I am new to his forum, but have been reading since my D-Day. My FWH is doing everything right, and I have also been trying to rebuild my marriage. After reading the MB site it was very clear that we were not meeting each other’s ENs at all. It is very eye opening and a little discouraging to discover that we are so average; our case being almost text book. Our situation is a little complicated because the OW is a coworker of my H and she is now dating a friend of mine, also a coworker of my H. My friend is the one who exposed the A, my H didn't want to tell me. The PA happened first, followed by the EA, which is what got them caught. My H swears he never had any feelings for OW and is very remorseful.
In the last three months I have tried very hard to get through this. I take 50% of the responsibility of why our marriage got to the point where this happened. Problem is, I would never have done what he did.
So, what do I do? I love my H deeply, but I just can’t get over what he did. It was so calculated. I can’t even look at my friend who is now living with the sl*t that helped ruin my life. I see her car and I have visuals of their fling. The whole thing makes me sick. I want to send letters to her, leave phone messages for her, slit her tires, etc. I was doing better at home for a while, but this week I’m having trouble even looking at my H. He is a different person to me now. It is very hard finding out that he is such a scum bag. We used to talk about people like him, and now he is in that category. I don’t know how you get past this!

We have done everything right as far as recovery. My H is remorseful, we are now working on fulfilling each other’s emotional needs, and I really try to bury this while I’m at home. It’s just not working now. It’s almost as if I gave it a good faith effort, but now I’ve realized that I can’t rise above this. I want his coworkers and family to know what kind of person he really is, but I can’t bring myself to do that to him. It really wouldn’t help things. So am I staying with him to save him and me the embarrassment? Our families would be crushed.

If anyone has taken the time to read this long message, please let me know what you think.

gutshot

gutshot
My FWW's A was about the same time as your FWH's A. I am starting to believe that it takes two main things for recovery to take place "time" first and "effort" from both parties. And to think this is what will be consuming most of our thought for the next year at least, really SUCKS!!!! I too have also made the decision to save my FWW the embarrassment of exposure to family for her as well as myself. Sorry you are in this Situation.

We have talked about seeing where we are in six months past D-day, which would be almost 1 year after the PA. I feel bad whenever we discuss things because it makes him so sad to know what it's done to me. It seems like it's always one step forward two steps back. That's why I decided to post. If I can talk through what's going through my head with someone else, maybe I can quit making my H feel so bad every day.

Thanks for replying. I wish you the best.

gutshot
The problem is that your H needs to see what he has caused. You don't have to LB with your feelings, but he should know how hurt you are. This helps to motivate. Don't avoid communication. Don't walk on eggshells or trade calm for recovery. Make it safe for him to discuss the A. Just listen. Vent here.

It's such a cliche...it takes time....but it's true. I asked the same question a year ago...how can you recover from this? It can happen. The pain eases.

Start working on being a better you. Communicate with H. Try not to obsess. When the A thoughts come back...change the channel. It's a conscious decision. Realize even good people make mistakes. Know that the A was not about the OW. Something in your H was malfunctioning. He's going to have to take responsibility for that, you can't protect him from it. Get some IC and MC if you can. And know that others are here that have gone through it all too. You are not alone.


One day at a time. Everything you are feeling is normal. You'll be OK.

BTW, you might want to postpone that 6 month "check up" until about a year. 6 months out is still too raw, I think.

gunshot,
My FWW just breaks into tears because she hates herself for her choices. This makes it twice as hard for me. WHY- because I feel bad for myself as well as for her. I know I need to be able to talk about the A but I find myself just sitting on my feelings as to avoid hurting her.
Funny isnt it that we continue to protect the one who destroyed us. Does this make any sense to you? Are you able to talk to your H? I wonder if there is a difference since we are on seperate sides of the gender?

Hello, GS. Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

***My H is remorseful, we are now working on fulfilling each other’s emotional needs,***

Can you elaborate on this a little more? How exactly is he remorseful and what is each of you doing to fulfill each other's ENs?

***and I really try to bury this while I’m at home.***

This is a big red flag. You will never recover your marriage if he expects you to "bury" this and is willing to let you suffer so he can feel good about himself. Again, can you explain a little more?
Mulan

It makes perfect sense to me. My H has had some really bad days dealing with the guilt of what he's done. It never entered his brain what was at stake. Sometimes that is hard to hear. It will be a long hard year for us. My H had a six month head start in forgeting what he did. Having to tell me has brought it all back into his brain. The pain he caused is now so obvious to him. I really believe he thought that no one would get hurt. He just wanted to try something (or someone, I guess!) new.

