I will try to make a long story as short as possible. Four years ago, I discovered my H was involved in an A. When I confronted him, he immediately move out and moved in with OW. I never gave up on my marriage and my H, and after about three months, H moved home and the next 2 years were the best years or our marriage. I was never able to forget, but I was able to forgive. I was forced to see the OW every week, but eventually the pain started to fade. I was never secure in my M, and I kept fearing it would happen again. Little did I know or would I have believed, that I would be the reason my M ended.
A little over a year ago, I entered into an A. It wasn't for retaliation. even though H thinks is was. I wasn't looking for it, didn't persue it. I was happy in my marriage. Happy until OM started making me have doubts about H's fidelity. He found my weaknesses and played right into them. He took my low self-esteem and made me feel beautiful and desired. He played me, he used me. I was a fool to fall for it. H figured out what was going on, but never came out and said so. Maybe he should have, to knock me back into reality, but I probably wouldn't have listened anyway. Before I knew what happened, H moved out and filed for divorce.
I would never have left H. I never wanted him to leave. The A was on the downslide anyway and probably would have ended soon, but as soon as H left, OM left me too, saying he didn't want "blamed" for the breakup of my marriage. What a joke. He WAS to blame, him and I both. I take responsibility for it, but he couldn't.
Ever since H left, I have tried to make amends. Tried to make him forgive me. He says he loves me and knows I love him too, but sometimes he's just not sure if I do. He says ho goes back and forth. He says he can't forget the betrayal. I have told him that he is not going though or feeling anything that I didn't go through, and he says that's probably true, but he's not as forgiving as I am. He keeps dwelling on, and throwing back into my face all the things I said in anger or hurt. Things I didn't mean, only said to hurt him at the time. He can't forget them or get past them. He also won't put any blame on his A, stating that when he moved home, I was never to bring up his A again.
Let me add that we talk to each other several times a day. We go out to dinner, and I spend at least one night a week at his apartment. He cuts my grass and makes sure I am taken care of financially. He just can't commit to moving back home and giving it another try. He can't forgive me and it's driving me crazy. He says I push too much, that I need to give him time, but it's been over 6 months and nothing has changed. I told him it's not going to go away over night, it's going to take time, but that we can spend that time together, movong forward. I know I can do whatever it takes to make it work, but he doesn't even want to try yet. He just keeps saying he doesn't know if it can work, that you ever get past 2 years (that's how long he and his ex were together after their mutual A's). I have learned my lesson, and yes, we both have big trust issues to overcome. I even gave him all my cell phone records so he could see there has been no contact for almost 6 months, but he just got mad when he looked at them and saw that we continued to talk for about a month after he left. We did, and I had told him that. Not a lot, mostly arguments, but we did talk for a short time. I keep emphasising that I have nothing to hide, that's why I gave them to him, but he keeps focusing on that first month, not on the last 5 1/2. By the way, he started dating someone that first month too, and lied about it. Dated her for 3 months, even though he says he didn't. When I showed him copies of HIS cell phone bills, that he didn't know I had and I won't go into how I got them, and proved that he was lying, he just got mad that I had the bills. I told him he was just mad that he got caught, but I was still willing to forgive and forget.
H is not the type that if I just slowed down. quit calling him, that he would call me. He wouldn't. He'd just walk away. I know him very well for that. I just can't go on like this much longer, in limbo. I want a committment from him or to tell me to just move on with my life. I get very depressed and have mood swings, and then I push and he gets mad and backs off. I have suggested counseling many times and he won't hear of it, doesn't believe in it. I want to make this work, but I'm running out of patience.
Is there any advice as to how I can make him understand I am truly sorry and that even in our situation our marriage can still work. I have learned my lesson. I know it will be difficult given our mutual distrust, but I know I will give my all. I think he likes keeping me hanging on, maybe kind of a punishment.
