I married my husband 4 years ago after me being divorced for about 10 years. I was raising my 2 children on my own, now 15 and 17. Great kids, none of the normal teenage stuff, excellent grades no drug, alcohol or sex issues, very responsible and make good choices. He has 2 kids 9 and 13 which visit every other weekend. Before this marriage my kids had a lot of friends here, sleepovers, birthday parties, etc. friends were always welcome. But my husband decided 2 years into the marriage that he didn't want all the kids here so we (the kids and I)have changed a lot of our old ways to accomodate his desires. Very rarely can they have birthday parties here or sleepovers or even have friends over to watch a movie or do homework together, we have also given up some family vacations because vacations are not that important to him. Before marriage I had a swimming pool built (in part) so that kids could have something to do here, but now it rarely gets used because my husband doesn't want kids "hanging out". We have tried to negociate this but it is an on going issue.
So here is my dilema...Now, he wants to impose a rule saying that on any given night, weekends included that if friends are here they must be gone by the time my husband gets in bed, (usually 9:30-10:00) He says "I don't care if they are in the middle of watchibg a movie, studying for a test or reading the bible, regardless of if it is 1 or 5 friends" The issue is not about noise because we don't hear them from our room.
My husbands view on this is that it is just a normal, everyday household rule and shouldn't be a big deal for ME to enforce.
My view is that my kids have had to change so much about their lives already to accomodate our marriage, and they have earned the right (by being responsible) to be treated with some trust and respect. None of their friends have this rule and I did not have it growing up. 9:30 or 10:00 is not very late for a teenager on a non school night. They are old enough to lock the door themselves.I could understand if they had friends over and we were in bed and they got into our booze or were loud and woke us up or stole things but that is not the case. These kids do not stay that late anyway because they have curfews of 10:00 school nights and 12:00 weekends.I say if they screw up and something bad happens while we are in bed then would be the time to impose his rule. Their relationship is already strained so wouldn't it run the risk of having my kids dislike him even more? How can we both come to an enthusiastic decision? Please tell me what you think? Should I impose this rule that makes no sense to me just to keep my husband happy? [color:"white"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

should kids friends have to leave because my husband wants to go to bed? single choice
	no
	yes
Votes accepted starting: 05/20/06 08:25 PM
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The POJA says "Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse."

In your case, there's an interesting twist...since the kids WERE allowed in the past by both of you. Your H is requesting a change to a situation that was already in place. Hmm. You could say, "I am not enthusiastic about this change, but very willing to discuss it so we can find a way we're both happy. Let's talk about it?"

Discuss first, resolve after both perspectives are fully understood.

You said the issue is not about noise...what is it then? You commented that they are old enough to lock up. Yes, from your viewpoint, they are. Does your H share that viewpoint? Does he worry about the booze and no supervision? Or things missing? Valid points to BE considered.

And what about the pool? Might he fear someone will get hurt...and beyond that, is he worried that as a result, your homeowner's insurance might be raised or even canceled?

Ask him.

Then start brainstorming. What might make him enthusiastic about the kids having planned sleepovers or a pool party now and then? And, what might make YOU feel enthusiastic with the time curbing? Feel free to toss crazy/wild things in the mix too...it doesn't even have to be on the same subject. Maybe an offered massage from you would do the trick. Or the kids offering to do some household project or chore to "sweeten the pot." The cars washed and waxed? Lawn mowed?

