Hi,

I'm beginning to think that in order to recover from my CSA, I may need to have a confrontation/conversation with my FOO.

I know it is often recommended that a survivor of CSA confront her abuser as part of the healing process. But I have always dreaded the prospect. In fact, I thought about going to counseling when I was in my 20's but decided against it, specificly because I was terrified that the therapist would push me into such a confrontation.

I'm still not sure I want to do it. Still terrified. But I'm also beginning to wonder if I'll ever get through this in one piece if I don't.

My story in a nutshell:

I was molested repeatedly by my brother when we were children. He's two years older than I am. I'm not even sure how old we were when it happened or exactly how long it went on. My best guess is that I was around 8 or 9 when it started and that it continued for about a year and-a-half.

It ended when my mother caught us in the act. She separated us, talked to him first, then took me "for a walk". I could tell she was disgusted and horrified. She was shaking and chain-smoking. I was so ashamed I could barely speak. First she grilled me. How long had it been going on? What exactly had he done? Why didn't I tell her? She also made the statment, "I never would have let one of my brothers do that, and if they had, I would have hated them."

Then she said, "He said you liked it. Did you?" Those are the words that haunt me the most. It was the way she said it. Not really a question. More like an accusation.

It was such a loaded statement/question, too. There were many times that my body DID like it. It felt physically good. But I already felt guilty about that. And I knew that if I answered her question honestly, she'd think I was bad and dirty. So I vehemently denied it. Which just added to my guilt and shame.

Unbelievably, after that, she still left us alone at home sometimes. But every time she did, she'd come home and immediately ask me, "Did he 'bother' you?". Well, the truth is, he did a few more times. But there was no way I was going to tell her that. More guilt/shame/secrecy.

Anyway, I've carried this crap around for a long time now and I'm sick of it. And I know it has affected just about every relationship I've ever had with anyone -- including myself. So I want to deal with it and grow from it. I've made some progress over the last few months in counseling, but like I said, I'm beginning to think I might need to have a face-to-face with mother and brother, and maybe even my father. But I'm still scared.

And it's complicated.

In terms of my brother, we have no relationship to speak of now. So that's not the concern. But it's not like I was abused by an adult... and want to go back now, years later, to tell him off and take back my power. I mean, my brother was a kid at the time too. And I suppose a case could be made that it was as much "experimentation" as it was "abuse". I mean, there was definately manipulation and coersion in the beginning. Even violence a couple of times (he pulled a knife on me once). But after awhile, especially when it felt physically good, I didn't resist. So I'm not sure what I would even say to him. (??)

Then there's my mother. The truth of the matter is, the way she handled the whole thing did far more damage than the actual abuse. But I know she didn't do it maliciously. She did it out of ignorance.

And there are so many things she did "right" as a parent. So many things I appreciate. But I know her. I know how she'll react if I try to talk to her about this. She'll think I'm saying she was horrible, and a total failure as a mother. She'll think I'm trying to blame everything on her. I just know it's going to be a terrible mess. And what is it I want from her? An apology? Not really. Like I said, I really don't think she intended to hurt me. So what's the point.

Which brings me full circle, in my very frustrating circular thinking.

A recent conversation with my counselor:

Him: In order for a person to love herself, do you think she needs to love her history?

Me: Love? I don't know. Embrace, maybe. Definately accept.

Him: Is there a difference between acceptance and forgiveness?

Me: Yes, in my mind. It has to do with intent. I think forgiveness applies to situations where someone intentionally, or at least knowingly, harms you. In that case, you must decide whether to forgive them. But when someone unintentionally harms you, its a matter of acceptance -- learning to accept what happened. Both serve to bring peace to the person who was wronged.

So... in the case of my abuse... there's nothing to forgive really. On some level, I imagine my brother knew that what he was doing was harming me... but I doubt he had a full grasp of it... and it wasn't his primary intention. And in the case of my mother, she did what she did because she simply didn't know any better.

So there's no need to forgive anyone. And if I can figure out how to accept what happened, and I think that I can, why do I need to dredge it all back up again, and drag my family back into it? And again, what is it I want from them? And yet... my gut is telling me I may need to do this.

I know I need to figure this out for myself. Nobody can decide for me. But I could rally use some feedback from anyone with insight or experience in this type of thing.

Thanks,
--SC

ETA: I know this isn't technically "Marriage Building" but it does affect my relationship with my husband. And you guys are my support group right now, so I'm hoping you can help.

