We are 7 weeks past d-day and are doing as well as can be expected in our roller coaster, er, recovery, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My FWH has just reconnected w/a male friend who's wife is a pretty good friend of mine. He told this guy about his adultery b/c this couple is also really struggling in their marriage. We have known them for over 10 years from our former church.

My issue is that this guy made my husband vow to not tell anyone, even or especially me, about what they talk about. Of course I automatically assume he's committed adultery or something very close and doesn't know what to do about it.

My concerns are

a) there is now "something" my H and I can't talk about

b) whether or not he is strong enough to help this guy

c) MY FRIEND!! She has a right to know something is up, doesn't she???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

d) this seems to be triggering me...and I just don't need anymore triggers, KWIM? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thank you in advance for any input.

Be skillful in how you handle it and you will accomplish much.

Nope that wasn't a fortune cookie line.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That is what u r being told. Turn it around and ask your Xws....so you think it is ok to keep secrets, especially after all you've been through? Batting eyelashes....allowed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No it isn't right. Even if the guy commited murder, you should know. So should his wife.

Now how you go about presenting your logic is critical. Just a important as your need to know. Putting the onis on him to convince you it's ok to keep secrets makes it harder for him to justify and less for you t/d.

L.

Orchid-- Thank you for your post.

At first, I understood why my H is honoring this guys request...that he needs a safe place to talk about what he's going through and my H wants to provide that. My H has never been a good friend and I think he sees this as a way to redeem himself.

However, it doesn't sit right w/me that it is now something "between" us. I don't think I'll have a problem convincing him of that. I will use your logic to put it on him to realize this.

I do think that he needs to tell this guy that he will not keep secrets from me, b/c that's what got us in this mess in the first place. So if it means there's no friendship, so be it.

If there is no adultery does the same apply though? Should this guy be able to share thoughts with my H without me being privy?

I asked my best friend to not tell her H about the A. Was that wrong? Should we just assume that if we tell our BF something that the spouse should automatically know?

My MIL has asked us if she can tell her husband about the A, "b/c they are one...and it's very hard for her to keep secrets from him."

How does Radical Honest apply when it involves other people's lives??

Radical Honesty plays in each person's life. It touches other's also.

Because of my dad's position, there were confidential matters he had to keep in confidence from my mom and our family. He had a network where he was able to discuss these issues so it wasn't a matter of trust. My mom knew about the general principals and often some of the people he was helping 'though' my mom knew everything and would call and try to involve her. My mom was staunch and refused to compromise my dad's position. That to me is still practicing radical honesty.

In the case of your H and his BF, what he can tell his BF is that he is practicing radical honesty with his W (you) and that he can keep confidence but know he must at least tell his W there was a convo on a delicate matter. Now how you handle it will be telling. This means when his BF sees he you he will wonder how much you know. This may help him learn t/b honest with you and his own W.

So while you don't need to know all.....enough to know there are no secrets between you and your H. Respect is the key by all parties involved.

L.

Thank you again Orchid.

Last night I did as you suggested and asked him how he felt about keeping secrets from me and he said he really didn't like it.

We then got on the subject of why he thought it was ok to first of all tell this guy about the A and then to tell him he would keep secrets from me w/o checking w/me.

I said it really bothered me that he didn't consider my feelings when making these decisions. And the keeping secrets thing is not a great example to this guy of how he needs to be with his wife.

He was understanding and apologized. I did find out that there is no PA in this guy's sitch, but that my H feels there is a strong possibility it could happen and my H wants to do anything in his power to prevent it.

I do admire what he is trying to do, but he agrees that if it comes between us it is not worth it. We will try to do what we can to help this couple, but I feel it's kind of like the blind leading the blind; we're still trying to figure things out!