This is a sad, sad day and I turn to my MB friends.

Today, my CH and I had our first joint counseling appointment since January 2005. CH walked out in a huff from that one. This time, he walked out with a little something extra.

For the past 2 months, I've been someplace different mentally. I broke my Plan B, something I've been jumped on about. I have been talking to CH. We've met for dinner a few times. For the most part, they've been pleasant as long as we stayed away from talking about our problems. CH has been doing some passive-agressive things, particularly in a monetary sense. He had ONE counseling appointment and promised to schedule a joint one. Of course, that didn't happen until I made it.

Late last night, CH finally committed to coming. This morning, I call our counselor to give him a heads up.

It was good to get into a situation with CH where he couldn't squirm away and there was a facilitator to keep us on task. CH came in with his hard, shiney shell that repells all rational thought. I felt resigned and a little combative.

The facilitator was great. He helped me to keep my emotions down, cut through CH's BS but stayed non-judgemental. He got CH to acknowledge my hurt. Didn't even tisk, tisk when CH blamed ME for his lack of contact with DD.

Finally, CH said that he was 90% certain he was over our marriage. He said while there are lots of history and similar values (no, no, don't go into that...), he just didn't have the feelings for me. In fact, CH said he didn't have feelings for anybody. Even OW is just a friend. No sex is involved. I'm afraid I couldn't help mumbling "I've heard that before..." CH said he didn't want to be married to anybody. However, he couldn't go the last distance and file because it might hurt me. Now you can roll those eyes.

I just stared him down. Of course, CH broke away first.

At that point, I reached into my handbag and pulled out an envelop. Thought tempted to throw it at him, I sat up on the couch, took the papers and spread them out.

"This" I said, "is a summons for a dissolution of marriage. I could have had you served with this but I am no coward. I will not avoid this. I will do this personally. You can sign this paper in front of a notary or take it to my attorney's office and do it there. I want to protect my self and my family. I do not want this but I need to move on. It's up to you. You can work on our relationship. Or you can sign it and we start the process to end this."

We walked out together. I held my tears until I hit the lobby. CH hugged me for a minute as I sobbed my heart out. I broke it off and went to my car.

I feel in the odd way you do after a long crying jag and no dinner. I'm waiting for DD to come home from practice. CH and I promised that this was between us and not the kids. I'm taking this time to get in control of my self. I feel a small sense of relief and closure. I feel weird.

I guess now I'm on the pathway I never wanted to take.

Yes, it is a sad day for you and WH is kidding himself if his thinks a divorce is between the two of you and the kids shouldn't be involved.

((Grape))

(((Grape)))

(((Grape)))
My thoughts are with you.

Well, he does think we can be friends. Says that he's tired of TMs and emails. I guess that part of Plan B sort of worked. I, of course, replied that I'm generally not friends with people who lie to, cheat and steal from me.

Actually, I asked for this to be kept on the QT until into June. After D-day, DS#1 requested that I never spring anything bad on him again during finals week. The D-day news adversely effected his final tests. He has a couple more weeks of school. Then I will tell the kids.

Also, CH keeps waffling. He just sent an email saying that sometimes, he really misses me. I'm not answering.

***Well, he does think we can be friends. Says that he's tired of TMs and emails. I guess that part of Plan B sort of worked. I, of course, replied that I'm generally not friends with people who lie to, cheat and steal from me.***

You can bet he is just waiting for the divorce to be final and all the fuss to die down, when the two of you can slip into a comfortble life where Grapegirl is no longer his angry demanding wife but just a friend and pal who takes care of the kids for him. Maybe you can even go out for dinner now and then, just for a little companionship! And if you're divorced, all the better, because then Grape can't expect anything more from him.

I'd bet money this is where his head's at.

Make bloody sure he realizes this will NOT happen in a million years - though he probably won't believe you and he won't "get it" until well after you are divorced and you still are NOT his friend.

Good for you. I don't think anything short of a hydrogen bomb will get your CH's attention. I'd bet my house he thinks things will be MUCH nicer and more comfy after the divorce and he's just waiting for that.
Mulan

(((Grape))))

All I can do is send you hugs.It must have been hard for you to make this descion but you have to do what is best for you...

My prayers are with you....

Hurting

Grape,

I have great admiration for your and your scruples. It hurts t/b the one who has to move forward and watch the WS lag behind but in the end, it w/b to your benefit and yes, even his. Not in a WS way of course.

Will the light of day very hit the WS? No. But it may find it's way into your H's heart. I think these next few weeks will have the biggest impact. It may take longer to see because WS' are just slow. But it will have an impact.

Hugz to you and your family.

L.

I'm thinking that this would be the time to Plan B. I have not answered his email and I just don't think I can.

He needs to stew in this.

I agree...for you more than him. You need a break from his BS.

{{{{GG}}}}}

Ditto! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I just wanted to also send ((((HUGS)))) your way.


I would also emphasize the not friends thing. There is a difference between civility for the sake of your children and being buddy-buddy with him in the future--a difference I don't think he grasps yet and maybe won't until the trueness of what he did hits him.

((HUGS)) again.

Hi Grape -

I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. Hugs to you. Darn those WS. UGH.

Kim

Now the emails are coming in. Last night he sent that he misses me "sometimes" and is groping for an answer. Today, he says he feels awful for hurting me and doesn't know what to do.

Tempting as it, I am not going to answer anything. I might need help but I think it's best to say very, very dark. He's looking to me for the easy answers and I'm not giving them. Nothing short of a declaration of love, an apology and assurances that he will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes plus visible action will move me.

I must admit that last night, I had the best sleep I've had for a long, long time.

I'm glad you slept well last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

When is the last time you gave him a plan B letter?
Since your plan B has kinda of waffled...maybe you should do another to restate your boundaries and then stick to it.

...but I'm no plan B expert.

as soon as you answer any of his little whiney messages ~~~> he feels relief from his anxiety

don't answer

his anxiety is good for him

Pep

PS

instead of opening and reading his emails ... send them unread to your intermediary

or send them to me and I will be HAPPY to respond <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

just kidding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

send them to Mel !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> LOL

It's not worth it to send another Plan B letter. CH knows exactly what he has to do. He's read the roadmap. He doesn't really get the concept of Plan B. He knows the points, I quizzed him on it.

1) No contact with OW: D- He says she means nothing to him and is just a friend. No SF is involved. Because he feels that this has such a minimal impact on our relationship, he won't do a NC letter. Personally, I think there is more there and it clouds the entire issue.

2) Counseling: After months and months of waffling, he's had 1 IC and 1 MC. He's scheduled for another IC session next Friday. I suppose this counts as a partial completion.

3) Transparence about finances, thoughts, whereabouts, people he hangs out with, etc: F Doesn't even make a token effort. He likes to play the Money King. I think he feels that he earns it, so he can dole it out however he wants. That really doesn't work for me.

We are at the fish or cut bait stage. I have thrown down the gauntlet. The ball is in his court. I have smacked him upside the head with a 2x4. What other cheesy saying can I come up with?

CH has in his possession a very real, very concrete piece of paper that says I am asking for this marriage to end. He's looking at the cold, hard consequences of his actions. It means that I have reached the end of my patience and am ready to take the next step. This is a situation where conflict avoidance, his favorite technique, will do him no good. He has to decide whether to sign it and start the process or not sign it. If he doesn't sign it because he wants to work on our marriage, we take the appropriate steps. If he doesn't sign it because he wants to avoid the issue, he will be professionally served.

I feel at peace, for a change.

Oh come on Pep, don't you wanna play with his little CH brain? A Pep-py response to his whines might be fun. I'm sure not saying anything to him.