Just a thought...every other weekend you have 4 kids in the home. That may be a bit overwhelming to him and LIKE a whole weekend sleepover! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

thanks for your input. you raised some really good points so i decided to talk with my husband about those issues you raised. now i'am really confused. First, he never was o.k. with having kids over it just took him almost 2 years to tell me. i started to notice a pattern of when kids were here my husband would give me the cold shoulder for a few days, so he did finally tell me. even though he spent a lot of time at my house before we married and lots of kids were hanging out here he never said it bothered him or that it would bother him after marriage. I feel betrayed for that. But when he finally told me i took measures to make him happier, to the point where it is pretty rare that any kids hang out here. He is now o.k. with that part but the issue then came up about kids staying later than his bedtime.
anyway, none of those things you mentioned, insurance, booze, things missing are the point. he is unwilling to negociate anything, he wants it his way and his way only. He won't even set a time, just wants to leave it at "whenever i want to go to bed they leave" He did say it bothered him that when he goes to bed he doesn't know who is here, who is coming or when they are leaving so i said that's easy, if a kid is here i will make sure you know who it is, what they plan to do, that no one else will be allowed in and i will tell you when they will leave. his response...forget i'll just live with it, not enthusiastic though. that just means he will continue to give me the cold shoulder when this situation arises. I don't think it is fair to my kids to say whenever he feels like going to bed your friends must go, is it? I could stay up and supervise but he would get mad if i don't go to bed at the same time he does. I know that having 4 kids in the house every other weekend is sometimes overwhelming to him but we both knew when we married that each would bring two kids to the mix, that we would have one weekend with kids and the next alone. Also, my kids go to there dad's every other weekend. they are a 40 minute drive away from home and do not drive so 2 weekends a month are spent without friends so for them to want to socialize with friends on the weekends they are home makes sense. Is there a deeper issue i might be missing here? I'm afraid this is the end of our marriage, Am i being unreasonable? i need to know. thank you

scheeseman,

I'm relatively new here, but not to step family and blended family issues, as my H is my dd's stepdad since 1996. They are 16 and 18 - so 10 years.

Some of what you describe in your H is similar to my H. He prefers a quieter house and sometimes feels uncomfortable with a lot of the teens hanging around. Sometimes I feel that way as well. However, after many discussions on the issue we came to somewhat of a compromise.

I feel that I'd rather have the kids hanging around our house because then I know they are safe, they aren't out doing drugs or getting wasted, driving in cars, etc. I trust the kids who hang here, they are good kids. H likes them as well, but he just can't tolerate the constant chatter, music and tv noise-our home is pretty small, so we hear everything.

We kind of sort of agreed that we would limit sleep overs and constant gatherings. We explained to the girls that sometimes we just don't want everyone coming and going and hanging out and that they will still be able to have friends over, though those occasions will be limited and we need to have notice if it's going to be any other kids than the usual BF's or neighbor's kid. And if 16dd needs a ride to the movies or BF's house, she needs to choose a night so that H and I will have a night off from running around. That may mean that she gets to go out on Friday and then she can have her best friend over for a quiet night watching a movie on Saturday - just an example - and H and I can go out for dinner or a movie and not have to worry about rides.

I think that your H is being a little unreasonable and I'd probably be a real stickler in pointing out that A) he knew going into this marriage that there would kids involved - lots of them! B) He should have said something sooner if all the chaos of having lots of kids around was bothering him so you could find a reasonable compromise. C) it's only a few more years and then you'll be free, so he is going to have to suck it up a little and stop punishing you for having kids who are entitled to a life and having friends over - it's thier home also, isn't it? And lastly, D) you have 2 weekends a month without kids?? What is he complaining about?? I would kill for ONE weekend a month without kids streaming in and out!

I find his demands to be quite a bit selfish. He expects you to go to bed when he goes to bed. My H is sleepy by 9 PM, I can't sleep before 11 PM. Going to bed at 9 for any other reason but sex would be horrible to me as I'd be up all night long. I also think that inhibiting the kids' social lives to such a degree is kind of selfish as well. I know the marriage comes first, but if the kids are good kids, they deserve to have a social life and feel comfortable within thier own home!

That's my 2 cents. Of course, take what you want, leave the rest. What works for some won't work for others....and my marriage isn't exactly a shining example of perfect. I hope you are able to find a compromise that works for everyone.

