I'm new here so I hope someone can help me. I'm a 27 year old male that has been married for five years, we also have a beautiful four year old daughter. It has really all started about 5 months before we got married. I went out of town and received a call about 2:00am the first night from my fiancee crying saying that she loved me and missed me. I later found out that one of her friends had come over with two guys that I had worked with. She said they had a drink or two and watched a movie "Nothing Happened", but the 2:00am crying phone call made me wonder. About a month later I found out that she was pregnant with my child and we got married. I realize us living together and having sex was not right and I have paid dearly. It took me over 6 months to drag the truth little by little out of her, she had lied aboaut a lot of smaller details. She swore she never was attracted to or have any kind of relationship with anyone that night. I married her and tried to let it go and start our marriage fresh. Over the years we had kind of grown a little further apart and more disrespectful of one another. Last year she took a new job in a doctors office. She started acting a little different, wanting to go to the bar and have a few drinks with her friends. I told her to go ahead and she did every once in a while for an hour or so. She would call me while she was there and let me know she was ok. I also did the same with coworkers. We got more and more distant and eventually she found a male doctor friend at work and invited him to play on our softball team. He did and she seemed to start paying more attention to him. I spotted this right away and voiced my concerns, she told me he was just a friend. One night after a softball game we went to a bar with friends and him. My wife and I had a lot to drink and she started arguing with me so we left. We argued all the way home and she left out of the house mad. She showed back up at 3:00am, she was gone about three hours. She said that she met up with on of her girl friends and they talked. After a couple of weeks I found out that she went and met him. She told me they ate some fast food and drove around talking and that nothing happened. I researched her cell phone bill and found out that she had called him three times after that and even on my daughters bday. She has since quit her job and broken off all contact with him to prove that she wants our marriage to work. I am still deeply struggling with what actually happened that night and now even the night before we got married is bothering me again. I can't hardly make love to her without a wall being between us, It's hard for me to show affection or anything. I don't know if I can believe her after all the lies. We even went to marriage counseling and it didn't seem to help. Sorry for rambling on I just don't know where to turn. Thanks

L1,

Welcome to MB. The pix is the same, just different names, times and places. Scary isn't it?!?!?

Ok, here's the quick skinny on what t/d.

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Take the EN questionnaire
3. Read His Needs/Her Needs.
4. Secure your finances
5. Create a support group (doesn't have t/b all people), just whatever gives you strength (as long as it is legal ) .

6. Call Jennifer C for some MB phone counseling and getting a recovery plan in place. 1st recovery 4 u then if he is willing for your M.

7. Don't force your children to spend time with a Ws. They deserve their parent NOT a WS.

8. Identify your boundaries. Implement them.

9. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

10. Do a background check on the OP and expose as needed. Make sure your reasons are legit.

That's for starters.

Losing, your wife paying attention to another man, going out for happy hour too frequently, lies, meeting "a friend" for support...all of these are big red flags that an adultery might be ongoing. BUT, the things that you say show me a pattern too disjointed for one right now. Some betrayed spouses out here have seen thousands of cell phone minutes used up in hundreds of calls and text messages. Three phone calls indicates something might have been developing, but it doesn't seem it did. It sounds like she chose the wrong person to get counsel from after a blowup with you, but it doesn't sound to me like an affair.

That your wife quit her job and cut off all contact is excellent evidence she is actually NOT in an affair with the other man. Wayward spouses resist those actions with every ounce of their strength. It was inappropriate for her to go to this other man for support and sympathy after a fight with you, but I get the feeling she recognized it (he may have also) and I think she ended it before it became worse than it could have been.

I can be wrong. I'm human and I reserve the right to be wrong often, but I've read hundreds, if not thousands of threads out here and I just do not get the feeling from reading your words that she is actually involved with another man at this point. I have no idea what happened years ago. It may be what you seem to fear most, but it could also be much less serious. Relating the two events, though, seems to me to be a mistake with what you know now.

Is there anything more to tell us? Does she leave the room to take or make cell phone calls? Are there a disturbing number of times when she's not where she says she's going to be? If you drop by her new job, has she left for parts unknown? Does she go to the supermarket and take an especially long time, coming home with little to show for it? Does she spend an inordinate amount of time online and hide the webpage she's on when you come in the room? These are some of the signs a spouse is cheating. Here's a link with more indicators:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post1006145


If you're still unsure, how about clicking on the link in my signature block to a thread about mounting an intelligence operation to find out? It's called "Spying 101" and it'll give you tips on how to get definitive information, one way or the other.

