Will you let me ask more questions if I say I'm sorry for making you feel defensive? I didn't mean to make you feel that way. We ask questions in our men's group to challenge each other to think about things. It's not meant to hurt or put someone on the defensive, but it can cause them to be reactive. The idea is to make them think and feel and maybe get emotional. If you connect to your feelings you are more likely to connect back to something that helps you understand. Have you ever seen Good Will Hunting as Robin Williams trys to get to the root of Matt Damon's problem? He just keeps asking questions and talking until he gets there. So here are a couple more questions if you don't mind. Also, I am very compasionate about what you went through. I understand more than you know because it's very close to home.

About your brother, if ages had been reversed and you had been 12 and he were 10, do you think things would have been different? Is it the age that gave him the power or the adults (parents) that gave him the power?

I was curious what you would say about your father. Have you ever been angry with him for not protecting you? You were angry at your mother, I was just curious why you were not angry at your father? I know your mother is the one who found out and made the wrong comment, but what did your father say?

Endures,
Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I'm sorry for what you went through, though it sounds as if you've come to terms with it. That's encouraging.

Well, I'm not expecting -- or even hoping for -- anyting in particular FROM them. If I had to guess what their reaction would be -- I'd say defensiveness and justifications. If I happen to get an appology, support, or even validation, I guess I'd consider that a pleasant surprise. A bonus. But I'm not expecting any of that. Nor do I really feel I "need" any of that.

It may be as simple as a desire to "clear the air".

This whole idea of "confrontation" came up during my last counseling session. We were discussing what can happen to a person when they reveal a secret they've been keeping for a long time.. how it can make a person feel off-balance or out-of-sorts for awhile.

I brought up the question -- what does it even mean to "reveal" a secret? I mean, it's not like I'm going to place an ad in the paper... or start introducing myself, "Hi. I'm smartcookie, attorney, mother of two, childhood sex-abuse survivor. Nice to meet you." (Just for the record, I'm not an attorney. I just didn't want to disclose my 'real' occupation.)

Anyway.... No. The real element of secrecy that still hovers over me is the fact that I've never cleared the air with my FOO. As I've said, I hardly ever see or speak to my brother, but when I do I try to keep it pleasant. And on the surface, I have a pretty typical relationship with my parents... but there's this HUGE thing that happened... something that really did a number on my mental health... that we've NEVER again discussed or put into perspective. It's almost like a family secret... that we're keeping from EACH OTHER. Very strange.



This is the part I want to ask you more about, endures (or anyone else who wants to chime in).

What you said above makes perfect sense to me. Problem is, I already did it backwards. First, I spent my adolescent and teenage years trying to pretend it never happened and detatching from my family. I wasn't even consciously aware I was doing it. But by the time I was in high school, I was involved in so many activies, I'd leave the house at 7:30 a.m.... and not come home until 5:30 or so in the evening. On the weekends, I would spend the night at a freind's house as often as possible.

And I didn't really understand what had happened. I didn't even have a label for it. I had never even heard of 'sexual abuse' at the time. And it didn't occur to me until a few years later that that's what had happened to me. It was just some big, ugly, humiliating, shameful "thing" that didn't make any sense... that made me feel horrible about myself... and that was too confusing and painful to think about -- so I didn't.

By the time I got to the point that I could even start looking at what had happened, I was probably in my 20's. By then, I was applying adult logic to my childhood situation... which led me to justify the actions of my brother (he was just a kid) and my mother (she didn't know any better) and put all the blame on myself (I should have... could have... It wasn't that bad... I need to just get over it... etc).

Anyway, once you start looking at it from that perspective (ie understanding why my mother and brother did what they did) it's hard to go back and work through the range of emotions, and go through the process properly. Does that make any sense? Any thoughts or advice on that?

My counselor suggested I try writing an "angry, out of control, stream of consciousness" letter to my mother. One that I would never send... just to get it out of my system. I couldn't do it. Just couldn't tap into any anger. How do you get mad at someone when you've already decided that you understand why they behaved the way they did? I just sat there in front of my computer and cried. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Funny, some people might think that's sad. But I don't. I agree with you. You don't get to pick your FOO... and if all they do is drag you down... it's more healthy to cut ties.

