We got married 6 years ago and have a toddler. Prior to the baby, things were ok, but no real intimacy here. We both worked FT and the years went by. Now with a baby, things have changed! But...only for me! I went out on materity leave and once I went back to work things got difficult for me. As I like to say...HE is old fashioned when it suits him! He expects me to do everything, clean, cook, care for the baby, work, shop, etc..etc..etc.. In his eyes, his only responsibility is to go to work, take the trash and mow the lawn, guy things? The baby woke up during the night for almost the first whole year, guess who had to get up, even on the weekends..me, of course. Then he complains that there isn't enough food in the house or asks what all the stuff on the table is...well, since I barely got any sleep and I worked all day, I just don't have time to do everything. I feel like I am falling apart. There is no me time. I barely see him, he is gone when I get up and when he comes home at 645pm, he eats and is in bed by 8. We barely spend any time with each other. Truthfully, I've gotten to the point where I'd rather not spend time with him. He is uphappy and miserable. Nothing I do is good enough. I used to be happy prior to marriage and I know things change with a family, but this can't be good? I am so tired of being responsible for everything. He tells me to go to bed earlier if I am tired. But, after the baby goes to bed, this is the only time I can get some things done, like work on the the computer (for my job) or some chores around the house. Stuff he knows nothing about. I tried talking to him, but nothing seems to work. He is also not very social and has no buddies. I on the other hand, like to see my friends reguarly, he doesn't like the idea and tries to talk me out of seeing them, but I don't!! Although we only get together once in a while. Something in his upbringing, he doesn't think married people need friends. Now the big one: I think that he is an idiot! through the years, I think that I grew very resentful toward him, because of his attitude and his chip on his shoulder, but I also found him increasing painful to talk to, he has no common sense! It drives me nuts. He is a good guy, doesn't drink or everything, but he also is boring and nothing excites him. I feel like I am living a lonely life. He went out a bough a brand new truck, an expensive one and I am driving an older car that is starting to have problems, plus I have the baby with me. But, he don't seem to care. To me, he is selfish. Most people think is a good guy, mainly because he is quiet. He is a good man, but lacks the drive to be good at anything, including being a good husband or father. It's almost like it is to much effort for him... I believe in marriage in general and don't want to get div, but I also don't want to live an unhappy life with an unhappy man. Do people really change?

I feel your pain!!! I have been through part of this w/ my husband, but he did help more w/ the kids. Still, they want this clean house when and if we have visitors, but put forth no effort in making and/or keeping it that way. My husband also drives a BRAND new car while I drive a van that is older than his. He has gotten the last two new cars, however, I have to say that w/ my husband' promotion and subsequent commute, we had to trade to get better gas mileage, but I would like to have saved money, but no, we had to get a brand new car and up our payment. I think he has a sense of entitlement b/c he makes more money, but if I were paid by the hour for what I do at home, I would out-earn him by 5 times!!! It sounds like your husband may be a little depressed if he is coming home late and going to bed and not spending time w/ you. My husband was recently diagnosed w/ depression and he is on Effexor and it has helped his mood swings tremendoulsy and his temper has calmed down drastically. Most people think that my husband is a good guy too and for the most part, he is. He is ambitious when it comes to work. If he would put forth a tenth of the effort he does for work, I wouldn't have a complaint about him. Maybe, just talk to him about seeing someone if you feel like he is depressed. Sometimes, I have felt like that I would be better off by myself b/c I have to do it all anyway, but I know that I wouldn't. I have to admit that my husband probably does more than I give him credit for, but I have been trying lately to be very complimentary of what I do see him doing. Maybe a wake up call is what he needs. He didn't marry you for what you can do for him and your house. He married you to be life PARTNERS. Maybe some time apart would be just the ticket for the both of you to clear your heads and refocus on your relationship and what you fell in love w/ to begin with.

Thanks Julie, It seems as though many woman have this same problem in their marriage. All of those things get me very frustrated, but the biggest problem that I have been thinking about over the past hour is the fact that we don't have any fun together, we don't laugh, ****** we don't even cry!! We don't have great conversation. He is somewhat of a introvert, I guess??!! I've tried, even pushed him to go to Disney a few years back, but he wasn't even excited there! Nothing much seems to excite him. Sometimes, I long for good conversation and wish that I had a husband that I could sit and talk for hours with, but that's not him...Tonight when he got home from work, I told him that I was running to CVS to get something for the baby, (teething terribly) and he acts mad and asks why I didn't go during the day and on & on, by the time he is done with this crap I could have been to the store and back twice! Argh...

JAE and Julie...