Again, pardner, I just don't get the impression your wife is actually straying, but if you have other incidents or behavior that trigger something inside you, please tell us. Also, don't take offense at this, when you do write long posts, please, please, please remember that paragraphs are your friends. Long posts consisting of one paragraph are hard to read and readers can miss something vital. Okay?

Hang in there, friend.

I agree with Longhorn. The fact that she quit her job speaks of her intentions. Usually, if they are having an affair, they refuse.

However, I think you need to hang out here for awhile and get your marriage back on track. You should be leaving your daughter with a babysitter and spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Also check out the emotional needs questionairre here and see if you can start meeting each other's most important ones.

Thanks, and sorry for the absence of paragraphs. I read the signs of an affair and she had definitely had a renewed interest in her appearance. I don't know if it was in my mind but it even seemed like her taste in undergarments changed for the worse.

According to her, everything was always in my head. I think maybe I am making things worse than it was, Is that normal or should I trust my instincts? I don't know how to respect her anymore. I want to hold her and love her but I just can't seem to get the thoughts out of my head. Will it go away?

Well...Losing, unfounded suspicions can kill a marriage but instincts are a good thing. Is that ambiguous enough? Sorry.

Here’s the thing. While the items you told us yesterday most certainly can be indications a spouse is straying, they appeared to be isolated incidents with no pattern of behavior stringing them together. Now you add another item (renewed interest in her appearance) which is also a possible red flag…though it too seems to stand by itself. Still, now I’m beginning to wonder what else you didn’t tell us. For instance, is she now going to a gym now where she had no interest before? Does she stay there for extended periods?

Are there any other things you haven't told us yet that strike you as odd? Please don't give them out piecemeal if there are. You have complete anonymity out here. Use it. Lay everything out you can think of.

The big thing standing in the way of a conclusion she might be having an affair is the fact she quit that job and agreed to no contact with that guy at the hospital. You haven’t told us of any unexplained absences in her 24/7 schedule. Nor have you related any events separated by weeks/months where she’s not where you expect she should be which might indicate an on-again-off-again or an internet affair. Affairs take time out of one’s schedule, if you see what I mean, and they require a means of communication. You haven’t yet told us of anything suspicious in those areas.

I still don't see a pattern here, friend, but make sure you've told us everything, okay?

I'm going to assume there isn't much you're going to tell us in reply. If there's not, you've been hurt by her turning to another person for comfort when she should have talked things out with you. Anger is a terrible thing though. It leads us to places we don’t want to go and wouldn’t go on our own accord. It could be as simple as that.

If there’s nothing else, you have shown you recognize you and your wife have grown distant but I don't see you've done anything about it. You two are prime candidates for a good counseling session or two with one of the Harleys. If you can't do that, shop around in your local area for a well experienced, pro-marriage counselor. Reading between the lines, it seems to me you and your wife don't communicate well anymore and that needs to change. Find a good one, okay?

Again thank you for taking time with me. I really believe she has nothing going on right now. My biggest obsession is the idea that maybe something did happen and I will never know about it. I work so hard to not allow these things happen from my side that it is very painful that she may have let someone in on her side.

It's been about seven months since this all took place and I still can't stop obsessing over it. I can't stop wondering and everytime we get close again something inside me pulls me away. Something says "she's lying, she's a cheat and it will happen again". I love her, but I don't want to find out ten years down the road or maybe it happens again and i'm older and have wasted years.

I know it sounds bad but I just want to be able to hold her again without all of the inhabitions. Thanks again this is my only source of getting it out, it embarresses me to talk about. Almost like I wasn't enough of a man for her.

Okay, those feelings get to many of us. The lack of respect shown to us by the betrayer causes a lack of self-respect. You need to find a good, experienced counselor familiar with infidelity and its aftermath. Shop around for the one you need and don't settle for anything less.

Losingit1,

I don't know whether or not your wife slept with either of these men but it sounds like you need some help with your marriage. Are you able to do councelling with the Harleys? Can you both read and work through His Needs Her Needs?

I am very nervous about what you are hearing from her. It is indeed positive she quit her job. That at least means she is serious about your marriage. You dodged a bullet. Get some help while you both want it.

Well, I can assure you it has nothing to do with not being enough of a man for her. In almost all cases, an emotional, and even a physical affair for a woman is about emotional needs.

Check out the emotional needs questionairre here and make sure you are meeting her top needs.

I do want my marriage to work and so does she. I guess I just have to get over my pride and allow it to work. I can't seem to break the mold and get out of this depression I'm in, which is most definitely not fair to my daughter. I am going to find another counselor and hopefully it will get me back on track.

It is very nice to see that there are people in this world that are willing to take others by the hand and guide them in the right direction when they need it the most. You all are very special. God bless you.

You might want to try some anti-D's. They really help you move forward and do what you need to do.