All of a sudden, it occurs to me that this might touch on what I'm REALLY afraid of. I've become comfortable keeping my family at a safe distance. Generally speaking, they're not so disfunctional or harmful to me that I wan't to cut them out of my life alltoghter. But if I take down this wall between us... they might get closer... and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. YIKES. (See... all this rambling really can be helpful, lol).


Thank you, thank you, thank you for that, endures. Why is it that kindness and understanding always makes me cry? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

--SC

SC makes cookies for a living!

{{{{SC}}}} boy can i relate to that!

Hi again ASKME.


Interesting. Before I even saw this post, I was thinking about our exchanges so far, and I realized how much they have helped me for exactly the reason you describe.

When you say -- or ask -- something that ellicits an emotional or defensive response from me... one of two things happen: (1) I realize I'm feeling defensive because I don't want to face a certain aspect of the situation, Which forces me to be more honest with myself. Or (2) I decide I really do deserve to defend myself, which helps me to stop blaming myself for everything. You can hear "it wasn't your fault" a million times... but until you internalize it and truly believe it... it doesn't do any good.

So please keep it coming.



Interesting question. Hypotheticals are always hard to answer. I don't think its an "either/or" situation. I think it was a combination. Age differnce + family dynamic = victimization. If either part of the equation had been different, there might have been a different outcome.

Like I said before, when you're that young... two years is a big deal. If I had been older, the dynamic between me and my brother would probably have been different. All of his previous teasing and taunting and meanness may not have had such an effect on me. I might not have cared so much whether he "liked" me.. or "approved of" me.. or whatever. So, even if the adults "gave him more power"... I might have been able to use my age to get the upper hand. I might have felt as though I were in a better position to say "get away from me you little creep", instead of thinking "well, I don't like this, but the alternative might be worse, so I guess I have-to put-up with it."

On the other hand, if my parents (mother) had treated us more equally, I may have had the courage to put a stop to it EVEN THOUGH he was older. Even if I couldn't stop it on my own... I may have felt safer/braver to tell and get help.


To this day, ASKME, I have no idea whether my father even knows what happened. No idea.

--SC

Hi Ghost! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SC,

i was unable to get mad at my brother. i don't think that is a bad thing. if your attempts at writing a "angry, out of control, stream of consciousness" letter to your mom did get you anywhere, maybe that is not what you need. that is not what i needed.

i completely believe writing to her would be good for you. don't put any expectations on what needs to be in the letter, just write. let it figure itself out along the way. it takes time, i don't recall exactly how long but it took me many months of writing some, letting it sit, writing again, etc etc... then i sat on it from feb till nov!! i didn't realize i sat on it that long. but it is in my outbox, nov 23, 2005

i'm not sure i agree with the stmt that you cannot first forgive.

i think healing and forgiveness are seperate. i don't believe you can only forgive if you first heal. or you can only heal if you first forgive.

everyone's situation is unique.

i did find the letter to my brother... funny, reading it now, it does not seem nearly as long as when i wrote it!! i also was surprised to find that reading it did NOT impact me negatively. i was afraid maybe it would.

let me know if you want to see it.

HI SC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

do you want to know?

what would it mean to you if he did know?

what would it mean to you if he did not know?

SC I'm glad Endures wrote what they did. If you look at the questions I was driving at I was trying to pull you around to see some of the similar things on your own. You said your brother had the power, but his power actually came and was enabled by adults who should have been protecting you. Your father was a workaholic away from the home, which does not contribute to your protection, it places more of a burden on your mother to provide that protection. Your mother may have been under who knows what kind of stress at the time and did what she could, but it still failed you. Your brother was a child and the adults who should have seen what was happening, the adults who should have been the protectors, the adults who should have kept a watchful eye afterwards, the adults who should have sought help for you, FAILED YOU. It's ok to be angry and know that in most families this would not have happened.

Now I don't know their backgrounds, but I'm guessing they weren't psychologists or psychiatrists or social workers. And maybe your mother and dad had dysfunctions of their own. So maybe, just maybe they thought they were handling things the best they knew how to do. It doesn't mean it was handled right, it just means they handled it like they thought they knew how to do. You suddenly hit and kill someone standing in the middle of the street with your car, quick what do you do? If we didn't have a 911 button to push most of us would be lost what do next.