To be partners, you must believe in equality...you are separate and equal. You have choices as does your partner. If you believe he can make you do stuff against your will (get up with the baby for a year, and work, and do everything around the house), then you will create resentment in yourself, which will destroy your marriage.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

The antidote is truth...sharing your truth and owning your choices...you chose to get up for the baby, to continue to work, to do take on the house...you chose. That's your power.

If you believe you can be made to do, think or feel things by your H's...then that same belief works in you believing you can push, make, control him.

This choice of belief will tear at every relationship you ever have...with everyone. Not in God's design.

Humans are created with limits and power. You can only control yourself...you cannot be the cause, control or cure of anyone else.

And you cannot be controlled.

You have freewill...only you choose. You choose to resentment, to love, to be happy or miserable. They are your choices. Offsets the no control thing.

Great balance...if you choose to acknowledge and believe.

Your marriages have no respect...full of assumptions, mindreading and continuous judgment. All of which block intimacy, denying you by your choice, what you crave most.

Resentment will build into entitlement, fueled by this lack of respect, you are heading towards infidelity and/or divorce. And then, again, after a few times, with other people...because you don't see what you choose to believe is what you choose to live by...

Please read all the articles here on MarriageBuilders...how relationships work, the rules of marriage, love bank, emotional needs and Love Busters.

Get to know yourselves really well...find your power and no longer act or feel powerless.

You can do this. You're humans. You aren't defective...whole and complete. You have choice, which beats controlling others any day of the week.

LA

LA, thanks for the reply, although I got a little lost with your response!

I get the no respect stuff and the resentment. But, you lost me with my choice to get up with the Baby...Of course, I never minded getting up for the baby, but I thought we had a child together and share some of the responsibilities, it would have been nice for H to say, you sleep tonight, I take care of the baby.

I don't think that I feel powerless or controlled. I am pretty independent and much more agressive than he. My biggest problem is that he doesn't lift a finger, someone has to run the household and truthfully..I don't mind doing it, BUT, I could sure use his help some of the time and a break now and then does wonders!

I agree that we have the choice to be happy, etc, but can that really work when your spouse is miserable? It's like coming home and taking a downer...

We obviously have many issues that need to be addressed, but I have actually had some great prior relationships and never had these issues. I grew resentful when he began acting like he wasn't part of the family, which was from the beginning, it like he just sleeps and eats here, and thinks of it as a hotel with the maid behind him to clean up. I get no respect! To me, it I was powerless and weak, I wouldn't be so angry about his behavior and I would just clam up and do everything from morning to night. I deserve equality and he should take on some responsibility for our marriage, our home and our child..

Thanks, I will be reading the article that you spoke of!

You have the choice to not do, JAE...

You choose to believe someone has to run the house...when truth is, you choose to do so.

You don't feel powerless? You can't make your H be your partner, your teammate?

When you over-do...and you said you don't mind running the household...then your H can only under-do. There's no respect in you allowing yourself to over-do...there is a lot of resentment, failed expectations (which are your expectations), negated desires and yes, feels much like taking a downer every day...

I'm asking you to stop swallowing that downer.

"I agree that we have the choice to be happy, etc, but can that really work when your spouse is miserable? It's like coming home and taking a downer..."

You are asking this after you have said that your H is happy to eat and sleep...not contribute...not share or be a part of your family...he's happy, you're not. I hear you saying how can he be happy when you're not?

Did your great prior relationships include six years and a baby?

Thank you for posting back...you added the key word, "deserve" at the end of your post. You have now completed the circuit...you are in the position, the mindset, of having an affair or ending your marriage to pursue a replacement.

You are powerful and assertive...you posted back to what would have daunted me as a newbie on MB.

There are some great books...His Needs, Her Needs; Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley...when you read about the woman who had one, you might see a lot of the same perspective you have...

Having children takes what might have been tolerated to untolerable levels...lots of us reliving our childhood stuff, brings our issues out where we can see them...and often, they are overwhelming, so we'd rather see stuff in others, they're lack, not our fear of our own, instead.

You're not bad...you are living a human life. You can do this.

LA

OK, still a little confused as to what you are trying to convey to me??

If I am understanding you, you are saying that it is my choice to be happy, which I get...but H is not happy, who would be happy when they don't contribute to their own life?
I meant that he is content going to work, eating and sleeping, that sounds like a depressed person to me.

""You choose to believe someone has to run the house...when truth is, you choose to do so""

Not true! Someone DOES have to run the household, don't they? It's not that I chose too, it's that I don't have a choice! Who else would?

