THIS is what is called keeping your word GG

and I applaud you for this

your character is defined when you are called to do something really difficult ... and you carry on

Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. Not long ago, I did not feel that I could carry through on a ultimatum. That's one reason I wanted to personally serve CH.


Who said "That that does not kill us, makes us stronger."? And how did they come to realize how true it is?

It's been over 2 weeks now since I served CH with our divorce papers. Aside from a couple waa-waa emails, I haven't heard anything nor has my lawyer.

Those emails have really comforted me. They are so lame: I miss you...sometimes, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm groping for answers. When I read them, I think "Why have I bothered?" A guy who actually cared would send masses of flowers and/or protestations of love. Of course, I haven't answered them.

These 2 weeks have been a healing space. I am mentally moving on. I can enforce the ultimatium. I can think about assisting the kids in their relationship with their father. I can think about where I go from here.

School (and my job) finished up last week. I now have the time and mental energy to find out where CH is at. I'm going to have a wonderful summer!

CH is a thousand miles behind you in the arena of personal recovery ...

be prepared

when you show yourself to be strong and pulled together and just out of his reach ... CH will find you suddenly attractive!

just a peek into the crystal ball of your future

you will hear something like this:

[color:"blue"] Can we get together and just talk?
Can we get together and date?
Can we get together and *bump-uglies* ?[/color]

it will be sort of a compliment but not

have some dang fun
travel
join groups
get busy
you are coming into yourself

Pep

The past 3 weeks have been interesting. After I served my H with divorce papers in mid May, I left it in his hands. These hands being his (husband) and HIS (God). The end of the school year is always hectic. I couldn't deal with anything else until DD was out and my job was finished for the summer.

Serving H with the papers seemed to be the bucket of cold water needed for us to start working on our marriage. It definitely woke H up to the reality that I was willing to end this marriage.

Now, H says that he believes our marriage can be recovered. He wants to work on it! This week, he wants to complete an emotional needs questionaire. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my birthday.

Where to start? Where to start? My heart is in knots.

First of all, I need to work on forgiving him and letting go of the hurt. As an act of faith, I'm going to start calling him H instead of CH or WH.

Second, we need to start communicating. We need to talk. We need to start seeing each other.

We have a date tonight. I'm giving him an EN questionaire. We're going to talk.

My concern is that H is mouthing the words of recovery but not putting any effort into it. I also realize that I, as the BS, could be the biggest impediment to recovery.

Any words of wisdom, oh wise MB-ers?

After I posted, I reread Pep's reply to my last post.

I have NOT been waiting for H to act. I have been doing a lot for me.

-Last night, I threw a birthday party for myself. No stinky boys allowed. Twenty of my friends showed up for food, music and fun in my backyard. It was GREAT!

In order to have a party, I've spent the last 3 weeks beautifing my garden and cleaning my house. I work best with a goal and in panic mode. Now, everything is gorgeous.

-I gifted myself with tickets to a rock concert at an outdoor venue nearby. My girlfriend and I went for a fabuous time. Note: I did ask H to accompany me but he would be on a business trip on that day.

-With H blessings, I've booked a BIG vacation far away with DD. We're going to visit friends Down Under.

-I bought a beautiful dress to wear to my party.

-I had a facial last week and hope to get pedicure today.

Is that enough "me" stuff?

WOW! Can I just say WOW!

It is probably going to be really challenging to give love to this man who has done so much not to deserve it.... But if you have any love left—NOW is the time to show it!

Be positive.

Take it REALLY slow. No solutions will be had in one night.

Leave your resentment home! Look awesome.

WOW!

Courage to you!

P.S. Are you going on a fun date? Or do you plan to talk relationship stuff?

Go slow.

He is, as Pepper says, a thousand miles behind you.

My personal opinion (others may not agree) is that this is not time to be giving him emotional questionnaires. Too close to what you've been doing all along -- trying to pull and nag him into recovery.

Why not just "date" and see how much you can really enjoy each other's company, no strings attached? No sex, no relationship talk. Just laugh and have fun.

Let him tell you what he w/b doing to regain YOUR trust. He wants t/s the EN questionnaire? Fine, leave him to do it on his own.

Don't be too quick to give him back his H privileges. Otherwise you are removing his goal and he will have nothing to focus on. This makes it easy for the WS in him to get revived. Yea....unfortunately, the WS isn't dead....yet So protect your H by making him work to come back into the loving arms of his family.

