Wow, things seem to change almost daily with my sitch.

I admit that I got very frustrated the other day and did many LB's and then I asked my WW for an uncontested divorce. Yeah, I'm man enough to admit it and take the lambasting you and everyone else will give me.

Well, she didn't answer me right away. Then, I could tell she actually started to think for once and wasn't feeling good about what I had said. I stupidly offered her another option which may be equally insane. A 5-month mutual Plan B trial separation (does this exist? - lol).

I gave her the option of choosing either. Well, she has chosen Plan B. I really do believe that she has maintained NC with the OM for at least 6 weeks now. She even stopped drinking for the last 2 days I was at home (I've now moved back out - yikes!) and I didn't ask her not to drink, either.

Our marriage counselor FIRED US (huh?) due to my W lying about her drinking habits, so I had my first phone consult with Steve Harley on Thursday morning. He was very helpful. A fresh perspective. He was not in favor of us separating, but I told him that I couldn't take that back at this point. I really do believe the FWW needs some down time to recharge and think.

Steve told me to be careful in assuming that she wouldn't say yes about the D. He thinks she is being influenced by someone else (I think it's her IC) in her decision making. He told me that there is no safety net right now and there's nothing to catch her if I push her all the way off the cliff.

Steve wanted me to ask my WW (I believe now FWW) if she would be willing to talk to him one on one. SHE HAS AGREED! So, I'm hoping this is a good sign.

Just wanted to update you, ML, since you've been so helpful. I'm ready for my punishment now...j/k.

Hi Reborn. Well if Steve H has told you to NOT go to Plan B and you did it anyway. imho, you are ignoring the advise of an expert.

Once you and her are living separately SHE can and WILL get back into C with the OM. I can 99% guarantee that. After all in a WS frame of mind, you are condoning AND enabling that. YOU suggested the break. SHE will take it as the go-ahead to start up again.

If you do not want to save your M. That is okay. It is YOUR decision. But Reborn if you DO want you M to survive, a Plan B right now when she has agreed to counsel with SH is an M killer.imho

Reborn, how is your WW going to see any positive changes in YOU when you are not in contact with her?

This is NOT a sprint. THis is a long term, sustained effort.

I know, faa, but I had already committed to this new arrangement. Bad timing. Things can always be undone, though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was just moved out for 3 weeks and she didn't run to OM (at least I don't think so).

Look, she was conducting the A right under my nose for 5 months which wasn't a problem, so just because I'm not there...

I think I've shown her that I've changed and can be a great husband again. It's really about her right now, but SH did encourage me to keep impressing upon her that our M can work out.

I know when they say that they need "space" it's usually a bad sign, but I think she really does at this point.

To be honest, if I'm in her face 24/7 right now, she's never going to want to work on the M. I am so frustrated with her not giving me an answer about working on us, that at this point I'm not totally opposed to going our separate ways. The kids are grown and there's a lot of water under the bridge. Maybe a fresh start isn't the worst thing in the world. I really wanted things to work and in some ways I still do. But, very quickly, my love bank is going toward the negative so I had to get out at least for a while.

I also think it important that SHE make an unpressured decision to break things off. She is 52 and the OM is 23. C'mon...that CAN'T last even if it rekindles here. The first NC, I think she felt pressured by me since I threatened to kick her out (not that I had the right to do that).

I'm willing to set her free and see if SHE makes a decision of her own free will to come back to me.

That's where I stand, my friend.

March, I am so glad that you are talking to Steve, but am very upset you have moved out!! That does not help your situation, but harms it! That is not Plan B at all, but Plan A. [A=ACCOMMODATION] It just gives her the freedom to drink and mess around in PEACe. The more PEACE you give her, the more you ENABLE HER. The more you enable her, the farther she is from ever getting help for her drinking. Did ya know that??

March, GO HOME! The only thing WORSE than making a bad promise, is KEEPING a bad promise!

Have you checked out Alanon yet?

I totally agree with Mel! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Surprise Mel.

Reborn, the thing is, if you are not there HOW can she expect to see SUSTAINED changes in you. YOu cannot FORCE her to DO anything. HOwever you CAN, by example show her that there is hope for recovery.

And to be OUT of the house is enabling not only the adultery but the drinking. And Reborn how can you support and encourage recovery if you are not there?

THat is what I was trying to say.

As far as the OM being 23. SO what? She is addicted. And for you to not be there as a lighthouse. A reminder of what she is throwing away is shooting your chance of recovery in the foot.

Free will does not mean that you let her fall alone. And it does nOT mean that you are invisible. And Plan B is invisble. At least a GOOD plan B is.

Also. when a person is in the midst of a crisis of faith and is doing thngs that they normally would not, what makes you think she can even think rationally or clearly? THAT is part of YOUR role. To be there. As a reminder of what you HAD and what you want back.

To give hope.

ML,

One thing that SH revealed to me was that my WW may not be angry only because of all of the years that she had to cope with my depression. Now, she may be resentful of the fact that I'm feeling BETTER. Yes, the fact that I've come out of my depression merely by taking a pill when she was urging me to get on meds for quite awhile. That's the part she's REALLY angry about right now.

But, SH says that that's a positive thing if I can weather the storm. He says that is telling me that she has noticed the changes in me. Just keep pecking away at her is his advice.

Unfortunately, ML, though you know I value your input I have to go with my gut right now. And my gut is telling me to leave it alone for the time being. I really believe that she deperately needs some down time. I will text her once in awhile, so it won't be a true B.

Also, if SH is able to get through to her and she agrees to talk to him together, then I'm all for it. If those talks result in a recovery plan of any kind, then I'm willing to give that a try, for sure.

Please respect my decision and thanks so much for your thoughtful responses.

RM4

March, Your W needs you now more than ever. If she feels that she has lost you, she may have feelings of despair and loneliness. It may cause her to drink more and to fall into a deeper pit of despair.

It sounds to me that you are the one who want's the down time. It also sounds like pride is stopping you from going back on your "deal". But you can! You could tell her how much you have thought about your M and your love for her and that you want to be there for her. She may just fall into your arms from the mere thought that you came back to her when she needed you the most. You will be like a Night In Shining Armor in her eyes.

I do respect your decision, but PLEASE reconsider moving back and counseling with SH together.

God Bless