You said you couldn't pull out the emotions and I guess that is what I was trying to do. I wanted to stir some emotions.

I have adult children, and my FIL molested my children and it created other problems for my son and daughter. And right now my daughter is dealing with a psychotic breakdown, which I am caring for her. So I really understand how all this mess screws up children. I sit in the psychiatrist office each week with her and counseling. I hand her the medication each night. And I think this is my baby who is suppose to be in college and it just pisses me off what my FIL did. So I have asked all the questions over and over again. And sometimes there just aren't answers, but you still ask the questions just in case there are.

Hi SC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />,
Before i give my 2 cents again, I think I should add that although I got some goods pats on the back for my post to you, I failed to disclose my own situation. I fling the advice better than i practice what i preach <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

My story is eerily the same as SC's. Although I have trouble using the word molestation, i don't know why. But I was fondled reapeately by my brother who is 3 years older than me, my best guess is about the same age as as SC's abuse and probably the same duration but it's so hazy, i can't be sure.

Just to add a little humor here, I know it was before i grew breasts because I thought my brothers touching caused them to grow early and big (for the age at the time)...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> So i was about ten when i developed so it was earlier than that. (laugh, I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />)

Just to add, when I was 16, my sisters first husband attempted to rape me. Ya, that really messes with your mind first my brother then my brother in law? I MUST be doing something wrong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have never confronted my brother and the big difference from SC's story is I never told anyone, my parents still don't know. There is only one person i told, about 2 years ago I think because she told me about her, recently (a long story) I blurted it out to my husband during a very heated fight (he was making fum of someone who was molested <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)


The rest of my story will unfold as i reply to the many comments made here, I find this thread very helpfull, you all have said some great things that not ony helped SC but were things i really needed to here.

SC, hearing your story, so helps me be brave enough to examine my own sitch which I have shrugged off for years.....THANKS. Maybe sharing mine will help you further reflect, and find some answers to you pain.




Dito



I don't really remember thinking it felt good, but I don't remember thinking it was awful either, what DID feel good was the attention from my brother, whom tormented me most of the time, and to me at the time it felt like positive attention, affection I guess.



I never thought of it as abuse, but I knew it was wrong. I just thought it was "playing doctor" kind of thing, curiousity, maybe it happened in most families. But it was definaetly a mind game and I was not mature enough to recognize that then, I was coerced, it started as a game, the part that kills me is I remeber laughing. He would always try to catch me coming out of the shower, I'd be in a towel and he would forcably take me to his room and try to rip my towel off, I remember always yelling no, and to cut it out, but I remember fighting him off and laughing, he would eventually suceed and he would forcably pin me down (kneeling on my arms) on his bean bag chair and fondle me, I remember struggling and saying no. I think back and see all the ways in which I could of prevented it, but don't know why I was so clueless then. SC, even the knife thing, that didn't happen during one of the fondling times but my brother did put a knife through my bedroom door once. Mind you I grew up in a seemingly perfect little middle class suburbs, a development right out of the "wonder years".

ASKME:

Okay, I DID tell my mom about the knife, i got yelled at for screaming and crying, and was told i was so "over dramatic". I did tell on my brother-in-law, mom's response to that was the horror that i told a friend before I told them (this friend got me to tell) not of the incident itself, to add, my recent admission to my H about my brother resulted in the same way, the person I confided in because they had the same sitch was the person he was making fun of and his response was not shock or compassion of what happened to me but that i "went and told her" not him. So "telling" or not telling can be deep seeded fears from people messing with your mind (no matter how old they are I might add). I never when to my parents about my brother cuz I felt just as responsible, didn't see all that much wrong with it, and didn't even understand what "it " was.