(((SC)))

I can only tell you what I decided.

I decided to forgive my aunt for her "indescretions".

In my case she was the adult and I was a 6 yo. There were a few "incidents" while she was watching me while my folks were gone for a week. She said that this is our "Special" secret. After my folks returned there was never another incident even though I saw her many times over the years.

The only mention of the incident from my aunt was about 4 years later at Christmas. She begged me to never tell anyone else about it. And I had not. Not for many years.

Before this forum, I had only told 2 persons, Mrs. Field & and a cousin that I am particularly close to (she was also abused, but that's another story).

I decided not to confront her for three major reasons.

1.) I didn't feel "badly" abused by the incidents. I know what she did was wrong but thinking about the incidents I don't remember feeling particularly "violated" (supressed? I don't really know). She also said she was sorry for what she did while she was watching me.

2.) Pity. For her. Her further decent into drug use really damaged her mentally / physically. She really did need her family to help her. She did have some major issues for a number of years, but thanks to phycotic drugs she is much better today.

3.) Family. Confronting her about this would cause great turmoil in my family. I do not think that confronting her about this will gain me anything personnaly. I don't really feel "held back" by these incidents (almost 40 years ago!). I do know that the family would ostercize her and frankly she needs our support to help get by.

Don't know if that helps any but that is what I decided and why.

I am wondering what you hope to accomplish by confronting either of them? I don't mean that in a bad way, I am just asking honestly, have you sat down and wrote out the possible outcomes, and what the possible pros and cons are, to see if it is even worth it?
I have the same story to tell, and honestly I don't see any point in confronting my brother at this point. He is just an idiot.

My brother would put his hands into my pants just about any time Mom left us alone. There were 5 kids total. 2 girls and 3 boys. the other two brothers never knew, and I always thought he was just picking on me. I didn't realize it was also happening to my sister until after she and I were older, and she told me about it.

My mom found out once as well. She came home, and i was crying. I told her that he did "nasty things" to me. She was angry with him, told him never to do it again. but she left me alone with him again, many times, and he still did it.

finally, he turned 18 and moved out. That is when it finally stopped. When his first wife got pregnant I thought "Oh No! What if she has a girl? he will molest her" but she didn't have a girl. She had a boy. So I kept quiet.
(he has now had 5 boys total, with 3 different women. I wonder if God has purposely kept him from having girls)
My sister and I finally confided in each other when we were in our ealr 20's. he had been "touchy" with both of us. Why didn't I speak up? fear. you sit in terror and wonder what would happen to the family if you speak up. Also, when you are little, you don't even know the rigth words to say. As you get older, you are too embarassed to speak those words.
Plus, my mom had her hands full all ready. 5 kids. My dad was in the Navy. my oldest brother was always in trouble at school. last thing I wanted to do was tell her something that would likely send her over the edge.

I never did talk to my Mom about it. she passed away 5 years ago. I have never wished that I had talked to her. She had enough worries as it was. And there was nothing she could do or say now that would make it all go away. I suppose, if I had ever suspected that she should have known, and did nothing to protect me, I probably would have felt bitter towards her, and would have probably needed to talk to her.
But I don't think she really knew anything.

My sister got drunk and told my Dad about it a few years ago. I think she felt better afterward. Dad was pretty upset. but here again, what could he do now? he wonders why we didn't say anything sooner. but like I say, you don;t know what to say, or how to say it. it is all too embarassing.

Your mom did not handle this well. She didn't know any better. it was not your fault. If you would feel better getting it out in the open, and talking about it, then by all means, confront her - or him - or both.

A good friend of mine suffered years of abuse from her Dad. her therapist suggested that she write him a letter, saying all the things she wanted to tell him. She wrote the letter, and drove over to his house. He was standing outside when she got there. She walked up to him and said "Here! this is for you" he took the letter, and said "ok". She turned around and left. they never talked about the letter. She assumes he read it, but he never brought it up. But she said she felt a lot better after that. She was able to write down all that crap that kept going through her mind, and get it out for once and for all. she didn't feel the need to talk to him about it - there was nothing he could say in return that would make it better. She just wanted to get it off her chest.

Just a thought. You might think about writing a letter to each of them.

I know for me, I finally started to feel better when I reached the point where I understood, and accepted, the fact that sometimes we have to forgive people, even when they don't apologize to us, or ask for our forgiveness. we forgive anyway, just for our own good.

