Hi. I haven't been on the site for about 4-5 months. I used to frequent this site. To sum up everything, my wife and I had been seperated for 1 1/2 years before our divorce. I had a 6 month affair that we attempted to work through, but depite my efforts for the period of our seperation, she ended up following through and we officailly divorced about 2 months ago. We have spoken twice since then. At this moment I sent her an email simply stating I could not remain friends with her because I was still in love with her and it wasn't fair to her, me or future romantic partners. I also felt I couldn't move forward with her in the background. I asked that she not respond to my email and simply take it as my goodbye and praised her and wished her all the happiness in the world. Well, she did respond saying she was disapointed and she genuinely wanted to be friends. I then responded with another email basically venting all of what I have done over 1 1/2 years to show my changes and to ammend for my mistakes and telling her all of my deep feelings. I left it up to her to respond or not. I wasn't expecting a response, but she did state she wanted to talk about the issue. I suppose I'm confused and don't understand the issue. She asked for the divorce. i got her the paperwork, payed for it, only asked her to reconsider but never fought it. Now i just want to move on with my life and she is stuck on being friends. Why and what should I do when she calls? Any help would be appreciated

danny,

Well,in my opinion,you need to be clear what you want and stick to it.First you contact your ex and tell her you are still in love with her but tell her,don't respond this is just a good bye.? So then she does and you mention all the ammends you did and changes and then leave it up to her to respond,again.So she does and now it's a big mess.And the "issue" is what? Do either of you know? Did you have the A and then get seperated? If so,it is not uncommon for a BS to feel that a D is the first thing they should do.It's terribly painful to be cheated on and while many people do want to work out the problems and stay involved,some BS's go straight to D court and don't look back until afterward and wonder if they made the right decision,especially so soon after the D is over.

If you truly want to move on with your life,don't give her mixed signals ok? It will be painful for her to think you may be reconsidering being involved with her when you are not.Friendship after an A and/or D can be tricky and it's not for everyone.Some can become friends.I am not one who can.I am not and never will be "friends" or anything but co-parents with my STBX after what he did.I would be happy never to hear from him again,ever,but I will have to via e-mail just because we have children together.

Thank you for your thoughts, but I think there is confusion. She already acknowledged my changes a year ago. That wasn't discussed in the email. When i emailed her, it was because she needed tax information. We had not spoken in 1 month at which time she asked to remain friends. I told her I did not know if I could. She seperated after the affair. The affair happend over 2 years ago. However, she is the BS and she is the one that has been pushing for friendship. I just wanted to let her know that although she only sees me as a friend and doesnt have feelings for me, I still do with her. We did end up speaking this morninig. she stated that she could not remain married to me because she stated before we even got married that she could not tolerate someone who would have an affair. She can't get past that. But she stated, when asked why she wanted my friendship, that she still enjoys talking to me, hanging out with me, and that I offer her different emotional experience than other firends. she did say she understood it is difficult to remain friends with someone that you are in love wit hand will respect my decision if I choose to say goodbye. We have no connections and I just do not see the purpose of remaining friends when we are divorced and i am still in love with her. Its like hitting myself in the head with a hammer over and over. The wound never heals. She has wounds too, but i feel she needs to find other ways than to remain friends with me to help them heal. I am writing her a letter, as she asked, of my decision one way or the other. i have decided for my own mental health and to be able to move on it is best to just say goodbye.