I do understand some of your theory, but you make it sound like all of this is in my head and I should just be happy. Truth is, I was always a happy person, but again...I can't make him be a part of anything, it is his choice if he wants to participate. I don't control him or anyone else, just myself. I am content with myself.

He grew up with his 'mommy' doing everything for him, but today things are a little different, I work. How can he expect me to work, take care of the baby, do all the shopping (food, clothes, etc) all the errands, clean the house, cook, etc..etc..etc WHILE he only has to go to work!! Something is missing here. YES, I do resent the fact that he feels intitled to do absolutely nothing, but I don't feel that is a reflection on me. I am disgusted by his behavior or lack of, he is the one with no respect.

Yes, it's a downer, when I get home from work and am trying to do ten things, while he comes home from work and sits on the couch and watches tv. I have tried to talk to him, but he still doesn't get it. He is not part of this family, other than financially, (yes, this is important, but so is playing with his child and having a clean bed to sleep in!!)

Lastly, I am not getting ready for an affair, the thought never crossed my mind. I will say that I have thought about moving on with my life, hence the reason I am here...

As usual, thanks for your insight

"Not true! Someone DOES have to run the household, don't they? It's not that I chose too, it's that I don't have a choice! Who else would?"

Why not stop running it and find out? Why not find your choices instead of your have-to's? Have-to's ('cuz nobody else is going to do it, and if I don't, we'll all die) are good to challenge. What you do by choice has your human power in it...what you do against your choice, has resentment, bitterness, frustration and anger in it. Towards yourself...can feel like it is against someone else.

See, I'm not saying choose to be happy at all...I don't know where I come off sounding like that...I am saying know what you choose...which is everything.

I don't have happiness as a value...for me, it is useless to pursue it...it comes from self-respect, living respectfully, joyfully in the present...knowing the facts of human design...we choose. We choose our perspective, what is in our filter of perception, our beliefs and our thoughts. We are designed this way...not that we're taught this is true.

I am not saying this is all in your head...I am asking you to consider what you may not have considered before...

When you have said, "H? I am not going to run the house, work and care for the children. My priorities are our marriage, our chid and my work. You are my equal life partner. I love you. I will no longer do x, y & z because I resent doing them. I know resentment kills marriages. So I'm following my first priority. Can we POJA our housework, talk about what your domestic expectations are and what mine are, and form a good plan so we both will we are important and understood?"

I didn't go with the depression aspect because you portrayed your entire marriage being this way...and reinforced this is his entitlement...so depression didn't factor into it. He might very well be depressed...might feel useless, even. I don't know how you could know.

He doesn't say, does he?

If you pledge to not create resentment in yourself through your own choices, then you cannot do it all...or you will be betraying yourself. You matter. I see you choosing to resent in order to have a household run like you want it to...which is more important to you...that your baby has clean clothes or your resentment?

Is it more important to vacuum or not become bitter?

One way is you changing your environment to give you a feeling; the other is giving you a feeling making you hate your environment (your H)...Your choice.

There are three parties in your marriage...you, your H and The Marriage...we can honor our marriage without feeling like honoring our H...we can hold to the boundaries of marriage when we resent, are angry and feel entitled to ditch a bad H...We can respect the marriage when our spouses are not being respectable...our choice.

My point is what you are choosing to do, you can choose not to do...to not resent, feel bitterness, fuel entitlement, and continue to disrespectfully judge another human being.

What does your Emotional Needs (ENs) questionnaire look like? Domestic Support, Conversation, Family Commitment, Financial Secuirty...and what does your H's look like?

I am not telling or asking you anything I didn't tell or ask of me...I was full of bitterness, resentments, entitled and willing to crush pain into my H to get me OUT of pain I was, in reality, causing myself through my choices.

My H sat on the couch and watched TV, also. He did not contribute, in my eyes. When I finally got the DJs out of my permissions, stopped the AOs and injected strict respect, he shared with me...

He resented me...for making him feel incapable, weak, useless and not enough for me. He said he felt mothered, demanded, judged and like a constant failure...to attempt to change or do was pure conflict ahead...because it wouldn't be good enough, the way I wanted it and when I wanted it...he felt overwhelmed into mobility...and he tried to show his love by being present at family functions, and when he felt uncomfortable, he would create resentment for me. I became his enemy in his mind. The one who wouldn't cease in judging, evaluating and finding him lacking.

When we mother, we are telling our partner they are less than us...need to be trained, changed and to grow up. There's no equality or respect in that. We are seeing what we want, how we want and what our partner has to do...without considering they may see what is needed as different...what is a priority for them is not for you...and they live in fear because they see you as an enemy.