Post deleted by Longhorn

SC, my friend, i wish i could give you are real honest to goodness hug right now.

i'm guessing you know i went thru what you are going thru now, right? i did end up sending a note to my brother, i can share if you want.

in my brothers case, i was not even sure if he remembered.

we had and have a fairly normal relationship.

there were 4 of us and we stuck together pretty tight due to how poor of an enviornment we grew up in. i love my siblings very much, even with all the crap.

what happened between my brother and i occured during a time in his life when he was extremly out of control, doing drugs, failing school, this was his jr year in HS. i am 5 yrs younger than him, so i was in 7th grade. it was on the minor side in comparison (although that kinda talk is what my IC kept telling me is exactly the WRONG way to look at it!! would i say it was minor if i found out someone did that to my DD? NO! anyway...).

my brother was forced to go live with my dad after he all together stopped going to school, so that stopped the abuse.

and he did manage to turn his life around.

so i honestly had no idea if he even rememebered.

but in working thru all of it, i just HAD to confront him.

like you, i didn't really want anything, like you i feared the consequences, especially because the 4 of us are still kinda close, as disfunctional as we all are....

i ended up writing him this letter, but then i sat on it, and sat on it. finally during a phone call, i told him i had a note to send him (that was my way of focing myself into action, since i told him something was coming, i would have to follow thru) but he wanted to know what it was about and the next thing i knew i was telling him right then on the phone. he was actually quite horrified.

as i suspected, he did not rememeber (or maybe he buried it too). he did not doubt me at all and he did apologize. i still sent him the note.

i have never told my mom, nor do i have any intention of doing so. i did talk to my 2 sisters about it. and my brother knows i did but he seemed ok about it.

things are a bit odd now, at least for me, between my siblings.

in my note, one of the things i had said to my brother is that i hoped that if inside him, this was eating him up in any way, that he too would be released.

i truely fogave him long ago. it was not about wanting an apology. i just needed to do it for me. i need show myself love by doing that.

i was very lucky, i was nervous about the fall out.

it has been positive.

we (the 4 siblings) have started to set up a dinner date once a quarter, just the four of us, no spouses (well, mine would not come anyway, but that is another story..), no kids.

i thought the first one (which was very much set up by the urging of my brother) was his knee jerk reaction. i was surprised when he initiated getting the second one set up AND when he agreed to travel a long distance to the choosen location.

i'm taking it slow. my siblings are still important to me, they are my family, no matter how messed up, that means something very stong to me. i don't know why exactly, it is just part of who i am. it's just very complicated with my DH.

i think i started to ramble a bit too much. i hope this helps you.

my prayers are with you SC. if you are feeling nudges in you saying you have to do this, then DO IT. i didn't really understand why either, all the same arguements went in my head. the core of it was this.... i had to love myself, i had to act loving towards myself. i would not brush such an event aside if it happened to my DD. i had to show myself i was just as important.

i'm here to "talk" more if you want.
do you think that is what is nudging you too??

Hi SC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Okay
1- This is projection, maybe you have a good idea, but you really don't know for sure how she would react. One cannot base their decisions/behavior on how you "think" others are going to react, you have to base it on what you think is in YOUR best interest, is it going to help you heal?

2- You are not responsible for your mom's feelings. No I don't think one should act irresponsibly, maliciously or intentional hurt another if its not neccessary, and while it's noble to have sympathy for you mom's feelings, You are not responsible for her feelings, you can't play the I think, she'll think, I think game. You can only be honest. If she interprets it as you saying she's a horrible mother, that is HER guilt and her baggage. I know you love your mom, but she is the older adult here, she is responsible for her part in it, not you, if she feels you are saying she's horrible and is to blame, well it's probably her own guilt doing that. If thats NOT what your saying and thats how she sees it, its HER baggage and something SHE needs to work through to grow. I am not saying I think you SHOULD talk to her I am saying that projecting her behavior, or trying to control her feelings should not inhibit or play into the decision, it should be based on your honest need for recovery.

3- Maybe YOU don't need an apology, but maybe tHat 8 year old little girl does. I know your mom only behaved the best she knew how, but now she has even more life experience and wizdom, YOU were just a little kid, she is still responsible for her actions even though she was ignorant at the time, why are you making that 8 year old girl responsible for mom's feelings or insecurity? And no it ISN'T a blame game, its just what happened, same rules apply to mom. Who's are we to judge that maybe Mom needs this 'kick in the pants' for her own healing and growth?