He is very open to discussing everything with me. Although, sometimes I can hear the frustration and pain in his voice. We even have to talk about the OW because she is now a couple with my ex-friend and we see one or both of them a lot during the week.

Today has been a good day. We've had a few short discussions about the OW, but nothing that has caused too many tears for either one of us.

Thanks for listening.

gutshot

Well, you can start working on accepting the fact that your marriage will never be the same again. The innocence and sense of specialness is forever gone.

But that doesn't mean that you can't have a much better marriage than before. Many people do.

I would spend time figuring out the "why" of the affair.

Mulan,
We are working very hard to fulfill each other's emotional needs. He hugs me many, many times a day and tells me he loves me. I am much more affectionate than I was before. It turns out that like many others, s*x was a big part of our M problems. He didn't think he was getting enough. We were acturally very active quantitatively, but not qualitatively. I was afraid to show him any affection because he would just assume that meant SF and I didn't feel like he deserved it. Sound familiar?
My H is also helping so much more with kids and house, etc. He finally appreciates what I do to keep this busy household going and he tells me so. He is constantly apologizing for the last several years. I believe that it is sincere, and not just words. We are also working on some alone time. Our kids are about to the age where we can leave them alone and we are now doing that. Even if it's just a walk or a quick dinner out. Since our kids were born (oldest is 11) we haven't done anything that was just the two of us. We used to have so much fun, but in the last few years the fun was all just individual with our own friends or a family thing. We are talking and communicating much more openly and much more often. We make sure we talk on the phone during work several times a day and eat lunch with each other as often as possible.

I'm sorry if I misled you about burying my feelings at home. My H does not expect that, I just feel bad when I can't stop talking about the A and he gets very emotional seeing the pain he's caused me. I was just trying to get to a point where I don't need to dump on him every day with how bad I feel. I know he doesn't deserve that consideration, but it's hard for me to hurt him, even after what he's done. It's very hard though, when I have no one else to talk to. I have not exposed this to anyone and don't have plans to. I can't help but feel that I've failed at the M and I don't want anyone else to know that. I'm too much of a perfectionist!

Thanks for listening. It really helps me a lot to put this down and also hear what others have done and gone through. I hope I can be strong enough to keep my family together.

gutshot

MicheleG
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'll think about the year instead of the six months. I can see that time will be a huge factor. It is very hard to change the channel when the bad thoughts come. Your words are so true about how even good people make mistakes. I try to tell myself this daily. I know that I am not perfect, but when I think this I still can't help but follow it with the fact that I would never have done what he did! I know that will fade with time. I am also starting to believe that the A was not about the OW. We were in a very bad place in our M.

You've helped me a lot today. Thanks.
gutshot

believer,
Thanks for your words. But that is what makes me so sad some days. I will never be the same and neither will we. I truly hope that it can be better than before.

We're working on the why part. My H still doesn't know exactly what pushed him over the edge. His A was very calculated and planned. He had a check list of criteria of who to pick and narrowed it down. Then he went through with it. Unfortunately the one he picked was the right one because she didn't have any problem. It took him four days to get her to spread her legs. He was looking for whatever he was missing at home. He was unable to fully perform the first time (couldn't get there) because his conscience creeped in. But that made him so mad that he tried again. The second time was two days later. That time he couldn't even begin, if you know what I mean. The OW was crushed that he loved me so much that he couldn't follow through. I guess this was his awakening. He spent the next five months trying to be a better H, but it all seemed so weird to me watching this change in him. I started getting suspicious. It was at this time that he was having the EA with the same woman. He thinks they were just friends, but they spoke every day. Supposedly they never spoke of the PA again. He just tried to bury it. She was filling some sort of void. My H is starting to see that he should have been talking to me all that time. It wasn't until they were caught by her boyfriend that NC truly began. He is also starting to see that the OW is not the best person. I almost have him convinced that if she truly were his friend she would not have allowed him to do this. Friends don't help friends ruin their lives.

I don't know if we've answered the why yet, but we are getting closer.

gutshot

There is a good book called "Torn Asunder" that has a chapter called "The Message of the Affair". Sometimes it has nothing to do with the marriage.

But be sure to meet his EN's .