I'm new to this forum and wanted to find some advice. I'm currently in the Air Force and deployed since Jan 2006 and now I'm coming home here in May. My wife and me were fine before I left at least that is what I believed. I noticed in March that her feelings were changing in our phone and e-mail conversations. I'm 33 and she is 30 and we have two beautiful kids together that I cherish. I've always been home when not working and giving what time mostly to them and her. I'm very affectionate and kind and try to give my wife as much attention as possible. She is different, she does not give as much back as I put in. Everytime I leave like this, she gets this way and she stays after I get back. I've only done this three times now and each time she acts this way. She told me April 10th that she is separating and getting her own place and which she has already and I'm not even home yet. We are splitting the kids time 50/50 together and that's good for them. She doesn't make a whole lot of money and she is getting a second job to deal with it. I'm so hurt and confused, becasue I did not expect this again, I've been trying to talk her into getting help when I return for us but she will not. She says she has not had deep feelings for me for a long time and that she wants some independence right now to try and take care of herself for a change. There may be someone else involved, there's a lot of mystery in that and I'm not positive about anything right now. I respect her decision but I don't want our family to split like this. I'm trying to be amicable and friendly with her to maybe give her some space and try and keep some relationship with her. I'm so lost and confused by all this becasue she tells her family that I'm a good husband and good father and that she couldn't ask for more. I really have no idea what I'm doing, this is our first marrriage and I would like to keep it that way, what do you suggest?

Hi jay,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having trouble in your marriage but I'd like to say how glad I am that you are going home safe and have supported our country.I wish all the troops could be reunited with their families and be happy together.

While I am not a military wife,I will say there are several other's who are military and are on the board entitled General Questions II.This is a board mostly for those dealing with an affair( A) and it's also much busier there so you may get more feedback.So if you do think your wife(W) is cheating then you could read over there and introduce yourself.A few things you mentioned sound as though she may be involved with another man.Maybe not but some familiar themes are: wanting to be on their own,needing some time alone to "think",not being "in love" with you anymore or in your W's case,not having "deep feelings",refusing counseling,huge cell phone bills with odd numbers,etc.Do you know where this new place of your W's is? Can you check it out? Sometimes a PI is recommended for people who are being particualry sneaky and info needs to be found out them.

The first thing to do when you get home is try and talk with your W and see if she will go to a counselor.Obviously your marriage is in trouble and ignoring the problems or moving out is not going to solve them.Some people still,mistakenly,think that separating can help matters but it only makes you separate.You cannot work on marital problems effectively this way,at least in my opinion(IMO).Even Dr.Harley suggests this.Review credit card statements,cellphone and home phone bills( look for unusual numbers).

I'm sorry you have to come home to this mess and everyone here can appreciate how painful it all is,we've been through it too.But you also have your precious children to think about so you have to get to the bottom of what is going on.Affair or not.Hang in there.

Jay,

Get with your Family Advocacy or Family Support Center, they have many programs, books and info that can help you and your wife. You didn't say where you are deployed to but I am sure that they have those things there.

It sounds as if there is a third party involved, she is re-writing your lives so she can justify what she is doing and feeling.

Check out the inoformation here on Emotional Affairs, they are just as devasting as a sexual affair. This happens many times in military families when one spouse is TDY or deployed often. "They are just my Friend" is a big cop-out. But they don't see it as anything other then a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

Take care a do go over to the GQ II board.

Dawn

I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now. I have no place to go and no money to get anywhere like a new apartment. My friends have all said that I could stay with them but I cant stay indefinately.
She doesnt make enough to cover all the bills we have and I dont want to not give her money because she is raising my children and my kids need me now more then ever.

I got a picture in my lunchbox on friday from my daughter saying that she didnt want us to split up and that she loved us and that we are breaking her heart in two.