4- You may very well be denying your mom a chance to say NOW what she wishes she said then, for her to hear that you don't hate her for it, and yes you CAN forgive someone for something they didn't intend to do or didn't know better. Who knows how much guilt your mom is living with.

5- The point is...... is sharing this stuff here, sharing with your therapist, your husband, etc. enough to let it go? Or can you only let it go when all the unsaid crap between you and mom is out of your head.

Talking to your mom doesn't have to be such that her defenses fly up, and can be as simple as telling her, that teh whole thing with your brother has come back to haunt you, you don't know why, its causing you pain, you don't know what happened, its alll confusing and what does SHE think. Make it about YOu not her. She just may have something to say to you. You may find yourself saying what ever it is you really need to heal. Any fall out after that, is beyond your control, what will be, will be, and Mom's pain, is Mom's pain.

As far as your brother, HMMMMMMMMM what is it in your gut, you really feel you need to say? Just an aknowledgement that it did happen? To talk to him about it so it is more real, and not just confusing memories running in your head making you crazy? To let him know that "hey, you know what, I didn't LIKE it (contrary to what your body felt-thats human and animal instinct, seperate from the intelligent mind and a moot point) and it caused me harm!"

If you dig deep and find that there is something eating at you and can't be let go till you say something to him, write a letter to release it. Then let go. Then it becomes HIS. He can respond or not, you have no control, he can do with it what he wants, you can free yourself. You need not have any dramatic confrontation.

How mom and brother choose to respond is their own doing, and if they chose to turn it into "a mess" thats their choice. You can only do what YOu need to heal, and do it in the kindest, most mature, and honest way you know. It just may trigger their own healing, that they didn't even know they needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Shame is a huge obsacle to healing.
Secrets, taboo, sweeping under the rug = Shame

anger and resentment are huge obsticles to healing.
not forgiving = anger and resentment.

It IS all scary. You know I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

Think about that.







Yes there is..............YOURSELF


Validation.

ohh ya..........

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Great post, Tredding - you have it exactly right.

Ps.
Maybe it wuld help to write two "fake" letters. One to mom and one to Brother. Write to them with no intention of giving it to them, that way you wont be inhibited by what you write. You may be surprized to see what comes out of your pen. Post them here if you think feedback would help you. So SC, what WOULD you write to them? What would you say if you were guaranteed no "fall out" after the fact?

wow tredding that was a fabulous post. and every word is exactly right. i wish i could articulate 1/2 as good!!!

SC in my note i even included that fact that i didn't know what i wanted, that i hoped talking about it would help him too. i truely love my brother very much.

of course, there is probably another big difference here, my brother is not perfect, not even close, but he is no where near the person he was when he was in HS. he really grew up. he turned his life around.

it had nothing to do with me needing anythign from him, it was about me doing this for me.

i can post my note to him on monday (although i honestly am not 100% sure i still have it, i might have destroyed it.)

i also encourage you to write. write what you need to say, worry about what you will do with it later. that is a very good idea.

I just wanted to add another "great post Tredding"...really good stuff! SC, I have no wisdom for you, but just wanted to offer a ((((SC))))...Validation is VERY important, it truly is...Prayers for you...

Mrs. W

bump ^

how ya doing SC??

Hi SC, I was reading your stuff and thinking, 8 and 10, 9 and 11, both of those are fairly young. It makes me wonder what brought your brother to do the things he did. It also makes me wonder if he pulled a knife on you why you didn't tell your mother. Most kids would be running as a tattle tale to say you know what big brother did. I'm assuming it was just your mother and no father at home? I'm always curious about the dysfunction surround the children in a home and how that affects them. What motivates their actions.

I know I'm sounding harsh and I don't mean to be, but things continued and you didn't do anything to stop them like telling on your brother, why? Were you afraid? I mean it went on for a year and half before your mother found out. Did it become a game you felt like you were playing?

You know there was a responsibilty for you and your brother. And even though you were younger, there wasn't that much difference in age not to speak up. I'm not trying to make you a victim again, but somehow your brother at age 10-11, something is not right there. Somehow he is victim too. And I know you feel he hurt you, and maybe I don't understand all the details, but he was child too. The two of you need to talk.