Askeme, the staement "most kids" is important here, most kids didn't hav ethe same dysfuction of our families, when you grow up with a certain enviroment your choices are not the same as if it was a healthy enviroment, its confusing to a kid. For example, the dysfunction of my family..... I knew how "things" were, and heres an example of how thnigs "were" in my family, after i did tell on my brother-in-law (and iwas terrified, he was stalking me after work and I knew it would distroy my sisters marriage),
1- my mom was more upset that I told someone outside the family, and concerned about my B who took off to go find and kill my BIL.
2- my B later more or less said i was asking for it and he could "foresee" it, and wasn't surprised
3- my sister asked me what the ****** *I* was crying about, how do I think *she* feels, that her H wasn't very interested in having SF with her but goes after her 16 year old sister, and how bad it all was for her. My S is 8 years older than me so she was 24.

So emotional abuse sure can make one clam up.



I stuggle with this too, I don't feel i resisted enough, i think I liked the attention. My brother was mean but i idolized him, i was that pesky little sister that just wanted to hang out with my big brother.



My brother has been estraged for 10 years, so i feel no need at all for confrontation, there is no relationship.



Yes of course there is REAL fear, but the ones that are painful and f*** us up are the the fears from false evidence, if someone starts yelling at you that you a "chair", obviously there is no doubt that your NOT a "chair", it doesn't hurt, its comical and it doesn't really effect you, the struggles we find painful are the ones jumbled in our head with conflicting thoughts and feelings and contradictions, if you are able to see the false evidence that somewhere was instilled in you that is not true, you we feel the fear subside........dig deep. Your mom has some false evidence, it may still appear real to you...dig deeper.



Dito! i have no idea if he remembers, I've not only wonder why he was so sexual at a young age, but why was I???? I don't know if all my sexual feeling were post my brothers abuse or before. My brother was obsessed with porn and drawing naked women, hes also is an alcoholic.



Well, i grew up in a neighborhood over run with kids to play with, and plenty to do, but it still happened to me, don't know if thats a factor. My brother was mean exactly the same way, no he was not punished or repremanded either. I was also told to ignore it, or i was yelled at for tattling wining yelling or crying. I learned eary on too that my tears meant nothing(i'll give yo something to cry about) and they were unacceptable and I was on my own. I wont go into the endless examples of how my B was mean, but I will share this one cuz it ties alot of what we're discussing in together. My brother had a treefort, it was cool and big and high up and well made, i wasn't allowed up there. One day my brother invited me up, i was shocked and so thrilled (all i wanted was my B to like me), well i went up and the walls in the entire place were walpaperes will playboy pictures, mostly close up shot of just womens genetilia (not breasts). He humiliated me, as his friend(s) were there, and laughed as he said"she doesn't even know what it is" " do you know what that is". I played it cool like it didn't bother me and that I did know what it was. But this shows the porn connection to abuse, the mind set of my brother and how "powerful" he thought he was, and was able to manialate me through humilation for I would have no self-esteem, keep things to myself and tolerate untolerable behavior, if you multiply this sort of behavior over the amount of years since I was born, you can see the damage and why one can becaome 'controled' by another person.


Dito



My mom must have read the same article, she was quite fearful of my brother being a "wimp" etc. She was always repeating this statement later on when we were older, almost a slef talk to ease her own guilt "well' you don't want him to grow up and be a wimp either". well she did her job, he became very unwimpy, cigarette smoking, beer drinking, harley riding, bad boy girls loved, alcoholic that was arrested 5 times. The focus was always on my brother, from my mom's messed up parenting skills when he was young to the obbsessing over him after he became an aldult with multiple problems. It was all about him. I think she forgot she had two daughters.


DITO!!! DITO!!! DITO!!!


ASKME:

I think i addressed this, manipulation combined with negative experiences without having adult sofistication, is why. I hope this question is just to play devils advocate to alleviate the guilt of NOT telling by causing introspection. SC, if this question bothers you, you should try to find a way to peel the layers away on that guilt, an 8 years old only has 8 years experience on this earth, who knows exactly why, a multitude of factors, doesn't make it right, I just want ot say to this question.....I was stupid and afraid at the time. Period...Oh well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ASKME:

Thanks for this question askme, for me, I used to always go after guys with girlfiends, they never left their girlfriends, i was always used. i have never looked at this before. Even with my own husband, for years i alowed porn to be a part of our SF, i never liked it, made me feel dirty and bad, and i don't think porn is okay, but I allowed it for years.



