I recently got married and couldn't be happier with my new bride. She is everything I was looking for when I decided to start dating again after my divorce. I have two children from that marriage. I share custody 50/50 with my ex with a week on week off schedule.

My new wife fits perfectly into my life and treats the kids just as if they were her own. We share parenting duties during the weeks we have them and discuss rules and discipline so we're always on the same page. She has been great at being a motherly figure to them when they are in our house. It was very important to me that, when considering whether to remarry, my new wife would have to fit in with me and my kids and create a loving atmosphere for them at my house. She has done that and more and I couldn't be happier for the kids to have such a great stepmom who wants only the best for them. She also has a great family who accepted the kids right away and we all are truly a part of their family.

Now here's where my problem arises. My ex wife doesn't like someone else being close to the kids, especially because my new wife is so involved with them. She feels her house and mine should be the same in terms of rules and expectations for the kids. She is very easy on them and she acts like their friend instead of parent. Her new husband is the guy she had the affair with and broke up our marriage for. He isn't around much and doesn't take any interest in the kids. I think she wants the same non-participation from my new wife, but that will never happen.

How do I convince my ex that our houses are not going to be same and that they don't have to be. The boys understand they have two houses and what is expected at each one. Why doesn't the ex acknowlege this and leave us alone? She is the one that left and as far as I'm concerned, she doesn't have a say anymore. She is constantly complaining about our parenting style and that we're too strict. In reality, we are just setting rules/guidelines for the kids and enforcing consequences if they are not followed. And we're talking rules like no lying, no backtalking, keep bedroom picked up, doing chores and helping out around house...basically the things kids should be doing.

Any thoughts on how to handle the ex?

Only the biological parent should be disciplining his or her children. A stepparent can potentially be a mentor, or a friend, an adult in a position similar to that of a kindly aunt - but they will not ever be a parent and should not try to be. Other than keeping the children safe as any adult would (for instance not allowing them to run into the street), they should not be involved in discipline in any way.

Why would the rules be any different from the what they were when you were married? Children don't have a problem with one of their parents being stricter than the other, within reason, but they would definitely have a problem with one parent becoming more strict after divorce, or especially after remarriage.

I don't agree with this as a blanket rule. I think it depends on the family circumstances -- teenagers splitting their time 50/50 are going to have a different relationship with their stepparent than young children who see their noncustodial parent a few weeks a year and whose stepparent has been in their lives for some time.

As far as the original question, I think experts DO recommend that the families have similar rules and expectations, especially if the kids are splitting their time. For example, if dad grounds them from TV the day before they are to switch houses, the mom should agree to carry that out at her house as well.

But, if the relationship is such that the parents can't or won't agree, then "parallel parenting" is the second-best. Dad does his thing, mom does her thing, they ignore each other, and the kids adjust. I don't think the poster has to convince his exwife to do it his way if it's clearly not going to work -- just ignore her.

It seems to me that you should continue to be the responsible parent you are and keep those boundaries/limits/rules set in your home and try not to worry too much about the ex W unless the kids( younger one) is at harm.It would be great for both parents to have similar rules/values but that doesn't always work,especially if your ex is trying to be "friends" instead of a parent and perhaps make them like her more and the OM more by her actions.She may be even a bit jealous since you are now remarried.Who knows.I think it's great the your new W gets along so well with your kids.





If you mean that your EX has no say in parenting then that's not right.She always will though it may not be the best parenting,she will always be their Mother.Your ex does not have any say though in how YOU raise your kids.Not now anyway.So,don't try to convince your ex of anything but do set boundaries with her as well.If she is bothering you(i.e. angry/threatening phone calls or showing up unannounced,etc) then tell her there will be consequences.It may be that your ex didn't really plan on you ever marrying again and there being another "mom" in the picture.I am a firm beleiver that the bio parents always have first priority BUT that doesn't mean that she could prevent your new wife from spending time and talking with the kids and supporting family/home rules.OTOH the home destroying OM( new "husband") of your ex has no say.OP who help wreck marriages should never be accepted in the affected family.IMO.I would consider the fact that your ex's new husband isn't involved with the kids a blessing.His values and beliefs sure aren't what you would want to be passed down to your boys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There is a website called comamas which deals with stepparenting. perhaps your X is threatened and there are suggestions on this site to help you.
She may also be jealous that you get help with the kids and she doesn't.
Do the best for your kids that YOU can do. Don't delegate parenting to your new wife, but do act as a family.
I think many of us would be thrilled if our children were in a healthy family environment at the other home.

It's always hard when the kids have different rules at each house. However, I don't think you have to change your rules. Just make sure that you are not trying to enforce your rules when children are at X's house. You might have to put up with an occasional bad grade because X let them do something fun instead of making them do their homework. Encourage the children to come to you, not X, if they have any problems with your rules. Even the best children will sometimes work parents against each other to try to get their way (often not intentionally).

It sounds like X is jealous of your new wife, and there is not much you can do about that. You can try to reassure X that new wife is not trying to take her place but she may not listen. Be sure to make it clear that you will stand by new wife so that this doesn't strain your new marriage.

Don't tell X that she doesn't have a say. Instead, ask her to explain what she doesn't agree with and why. I would suspect that she can't come up with a logical reason. If she can, it might be worth considering.

Well, as a biological mother who has seen the step-mom parent my kids, I cannot deny that at times it was hard for me. So, from my perspective - there's a LOT of anxiety that the kids won't love mommy and will prefer the step-mom. That is possibly what your ex-W is going thru.

Our situations are a bit different. My ex-H married the OW who is now the step-mom. This was very difficult for me, but ultimately, I realized she only wanted the best for my kids. Give your ex-W some room to deal with this, and let her know that you have confidence in her as a mother. Regardless of how you feel about her as an ex-W, she is the mother of your children, and as long as she is not harming them, you should support her. Do NOT undermine her to the kids, EVER! I mean it. No matter what your feelings for her are, she is their mother. And, unless she is abusive, you have no call to denigrate her.

Maybe your ex-W just needs some reassurance that she is the mother of your children and will ALWAYS come first for them. Honestly? I think you are a very lucky man to have such a wonderful 2nd wife who embraces your children. And, while you are certainly NOT responsible for your 1st wife's emotions, maybe she's feeling vulnerable. A little reassurance could go a long way.

Blessings,
Lirek

I don't know how to deal with this, but you should be aware of whether the children ever feel disloyal to either parent. When this happens you will see them distancing themselves from one parent in order to show loyalty to the other.

In a way your ex-wife is similar to mine. Mine spoils the children, and our therapist/parenting coordinator noted in his report that my ex-wife behaves more like an older sister than a mother.

Because of many malicious and erroneous things that my ex-wife told the children about me, the children suddenly started showing loyalty to her and disloyalty to me. They would spy upon me and report everything back to her. You may want to observe whether something like begins happening since you have a new wife. This will lead to parental alienation syndrome, which is why my children and I are in therapy.

Both parents must understand that they divorce each other, not the children, and the children are not prizes to be won.