In marriages, we trigger over and over again to our own childhoods...we have accumulated promises of how we are not gonna have a marriage like our parents did...or how we are ONLY gonna have marriage...when there are two of you, two childhoods...two perspectives...to filters for our perceptions...two realities...to whole humans, committed to each other...which means one is not bad and the other is not good. You just are humans, having a human marriage.

First we speak respectfully, share our thoughts, feelings and beliefs without expectations of response...you share to share. The we choose our actions...we can choose not to do ten things...only essentials...and see life in essentials we own and are not slaves to...we commit to our priorities...stop cleaning to play, laugh, share and cry...stop planning for tomorrow, taking up half of today...but only if we choose to stop judging ourselves, making ourselves slaves to our own judgment.

LA

LA,

I get what you are saying...I think!

I am forsaking my own happiness by spending my time & thoughts feeling resentful toward him for what he isn't doing...right?

I did try to stop 'running' the household and guess what, he didn't seem to care! Unless the refrigerator is empty, he doesn't say a word. Recently, I did try talking to him and explained that I am trying to work, care for the baby and do all of the household stuff and that it would be great if he could relive some of my burdens, (so maybe I could have just a little time for myself) I explained that it bothers me that he takes no interest in participating in the house or childcare. I told him that I have grown resentful at times and that I end up withdrawing and occasionally shut down and only do what is absolutely neccesary, including being intimate!
I have several of these talks to no avail, he might say a few words to encourage me, but never follows through.

Bottom line, you are getting through to me! I may not exactly like it, but you have made me realize that it is my choice to feel this way. But, I still am finding it difficult. How does one go about trying to feel better when the other party is still not cooperating?
How can the marriage become stronger if no change occurs?

Honestly, I find my happiness through escaping! I go off on my own (of course the baby is with me, heaven forbid that he spend time with her, because that's a woman's job!) and I do things that make me happy without him, whether is lunch or shopping with a sister or a friend. I find when I escape and go off on my own, I am better equipped to handle the things that I get resentful and angry inside about..

I am just having a hard time believing that I could honestly make the decision to stop being angry, stop feeling resentful, if he continues to behave like he is entitled to do nothing, aside from work...

This is going to require some hard work!

Thanks LA for trying to shed some light!

Ahhh, JAE...you said the words!

"How does one go about trying to feel better when the other party is still not cooperating?"

These words are the hump, I believe, that make or break a marriage. They are bigger than they appear (unlike a rearview mirror).

First, would say this is a present question? If you phrased this, "How do I feel better now when he isn't cooperating? How can the marriage become stronger if no change occurs?"

Again, your feelings are yours. Be present...by asking this, you show yourself you go to the future...which increases your resentment in the present, and has done so in the past. You do not know the future...stay present. Think of all the ways you escape...and if it is into foretelling or attempting to divine your future...know that this is as harmful of an escape as the ones your H employs.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

For today, your feelings are yours alone. They are in you, about you, and unless you judge them, they are not right or wrong...just yours.

Second, change occurs...when you change, everything changes. This is an awesome part of our human design. Two people cannot maintain a pattern of behavior when one of them changes their behavior...and I believe, the best way to do that is to change the belief, which changes the behavior, which changes the feelings.

Begin to examine the difference in ownership and blame...they may feel sneakily alike...and they are a world apart. What you own is yours...your choices, feelings, beliefs, perspective, thoughts, perception filter...everything in your human self is yours. And yours only. It is where you begin and end.

Your magnificent question shows you don't have a firm handle on this yet..not its blessing or truth. That's okay. It is radically different than what you've experienced...was for me. There are three realities in being human...Freedom, Responsibility and Love...we have been making our realities about anything but...mostly our partner's freedom (limiting it), examining their responsibility (for us and their children), and believing love is earned...

Quite a flip over to realize truth...you have the freedom in choice...which you're getting very well right now...seeing it with clarity...you choose what you do...and what you are choosing from...choosing to react to another's choices rather than choosing from your own standards and boundaries puts you at the mercy of being reactive. Act not React. Choice. To balance Freedom between humans, there is the Responsibility...and you are responsible only for you...all of you (big ONLY)...and it is disrespectful to be responsible for your H...so it is disrespectful to believe he is responsible for you.

Love is a choice...love comes from knowing you choose to love your H and your child...every action and word are about you choosing to do...and to be. Being loyal...being aware...doing for...can you see how by default of being human, you HAVE to be in that choice to love...yourself?