Defensiveness is a sign of FEAR, gain this is where false evidence appearing real comes in. If you feel defensive, there is work to be done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Ya it is interesting, there in NO coincidence. And yes i am married to and alcohlic just like my brother. My H used to be obbsessed with porn, just like my brother.


YES YES YES


dito


It never crossed my mind to turn to my parents at all.


Murky murky here too.


SC, do you know how brilliant this staement is???? That is your answer sweetie!!!! It is difficult to think that we must look at our own shortcomings when it is others that owe US amends! But that is truly where our healing lies. Our shortcomigs are only our assets and strenths gone astray. They worked as children but f*** with us now, the defensiveness will subside when you get to the root of your shortconings, and we don't lose our shortcomings we just rechannel them in a possitive fashion that will work in our life today. SC, you WILL be okay!!!!
(((((((((((((((SC))))))))))))))))))

ENDURES:

Thank you so much, endures, i needed to hear that! I think your post was enlightening.

To me, it means being able to talk about something you feel ashamed of, so it will lose its power, to shine a realistic light on it, set it free, and lose the shame.


same here about my brother in law, never discussed again, and as far as my revealing my abuse from my B to my H, my H never said a word about it again.



Theres no backwards, we become aware of and deal with what we can first, everyone is different.



DITO


ummmm, SC, there is no way to go throught the process "properly". It is hard to go back and feel those emotions, period.

GHOST:

I have never felt mad at my brother, and I have lots of other issues with him aside from this. HMMMM...interesting, I still love my B very much and am filled with sadness for him, I think hes lived with pain and illness (aloholism) and I have compassion for him. Geese SHOULD I hate him?

GHOST: I agree, ones own path to healing comes as ones awareness unfolds, there is no right way to do it, you just find tiny answers one day at a time living the process. And the process is a life time.

Don't stop growing SC, you are doing great!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />TD

Ghost,

I think you're right about the writing... and writing... and rewriting... and rewriting. I do like to write, and it helps me organize my thoughts (big shocker, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) And I think I'll try Tredding's approach -- write as if there would be no consequences to worry about -- rather than trying to go for any particular emotion. (I think there's actually a good reason my counselor was going for anger... but that's another story.)

As for your questions about my father -- I'm not sure it really matters in the long run whether or not he knew. If he knew and didn't do anything, then yes, he failed me too. But even if he had wanted to do something... I'm sure he wouldn't have known WHAT to do. If I had to place a bet, my money would be on "he doesn't know it happened." If he does know, he probably thought my mother was in a much better position to handle it than he was, so he just stayed out of the way.

ASKME,


Mission accomplished. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am so sorry for what your daughter and your entire family is going through right now.
(((((ASKME's daughter))))). May she find some answers that bring her peace very soon.

Love,
--SC

Hi again Tredding,

I think we were posting at the same time. Just a couple of quick comments:



Lol, Tredding. I find it much easier to solve other people's problems too. Funny how that works, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


So tell us, TD, what's your cup size?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> JUST KIDDING -- DO NOT ANSWER THAT!


Okay, all kidding aside now. ASKME can certainly speak for himself, but I do think he was playing devil's advocate in his earlier posts. It kind of threw me for a loop, too, because I know how compassionate he is from other threads. But after reading his last post, I think I get what he was trying to do... and I appreciate it.

Tredding, the similarities in our stories are eerie, aren't they? Our mothers' attitude about raising boys vs girls... our brothers' treatment of us and fascination with porn... how we felt about ourselves... the fact that we can't nail down an exact time frame (especially wierd for me because I have many very vivid, very early childhood memories!)... that we married men with porn problems. And a couple of things I hadn't even mentioned -- my brother has also been arrested a couple of times, and has had issues with alcohol and marijuana. And although I wouldn't necessarily classify my H as an alcoholic, he does drink more than I would consider healthy. If you tell me that your maternal grandfather was an alcoholic, I think I'll faint! Mine was. Are you sure we're not the same person? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

One big difference -- I don't hate my brother, but I don't love him either. On my better days, I do feel a little sorry for him, but most of the time I'm more-or-less indifferent to him. And if I'm being really honest about it -- I like it that way.