Your mom, well she handled it wrong, but when it comes to something like that, no one knows how to handle it. You don't know what you will do until you get there. It's a big thing that shocks the heck of you and then you try to think of the best thing to say, and you never say the right thing. So what you do is go back and say, I was hurt by what said, I still love, and I forgive you. And then hopefully she can say she is sorry, but at least you have learned to forgive. You have to forgive for yourself.

You know the feeling were complicated by what you said, it felt good, but you were ashamed. It's a strange mix. The temptation of pleasure and the pain of shame. It's something we sex addicts feel all the time. I know I asked some tough questions. But they were meant in love to let you think a little, because we look back through childhood eyes, but we try to reason with adult minds and things just don't work out right in our heads.

askme,

why didn't i tell my mom?? my brother told me not to. that is all it took. we were 5yrs apart. a bit more than SC and her brother, mine brother was about 16/17 when it all was occuring. not a young kid BUT he too was a victim, a victim of a unhealthy environment (my mom was a single mom with 4 kids, an extremely unhappy single mom with lots of hatred in her heart for my dad and step mom. my dad was just cold and emotionally uninvolved.)

and a victim of sexual abuse.

i did not know about when it it occured. i learned about it years later, maybe 10-12 yrs ago.

my brother was abused once by some man in the neighborhood, i believe this occured before my parents even divorced, i would guess he was in jr high at the time.

he told my dad who responded with, "somtimes these things happen"

you are giving SC good questions to think about...

when i confronted my brother, i truely did hope that it might be good for him too.

I'm sure your brother would have rather your dad reached out and wrapped his arms around him and told him how sorry he was. It's difficult to respond to your children in those moments of crisis. You are so stricken with pain yourself you don't know how to minister to the pain of your children. People are just not prepared on how to handle those difficult moments.

Hi again everyone,

Thanks for all your feedback and support. I'm still not sure what I want to do. It has just been in the last few days that I've even considered the possibility that I might want/need to do this. That's after 30 years of doing my best to keep a tight lid on it all, and to deny that it has even had any effect on me. So it may take a bit longer for me to find my way.

WTF, thanks for your quick response. Nothing worse than feeling like you're in crisis mode... reaching out... and hearing crickets chirping. Even though our situations are different, you confirmed for me that everyone must decide for him/herself what path to recovery makes the most sense.

LOF, you asked what I hope to gain. Obviously, I'm not sure. As I said, I don't really have any type of relationship with my brother, so I don't know that I would gain much by talking to him. But I also know that he's troubled (long story). And I wonder if a conversation with him would be helpful to him in some way. As for my mother... well... it's just "there" all the time, ya know? I know she loves me. And like I said, she did a lot of things "right" as a mom. But it's always there lurking in the background. Maybe it's a little bit like that "big white elephant" in the room for BS's whose FWS's refuse to discuss the detials of their affairs. FL and Tredding did a very good job putting into words what I haven't been able to... about why I may need to do this just for me, not for any particular outcome.

Ghost, you are always there for me. Thank you. Yes I remembered about your brother. I think that was very brave of you, especially since you value your relationship with him.

Tredding, I know you are right. Every word. Except that I disagree about fear -- sometimes it's based on real evidence.

AskMe, You ask some very good questions. In a way, I kind of see my brother as a victim too. I have wondered from time to time if this haunts him the way it haunts me. I've also wondered why he was so sexualized so young. But to be honest, I don't have the foggiest idea. It did come to light a few years ago that the pastor of the church we attended as children had molested some boys, but my brother says it didn't happen to him. Who knows?

As for the dynamic in my family that (a) allowed a sibling just 2 years older to victimize me, and (b) kept me from telling... Well, here's how it was, at lest from my perspective:

My brother is my only sibling. We lived in the country with no other kids in our "neighborhood". My father was "in the picture" but he was a workaholic and not really involved in raising us kids. As far back as I can remember, my brother was mean to me -- constantly putting me down, calling me names, playing practical jokes on me, trying to scare me. If I told my mother, she would NEVER repremand him. Instead, she would tell me to "just ignore him". I felt pretty darn lonely most of the time. And I came realize early on that I couldn't count on my mother to protect me from my brother in any way. The way I saw it, no matter what he did, I had to learn to just deal with it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

He would also pull the old "If you play battle ship with me, I'll play house with you after". We'd do what he wanted, then he'd refuse to play what I wanted. In fact, the first time he ever molested me, he had actually offered to "play house". I couldn't believe it, and thought maybe, finally he was going to be nice to me!! When he started touching me, he said, "This is what dads do to moms. It's totally normal, so if you want to keep playing, you have to let me do this."