For us, even to this day (almost 3 years AFTER recovery started), my H is still earning his way back. My trust level is up but not where it s/b. When I doubt, I have a way to let him know. He no longer gets angry because his anger is a trigger for me and he knows it. So he has had to learn to curb his anger and if he is up to no good, that quickly dies since he can't put his guilt on me. I refuse to take his guilt. Does that mean I think I am perfect? By no means. I don't go to extremes. When I am guilty of something and it is brought to my attention, I fess up and deal with it right then and there. I am not talking about just about A related stuff, this applies to all aspects of our lives. Trust needs to come back all or not at all.

L.

That sounds good, Grape - but as others have said, be very, very careful.

And please do NOT start referring to him as an H on "an act of faith." That could be the biggest mistake you ever make.

Allow him to EARN the title of H. Do not give it to him on faith. You did that once before, remember?

What you are doing now is giving him the chance to EARN it back. Please don't forget that.
Mulan

eyes & ears open

mouth closed

commit to nothing but some dating-like events...

not even ENQ
not even MC
not even (especially not even) s*x

and YOU make it a habit to end all of the conversations before he has a chance to ... set your watch ... after 4.5 minutes on the phone "Nice talking to you. Let's chat again sometime. I must run now. Errands to do."

yes, this is playing games

but it is also smart

give him a peek & a whiff ... but do not satisfy

keep him guessing ...

going to go look for an old thread from the stone age ... if I can find it ... I will link it

He's not an idiot ... he knew you were serious ... prove him correct!

LOL

Pep

WHY does he think the marriage is worth a shot at recovery?

why now?

this Q needs answering ...

look for rocks of integrity
not flights of feelings in his response

what will hold him to his word when recovery gets difficult?

principles
values
determination
grit
integrity

et al

Pep

Did I miss mention of a NC Letter..more essential than the EN Questionnaire?

(((GG)))
Just when you thought it was over. Has he committed to NC?

take a look at her story ... she did an excellent job of creating a desire within her WH to return to her ... in fact ... he persued her big time ....

it's a classic

well worth your time

do not be the "easy road" ... instead be the desired mountain he wishes to climb

carolK

Grape's one of "my girls"...middle-age crowd..that I've been following from the very beginning of her journey...

I'm concerned about her WH being a cake-eater..wanting the both of them...

He's really sneaky...

Doesn't she need to make sure that she isn't enabling the A by giving him a TASTE OF CAKE too soon?

absolutely correct Mimi

in Carol's story, she mentions that the wayward gets too much free "emotional nookie" ... and they fall back into their old bad-marriage habits

I was refering to allowing the WH a "taste" of what he will soon be missing unless he gets his azz in gear ... NEVER serve the WH an entire meal of ENs ... the WS gets EN-satiated, then leaves again ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Well guys, I love your advice. I am being very, very cautious. I have next to no trust in the man. I believe there are layers and layers of things that he is hiding. He just doesn't get it. Is there contact with slimeball OW? Not really sure. In April, the last time I mentioned a NC letter, he refused to do it because it might endanger his job. He tried to convince me that OW might file harrassment charges. I said that would be blackmail. Is he a cakeeater? A fencesitter? Or merely a jerk?

Last night, we had a date night to celebrate my birthday. DD was at a sleepover and DS working late. I really tried to doll myself up. I had a manicure and a pedicure. I took a lot of time on my makeup and hair. I wore the slinky new dress I bought for my birthday with...a thong. I put on a pair of strappy heels and the scent H had given me.

H reaction at the door? Absolutely nothing. No, "you look beautiful" or "I love that perfume" or "that's a great dress". Just a bland kiss hello. Defintely not the response any woman wants.

We went out to dinner. He made the comment he always seems to make when he takes me out to dinner any more, "I'm not very hungry." Then he tries to talk me into just ordering an appetizer. No way, I had a proper dinner.

He didn't give me a birthday present. Okay, okay he sent me flowers on my birthday. But, that should be the starter, not the main event.

He wouldn't even consider going salsa dancing with me. Instead, we went to a place for another beer.

So, how's all this for mixed messages? Would you think a guy who wants to recover his marriage might try just a wee bit harder?

We have another date next Friday. Perhaps my oh-so-romantic DS can give his dad a few lessons.

free emotional nookie

he's not interested in trying hard ... back waaaaay off

get busy other places

*what a marroon* he is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I'm not going to make it easy for him. He's going to have to contact me and set up a proper date for next week. DD is at camp and I like to schedule things when she is gone. If I don't hear from him by Wednesday, I'm going to organize a night with some friends.

Elusive but distantly friendly is looking better and better.