--SC

yes , my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic, so was my fraternal grandfather! Which makes both my parents what they call adult children of alcoholics, which explains alot of how I was parented even though my parents didn't drink. Alcoholism is passed down even without the alcohol. I know my mothers story, its long, so I have a awareness and understanding of why she's the way she is(my dad has a long story too, but I don't seem to have a s many wounds from him), but the pain already in my subconscious from chilhood didn't have that reasoning back then so the wounds/pain are there. Can't rewrite childhood but i can change my attitudes, behaviors and shortcomings from it, and that is when we heal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi SC--
Regarding your 'backwards' forgiveness process: I'm wondering if maybe what you described was more dissociation than forgiveness. We survivors will distance ourselves from the trauma by all kinds of means, such as forgetting (which is what I did),'distancing' ("it happened so long ago. It in the past now.") keeping super busy and buring oneself in books and things, getting into drugs, etc. In other words, anything that keeps you from actually dealing with the trauma. Forgiveness comes when you have properly healed. I don't believe it's possible to forgive the abuser until one can acknowledge the abuse, assess the damage, experience the grief and anger, and then begin to move on. Once one has put the feelings to rest--that is, to have acknowledged them, felt them, and are beginning to feel 'okay' or accepting of the past--the forgiveness comes. And in my experience, the forgiveness happened on its own. I just realized one day that I was no longer harboring resentment or vengefulness toward my father. He just wasn't important or owning me any longer. I then realized I'd let him and the abuse go.

SC, you may be more afraid of your family's rejection than their embrace. Most often, we (survivors) want more than anything for our families to love and accept us on our terms. But the reality is that they didn't protect us or give us the unconditional love and validation that we deserved. So we go through life carrying the horrible weight of never feeling good enough. That is where the self-blame comes in. After all, if our own family doesn't love us or keep us safe, there must be something wrong with us! Actions speak much louder than words!

We continue trying to prove to our family that we really are good, really worthy of having their love and acceptance. But they are most often incapable of giving us what we truly need. It's not your fault. You didn't make them the way they are. You just happened to get them as family--luck of the draw, as they say!

I left my computer for a while to watch "Lost" and I can't go back to re-read your post. I've forgotten all that you'd written. But I hope I've answered your questions at least little bit! I'd advise you not to hurry to confront or forgive. YOu have a right to your anger as well as your grief. In terms of the "stream of consiousness" writing, I could never use that method to reach my anger either. It's not for everyone, so don't fret, my friend! I think that this type of deep-seated anger requires a different type of work. I absolutely agree with you that you can't express anger you don't feel. And the reason you can't feel it is because it's too scary. Survivors I've worked with have all said that they feared if they truly expressed their anger, they'd lose control. But the opposit is actually true. The unexpressed anger causes us to behave in out-or-control ways, as with addictions and such. And sometimes we misdirect the anger instead of pointing it squarely at the source.

Find a method of expression you feel comfortable starting out with, SC. One method that may work well is to write a letter to your brother on behalf of "little SC". Pretend you are the grown-up caretaker for the little 'you'. If you think of yourself as the advocate for the little girl whose brother abused her with no one stepping in to protect her, you may find the anger will come up more easily. If only tears come, then that's what needs to come. Don't rush the process.

I found that humor helped me work through my anger too. One of the things I did was to sign my father up for every humiliating product on the market! I imagine his mailbox got flooded with pamphlets on penis enhancement, hair loss, flatulance, bad breath, you name it! I even sent my step-mother a men's shoe kit for good measure! So, don't worry, my friend, if you listen to your inner voice, the unspoiled core of who you are, you will be okay. Like I've said so many times before, it's a process. Trust that process. If you keep a journal, write in it faithfully. If not, I sincerely recommend starting one. Write for all you're worth--and that's A LOT!

I'm sorry for the rambling post! Ask me anything you want. I'll be happy to answer as best I can.
Hugs,
Leslie (Endures4evr)

I think you figured it out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> One thing I want to point out. We all look at things from a relative positive, our own mind. It's hard to look from the perspective of others. We don't have anyone else's background, their pains, their hurts, their needs, or anything else that might affect their decisions. It's why it's so hard to understand what happened sometimes. It's why it's hard to understand why someone let us down. I have been hurt over and over by people I trust. It why I turned to my sexual addiction. I gave up people and just started seeking anyone who would listen to me and enjoy a moment with me and make the pain go away. It's not the right way to handle life, but why people you have trusted fail you over and over, you just want to give up and either die or fix the pain.