On top of that, there were always more rules for me "because I was a girl". And when it came to chores -- we both had to do things like mow the lawn and stack fire wood, but only I had to do domestic things like dishes and making the bed.

Many years later, my mother told me the reason she was so easy on him, and harder on me, was because she had read an article that stated that "overbearing mothers make their sons become gay". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Even when she told me that, she wasn't apologizing to me for the unequal treatment we received as kids. She was talking about the fact that his life (at the time anyway) was totally screwed up, and she was lamenting the "fact" that she had failed him. Once again, my perception that my mother's primary focus was "him over me" was reinforced.

So, you see, in my mind... though my brother was only two years older... he had all the power. ALL OF IT. And he was the most favored. He could do no wrong. "Tattling" on him had never had a positive outcome for me in the past, so I had no reason to think it would in this case either. And as it turned out, I was absolutely right, wasn't I?

After several instances, when it started feeling physically good, yes, there was some of that "temptation of pleasure mixed with the pain of shame" you speak of. But be careful, I think you're tredding dangerously close to suggesting "she asked for it" or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I can assure you, I did not ASK for any of this.

--SC

There can be many reasons from molestation to other boys envolving him in sex willingly, but not knowing exactly what he was doing. One of those it feels good, but I'm ashamed. Or as you said it's possible the pastor you mentioned did something or maybe he was exposed to porn. Whatever happened, he was still 10 or 11. I keep wanting to emphasize that, 10 or 11 is young, way too young and you were way too young. Neither one of you should have had those experiences. But you did and they became a part of your life and changed who you were. Did it make you worst or better, no one knows? Do you question if did, yes.

How do you feel with men now? Are you easily victimized by men? Do you allow yourself to be the victim? I was just wondering, sometimes it becomes easy to be the victim once you are a victim. It's overcoming the victim role and taking charge of your life that can be a challenge.

Workaholic dads usually mean they are coping with their emotions through work. Its easier to find identity in work than it is anywhere else. Achieve success in work and you are somebody. But be a good dad, be a good husband, and what does that mean? To a workaholic it doesn't mean as much. See I find it odd even though you didn't feel safe with your mother you didn't find security in your father? In fact you didn't mention your father the first time. I just assume he didn't exist.

And I never believed you asked for any of the abuse. NO CHILD WOULD ASK TO BE ABUSE OR MOLESTED. NO CHILD DESERVES SUCH TREATMENT. But there is that conflict when it starts of pleasure and shame. How can something so shameful, also feel good. Then does it become acceptance with shame?

I'm just asking thought probing questions. You know I think deep on this subject because of my own problems. And I am very aware of others who have journeyed down this road. What you experieced no one should have to experience. What happened, happened though and can't be changed. We can only affect the future and not the past. We live in the present and that is where we most focus our attention at the moment. God says he gives us enough strength for today and I believe that. We have to take things a day at a time. And your healing will come a day at a time. (((SC)))

SC,

I don't have any real advice, since I don't have any experience with this.

I like what LOF says about being clear on what your expectations are from this decision, but understand on how that may be immpossible to do.

Anyway, just wanted to send best wishes.

Mrs. W and rprynne -- Thanks for the hugs and well wishes. It's funny, sometimes I hesitate to post to someone unless I think I have something "solid" to say. But it always means a lot to me whenever someone takes to time just to say they're pulling for me. So, thank you.

ASKME,

I guess I don't know what you're driving at, and I'm beginning to feel a little defensive.



He was. I know this for a fact. That was probably a major factor in all of this. Maybe THE major factor. Interesting that I ended up married to a compulsive porn user, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

But this...


So what?? Why do you want to keep emphasizing that?? What does HIS age at the time have to do with MY experience?? I've already said that I'm sure he didn't grasp the full scope of what he was doing... I've already said that in some ways I also see him as a victim in all of this. I realize it's not the same as when an adult molests a child.

But I've also explained to the best of my ability that from my perspective at that time, he was the favorite child with all the power. Among adults, two years isn't much of an age difference. But think back to when you were a little kid. Think of the kids on the playground who were two grades ahead of you -- heck, ONE grade ahead of you -- and how much older, smarter, more clever, and more POWERFUL than you they seemed at the time. I just don't get your point here, ASKME. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Yup. This is something I'm still sorting through. For years, I tried to deny all the negatives. Focused only on the positives like how it made me more independent and driven. Time to start dealing with the negatives I have refused to acknowledge for so long... and work through the pain. Time to find a balance.