Embracing those three realities will aid you in not wanting to escape...guide you through your reality being fulfilling, freeing, thriving and this changes your marriage. Your mothering. All of it leads back to embracing your self...knowing you're whole, complete and marvelously made...separate and equal...to everyone on the planet. I promise.

Since you are in the habit of future living, I will take you through how getting these three realities, ownership, respectful living by choice...will lead to two whole people being married, complementing--not completing--one another...and your thorough knowledge of your choice and limits, will give you the power to protect, be radically honest, enthusiastically agree and see your partner new constantly. First, we gotta get to where we own ourselves...before we get to the rest of the Harley dynamics.

No shortcuts in my book.

LOL!

Your self-honesty...you freely disclose your penchant to escape, to resent, to expect...which are the paths to entitlement...all human. No bashing from me here. I lived that way as well...before I knew I had choice. Ownership. Freedom.

If you make happiness your goal in life, you will be unhappy...it is the worst moral there is...because like love, it has many components, and with goals, humans need to be specific. Making happiness a goal is like making feeling loved a goal...see how they blur? Only you determine your own feelings of being loved, happy...and breaking them down into their components is important--what Harley did with Emotional Needs.

What if your goal was self-respect? You get to that goal by respecting others, not choosing to say or do what takes away your own respect...correct? That's an achievable goal. And it can make you happy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What if your goal was to be admired? You get to that goal by admiring others authentically, and yourself, don't you? That can lead to happiness.

What about appreciated? Valued? Significance? Accepted?

This can look like the usual give and get pattern you are already in...yet the intent and the results are much different.

If you want to be respected, then you have to get to what respect is...define it, own it, find out where you are not respecting yourself or others...and change your intent from being respected to being respectful. Try that and be open and aware to your thoughts and feelings...find your beliefs about respect (we have a bunch of them, many contradictory, and we live from those!).

Intent matters. If you intended to share with your H your thoughts, feelings and beliefs because you are self-committed to knowing and being known...then you would not have felt shut out, ignored, not taken seriously when you shared yourself.

If you intended for him to change because of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...to fix himself...then you would have terrible resentment, feeling shut out, ignored, undervalued and dismissed.

I am not asking you to stop feeling what you feel...I am asking you to trace those feelings back to the beliefs they are coming from...to own your feelings as yours and for the first time ever, to know you control those...not after the fact...BEFORE the fact.

If you believed feelings were information for you, about you...would that change anything in your life?

If you believed you had power and limits, different from what you've thought before, what would you feel, then?

I celebrate you and your choice to be here. Thank you for responding, sharing your truth and yourself here. You matter. You are helping others as you help yourself.

Thank you.

LA

LA,

Again, thank you. I read your reply and will need to re-read it again to really grasp your words!
Are you a professional in this field?! You appear to be and are very knowledgable about this matter.

I am going to take your advice and start taking the steps required for me to feel good about myself, the way that I used too!!

I used to be so happy, honestly; and full of life. I greeted each day with a smile and made the most of each day. Things are much different for me now....

....going to read your post again...

LA

Where we you early in my recovery????

Let me tell you - you are amazing - all you teach are things that I had to learn on my own - a very hard way (probably as you did to) but the change it has brought into my life and marriage - changing myself - as you taught above...amazing change.

I too was like you Jules...thought I had tried this, done that - but really I hadn't...NOT like LA is explaining it.

If you really really learn from these words - you do have control over your marriage and your life - from within You! Your husband can't change unless he wants - so first thing - accept he wont change.

Then accept YOU can change, and YOU can be happy, and you can learn how to commumicate, react and fill your roll...and you will find all of a sudden things do change...wait and see...

(((JAE)))

Thank you for reading and examining your beliefs. I know you were hearing, at first, me blaming you...that you're wrong...you're at fault...welcome to a new world, though it always existed...where you get to just be you...not wrong, not blamed and not at fault.

Powerful...limited...in balance. Lots of great reading and living to do...and respect for being separate and equal to your H will go a long way...you'll change that marital dance, JAE; I know you will...and that will change everything.

LA

and

(((Dorry)))

LOL! I learned it from YOU! ROFL..honestly...reading you made a world of difference in my beliefs...I believed in you when I couldn't in me...I swear...and you greatly influenced what I thought and read.

I'm your follower, silly leader.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

hmmm - we learned from eachother? tehee - and I STILL keep learning from you!

This is a gooooood thing lol

I think this is why humans rock...

Just like we had downward spirals, we have equal opportunity for upward ones...me learning from you learning from me...

They call it a mutual admiration society...and we're members.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's a really goooooooood thing...

You rock.

LA