I personally did confront my mother and my stepfather when I was younger about his abuse. She didn't believe me, and I was forced to live in the house with him all those years until I got married and moved out.

Once I had a child I confronted her again, and cut off all contact with him. It was hard, but one of the best things I ever did- because I didn't have to play relationship with him again, ever.

Both of them are dead now. She never believed me, but I have no doubt that she now knows I was telling the truth.

Abuse is abuse- whether it's a small thing or not. It's in whatever is appropriate and one is not any less than the other IMO.

I was abused as a child, age 9. Dept. of social services took me out of the home, the last day of the 4th grade, adn I moved into my grandparents home. After a year or two, i moved in with my mom and my step-dad moved out. Then, I guess another year went by and SD moved back in. The worst of the abuse stopped by there was always abuse in the house towards me. I mentioned it a few times to my mom but my SD would say I was lying or something like that! I have NC with my mom except for a phone call once or twice a year.

Smartcookie,

I was sexually abused (including incest) by my father’s youngest brother between the ages of 2 and 5. My uncle is 13 years older than me so at the time of the abuse he was between the age of 15 and 18. I was also sexually molested by my own father (fondling) until I was around 8/9 years.

I felt outraged for many years... The thing I felt most angry about was the lost of childhood innocence and the betrayal I suffered by people who were suppose to protect me in stead. I found it unable to forgive my abusers and put things in the past until I've finally confronted them and received an apology from both of them. In the letters I have sent them, I have let them know exactly what the abuse did to me and how it affected me throughout my life. It was the hardest thing I ever did (to find the courage to finally send those letters and confront them), but I know I needed to do that if I wanted to recover and put things behind me. And I needed to do that for my own emotional and spiritual well-being and sanity...to get validation and acknowledgement for my feelings and be heard...that was very important to me. Luckily my counselor and friend – a wonderful Christian woman - and my H, were there to support me throughout the whole process. I don’t think I would be able to do that without their support… Anyway, after my father and uncle received the letters, I received a phone call from both of them and they requested to talk to me in person…and during those face-to-face conversations they sincerely apologized to me. It also came out during the conversation with my uncle, that he was sexually abused as a child himself.

It took me more than 25 years to find the courage and strength to finally confront my abusers and get things out in the open. I would say all those years fear, shame and misplaced guilt was the one thing that prevented me from confronting my abusers and exposed them. Fear of humiliation, fear of embarrassment, fear of conflict etc, etc. Also, I was very ashamed of what happened to me and didn’t had the courage to talk about it. The greatest shame & guilt I’ve suffered all those years was the fact that – like you - during the abuse my body started to react positively on the abuse and I enjoyed it at times. Today I realize my guilt and shame was totally misplaced and that I couldn't control (and therefore couldn't take the blame) for my body's natural biological reactions - especially since the abuse wasn't accompanied by physical violence and was done by people I love and trusted at the time. This made the betrayal so much more severe for me...but of course I could only realize this untill I was much older and started to understand the immorality and devastation of their past actions.

^^^Bump for Smartcookie^^^

Thank you all so much for your responses. It's really helping me to work through this. I haven't posted in a few days because I've been busy and I needed to take a break from thinking about this so much. I was getting a little depressed. I'm better now, and I'm sure I'll be back soon to ask for more input.
Thanks again,
--SC

(((smartcookie)))

I'll pray for you. You need to do whatever possible to help yourself heal and recover from the demons of your past. I know it's not easy...so I wish you strenght and courage in this regard.

If you might decide to confront your mother and brother I can recommend a very good self-help book to assist you with this process - it's called "Toxic Parents" written by the therapist, Dr Susan Forward. The book also deals with confrontation and healing from sexual abuse. Although the title of the book refer only to Parents, the book can be used to confront any person/family member who abused you as a child. I’ve read the book myself and it was of much help.

God Bless,
Suzet