Something else I guess I need to explore a bit. Hmmmm. Honestly -- I'm pretty comfortable with men for the most part. I work closely with two men and have quite a few male friends. But then again, I've also allowed myself to be used by a few guys.. so... I dunno. Probably some issues there I need to figure out. Not sure. Again though, I have to say that I really felt more victimized by my mother than my brother... though I've only recently realized that.


In my life, at that time, he barely did exist. I understand about the workaholic thing -- what drives it and all. But again, what does that have to do with MY experience as a child? It's not like my 8-year-old brain could reason, "Gee, this is the way this man defines himself and shows that he loves his family, by working all the time. So... even though he's on the very outer periphery of my world, he must be a good guy. Therefore I can trust him with this extremely confusing and humiliating secret." On the contrary, I don't think it ever even crossed my mind that I could turn to him.



Perhaps. But if there's some lesson there, I'm afraid I'm not getting it. Are you trying to suggest that I was as much a participant as I was a victim? Well, I think I've already conceded that the line is a little murky there. But all that does is add to my shame.



Yes, ASKME. My goal is not only to accept my past... but to grow from it... find the hidden gift in it... and use it to become a better, stronger, more loving person. Unfortunately, I've got 30 years of twisted thinking and defense mechanisms that have outgrown their usefulness to sort through first.

--SC

Hi SmartCookie--
I thought I'd throw my 2 cents' worth in as well. I'm a sexual abuse survivor too. Quick history: I was an only child with an alcoholic mother and a womanizer father. I was sexually abused by both parents independently. I blocked it all out until my father moved out of state (my mother had died a couple years prior to his move.) When I started 'remembering' and no longer doubted my perceptions--a defense among many survivors with repressed memories--I wrote a letter of confrontation to my father. I was hoping for a show of regret, an apology. I was also hoping he would offer to help pay for therapy. Initially he admitted, in a round-about way, that he'd raped me, (as was his offense, from age 6 to 12), but I learned that my step-mother found my letter and then had him write to me again. His letter was one solid denial topped off with a suggestion that I get a better therapist.

That was about 16 years ago. Since then, I have cut off all contact, put myself through college, got certified to work with rape and incest victims, and am now half-way through a masters' program for the ministry. My advice to all who wonder if they should confront is--as someone else here said--ask yourself what you're expecting for a response. If you don't care what the response is or whether you even get one, I recommend doing it. It should be something you do to facilitate your own healing, to take your power back. Do not confront if you are hoping, as I did, for an admittance of guilt and/or a show of apology and subsequent support.

Forgiveness should NEVER be the first thing anyone attempts to do. In order to forgive your abuser, you first have to work through the whole spectrum of emotions that come with healing. It is a PROCESS. You have to come to a place where you finally feel okay with yourself, that you can accept that sexual abuse is part of your history, (I'm NOT saying to condone it or that it was okay that it was done), and that it no longer plays a big role in your life. It took me roughly 6 years to reach that stage. I was always grinding an ax, always angry and hateful toward my father. I knew I had forgiven him when I could let it go and move on, when I no longer held expectations of him. I simply cancelled his debt. My father and I don't communicate because I choose to surround myself with healthy, loving, and supportive people. My entire family of origin is steeped in substance abuse and other destructive behaviors, so I don't communicate with them either. I'm no Pollyanna, but I know that they challenge boundaries of all kinds, so who need 'em!?

Someone here said that they chose not to confront or reveal the abuse because it wasn't that bad or severe. The truth is that abuse is abuse, whether it was rape, fondling, bursting into the bathroom whenever you were in there, or always making sexual remarks to you. They are all boundary violations and they are all meant to rob you of your power. And when a parent doesn't offer you the protection from the abuser that you deserve, they are, in effect, giving power to the abuser, even if it's a sibling.

Maybe what I'm saying here has all been said already (I didn't read all the posts), but I can validate your feelings, your uncertainty, and your fears. Don't rush the growth and healing process. Stick with your councellor, and also try a survivor therapy group if you can; it was the best thing I ever did for myself and can't recommend it highly enough.

Keep up the great work on yourself! I wish you the very best!