Quote:
I was raising my 2 children on my own, now 15 and 17. Great kids, none of the normal teenage stuff, excellent grades no drug, alcohol or sex issues, very responsible and make good choices.
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If you want to keep your kids that way, It's obviously healthy that you let them have their friends in your house. He should be worried if they wanted to be out of the house.
You created your kids well, you gave them a safe home environment where they feel confortable to be with friends... why destroy that?

It doesn't seam right. Soon they will be asking to hang somewhere else and you don't know what can come out of it.

You need to be strong and firm. He's being selfish and non reasonable.

You have a tough situation. I have a blended family but my step children are all adults now and have never lived with us. The youngest of the steps stayed with us occasionally.

One point worth mentioning is "blood is thicker then water" and I think this is true no matter how well you blend your family - when the rubber meets the road, this is the truth. Your husband needs to respect that unspoken rule.

I agree with whats been said about that situation being in place before he came along - that is unreasonable for him to banish it completely. It will create resentment in your children, and you for your children toward him. And, the potential for your children to resent you is there as well.

And what is it about it that bothers him? The activity? I know when my H gets home he sometimes just needs quiet in his own home and our problem is our home is small but we manage. Is your home big enough that the kids can confine to one area and not bother the rest?

Also - in the spirit of compromise, maybe your husband will not agree to "all the time" but what amount of time will he agree to?

I have mixed feelings about wanting them out at his bedtime - if he is a light sleeper I can see being fussy about that. But again, that needs to be negotiated and there needs to be some give there.

And the pool? Give it to them and then take it away?

Unfortunately, by the time you hit a second marriage - everyone is set in their ways and this makes it difficult to get along.

And I think you are right, there are deeper issues to get at. Does he talk openly with you?

And - like mentioned before again - keeping kids at home keeps them off the streets and these are scary times. Good luck with this!

>>>I have mixed feelings about wanting them out at his bedtime - if he is a light sleeper I can see being fussy about that. But again, that needs to be negotiated and there needs to be some give there.>>>

I bought a sound machine - it's a white noise machine and many counselors use it to block outside noise and create privacy from those in the waiting area. It costs about $50 - you can buy it on line - and it's well worth it. I am an extremely light sleeper and when there are kids staying over all thier little whispering and chatter really can drive me up the wall - the machine blocks it out and I can sleep. That may be a nice compromise in regards to the kids leaving at his bedtime.

Our kids are in by 9pm(dark) everynight (in warmer,longer days), on shorter days, in when street lights come on and they know it's no friends after that time or phone calls it's time to relax with family before bed. Our kids are 11 and 12, and we feel it's a matter of learning respect for other's. They are allowed to stay up(not out)on the weekends till they feel ready for bed as long as they are quite and are allowed to have 1 friend stay over on occasion(Weekends only). My H and I go to college M-Thurs and have homework, studying and have to get up early.
Does your H have to get up early for work?

I too have a blended family wherein 2 out of 3 are adults, none have lived with us but, the youngest who's 17 now, gets to spend summers and holidays with us.

I'm pretty easy going so when they do visit I let them do pretty much whatever they want. I figure they're on vacation and should be allowed to have a good time.

Not to mention, they're all great kids and I love having them around plus 2 of them are adults so there's not much I can do as far as setting any curfews for them....LOL.

The 17yo is allowed friends over and she's allowed to date as long as we know who she's with and where they are going, which of course guarantee's nothing which is why we like her to bring her friends here.

My husband is a light sleeper but, he enjoys the kids when they're here and wants them to feel welcomed so he never complains.

I don't know how he would be if they were here all the time but, I agree that having the kids home is better then having them out where you would be worrying every minute about what kind of trouble they could get themselves into.

I'm with you on feeling betrayed as your husband should have brought this up before you were married. I think it's sad that sometimes people don't discuss things and then it becomes an issue later in the relationship.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a difficult situation for you to handle. It seems to me that when you have one spouse who's unwilling to compromise it puts the marriage in a stressful state.

I'm sorry I wasn't of much help, but, I do wish you good luck.