Hi everyone - newbie here. I pretty much know the answer to this question, but I thought I would throw it out here just to get an idea of how other divorcees felt about this. I've been divorced for over 2 years (emotionally divorced for many more) and am in my first "semi-serious" relationship. He's a wonderful man, and we've been with each other for almost a year now. We are both older (he's 48, I'm 44), we both have demanding jobs and a fulfilling social life outside of our relationship. Now the question - neither of us has said "I love you" or have we ever sat down to have the "where is this going" discussion.....is that normal? Shouldn't we by this time be thinking of the "next step"? I know this is not an earth shattering problem - but since I'm so out of practice at this single scene, how long does it usually take to say "ILY" and all that stuff? I'm in no big hurry to remarry, so I'd be happy to go on like this forever and ever - we see each other a few times a week - and have a wonderful time together, and then that's it.....we go home to our own houses, jobs, lives, etc. until the next time we see each other. I'm not quite sure even what my question is, I was just curious to see if I was "normal" - being a middle aged woman with no desire to hurry into a commitment. Ladies? Gents?

It seems "normal" to me. It sounds like you're starting to think about where the relationship is going but you have no reason to be in a hurry. I dated my soon to be XH about 5 months before I told him ILY. I suspect that it will take me much longer in any future relationship. I think it really depends on the personalities and situations involved. Are you worried that he might be wondering where the relationship is headed?

I'm thinking you might be right. I'm just so stinking confused about what I even want that I'd be happy to stick my head in the sand and not make a decision EVER....But he's a wonderful man, and I'd hate to lose him by being so ambiguous (spelling?) - but he's not made any demands on me for commitment, marriage, etc. either so we are just coasting along. I've just been conditioned to believe that after a certain amount of time together that someone should be saying SOMETHING about commitment, etc....maybe it's just poor communication between us two? Who knows, I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. Maybe I'm just a head case commitment-phobe because of a miserable marriage?

Hm...

Does no talk re: the future together (no ILY included) bother you because he hasn't started (said) it yet, or because you have not?

Btw, everything you both feel is "normal", is "normal" (for you (plural))
In general... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"We are both older (he's 48, I'm 44), we both have demanding jobs and a fulfilling social life outside of our relationship."

Give me a break.... Your both kids..... :-)

If you don't want, and don't care about a commitment, why should he? Seems like he and you have companionship, etc. without the potential anguish of a failed marriage....

I sort of know how you feel. After so much hurt I don't want to commit or leave myself vulnerable ever again but on the other hand I want my partner to really want me and i want to know I will grow old in a committed relationship. Is that whats going thru your mind?

Oh my goodness - I truly believe you put into words what I've been feeling! I do NOT want to commit forever (cause I will NOT go through a divorce again, (I'd KILL him first, LOL!) and put myself into that situation - BUT I don't want to be alone forever, just me and my 82 cats! I guess sooner or later (if the subject comes up with my beau) I will have to make a decision - it's just a lot easier to stay with the "status quo" and keep my head in the sand! Thanks - good to know that someone else is feeling the same way!

I think if it works for you at the moment ... let it be. We may find new ways of having relationships that have some sort of middle ground. I'm not sure the only way o show commitment is to live together and get married. Can't we share our lives with someone but keep some sort of independance for ourselves. It may not be the norm or perfec but it may be a better way for those of us who have been through so much that anything else leaves us to vulnerable.

If and when you feel strong enough to trust someone to that extent ... you can reassess.