Lemonman, I didn't want to jack the thread you brought this issue up on so here's my post, yours, and my response:

From Imanotherone:
WH went off and had his affair with a 21 year old, with the typical 21 year old body.

I have told WH unequivocably: NEVER AGAIN. I told him we can work on the M if he wants, but know that we will NEVER be having sex again.




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To: Iamtheotherone,

I am curious about your post above. Let me say that I am not at all questioning your right to let your husband have sex with you....but ever again....? I don't necessarily understand how a physically capable and normal person could deny themselves such needs. I would have to question why you would remain living in such a dysfunctional way FOREVER.....Even 4 years...That canNOT be healthy for you either physically or emotionally.

What do you think?

LM


Basically, Lem, I KNOW it's not healthy. As it stands right now, I DON'T want to stay in the M. H is trying (sometimes pretty hard, other times not so much). I really don't know if divorce is the only answer. It probably is, since I can't seem to get past it.

For the most part, H is a pretty decent guy. He's posted here under Toolman77, when we first started recovery. He asks what he can do for me to forgive him, and, honestly, I can't seem to get past it. It's been about 8 months since D-day, so I don't know if it's a time thing.

Obviously, there was some serious sexual disfunction when two otherwise healthy married folks don't get any SF for so long. No, it's not my libido---I am incredibly lonely and SF is REALLY high up on my EN list. I cannot see going the rest of my life without SF. So the equations have no solution:
I want SF.
I don't want to have an A.
I cannot have SF with H.
I am doomed. (I was going to say "I am screwed" but obviously I'm not.)

In a nutshell, that's what I think. Thanks for asking, BTW.

***WH went off and had his affair with a 21 year old, with the typical 21 year old body.***

I'm not Dr. Lemonman, but I think the line above makes it obvious why you cannot stand the thought of having sex with your F/WH ever again.

OW was 21 years old. You are 41, old enough to be her mother. (Hey, don't feel bad, I'm a lot older!) And no matter how good you look and feel, it sounds like the extra insult of WH choosing a very young and hot sex partner shot your self-esteem completely to h*ll. You fear you will never get it back again and if you have to avoid sex with him for life to avoid that sort of humiliation, that's exactly what you'll do.

Does he know what this has done to you?
Mulan

I will not speak for LM either..I will speak from experience. I went with little or no SF for long periods of time in my former marriage. W was incredibly insecure about her "performance"...and SF is not high on her EN listing...(it is right about #1 for me!)...

I would ask...does your H know of this decision and is that what he wants? From what I can see you're remaining dysfunctional (as 0 SF for life at age 41 is NOT normal)...and if you still have desire and are lonely then you need to fix it.

Here's my take on my W's PA...she might as well as had SF with a Billy Goat because that is how disgusted with her actions I am....however...reality is that animal can have that woman from that time period..she was a filthy liar...and she is not that person today...

For you? You need SF if it is an EN...and you said it is, then you need to fix yoru lie...accepting your fate as you state her is accomplishing nothing, you're not mariage building...you have built a wall...and youre hiding behind it (normal...for a while...)...tear it down dear....