/when it is a good time to talk to mother/father/sister in-laws. I have a good relationship with them, and they adore our son. I don't want to do it to get back at WS, to restore marriage (I think its probably hopeless), or to get them on my side, but to snap her out of her fog so that she can get help that she needs and we need to start moving on.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

This sitch is NOT hopeless unless YOU give up hope!

Have you read the basic concepts of this site yet?

What you need to do right now is EXPOSE. You need to expose her "dirty" little secret to ANYONE who can put pressure on her to stop this damaging behavior.

Prime exposure targets are: Her folks / relatives , your folks / relatives, OM's relatives, Her / OM's workplace supervisors, Her / your friends, and your Clergy.

She is very content with the staus quo. She has you to make her look like the respectable wife and mother. She has the OM for her "fun" fix. She will NOT change this without strong pressure forcing her to do so.

Affairs THRIVE in darkness. Exposing them to the light of day is the begining of the end for most affairs.

Be preparred, she will not be mad about this. She will be FURIOUS! She will scream at you that she can never trust you again, you've blown it now she's not even going to try, she's going to divorce you, etc...

ALL exposed WS's do this. It is stright for the WH handbook.

Remember this: Your M CAN survive her temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

Keep posting, we'll help you through this.

Stay Strong!

She'll remain in this fog for much longer if you dont expose to her family. You are only helping her affair out by not exposing to them. The opinion of the family will have a big effect on her and give her a bit of a reality slap.

About 8 months ago.

It's not too late.

Read the links in my sig line below and take control of this. Don't give any more deadlines and don't expect a "snap" out of the fog.

Also, don't expect your in-laws to rally around you. They might, but typically in-laws support their blood.

BEFORE exposing to them - since it's already been so long - take a little more time to absorb all the information here and order two or more copies of Surviving An Affair, available in the bookstore on this site. One copy for you and as many as you think you need to share with the in-laws. When you expose to them, give them a copy. A small investment that will help them understand what you're doing to keep your family together.

Ttbb, listen to what people are telling you. You've let this obscenity fester for six months? Mister, things don't get better by doing nothing to correct them. If you want to save this marriage, you better get proactive or it's going down the drain. You're six months behind right now. Quit wasting time, okay?

I agree with WAT that you should not expect them to immediately rally around you. However, don't be angry or distressed about this---they WILL come around. First, they need to go through the same emotions you did...denial, shock, questioning your role in it all, then, finally realizing it's on the WS.

It is a really good idea to expose to the in laws, just make sure they know WHY you're doing it (to save the marriage).

Thanks to all.

I need all the help I can get.

ttbb

TB, WAT's given you some excellent threads to read. There's another in my signature line you might also go through. The thing is, friend, you're allowing your wife to detach from you and your family in favor of this other man. You must do something very soon or the dissolution of your marriage, and your family, is going to happen and you won't have done all you could to stop it. Are you going to live the rest of your life with that on your conscience?

wow, I can't believe you have done this for so long. But, better late than never, huh? Up until now, you have just been an enabler of the affair. Time to take some action and try and save your marriage, friend!

Who is this OM? Is he married? What does he do for a living?

Howz about exposing to OM's side? Is this a work related A?

Thanks again to all for the input and support

I went to this site back in September after finding out and took advice on waiting it out, being patient, staying away from LBs etc. I told WW when I found out that she had to stop the A and she said she would but has continued the same behavior.

I realize now, maybe too late, that waiting it out has just enabled her, and that I have been doing that for a long time, before D-day, before it even started, maybe our whole marriage (11 years) and even before that. The problem I now face is that I am not sure that I even want to be married to her anymore. While I still love her, and always will, I realize that she has manipulated me and controlled me from the start, and that I have allowed her to do this, making excuse for her, protecting her from critism. I don't want to go back to that life now. If we were to reconcile and try to make a new start it would have to be that--something new and different from what we had before. What we had is gone and I don't want to go back. The question is can we build something new and worthwile from the ashes?

Right now, I just want to get out of the awful agony of the limbo that I am in, and have been in acutely for 8 months, and less acutely for much longer without really knowing it. Reading the threads sometimes doesn't provide much guidance, because there are pros and cons to every decision and one never knows what the future will. Maybe I just need to trust my gut (or put faith in God if thats your deal) and let be what will be. My gut tells me to call.

U take the info here and use what is best for your sitch. If you require personalized guidance....call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. Worth every penny.

L.