Hi, I don't think my wife is cheating, but I don't know why she's chatting online with guys... We've been married 10 mos and it's eating me up...

Here's what I want to say to her. Advice?

About a month ago you left for work and didn't sign out of Yahoo Messenger. As I checked my email on your computer, I was troubled to find a chat session left open with some guy I don't know, that you've never mentioned to me. I wasn't hurt initially, that you would be chatting online like this without my knowledge with some guy I don't know about. You had told me way back that occaisionally guys you used to know would find you again online for what ever reason, but you told me you dismissed them and they went away.

When we talked about that before, I had told you "no", no one from my single days contacted me like that, and maybe it was different for women online. I also told you that I had ended all of my realtionships, and had no contact with past people I had dated, or known during that period of my life. However when time went by and you didn't mention that one of these innocent contacts had happened again, it aroused suspicion (who was that guy? was it isolated? What's going on? Why is she doing this?) and hurt.

Feeling that distrust, fighting my feelings of paranoia considering my last failed marriage, and how I discovered that infedility, I began watching to see time stamps when you'd login to Messenger, and in the past few days I found that you are in fact having ongoing chats with more than one man without my knowledge.

I know how important honesty and integrity are to you. I feel if our positions were reversed, that you learned that I was secretively chatting with woman like that, you'd disown me immediately.

I have been near vomitting for two days now, I am nearly in tears now, and was crying most of last night waiting for you to come home. Only to learn how devastating your day was, and knowing that I couldn't possibly bring this up with you in that state.

I sucked it up, hopefully gave you the best love and support I could muster under the circumstances, and am now faced with the challenge of trying to move forward with this discussion.

I need to understand why you are in essence lying and being secretive in this way, the extent of your relationships with these people, and how you plan to win back my trust.

You need to go through this site and learn all you can. Pay close attention to the concept of POJA. If you W is doing something that hurts you (chatting with other men online) she must stop.


You should be worried about this. Do you know what and EA is? An emotional affair. A person can cheat on their spouse without having sex.

You have obnly been married for ten months and you need to set some very firm appropriate marital boundaires before things get out of hand.

Read through the whole site then you can ask more questions.

Thank you for the advice. I've read this site before, back in my first divorce. I thought it really helped me then, and now.

I know that this is outside our boundaries. We talked extensively about infidelity as my 1st marriage ended that way, and her last relationship ended when she learned she was the other woman and he was married. She also ended a previous relationship when she came home and found her BF chatting and recieving nude photos from another woman. So it's not a question in my mind of unclear boundaries. One of her biggest values is integrity and right now she's lost my trust.

I feel if I call her on it and don't leave her, she'll think I'm weak and clingy (she described me as clingy to one of the men she was chatting with). If I call her on it and leave, well, then it's over and she didn't even take her clothes off that I know of. I'm in a catch 22.

Ugh.

No, you are not clingy to call her on something that could harm and even destroy your M. You are a righteous MAN telling his Wife what he can and cannot live with in a marriage. You cannot live with her chatting online to others, right? That is standing your ground. Threatening to leave or actually doing it is the extreme end. What consequences can you put in place before this?? Get her commitment to stop. Get rid of the computer. Counseling. Whatever--you can set up escalating consequences with leaving being later down the road.

Ah, very good advice. Thank you.

You are not clinging you are worried and have every right to be. I'm surprised considering her previous experiences and her stance on infidelity that she would do this.

It's painful to find out that the person you are supposed to be honest and true to has "opinions" of you that they are sharing with others. I just don't get that.

My sister n law described my brother in the same way, it was only when the truth came out that the reason he was "clingy" was he knew she was messing around.

Not to mention the fact that you are still newlyweds and aren't all newlyweds clingy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please keep us informed and welcome back.

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